[wto1] re controlled by money

[Guest guest]

ktelewis:

I'm sorry to hear about your and your sister's

experience with college and money. My mom complained

every time I had a bill for college. I got a two-year

degree. Then for years she had complained that I

didn't 'finish' college. I couldn't take it any

longer.

I am relieved to hear that this type of control is

used by other people -- not glad that it happens to

you, just not feeling quite so stupid now. I have

heard the house deal too. Ugh.

Holly

*******************

Posted by: " ktelewis " ktelewis@... ktelewis

Sun Aug 5, 2007 7:03 am (PST)

This is my mom's main control tactic. When I was in

college, she was constantly reminding me that she was

" paying for my college " (and that it was my fault it

was so expensive), so therefore I was obligated to

obey her every whim for my life. She is doing the same

thing to my younger sister now.

I graduated a semester early and got married, so she

didn't have the college money to use against me

anymore. But she keeps trying to offer to buy us

things. Last spring, my husband and I made an offer on

a new house. My mom kept trying to convince us that we

needed her to cosign the loan. When I would say " no,

thanks, " she kept on and on. She said, " Well, some

banks will let parents cosign loans. " And I said,

" Well, some children won't. " I'm working hard with my

sister to help her get out from under the tyranny of

the parental dollar. Thankfully this is

her last semester!

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the

tools to get online.

http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

[Guest guest]

it's so funny because my mother did this with my college bills too.

looking back on it it was soooo SHAMING how every semester she would

complain about the bills. after all her acrimonious comments she

would then say, " i just want you to know how expensive it is. " right.

forget being proud of me for even being in school! my god. i felt

so awful all the time and so 'grateful' they were spending this money

on me; what brainwashing!

my mom does the same with my visa bill. she calls me every month and

in a really negative tone tells me each of my purchases. then she'll

say, " i just want you to know the cost of things. " you know she

could just send me a list via e-mail. i think that would do the job

too!

my god, if these people don't want to pay for us then don't. but

don't sit there and pay and then guilt trip the person and shame the

person for paying. it's making the child responsible for their

boundaries, and i'm not. i am not responsible for how she spends her

money and maintains her happiness. she is.

so shut up ma' !

g.

>

> ktelewis:

> I'm sorry to hear about your and your sister's

> experience with college and money. My mom complained

> every time I had a bill for college. I got a two-year

> degree. Then for years she had complained that I

> didn't 'finish' college. I couldn't take it any

> longer.

>

> I am relieved to hear that this type of control is

> used by other people -- not glad that it happens to

> you, just not feeling quite so stupid now. I have

> heard the house deal too. Ugh.

> Holly

>

> *******************

> Posted by: " ktelewis " ktelewis@... ktelewis

> Sun Aug 5, 2007 7:03 am (PST)

> This is my mom's main control tactic. When I was in

> college, she was constantly reminding me that she was

> " paying for my college " (and that it was my fault it

> was so expensive), so therefore I was obligated to

> obey her every whim for my life. She is doing the same

>

> thing to my younger sister now.

>

> I graduated a semester early and got married, so she

> didn't have the college money to use against me

> anymore. But she keeps trying to offer to buy us

> things. Last spring, my husband and I made an offer on

> a new house. My mom kept trying to convince us that we

> needed her to cosign the loan. When I would say " no,

> thanks, " she kept on and on. She said, " Well, some

> banks will let parents cosign loans. " And I said,

> " Well, some children won't. " I'm working hard with my

> sister to help her get out from under the tyranny of

> the parental dollar. Thankfully this is

> her last semester!

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business gives

you all the tools to get online.

> http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

>

[Guest guest]

One thing that I found was that anytime my nada gave us a loan or gift or paid

for anything (tuition assistance), she automatically assumed the right to

appraise how we spent it and expected to be invited over to see the 'shiny new

toys' (her words -- we bought tractors, re-roofed houses, etc), and it seemed

that if she knew " her " money went towards an item, it was then hers to use. I

think that was part of her shut-down emotionally when we no longer owed her

anything...she felt that there was no longer a bridge to our lives and that when

we refused her money, we were refusing her. The other part was that if we went

somewhere (she and I) and I paid for the meal, she had to pay me back -- down to

the penny. There was no fluidity of 'I'll get it this time and you get the

next'. Despite my embarassed protests. she actually went into a bank once and

wrote a counter check for 75 cents so that (as she explained to the teller) she

" could repay her daughter the money I owe

her " . They are most certainly controlled by money in any form. -Leslye

genevieveheller wrote: it's so funny

because my mother did this with my college bills too.

