Re: Boogie-nada under my bed

[Guest guest]

stay away from her. She knew she was killing that poor bird.

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry this happened! It's horrible. I don't even know what to say to

you that coud be helpful, but I do care. Everyone on this board knows that

nadas are capable of things like this, and I can understand why you are upset

and sad and afraid--not to mention worried about future children and your dad.

And also you are right: You DO have power, you DO have choices. Please do what

you need to do to take care of yourself.

Flea

---------------------------------

Yahoo! DSL Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less

[Guest guest]

I just read your post in horror. My nada has never taken this tack

and it shocked me. It does highlight how cruel nada's can be. Unless

your nada has specific learning difficulties (unlikely) my opinion is

that she KNEW this bird would a)be distressed and die and c) would

cause you unbearable distress---

You say you can't go nc because of her SO. He made a choice when he

married her, the bird did not and neither did you, in coming into her

life. Sounds hard I know, but are you asuming responsiblity for his

protection from nada? If so, that's not too healthy, how do you know

she would harm him, has she said so, is that just one of her tools to

keep you in line? Would she actually? If she would could you not

pass your fears onto his doctor?

Sorry, not really my place, just my gut reactions to this distressing

situation you are in. Big Hug if I could.

Notsobewildered

In ModOasis , " nhforpeace " <nhforpeace@y...> wrote:

>

> I am soooo amped up tonight I had to return to this board. We have

> been in close contact with Nada for a few months now and I can see

> the damage it is doing to my health and well being. My nada has

> always been " accidently " physically abusive to my animals all my

> life. This has led to an extreme fear of allowing her to be alone

> with my dogs or cats AND it has been the driving force behind my

> delay in having kids. Nada likes to joke about taking my future

> children or has dreams of doing so that she tells me in great

> detail. Or she talks about putting my animals to sleep when she is

> not recieving any attention or the animals are inconvenient. I

> have grown so protective and fearful that I lay awake at night

> imagining horrible scenarios. Anyway, on Christmas eve my brother

> and husband left me alone with my mother and father while they went

> to get take out. My mother had just acquired two canaries and

> began to insist that they needed to have their toe nails cut. She

> loves to pop zits, cut hair , toenails....all very badly and

> painfully. She will determine a cats tooth is loose and yank it

> out with a string. I digress.....so she grabs the canary. I try

> to help , since this is happening no matter what and I insist on

> holding it as I know I will be gentle....My father gets in on the

> act....bird keeps getting loose....she is yelling at my father to

> grab it.....he is yelling at her to leave the damn birds alone.....I

> am yelling that they are killing it and sure enough they do. I

> hold the dead bird in my hand.....I feel like screaming...like this

> is some horrible nightmare just for me...my mother pouts and jabs

> the dead bird repeatedly and it makes squeaking noises even though

> it's really dead. I sit there for several hours of Christmas eve

> activities while they all make horrible horrible jokes. My head

> pounding from the delayed crying. You DO NOT cry over animals.

> When I finally get to the car I burst into tears and continue to cry

> for hours. THANK GOD for my smart, enlightened husband. Of all

> things for her to do in front of my very eyes. The one thing that

> terrorizes me most is animal abuse.....she psychotic. So now it's

> midnight (tonight, January 2nd)....I'm up with a panic attack about

> how I will ever get my life back or have children safely. I keep

> seeing the bird struggle and die. I am imagining ...more like

> having fantasies about nada's death. I haven't done that since I

> was a little girl. I feel so incredibly guilty. I HATE her. She

> ends every phone call with a sickening, " I Love You " and like some

> robot I reply, " I love you too " but I really want to scream at the

> top of my lungs " I hate you I wish you would die!!!!!!!!!!! " These

> emotions make me feel so awful and immature. I'm 33! A teacher!

> Supposedly normal! But....if I go no contact she will harm my Dad

> who is sick with lung cancer. She has terrorized two husbands and

> will take the joy out of what is left of my second fathers life. If

> he dies...she will begin to threaten suicide. I am so trapped. I

> feel so helpless even though I know it's an illusion it has washed

> over me tonight. If I didn't come on here and get a reality check

> about my power and choices I would suffer all night long. I'm still

> amazed at the effect this woman has on me even today in my safe home

> with all my lovely things and my wonderful husband. She killed the

> bird in front of me. I keep saying this to myself because I feel

> surreal and in shock still.....all because of a little pet store

> bird. Life, no matter how little, hold no value to her. She is

> like a two year old...no understanding of consequence or pain.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, woke up this morning to some great support. Wee hours of the

