Guest guest Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 Goz, I " m in this pickle myself right now also. I talked to nada and have come to the conclusion that closure as you put it and as I was also looking for will not come from them via words or anything else. I'm finding it has to come from me and just avoiding her phone calls, returning packages, etc, etc. I live 1000 miles away so I don't worry about any unexpected pop-ins, but I'm definitely done w/it too. I think I am just going to take it one day at a time, which won't be too hard since we only talk about once a month anyway over the last two years since my boundaries have gone down, but some times I'm sure I'll want to call just in remembering her when she's normal or various things I actually want to recall or information I need, etc, etc. This is my New Year's resolution though- a nada free 2006 and figuring out how to live w/o her in my life. I guess we're in the same boat w/this one:) We'll have to keep each other posted. Kerrie > > I was wondering if those of you who have had experience can lend some > advice on how to distance myself from my mother (BPD) We had the > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again tolerate in my life > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have not heard from her > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts she has mailed and a > brief converstation on Christmas. > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my sister she is still > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to her illness and > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you know how your mother > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and stop being so strong > willed. > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be nice, and enjoying > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just walk away, but part > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which consisted of her > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I had major surgery. I > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like talking to her would > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't have the energy to > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get along with her. > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, how she hurt me, > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of time. I guess the > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have to. But what do I > do when she tries to act like everything is just fine, tells me she > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth or just tell her I > am busy? > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace than the last. > > Goz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 Hi Goz, I think the best way to go no or limited contact is to think about what is best for you in each situation - and then do exactly that. Being 'nice' to a nada does not give us the reciprocity that we expect and get when being 'nice' to a normal person. No matter what you do, you will not make your nada happy - so it makes sense to look at what can make you happy and concentrate on that. Take care, Sylvia > > I was wondering if those of you who have had experience can lend some > advice on how to distance myself from my mother (BPD) We had the > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again tolerate in my life > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have not heard from her > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts she has mailed and a > brief converstation on Christmas. > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my sister she is still > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to her illness and > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you know how your mother > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and stop being so strong > willed. > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be nice, and enjoying > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just walk away, but part > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which consisted of her > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I had major surgery. I > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like talking to her would > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't have the energy to > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get along with her. > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, how she hurt me, > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of time. I guess the > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have to. But what do I > do when she tries to act like everything is just fine, tells me she > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth or just tell her I > am busy? > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace than the last. > > Goz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 Goz - I think I just posted my message by accident - to finish what I was saying, I have a no contact with nada right now - no phone calls, no visits. Before this occured, I had conversation with her, and told her that I am 38 years old, have my own problems, my own life, I have to worry about me. I told her that her problems, her mess, her life as it is now, is not something I can " fix " for her. I told her I sympathized with her pain, her distress, her health problems, but I did not have the capiability to solve her issues. I told her it was unfair for her to expect me to hop on a plane and drop everything (as I use to, for her, and at the expense of my job, etc.,) She flipped out, was crying and hysterical and the whole freaking bit, but I stood strong. In the midst of all this chaos that she was creating via long distance, I said " I am not going to discuss this any further with you. I have to go. Goodbye mom " . End of story. I hung the phone up with her screaming in the background " Don't you dare...JJ, don't you DARE do this to me... " . Well, haven't heard from her since - This is weird because in the past she'd be freaking out, I was expecting to have the police at my door (which happend once when my phone was out of service for a few days LOLOL). I think it is hard to create a distance with a BPD without " getting into it " sort of speak. No matter what you do, whether it is done with concern and love, your actions may be twisted - BP's filter out what we say - they will hear something completely different. When a BP is not in therapy and denies that they have a problem, how do you sit down with them and say " right now, I need to take a break from this... " . They can't understand it - Maybe someone else out there has had positive experience with creating distance? But in my experience, I've just had to say it as it is. > > I was wondering if those of you who have had experience can lend some > advice on how to distance myself from my mother (BPD) We had the > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again tolerate in my life > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have not heard from her > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts she has mailed and a > brief converstation on Christmas. > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my sister she is still > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to her illness and > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you know how your mother > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and stop being so strong > willed. > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be