looking back on it it was soooo SHAMING how every semester she would

complain about the bills. after all her acrimonious comments she

would then say, " i just want you to know how expensive it is. " right.

forget being proud of me for even being in school! my god. i felt

so awful all the time and so 'grateful' they were spending this money

on me; what brainwashing!

my mom does the same with my visa bill. she calls me every month and

in a really negative tone tells me each of my purchases. then she'll

say, " i just want you to know the cost of things. " you know she

could just send me a list via e-mail. i think that would do the job

too!

my god, if these people don't want to pay for us then don't. but

don't sit there and pay and then guilt trip the person and shame the

person for paying. it's making the child responsible for their

boundaries, and i'm not. i am not responsible for how she spends her

money and maintains her happiness. she is.

so shut up ma' !

g.

>

> ktelewis:

> I'm sorry to hear about your and your sister's

> experience with college and money. My mom complained

> every time I had a bill for college. I got a two-year

> degree. Then for years she had complained that I

> didn't 'finish' college. I couldn't take it any

> longer.

>

> I am relieved to hear that this type of control is

> used by other people -- not glad that it happens to

> you, just not feeling quite so stupid now. I have

> heard the house deal too. Ugh.

> Holly

>

> *******************

> Posted by: " ktelewis " ktelewis@... ktelewis

> Sun Aug 5, 2007 7:03 am (PST)

> This is my mom's main control tactic. When I was in

> college, she was constantly reminding me that she was

> " paying for my college " (and that it was my fault it

> was so expensive), so therefore I was obligated to

> obey her every whim for my life. She is doing the same

>

> thing to my younger sister now.

>

> I graduated a semester early and got married, so she

> didn't have the college money to use against me

> anymore. But she keeps trying to offer to buy us

> things. Last spring, my husband and I made an offer on

> a new house. My mom kept trying to convince us that we

> needed her to cosign the loan. When I would say " no,

> thanks, " she kept on and on. She said, " Well, some

> banks will let parents cosign loans. " And I said,

> " Well, some children won't. " I'm working hard with my

> sister to help her get out from under the tyranny of

> the parental dollar. Thankfully this is

> her last semester!

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________________

______________

> Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business gives

you all the tools to get online.

> http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

>

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

My mother was more of the 'I would love to help you but...' ilk. If I needed

money, she would never be able to come up with it herself; as a result, I

refused to accept monetary gifts from her a few years before I went NC because

if she really needed it that much, then far be it from me to take money away

from her (and it's not like I didn't need it, I was a student). I once even

specifically asked for a certain amount at a certain time and she made

absolutely no effort to help me out...instead she bought herself a new set of

living room furniture. Once I came close to not having enough money to pay

college tutition (which was supposed to be my father's responsibility, but he

dropped the ball) and I asked if she could co-sign a loan. She refused on the

grounds of 'What will happen if this doesn't work?' Argh. The whole money

thing always made me SO angry.

is

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

My parents' relationship with money is just sick. I find it the

hardest thing about them to deal with, because it is the way that

they manipulate and the way that they express their lack of caring.

I felt really angry the other day listening to a friend of mine (who

is quite well-off) go on about how she had gotten her daughter's

shoes for 50 cents, and her shirt for two dollars, and found all of

her clothes at yard sales. There's nothing wrong with being thrifty

in buying children's clothes, but her tone really reminded me of my

mother's in that she managed to sound as though she had to justify

every cent that she spent on her daughter, thereby conveying the

message that she did not feel her daughter was worth spending any

money on. I just felt that after 10 minutes of this, there was

something deeper to it than the clothes...

I still am furious over what my parents put me through for going to

college. They insisted that I go to one of the best schools in the

country, and then called me basically every night to remind me of

how poor they were because of it. And I ended up doing really

backwards things like spending all my time working to give the money

to my father, who would then use it for some stupid bill my nada had

racked up. They spent so long telling me that I was finncially

responsible for them that I spent most of my 20's believing them,

and paying them huge portions of my salary every year. Despite

that, once I decided to get married my mother told me that i would

have to repay them everything they'd ever spent on me. Giving them

anything is like putting money into a black hole.

I could write pages about this, I just wish I could write them more

coherently. I am still struggling to figure out my parents'

relationship with money and how it has affected me.