night are when you have post traumatic Nada syndrome! I agree with

you guys that this position I am in with regards to my father is one

I am imposing on myself. She doesn't try to harm him pysically

(yet) but she does neglectful things that could kill him in his

weakened state. Like demand that he get in the attic and climb to

the other side of the house on his knees to check some wiring. He

knows she is mentally ill but in order to have some peace he gives

in. If he doesn't she will call his DR. and tell his DR. that his

cancer is in his brain and he is unreasonable and abusive leading to

my father having to defend himself to his own DR. We have clued

the DR. in that she is not to be trusted but I'm sure he is confused

as she is a mastermind. My Dad is just a sweetheart. He is my

stepdad who adopted me. My first father drank himself to death

after she forced him to go NC with us kids. I got to see him once

when I was 19 before he died (she kicked me out of the house for

doing this) and his dying words were , " Get away from your

mother. " I should have listened. Anyway, my 2nd Dad is my best

bud and she Hates this and punishes me through evil acts towards

him. I know it is not ok for me to take such responsibility for

him but I feel like someone has to ,for whatever time is left, be it

two years or ten. It is TOTALLY a tool she uses to keep me in

line. My husband , who is a lawyer, is always psyching my Dad up to

divorce her. He's tried to twice. She allegedly swallowed pills

when she was served with papers. She sat in the screen house and

wobbled....weeping and said, " I took some pills....I just need some

rest from you people. " When we all demanded to know what pills and

how many she clammed up. I am rambling. I really should just

disengage. Go NC for the week...even with Dad. I don't know what

abbeviation to use for my Dad as he is not BP. Sorry to everyone

about the traumatic imagery the post last night might have created.

I shield myself desperately from stories like that but I just had to

purge it. Thanks for all the good words and thoughts and for

understanding the childish rage I expressed last night. I'll work

on shielding from Nada.

Joyce

> >

> > I am soooo amped up tonight I had to return to this board. We

have

> > been in close contact with Nada for a few months now and I can

see

> > the damage it is doing to my health and well being. My nada has

> > always been " accidently " physically abusive to my animals all my

> > life. This has led to an extreme fear of allowing her to be

alone

> > with my dogs or cats AND it has been the driving force behind my

> > delay in having kids. Nada likes to joke about taking my future

> > children or has dreams of doing so that she tells me in great

> > detail. Or she talks about putting my animals to sleep when she

is

> > not recieving any attention or the animals are inconvenient.

I

> > have grown so protective and fearful that I lay awake at night

> > imagining horrible scenarios. Anyway, on Christmas eve my

brother

> > and husband left me alone with my mother and father while they

went

> > to get take out. My mother had just acquired two canaries and

> > began to insist that they needed to have their toe nails cut.

She

> > loves to pop zits, cut hair , toenails....all very badly and

> > painfully. She will determine a cats tooth is loose and yank

it

> > out with a string. I digress.....so she grabs the canary. I

try

> > to help , since this is happening no matter what and I insist on

> > holding it as I know I will be gentle....My father gets in on

the

> > act....bird keeps getting loose....she is yelling at my father

to

> > grab it.....he is yelling at her to leave the damn birds

alone.....I

> > am yelling that they are killing it and sure enough they do. I

> > hold the dead bird in my hand.....I feel like screaming...like

this

> > is some horrible nightmare just for me...my mother pouts and

jabs

> > the dead bird repeatedly and it makes squeaking noises even

though

> > it's really dead. I sit there for several hours of Christmas

eve

> > activities while they all make horrible horrible jokes. My head

> > pounding from the delayed crying. You DO NOT cry over

animals.

> > When I finally get to the car I burst into tears and continue to

cry

> > for hours. THANK GOD for my smart, enlightened husband. Of all

> > things for her to do in front of my very eyes. The one thing

that

> > terrorizes me most is animal abuse.....she psychotic. So now

it's

> > midnight (tonight, January 2nd)....I'm up with a panic attack

about

> > how I will ever get my life back or have children safely. I

keep

> > seeing the bird struggle and die. I am imagining ...more like

> > having fantasies about nada's death. I haven't done that since

I

> > was a little girl. I feel so incredibly guilty. I HATE her.

She

> > ends every phone call with a sickening, " I Love You " and like

some

> > robot I reply, " I love you too " but I really want to scream at

the

> > top of my lungs " I hate you I wish you would die!!!!!!!!!!! "

These

> > emotions make me feel so awful and immature. I'm 33! A

teacher!