nice, and enjoying > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just walk away, but part > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which consisted of her > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I had major surgery. I > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like talking to her would > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't have the energy to > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get along with her. > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, how she hurt me, > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of time. I guess the > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have to. But what do I > do when she tries to act like everything is just fine, tells me she > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth or just tell her I > am busy? > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace than the last. > > Goz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2005 Report Share Posted December 31, 2005 Goz, Kerrie, Bridget, , Sylvia, JJ and All, My “positive experience with creating distance” with my nada is to have RC (Rare Contact). I have a lot more serenity, clarity, peace and quiet by rarely talking with her or FOO. I agree that “the answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have to.” What I “do when she tries to act like everything is just fine” is, in my own mind, not believe her, for good reasons based on long history. My nada doesn’t ask to visit with me, but if she did, I’d tell her what I tell her anyway, no matter what she asks about during our RCs (Rare Contacts): as little as possible. She twists EVerything and throws it in my face. I need to protect myself from my own Witch/Queen mother. The less said the better. So, I would say something such as, “I won’t be able to visit with/host you.” If she asked why, I’d simply repeat my answer once, complete my business with her and wish her a good day/night. I don’t have any obligation to a person who has NEVER had my best interests at heart and has, thousands of times, worked to undermine, denigrate and slowly kill me. For me, it all comes down to that simple idea. She’s my mother by blood only. I have no respect for her as my mother. She hasn’t earned any. All my life, I’ve WANTed to respect her as my mother, but she hasn’t given me any reason to do so. I do have some compassion and respect for her as a human being, due to what’s left of my basic human instinct that she didn’t destroy that I’ve been able to resurrect and grow on my own with no help from her. Like someone recently said, I love my mother and I don’t like my nada. That’s my right and choice. I’m at peace with it, sad as it is. My sadness is overwhelmed by the peace of mind, security and confidence I feel in knowing that I’ve made the right choice for me. If she dies today, it’ll still have been the right choice for me. For me, this was tough, long worked-for, expensive, exhausting, necessary, hard-won, and healthy processing and choice-making. She does not have the right and will not have any more opportunities, at least directly with me, to try to twist my words and thoughts, turn my mind around, turn my guts inside out, drive my spirit into the ground, turn my life upside down and harm me as she did for decades. It’s my life, now and forever. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- JJ wrote: > Goz - I think I just posted my message by accident - > to finish what > I was saying, I have a no contact with nada right > now - no phone > calls, no visits. Before this occured, I had > conversation with her, > and told her that I am 38 years old, have my own > problems, my own > life, I have to worry about me. I told her that her > problems, her > mess, her life as it is now, is not something I can > " fix " for her. I > told her I sympathized with her pain, her distress, > her health > problems, but I did not have the capiability to > solve her issues. I > told her it was unfair for her to expect me to hop > on a plane and > drop everything (as I use to, for her, and at the > expense of my job, > etc.,) She flipped out, was crying and hysterical > and the whole > freaking bit, but I stood strong. In the midst of > all this chaos > that she was creating via long distance, I said " I > am not going to > discuss this any further with you. I have to go. > Goodbye mom " . End > of story. I hung the phone up with her screaming in > the > background " Don't you dare...JJ, don't you DARE do > this to me... " . > > Well, haven't heard from her since - This is weird > because in the > past she'd be freaking out, I was expecting to have > the police at my > door (which happend once when my phone was out of > service for a few > days LOLOL). I think it is hard to create a distance > with a BPD > without " getting into it " sort of speak. No matter > what you do, > whether it is done with concern and love, your > actions may be > twisted - BP's filter out what we say - they will > hear something > completely different. When a BP is not in therapy > and denies that > they have a problem, how do you sit down with them > and say " right > now, I need to take a break from this... " . They > can't understand it - > Maybe someone else out there has had positive > experience with > creating distance? But in my experience, I've just > had to say it as > it is. > > > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > experience can lend > some > > advice on how to distance myself from my mother > (BPD) We had the > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again > tolerate in my > life > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have > not heard from > her > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts > she has mailed > and a > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my > sister she is > still > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to > her illness and > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you > know how your > mother > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and > stop being so > strong > > willed. > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be > nice, and enjoying > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just > walk away, but > part > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which > consisted of her > > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I > had major > surgery. I > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like > talking to her > would > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't > have the energy > to > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get > along with > her. > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, > how she hurt > me, > > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of > time. I guess > the > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have > to. But what do > I > > do when she tries to act like everything is just > fine, tells me > she > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth > or just tell her > I > > am busy? > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace > than the last. > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less. dsl.