Sara

> >

> > ktelewis:

> > I'm sorry to hear about your and your sister's

> > experience with college and money. My mom complained

> > every time I had a bill for college. I got a two-year

> > degree. Then for years she had complained that I

> > didn't 'finish' college. I couldn't take it any

> > longer.

> >

> > I am relieved to hear that this type of control is

> > used by other people -- not glad that it happens to

> > you, just not feeling quite so stupid now. I have

> > heard the house deal too. Ugh.

> > Holly

> >

> > *******************

> > Posted by: " ktelewis " ktelewis@ ktelewis

> > Sun Aug 5, 2007 7:03 am (PST)

> > This is my mom's main control tactic. When I was in

> > college, she was constantly reminding me that she was

> > " paying for my college " (and that it was my fault it

> > was so expensive), so therefore I was obligated to

> > obey her every whim for my life. She is doing the same

> >

> > thing to my younger sister now.

> >

> > I graduated a semester early and got married, so she

> > didn't have the college money to use against me

> > anymore. But she keeps trying to offer to buy us

> > things. Last spring, my husband and I made an offer on

> > a new house. My mom kept trying to convince us that we

> > needed her to cosign the loan. When I would say " no,

> > thanks, " she kept on and on. She said, " Well, some

> > banks will let parents cosign loans. " And I said,

> > " Well, some children won't. " I'm working hard with my

> > sister to help her get out from under the tyranny of

> > the parental dollar. Thankfully this is

> > her last semester!

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_

> ______________

> > Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business

gives

> you all the tools to get online.

> > http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My experiences with money and nada were simliar yet different. I

knocked myself out in school to get scholarships because I knew I was

never going to college unless I did. Even to this day I'm not sure

that I was really that much smarter than others, just extremely

motivated. My mother contributed nothing towards college, but

bitched and moaned that she was providing me room and board. Made me

start babysitting at thirteen so I could contribute to my expenses.

During arguments, she carries on about how I owe her for giving me

food, shelter, and clothes as I grew up...like I owe her for life for

that. She always bought me the cheapest out of fashion clothes she

could find, insisted on cutting my hair herself, and it made me stand

out at school and made the bullying worse. It is true that as a

family we weren't rich growing up, then I don't think we were poor

enough to justify how she used money either. It has left me with

some odd reactions regarding money to this day - what I feel " free "

to spend it on and what I don't.

> >

> > " I still am furious over what my parents put me through for going

to

> > college. They insisted that I go to one of the best schools in the

> > country, and then called me basically every night to remind me of

> > how poor they were because of it. And I ended up doing really

> > backwards things like spending all my time working to give the

money

> > to my father, who would then use it for some stupid bill my nada

had

> > racked up. They spent so long telling me that I was financially

> > responsible for them that I spent most of my 20's believing them,

> > and paying them huge portions of my salary every year. Despite

> > that, once I decided to get married my mother told me that I would

> > have to repay them everything they'd ever spent on me. Giving them

> > anything is like putting money into a black hole. "

> >

> > Sara, what you wrote sounds very, very similar to my situation. I

> > left my house after spending just one day home after my first

year of

> > college. My mom has terrible BPD and in EXTREMEMLY stubborn and

> > unstable. She has no idea (on the surface, inside I think she is

> > tortured my it) that there is anything wrong with her.

> >

> > After cutting them off (a very difficult thing to do, as I was

only

> > 19 when I did it) so that I could heal, the only contact that I

would

> > get from my mom was that I owed her tens of thousands of dollars

to

> > pay her back for everything from the therapy that I had to go to

in

> > high school for OCD to imaginary bills to food that I ate while

they

> > were raising me.

> >

> > It is extremely frustrating! Right now, I am going to therapy and

> > working through the remaining emotional scars from the abuse and

the

> > craziness. Even though I love my parents more than the world

itself,

> > I am still just keeping a clean, " no-contact " boundary until I am

> > healed enough and strong enough to attempt the special, straining

> > kind of relation that I will have with my mom, if I have any

> > relationship at all.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is so ridiculous. What is the point in doing something for

someone if you are just going to be angry and bitter about it? And

you don't owe her anything...she owes YOU food, shelter and clothes

for bringing you into the world!

>

> My experiences with money and nada were simliar yet different. I

> knocked myself out in school to get scholarships because I knew I was

> never going to college unless I did. Even to this day I'm not sure

> that I was really that much smarter than others, just extremely

> motivated. My mother contributed nothing towards college, but

> bitched and moaned that she was providing me room and board. Made me

> start babysitting at thirteen so I could contribute to my expenses.