> > Supposedly normal! But....if I go no contact she will harm my

Dad

> > who is sick with lung cancer. She has terrorized two husbands

and

> > will take the joy out of what is left of my second fathers

life. If

> > he dies...she will begin to threaten suicide. I am so

trapped. I

> > feel so helpless even though I know it's an illusion it has

washed

> > over me tonight. If I didn't come on here and get a reality

check

> > about my power and choices I would suffer all night long. I'm

still

> > amazed at the effect this woman has on me even today in my safe

home

> > with all my lovely things and my wonderful husband. She killed

the

> > bird in front of me. I keep saying this to myself because I

feel

> > surreal and in shock still.....all because of a little pet store

> > bird. Life, no matter how little, hold no value to her. She

is

> > like a two year old...no understanding of consequence or pain.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

>She doesn't try to harm him pysically

>(yet) but she does neglectful things that could kill him in his

>weakened state. Like demand that he get in the attic and climb to

>the other side of the house on his knees to check some wiring.

My father passed away in April at the age of 98. Right up to the end

she couldn't see how old and weak he was. He was still expected to

climb a full flight of stairs every morning and back down at night, as

he and the caregiver were housed in the basement. This all done so

that the queen could have her privacy upstairs.

My father had a cute sense of humor and once said that every morning

they had a little contest to see who was the sickest...and, of course,

SHE always won. She was totally against having hospice until the

doctor recommended it for Dad. Then, predictably, SHE wanted and

needed it. She couldn't let him outdo her in the sick department.

Hospice has been a great blessing for us daughters as it gives us just

one more person to keep her occupied a little. But, back to my

original topic, just two days before Dad died when I told her we had

to bring his bed from downstairs up into the living room because he

could no longer manage the stairs, she objected, saying we'd get my

brother-in-law to help him. I got a brainstorm and suggested perhaps

SHE could sleep downstairs and let him sleep in her bed. WOW did that

get a reaction. She finally agreed to moving his bed up but couldn't

quit exclaiming over the idea that ANYONE would think SHE could go up

and down those stairs. Actually, she was much more able than he was.

I think the whole idea of HER sleeping downstairs was more of a shock

than to hear Dad was dying. It is TRULY all about HER. She can't

even see how ludicrous and utterly shameful her attitudes are anymore.

Just the summer before he passed, she expected him to go out into the

garden to pick her tomatoes. His balance was so poor by then that he

couldn't stay upright on a flat surface, let alone a bumpy garden plot

full of dirt clods. Fortunately, the caregiver would intercede and

pick the tomatoes for him. He was still her gofer.

I finally had to turn a blind eye to it all. It was, after all, THEIR

relationship and my Dad was willing to live in it. This wasn't new to

him as she ran the show their whole marriage. He had plenty of years

to make things different. He didn't, and this was the end result.

Finally accepting that I am not all powerful and can't fix or control

the whole world around me has given me peace and freedom. If your

mother directly or indirectly harms your dad, it will not be your

responsibility to have been there. Anyway, what really can you do?

Can you be there every waking moment and if you are will it really

change things between them? To be free to live your OWN life is a

gift and a blessing. After 62 years, I am finally living my own life.

Dee

[Guest guest]

>Anyway, my 2nd Dad is my best

>bud and she Hates this and punishes me through evil acts towards

>him. I know it is not ok for me to take such responsibility for

>him but I feel like someone has to ,for whatever time is left, be it

>two years or ten. It is TOTALLY a tool she uses to keep me in line.

Have you ever thought that your relationship with him is fuelling your

mother's animosity. Maybe if you backed off a little she wouldn't

have the need to punish you through him. Just a thought. It's kind

of a Catch 22. Dee

[Guest guest]

>

> Thanks for all the good words and thoughts and for

>understanding the childish rage I expressed last night. I'll work

>on shielding from Nada.

Your rage wasn't childish. You are just a decent, caring human being

and anyone who is would have felt horrified, enraged, and sick in the

same situation. Dee

[Guest guest]

Your message was actually the first I read signing on to this site and I've been

mulling it

over in my head since then. I wanted to reply to it because it rung a chord,

and because it

must be so awfull for you right now--but it was also hard to reply, becuase it

brought up

issues for me.

The thing that I would feel the strangest/most alientated in your place, I

think, is the idea

of being the only one in my family that realizes that people do not and should

not behave

this way. That I am not the crazy one--that my family is crazy for accpeting my

nada's

behavior. I don't mean to make this about me--I'm just not wanting to assume

that you

feel this way. But I want to let you know that in your place, this is how I'd

be feeling

because that was a terribly messed up situation. I bet you aren't discussing it

with your

non-bp friends that you know either. I find that I can never explain these kind

of things to

normal folks who don't have family like that. I'm afraid they wouldn't believe

me, that they

would think I have something wrong with me for bringing it up. So, not only do

I go

through it all, as you have, but I go through it alone.