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2005 Report Share Posted December 31, 2005 Non, Goz, Kerrie, Bridget, , Sylvia, JJ and All, I wanted to share a technique of mine that has worked so far. It's been almost two years for me now, and I've purposefully set my own boundaries and limited contact as much as I can. But, early on, I decided it was best not to directly TELL nada I was doing so. Instead, I make excuses that I am busy, and then simply refuse to discuss it any more, but not by saying 'I refuse to discuss it'. Instead I simply change the subject to something about nada, something that doesn't have to do with me whatsoever. This has really worked for me. I find that if I never say anything directly that would key her into the fact that she is being 'rejected' or 'punished', or that I am setting a 'boundary', then she doesn't tend to freak out. I guess I'm saying that with nada, I teach by doing, not by saying. And so far, it really has worked for me. Every once in awhile, she will start calling a bunch, or try to ask if I am mad at her, and I simply refuse to engage. I just refuse. I won't discuss it at all. This has been a very effective way of getting rare contact, for me. I guess it might not work for everyone. I was so severely split bad, that I have no instinct to attempt to be close to nada, or share things with her. And to the extent that I might develop it, her persistent, childish narcissism and complete inability to 'care' about me in any traditional sense, well it just reminds me again and again. Also, I hear story after story on this board, of people articulating boundaries to nada, who then sees it like a three year old would--as a game, as something to be broken down. Except the game is played with such intensity, because it the boundary stands, then nada must split herself bad, and she can't handle that. I have found it safer for myself not to engage in this scenario. I cannot handle the pressure she would put on me if I were to articulate a boundary. Instead, I just act them out. I find it is amazing how truly like a three year old nada is. Sometimes she doesn't like what's happening, (ie, I don't attend an event she wants me at), but as soon as I distract her with something about herself, she completely forgets it. Just like a three year old who gets a new toy, when the first is taken away. The problem with this approach is that is doesn't allow for any resolution of anger. Nada, of course, deserves to be confronted, and deserves to feel pain for the pain she has caused. There is a teenager in me who is furious and paralyzed: This is not the way it's supposed to be! She says. I know. But I also know that I'm not, at present, strong enough to handle the flack I would get if I actually voiced what I was doing. So that's my approach. I don't know of anyone else on the board who's doing it this way, but for me it's totally worth it. Input welcome. Charlie > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > > experience can lend > > some > > > advice on how to distance myself from my mother > > (BPD) We had the > > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again > > tolerate in my > > life > > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have > > not heard from > > her > > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts > > she has mailed > > and a > > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my > > sister she is > > still > > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to > > her illness and > > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you > > know how your > > mother > > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and > > stop being so > > strong > > > willed. > > > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be > > nice, and enjoying > > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just > > walk away, but > > part > > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which > > consisted of her > > > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I > > had major > > surgery. I > > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like > > talking to her > > would > > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't > > have the energy > > to > > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get > > along with > > her. > > > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, > > how she hurt > > me, > > > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of > > time. I guess > > the > > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have > > to. But what do > > I > > > do when she tries to act like everything is just > > fine, tells me > > she > > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth > > or just tell her > > I > > > am busy? > > > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > > > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace > > than the last. > > > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. > Just $16.99/mo. or less. > dsl.yahoo.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2005 Report Share Posted December 31, 2005 Spooky, Bridget did you write this or did I? This nada/grandnada/holding grandchildren hostage thing ... I swear, this is the same for us and my nada has used these very words. How come the similarities are soooo strong? In other conditions, say autism, the basic core is the same, but expression of dysfunction can vary hugely between individuals. Yet the letters here read as if these are almost the same person being described. i don't get that and its bothering me more than a bit. Bewildered - In ModOasis , " Kerrie " <lonewolfe30@y...> wrote: > > Bridget, > I've done reduced contact w/my nada and it doesn't work. I've seen > that yesterday as it seems more to work as intermittent reinforcement > b/c she does not recognize I've moved away further from her, only > that I don't contact her as much any more b/c I'm punishing her or > something crazy like that. Oh yeah, that was one of the many lies she > said. She said I always go off on tiraides to her- ha. I told her > that was a boldfaced lie as I have not gone off on her for well over > 2 years and I never speak to her when I'm enraged b/c I refuse to > engage w/her over anger bonds. She said a few crazy things like that > which let me know she hasn't noticed one iota of how I've grown and > moved away from her over the past two years...only that she still > looks at me exactly the same, which is basically that children are a > dumping ground for all your psychological garbage and that they do > not have a right to their own autonomy, feelings or individuation > processes, much less being. I am under the impression that simply b/c > she put up w/this from her parents and now she's older and I've got > kids, she thinks it is my turn to put up w/this and suck it up like > she did, which is crazy, crazy, crazy. Everytime I'd bring my > grandparents up, her parents, she'd scream 'Leave my mother out of > this!' or 'You're trying to destroy my childhood!' to which I was > just utterly flabergasted. For one, that woman, nada, has never had a > single good thing to say about her mother when she was alive nor even > since she's been dead. But God forbid anyone else is allowed to have > issues w/grandnada as then she becomes fiercely loyal- more like > fiercely Narcassistic Personality Disordered if you ask me. Then > screaming 'You're trying to destroy my childhood.' was just so > unbelievable. Like I - ME- like I can destroy her childhood when its > already over and has been over for a very long time. Man, I think I > saw for the first time the utter depth of sickness still deeply > within that I've not seen before. Of course I've felt it all my life > and have moved away w/boundaries these past few years, but I was > still afraid to confront her- like the Boogie Man in the closet. Now > I felt her freak out and rage at me like she's done so many other > times but I kept my faculties about me and saw that she's just > terribly sick, sick, sick and that in the end, we really have no > business having anything to do w/each other anymore until she decides > she wants to get better. Of course she screamed at me that I was > holding my kids hostage. Hmm, protecting them from their wacko > grandmother is holding them hostage. I'm sure she really does see it > like that b/c anything that is uncomfortable and not her way in our > relationship is so unbearable for her. to require her to grow when > she never required it of her parents seems so unfair to her. Wow- man > these people are so sick and the healthier I get, the more I see it > as truly sick. > Kerrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2005 Report Share Posted December 31, 2005 Charlie, I too have done that approach and like you said it doesn't help resolve the internal anger I feel towards my nada. Instead when I tiptoe lightly around her like this, I end up w/more rage inside of me which risks hurting my husband and kids b/c of the ways I was conditioned to act out like a borderline. I've done that for too long and have a right to be angry when someone victimizes me. I have strong boundaries up but like you said, they see that as a game and try to break them at every turn. I live 1000 miles away and she was threatening to move 5hours away w/her company and an internal transfer. I was just sick at my stomach this past summer at the prospects of her moving close to me at all. In the end, Thank God!, she was turned down for the job- guess her company is smarter than I give them credit for considering she's worked there 30 years or more. Anyway, my first boundary way back when was to no longer talk to her every week but once a month. That worked and has worked for the past few years and she didn't seem to take issue with it or have a problem w/it. Then b/c she did her turn on me around her FOO over the summer and then again this past fall at my son's second b-day at her fada's house (she's not allowed at our house and that's a boundary dh set a while ago though she's unaware of it and I have the set boundary of never spending the night at her house as well as other unstated boundaries such as never being driven over to her house in any car I can't leave in or spending more than 2-4hours max around her at any given time or never leaving my children alone w/her, etc, etc- all unstated boundaries- never talk about anyone else in the family w/her if its remotely negative and even then I'm wary of positives), I stated clearly and succiencly to her that I wouldn't be talking to her again when she's around her family of origin b/c she acts crazy. She acknowledged that she does act different and apologized and then proceeded in the next conversation a few weeks later to retract and negate all of that- her childhood was perfect, her relationship w/her dad is perfect, she has no family issues- the NPD kicking in. Then I didn't talk to her Thanksgiving and called a few days later which she didn't take issue with and I did the same thing on Christmas. The only difference w/Christmas was that SHE called me when she was w/my grandfada when I told her I wouldn't speak to her when she's around the FOO and then lied about it and said he wasn't with her. Add on to the fact she sent my oldest son 6 gifts and the youngest 1 gift and dh two gifts and me none, well I could tell she was being passive- aggressive for laying down a boundary. So I didn't call until yesterday and that went perfectly peachy- tongue in cheek. Actually she was livid that I didn't call her on Christmas though I reminded her that I wouldn't talk to her when she's around her FOO and then proceeded to scream some really lunatic things at me and act like the crazy person she is and well, I was like 'whatever'. It was the first time in my life I have stood up to her when she's raging on me and me not raging back, me keeping my wits about me and calling her on all her lies. Of course she never admitted to any of the lies but quickly switched the subject and brought up a barage of other crazy things, but oh well. While I find it difficult to sit there and listen to ANYONE rage on me, I will not and am not going to be dictated by my fears any longer. I may have been afraid of the situation and logically so, but I said what I had to say. I found my voice, my individuality, my feelings, etc. I was not confused nor steamrolled by her abuse and violence. IN the end there was no resolution between us and that is perfectly okay as I know now it will all pretense anyway and there's no point in me pretending it is possible to have boundaries w/her. It is not and I will not expose my children to that chaos nor subject my husband to dealing w/the reprecusions of her abuse towards me any longer. It is not worth it. She's deranged and has no desire to get better. I have no desire to pretend or to be afraid any longer or to remotely act like I have a mother. She's mentally ill. That much I know. I also know I am not a therapist and even if I were, I'm too close to the picture and am UNQUALIFIED to help her. I do not feel things ended w/a bang. I was drained, but proud of myself for clear thinking while she crazymade again. I feel more like our relationship has just fizzled out and there's nothing left to be done or said. Dh feels very much the same way too and since we are both responsible for making the decisions about our family and have both come to the conclusion that nc is best for our family, then that's the resolution we've come to for this New Year's and it isn't so bad a resolution. She said I wish that she was dead. Nope. I wish she were healthy but that's a choice she has to make and since she doesn't care then I have to face the facts that I don't have a mother in order that I can find a way for me to be a good mother to my own children. Hope that makes sense. Guess I've been battling nada since I was a child though- all bad kid. Oh well. Don't want to be seen as good in her eyes anymore. That would mean I'm doing something terribly wrong and so its good we're over. Its just I'm a little concerned about a month or two when she calls and kind of catches me off guard or something- like when I don't expect it and answer the phone by accident or something else, KWIM? Kerrie > > > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > > > experience can lend > > > some > > > > advice on how to distance myself from my mother > > > (BPD) We had the > > > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again > > > tolerate in my > > > life > > > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have > > > not heard from > > > her > > > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts > > > she has mailed > > > and a > > > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my > > > sister she is > > > still > > > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to > > > her illness and > > > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you > > > know how your > > > mother > > > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and > > > stop being so > > > strong > > > > willed. > > > > > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be > > > nice, and enjoying > > > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just > > > walk away, but > > > part > > > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which > > > consisted of her > > > > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I > > > had major > > > surgery. I > > > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like > > > talking to her > > > would > > > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't > > > have the energy > > > to > > > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get > > > along with > > > her. > > > > > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, > > > how she hurt > > > me, > > > > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of > > > time. I guess > > > the > > > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have > > > to. But what do > > > I > > > > do when she tries to act like everything is just > > > fine, tells me > > > she > > > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth > > > or just tell her > > > I > > > > am busy? > > > > > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > > > > > > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace > > > than the last. > > > > > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ > > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. > > Just $16.99/mo. or less. > > dsl.yahoo.