So, in case that's what you're feeling like. I'm right there with you.

My nada also abuses my dad when I do something she doesn't like. He and I have

actually

talked about it though. It was brief, he just told me not to sacrifice myself

to protect him

from abuse.

I have seen my nada use the threat of abusing one family member to get other

family

members to comply. It's her way of finding the weakest link. I'm willing to

face her

escalating tactics to avoid her abuse--but I falter when I see her do it to

someone I love

and when I know it's started by me setting boundaries.

But again, maybe you can be there for your step dad, tell him you're there if he

needs help,

but not take responsibility for the abuse he recieves. Ultimately for me, I've

decided that

my dad must learn to protect himself too. it is his responsability, not mine.

In fact, he is

in a relationship of his choosing and began it as an adult. If he makes himself

the weak

link by accepting abuse, and that's his decision, but I personally am going to

be firm--

even if it means that he will take the heat because my nada can only abuse him

now. If I

am strong, I can say I'm setting an example, if I allow myself to be abused,

that just makes

2 of us.

So, I hope you'll do something to help yourself because what you just went

through is not

something you should have to accept. You'd be justified in NC or a number of

other

strong reactions/ boundary setting etc. I hope you'll take care of yourself.

Trish

[Guest guest]

Wow. I am so sorry my post hit home but at the same time relieved,

you know? I am not alone. What unbelievable relief. What you

wrote really hit me in the heart. You could not have been more

accurate and thoughtful and your feelings are mine to a tee. Thank

you for putting it into words when I can't. The strongest truth (

and I was just fighting with my brother about this tonight) is that

he DOES not see it!!! He thinks I am just overreactive and over

sensitive and man could he come up with a million and one dead bird

jokes. He wasn't there. He didn't see. No one in the family

gets it except my Dad. I feel like I have to appease her. Who

knows how much longer he has left. I hate her treatment of him

during what should be a special, sacred time in his life. She is

so selfish. I'm so glad you understand how nada controls through

abuse of the people or things we love. It's such a terrible choice.

He is so frail right now. I have to be strong. If he hadn't

adopted me and raised me I would have had NO normalcy in my life.

He was my rock and now I have to be there for him. No question. I

feel so protective of him.....like I would fight tigers for him.

She hates that I love him that much. It's hard to hide. But having

a normal Daddy, being a daddys girl while she called me whore and

fat was the MOST healing thing to me. Once this time passes I will

Flee. I will go NC if I am strong enough. When I think of this

(the NC) the little girl in me is terrified of what will happen

to " MOMMY " if I leave her. The guilt is profound. Especially in

the face of the doubters who see none of it and look at you with

tilted heads and confused expressions. Sigh. Thank you for being so

thoughtful and your reply was brilliant. Thanks.

Joyce

[Guest guest]

Don't be sorry for hitting home! That's why I'm hear. Also, glad to hear that

I could help

out--since I've asked so many questions and gotten so many replies here. Good

luck with

your step-dad. He sounds like a life-saver in his own way.

trish

>

> Wow. I am so sorry my post hit home but at the same time relieved,

> you know? I am not alone. What unbelievable relief. What you

> wrote really hit me in the heart. You could not have been more

> accurate and thoughtful and your feelings are mine to a tee. Thank

> you for putting it into words when I can't. The strongest truth (

> and I was just fighting with my brother about this tonight) is that

> he DOES not see it!!! He thinks I am just overreactive and over

> sensitive and man could he come up with a million and one dead bird

> jokes. He wasn't there. He didn't see. No one in the family

> gets it except my Dad. I feel like I have to appease her. Who

> knows how much longer he has left. I hate her treatment of him

> during what should be a special, sacred time in his life. She is

> so selfish. I'm so glad you understand how nada controls through

> abuse of the people or things we love. It's such a terrible choice.

> He is so frail right now. I have to be strong. If he hadn't

> adopted me and raised me I would have had NO normalcy in my life.

> He was my rock and now I have to be there for him. No question. I

> feel so protective of him.....like I would fight tigers for him.

> She hates that I love him that much. It's hard to hide. But having

> a normal Daddy, being a daddys girl while she called me whore and

> fat was the MOST healing thing to me. Once this time passes I will

> Flee. I will go NC if I am strong enough. When I think of this

> (the NC) the little girl in me is terrified of what will happen

> to " MOMMY " if I leave her. The guilt is profound. Especially in

> the face of the doubters who see none of it and look at you with

> tilted heads and confused expressions. Sigh. Thank you for being so

> thoughtful and your reply was brilliant. Thanks.

> Joyce

>