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2006 Report Share Posted January 1, 2006 Non, I really like what you wrote. I haven't read before about loving your mother but not liking nada. Interesting. I will ponder that one for a while. I like it. I also like what you say about if she died today how you still have made the right choices for you. I really like that too. I think it puts so much in perspective. Two years ago in a fit of anger from being victimized by her again, I wanted to call it quits. I wanted to walk away and my T at the time didn't understand nor encourage it saying I lived a thousand miles away and that should be enough. Granted this T refused to see BPs b/c of one bad experience, but now I can kind of see why I needed to go down this road for the past few years. I don't feel I'm walking away at all now. I feel like I've grown so much enormously over the past few years. I am assertive now w/what I want and need. I lay down boundaries and have learned that boundaries are really good in ALL relationships. I have learned not to speak so quickly when I'm angry. I have learned that I don't even have to speak when I'm angry and that I've got a right to that boundary- to not injure someone else when I'm upset b/c the way I was raised was to lash out when feeling hurt. I've learned that there's more than just feeling angry when hurt- there's sadness and depression and that these things are also okay to express in loving relationships and i've got a right to be honest w/my emotions and learn about all of my emotions- not just anger. I've also learned that when I criticize someone or offer a critique, I need to start it off what is positive about that person- give them 10 atta-boys for one dumb $hit. I've learned that people are more receptive to growth and change by being acknowledged for what they are doing right. I've realized I can and do grow and change by having what is right about me acknowledged. I've learned to apologize and that in showing I'm wrong in situations doesn't mean I'm weak. It means I'm human and still growing. It doesn't mean I lose and they win. It means we are having a relationship and winning and being right all the time and never apologizing is what losers do b/c they don't have relationships. They play games and think they're winning when they're losing. I've learned how to negotiate what I want instead of expecting it to be understood or being afraid to voice it. I've learned to compromise in my interpersonal relationships but never my values. I've learned that w/some people no matter how much integrity I operate with or how honest and direct and yet lovingly firm I am w/them, they still just won't get it b/c they don't want to, and that's a choice they make that I have to respect. Choices have consequences. I have the freedom to follow through w/consequences or to fall back in regression and that even regression doesn't mean I'm all bad or a failure...or that I don't get to try again next time. If I had cut off ties before, I wouldn't have learned these things. I too am happy w/the choices I've made. In the end, I think it has been less and less about nada and more and more about me finding out who I am. Best wishes for a Happy New Year! Kerrie > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > > experience can lend > > some > > > advice on how to distance myself from my mother > > (BPD) We had the > > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again > > tolerate in my > > life > > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have > > not heard from > > her > > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts > > she has mailed > > and a > > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my > > sister she is > > still > > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to > > her illness and > > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you > > know how your > > mother > > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and > > stop being so > > strong > > > willed. > > > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be > > nice, and enjoying > > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just > > walk away, but > > part > > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which > > consisted of her > > > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I > > had major > > surgery. I > > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like > > talking to her > > would > > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't > > have the energy > > to > > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get > > along with > > her. > > > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, > > how she hurt > > me, > > > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of > > time. I guess > > the > > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have > > to. But what do > > I > > > do when she tries to act like everything is just > > fine, tells me > > she > > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth > > or just tell her > > I > > > am busy? > > > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > > > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace > > than the last. > > > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. > Just $16.99/mo. or less. > dsl.yahoo.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2006 Report Share Posted January 1, 2006 Great insights Charlie and Recovering Non-BP. I was NC for about 2 years and then got hoovered into what I now managed to make RC. Like Charlie I am also split all bad all the time...but I wonder to myself, what is the point of these inane, mindless conversations in which she articulates nothing and I just talk fluff, like about the dog or something new my baby is doing. She doesn't tell me about her life (thank you very much nada), and I don't give her specifics about mine. Isn't it all just an irrelevant superficial game? As Non-BP said she is a mother by blood---we are all so enmeshed in this cultural appropriateness, that we feel guilty when doing the right thing for us. It is so hard, despite knowing mentally that what has happened to us is not ok. Happy New Year to All-- Hug, sofia > > > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > > > experience can lend > > > some > > > > advice on how to distance myself from my mother > > > (BPD) We had the > > > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again > > > tolerate in my > > > life > > > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have > > > not heard from > > > her > > > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts > > > she has mailed > > > and a > > > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my > > > sister she is > > > still > > > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to > > > her illness and > > > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you > > > know how your > > > mother > > > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and > > > stop being so > > > strong > > > > willed. > > > > > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be > > > nice, and enjoying > > > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just > > > walk away, but > > > part > > > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which > > > consisted of her > > > > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I > > > had major > > > surgery. I > > > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like > > > talking to her > > > would > > > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't > > > have the energy > > > to > > > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get > > > along with > > > her. > > > > > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, > > > how she hurt > > > me, > > > > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of > > > time. I guess > > > the > > > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have > > > to. But what do > > > I > > > > do when she tries to act like everything is just > > > fine, tells me > > > she > > > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth > > > or just tell her > > > I > > > > am busy? > > > > > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > > > > > > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace > > > than the last. > > > > > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ > > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. > > Just $16.99/mo. or less. > > dsl.yahoo.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2006 Report Share Posted January 1, 2006 Sofia, Kerrie, Charlie, and All, Happy New Year to all. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. There’s a lot of wisdom in them. Charlie, I like your approach. I wish it could work with my nada, but, like with Sofia, mine prefers to “talk fluff”, since I won’t give her anything to throw back into my face. It is, as Sofia said, “an irrelevant superficial game.” I get nothing out of it with her, so I don’t play it. Kerrie, that’s one of the best descriptions about personal growth that I’ve ever seen. As I read it, I was nodding my head and saying, “MmmmHmmm, MmmmHmmm, Yes! Beautiful!” One Non-BP Recovering Man --- sofiapeel wrote: > Great insights Charlie and Recovering Non-BP. I was > NC for about 2 > years and then got hoovered into what I now managed > to make RC. > > Like Charlie I am also split all bad all the > time...but I wonder to > myself, what is the point of these inane, mindless > conversations in > which she articulates nothing and I just talk fluff, > like about the > dog or something new my baby is doing. She doesn't > tell me about > her life (thank you very much nada), and I don't > give her specifics > about mine. Isn't it all just an irrelevant > superficial game? > > As Non-BP said she is a mother by blood---we are all > so enmeshed in > this cultural appropriateness, that we feel guilty > when doing the > right thing for us. It is so hard, despite knowing > mentally that > what has happened to us is not ok. > > Happy New Year to All-- > > Hug, > > sofia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > > > > experience can lend > > > > some > > > > > advice on how to distance myself from my > mother > > > > (BPD) We had the > > > > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever > again > > > > tolerate in my > > > > life > > > > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I > have > > > > not heard from > > > > her > > > > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird > gifts > > > > she has mailed > > > > and a > > > > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > > > > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she > tells my > > > > sister she is > > > > still > > > > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking > up to > > > > her illness and > > > > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, > you > > > > know how your > > > > mother > > > > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it > and > > > > stop being so > > > > strong > > > > > willed. > > > > > > > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to > be > > > > nice, and enjoying > > > > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > > > > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and > just > > > > walk away, but > > > > part > > > > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " > (which > > > > consisted of her > > > > > freaking out and flying into a rage days > after I > > > > had major > > > > surgery. I > > > > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems > like > > > > talking to her > > > > would > > > > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I > don't > > > > have the energy > > > > to > > > > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take > to get > > > > along with > > > > her. > > > > > > > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's > missing, > > > > how she hurt > > > > me, > > > > > but even as I write this, it seems like a > waste of > > > > time. I guess > > > > the > > > > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I > have > > > > to. But what do > > > > I > > > > > do when she tries to act like everything is > just > > > > fine, tells me > > > > she > > > > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the > truth > > > > or just tell her > > > > I > > > > > am busy? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to > vent. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more > peace > > > > than the last. > > > > > > > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ > > > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. > > > Just $16.99/mo. or less. > > > dsl.yahoo.com > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________ Yahoo! for Good - Make a difference this year. http://brand.yahoo.com/cybergivingweek2005/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2006 Report Share Posted January 2, 2006 cb, Kerrie, and Bridget, Wow. Thanks for the tell-it-like-it-is stories and insights. The more pointed they are, the more my brain says, “Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I get it.” That straight-forwardness helps me a lot. cb, you wrote, " How do you honor a parent who isn't honorable? . . . If a mother can say such awful things about her own offspring, then what the hell do I need that for? . . . I am making myself better for the benefit of my children, and I am very proud of that. That's closure enough for me.” That about says it all. Kerrie, you wrote, “she still looks at me exactly the same, which is basically that children are a dumping ground for all your psychological garbage and that they do not have a right to their own autonomy, feelings or individuation processes, much less being . .. . [because of] the utter depth of sickness still deeply within [her] we really have no business having anything to do w/each other anymore until she decides she wants to get better . . . it will all pretense anyway and there's no point in me pretending it is possible to have boundaries w/her. It is not and I will not expose my children to that chaos nor subject my husband to dealing w/the reprecusions of her abuse towards me any longer. It is not worth it. She's deranged and has no desire to get better. I have no desire to pretend or to be afraid any longer or to remotely act like I have a mother. She's mentally ill. .. . . I also know I am not a therapist and even if I were, I'm too close to the picture and am UNQUALIFIED to help her. . . . I wish she were healthy but that's a choice she has to make and since she doesn't care then I have to face the facts that I don't have a mother.” That about says it all, too. Bridget, you wrote, “the realization that I wanted to honor, love, respect and trust my nada for my entire life . . . His laid back style, his immaturity and his complete passive actions as a father tended to the monster that ruled the house.” That’s telling it like it is, and was, and probably will be. That’s more closure for me. Thanks to each of you. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- Kerrie wrote: > Charlie, > I too have done that approach and like you said it > doesn't help > resolve the internal anger I feel towards my nada. > Instead when I > tiptoe lightly around her like this, I end up w/more > rage inside of > me which risks hurting my husband and kids b/c of > the ways I was > conditioned to act out like a borderline. I've done > that for too long > and have a right to be angry when someone victimizes > me. I have > strong boundaries up but like you said, they see > that as a game and > try to break them at every turn. I live 1000 miles > away and she was > threatening to move 5hours away w/her company and an > internal > transfer. I was just sick at my stomach this past > summer at the > prospects of her moving close to me at all. In the > end, Thank God!, > she was turned down for the job- guess her company > is smarter than I > give them credit for considering she's worked there > 30 years or more. > > Anyway, my first boundary way back when was to no > longer talk to her > every week but once a month. That worked and has > worked for the past > few years and she didn't seem to take issue with it > or have a problem > w/it. Then b/c she did her turn on me around her FOO > over the summer > and then again this past fall at my son's second > b-day at her fada's > house (she's not allowed at our house and that's a > boundary dh set a > while ago though she's unaware of it and I have the > set boundary of > never spending the night at her house as well as > other unstated > boundaries such as never being driven over to her > house in any car I > can't leave in or spending more than 2-4hours max > around her at any > given time or never leaving my children alone w/her, > etc, etc- all > unstated boundaries- never talk about anyone else in > the family w/her > if its remotely negative and even then I'm wary of > positives), I > stated clearly and succiencly to her that I wouldn't > be talking to > her again when she's around her family of origin b/c > she acts crazy. > She acknowledged that she does act different and > apologized and then > proceeded in the next conversation a few weeks later > to retract and > negate all of that- her childhood was perfect, her > relationship w/her > dad is perfect, she has no family issues- the NPD > kicking in. Then I > didn't talk to her Thanksgiving and called a few > days later which she > didn't take issue with and I did the same thing on > Christmas. The > only difference w/Christmas was that SHE called me > when she was w/my > grandfada when I told her I wouldn't speak to her > when she's around > the FOO and then lied about it and said he wasn't > with her. Add on > to the fact she sent my oldest son 6 gifts and the > youngest 1 gift > and dh two gifts and me none, well I could tell she > was being passive- > aggressive for laying down a boundary. So I didn't > call until > yesterday and that went perfectly peachy- tongue in > cheek. Actually > she was livid that I didn't call her on Christmas > though I reminded > her that I wouldn't talk to her when she's around > her FOO and then > proceeded to scream some really lunatic things at me > and act like the > crazy person she is and well, I was like 'whatever'. > It was the first > time in my life I have stood up to her when she's > raging on me and me > not raging back, me keeping my wits about me and > calling her on all > her lies. Of course she never admitted to any of the > lies but quickly > switched the subject and brought up a barage of > other crazy things, > but oh well. While I find it difficult to sit there > and listen to > ANYONE rage on me, I will not and am not going to be > dictated by my > fears any longer. I may have been afraid of the > situation and > logically so, but I said what I had to say. I found > my voice, my > individuality, my feelings, etc. I was not confused > nor steamrolled > by her abuse and violence. IN the end there was no > resolution between > us and that is perfectly okay as I know now it will > all pretense > anyway and there's no point in me pretending it is > possible to have > boundaries w/her. It is not and I will not expose my > children to that > chaos nor subject my husband to dealing w/the > reprecusions of her > abuse towards me any longer. It is not worth it. > She's deranged and > has no desire to get better. I have no desire to > pretend or to be > afraid any longer or to remotely act like I have a > mother. She's > mentally ill. That much I know. I also know I am > not a therapist and > even if I were, I'm too close to the picture and am > UNQUALIFIED to > help her. I do not feel things ended w/a bang. I was > drained, but > proud of myself for clear thinking while she > crazymade again. I feel > more like our relationship has just fizzled out and > there's nothing > left to be done or said. Dh feels very much the same > way too and > since we are both responsible for making the > decisions about our > family and have both come to the conclusion that nc > is best for our > family, then that's the resolution we've come to for > this New Year's > and it isn't so bad a resolution. She said I wish > that she was dead. > Nope. I wish she were healthy but that's a choice > she has to make and > since she doesn't care then I have to face the facts > that I don't > have a mother in order that I can find a way for me > to be a good > mother to my own children. Hope that makes sense. > Guess I've been > battling nada since I was a child though- all bad > kid. Oh well. Don't > want to be seen as good in her eyes anymore. That > would mean I'm > doing something terribly wrong and so its good we're > over. Its just > I'm a little concerned about a month or two when she > calls and kind > of catches me off guard or something- like when I > don't expect it and > answer the phone by accident or something else, > KWIM? > Kerrie > > > > > > > > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had > > > > experience can lend > > > > some > > > > > advice on how to distance myself from my > mother > > > > (BPD) We had the > > > > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever > again > > > > tolerate in my > > > > life > > > > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I > have > > > > not heard from > > > > her > > > > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird > gifts > > > > she has mailed > > > > and a > > > > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > > > > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she > tells my > > > > sister she is > > > > still > > > > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking > up to > > > > her illness and > > > > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, > you > > > > know how your > > > > mother > > > > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it > and > > > > stop being so > > > > strong > > > > > willed. > > > > > > > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to > be > > > > nice, and enjoying > > > > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > > > > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and > just > > > > walk away, but > > > > part > > > > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " > (which > > > > consisted of her > > > > > freaking out and flying into a rage days > after I > > > > had major > > > > surgery. I > > > > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems > like > > > > talking to her > > > > would > > > > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I > don't > > > > have the energy > > > > to > > > > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take > to get > > > > along with > > > > her. > > > > > > > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's > missing, > > > > how she hurt > > > > me, > > > > > but even as I write this, it seems like a > waste of > > > > time. I guess > > > > the > > > > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I > have > > > > to. But what do > > > > I > > > > > do when she tries to act like everything is > just > > > > fine, tells me > > > > she > > > > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the > truth > > > > or just tell her > > > > I > > > > > am busy? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to > vent. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more > peace > > > > than the last. > > > > > > > > > > Goz > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ > > > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. > > > Just $16.99/mo. or less. > > > dsl.yahoo.com > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________ Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less. dsl.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2006 Report Share Posted January 2, 2006 Hi, I don't read this group much because ironically I don't like to be reminded of what I'm trying to forget I guess. But I can sympathize with you. My father told me in what seemed like one final hysterical, paranoid phone call to me that I was always a " selfish and bad daughter " and he " never wanted to see me again " . This was 6 months ago and I haven't heard from him since. At first I was so liberated! But I wouldn't answer the phone for months because I was afraid it was " him " and the whole relationship would be painfully re- opened and I couldn't face that again. But now I am having more and more guilt. As if all the bad things he has told me about me are inevitably true and I really am an ungrateful horrible daugther and I " allowed " him to be abandoned by me even though it was his tyraid that cut the strings. the rest is a long history that is similar to so many on this site. The kicker is that even when he is finally not in my life his words haunt me and keep plaguing me. More so now when things have cooled down. > > I was wondering if those of you who have had experience can lend some > advice on how to distance myself from my mother (BPD) We had the > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again tolerate in my life > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have not heard from her > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts she has mailed and a > brief converstation on Christmas. > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my sister she is still > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to her illness and > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you know how your mother > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and stop being so strong > willed. > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be nice, and enjoying > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just walk away, but part > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which consisted of her > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I had major surgery. I > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like talking to her would > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't have the energy to > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get along with her. > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, how she hurt me, > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of time. I guess the > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have to. But what do I > do when she tries to act like everything is just fine, tells me she > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth or just tell her I > am busy? > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace than the last. > > Goz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2006 Report Share Posted January 3, 2006 Hi, I only found this group last week and have ben amazed that other people have parents like my nada. Like you, I felt relief at being nc for a while, especially when i got past the terror every time the phone rang, in case it was her. Like you i have felt more guilty as time passes though and have trouble with my nada screaming at me in my head, accusing me all of the time. It is very hard to fight off the feeling of 'really being a bad person, like nada said/implied/raged' etc when I ignore my own flesh and blood. Especially now I know she is infirm and ill and I am the closest able relative. I don't know what the answer is, but thinking of her as having something like BPD (though not actually diagnosed) is helping me to find some perspective. No answers. but maybe less guilt eventually? I hope so. > > > > I was wondering if those of you who have had experience can lend > some > > advice on how to distance myself from my mother (BPD) We had the > > last of the " drama scenes " that I will ever again tolerate in my > life > > a month ago. She left my house angry, and I have not heard from > her > > in a month (thank GOD)except for the weird gifts she has mailed > and a > > brief converstation on Christmas. > > > > She acts like everything is OK, but she tells my sister she is > still > > mad at me. Meanwhile, I am finally waking up to her illness and > > abuse. My dad is doing the typical " Well, you know how your > mother > > can be... " junk, telling me to get over it and stop being so > strong > > willed. > > > > My sister is still " in the game " , trying to be nice, and enjoying > > being the " good daughter " for a change. > > > > I just want to not call, never visit, and just walk away, but > part > > of me needs some closer to our " fight " (which consisted of her > > freaking out and flying into a rage days after I had major > surgery. I > > had to leave the house to protect myself) > > > > > > As I learn more about the illness, it seems like talking to her > would > > be a waste of time. She won't get help and I don't have the energy > to > > jump thru the emotional hoops it would take to get along with > her. > > > > I want to tell her how I feel, what she's missing, how she hurt > me, > > but even as I write this, it seems like a waste of time. I guess > the > > answer is just to avoid any contact unless I have to. But what do > I > > do when she tries to act like everything is just fine, tells me > she > > loves me, wants to visit? Do I tell her the truth or just tell her > I > > am busy? > > > > Thanks for your advice and for this place to vent. > > > > I wish you all a New Year filled with more peace than the last. > > > > Goz > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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