> During arguments, she carries on about how I owe her for giving me

> food, shelter, and clothes as I grew up...like I owe her for life for

> that. She always bought me the cheapest out of fashion clothes she

> could find, insisted on cutting my hair herself, and it made me stand

> out at school and made the bullying worse. It is true that as a

> family we weren't rich growing up, then I don't think we were poor

> enough to justify how she used money either. It has left me with

> some odd reactions regarding money to this day - what I feel " free "

> to spend it on and what I don't.

>

[Guest guest]

parents are supposed to help their children. you do not bring a child into the

world and berate them because you supported them. my mother was famous for

always saying to me 'if i do this for you you will have to pay me back'. that is

probably why everytime someone is nice to me i feel i need to return the favor.

having NC is probably best, i too have NC with my nada. my father is deceased. i

have three sisters and three brothers. only two of my sister's still talks to

her-they are just like my nada, which is the reason i have no contact with

them-and only one brother because he recently got out of prison and needs her

approval. she is very ill but i cannot speak with her. as i have posted before,

she is highly toxic. i have decided this year after realizing i married a bpdh

that i had to clean house. after researching this disorder i have come to the

conclusion that unless you treat me with love/kindness and respect i should not

bother trying to make you. i think treating

people with love and respect should just be natural.

i am a mother of three children so i know the difference now.

lisa m

frillyandsilly wrote:

" I still am furious over what my parents put me through for going to

college. They insisted that I go to one of the best schools in the

country, and then called me basically every night to remind me of

how poor they were because of it. And I ended up doing really

backwards things like spending all my time working to give the money

to my father, who would then use it for some stupid bill my nada had

racked up. They spent so long telling me that I was financially

responsible for them that I spent most of my 20's believing them,

and paying them huge portions of my salary every year. Despite

that, once I decided to get married my mother told me that I would

have to repay them everything they'd ever spent on me. Giving them

anything is like putting money into a black hole. "

Sara, what you wrote sounds very, very similar to my situation. I

left my house after spending just one day home after my first year of

college. My mom has terrible BPD and in EXTREMEMLY stubborn and

unstable. She has no idea (on the surface, inside I think she is

tortured my it) that there is anything wrong with her.

After cutting them off (a very difficult thing to do, as I was only

19 when I did it) so that I could heal, the only contact that I would

get from my mom was that I owed her tens of thousands of dollars to

pay her back for everything from the therapy that I had to go to in

high school for OCD to imaginary bills to food that I ate while they

were raising me.

It is extremely frustrating! Right now, I am going to therapy and

working through the remaining emotional scars from the abuse and the

craziness. Even though I love my parents more than the world itself,

I am still just keeping a clean, " no-contact " boundary until I am

healed enough and strong enough to attempt the special, straining

kind of relation that I will have with my mom, if I have any

relationship at all.

---------------------------------

Building a website is a piece of cake.

Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online.

[Guest guest]

This has been the most painful area for me as well. I am in the

worst crisis of my life suddenly now, bc I have allowed my nada to

control me through financial/material manipulations and " help " me

raise my 2 older children (I was a single parent and this was a

decade ago). I had no idea she had a mental illness for so long, I

always thought there was something wrong with me, bc my mother filled

me with so much anger, and no matter what I did to try to deal with

that (my anger at her), nothing has ever helped.

When my kids were babies, she bought us a house to live in, this has

been our home for 13 years - the longest I've ever lived in one

place, and most of my children's lives. She bought me a brand new

car 8 years ago. She has constantly and continuously made expensive

purchases for my children without asking and even after I began to

make a concerted effort (after learning about BPD) to set and enforce

boundaries with her (when my oldest children were about 11 and 13

(now 14 and 16).

Her response to my attempts at setting healthier boundaries for

myself and my family, has been that she turns into the WITCH and

becomes vicious, vindictive, and lashes out, projecting all of her

hatred and venom onto me. That is one thing that caused me to go to

NC temporarily with her - self-protection.

She is a high functioning BPD, and is able to fool almost the whole

world: she has a high status position at the local University in the

small town where we live, and no one would believe in a million years

her true nature.

I have been to partial NC with her for months now, but my kids have

continued to see her. I've been unable to control this,

unfortunately, bc they are teenageers and they just think we " don't

get a long " . Plus, they are lured by all of her money and expensive

gifts, as I have been for much of my life.

I am in so much grief and pain right now. My nada has gone to CPS,

gotten temporary custody of my 2 oldest children, and a no contact

order for all 3 of them. So they are living in her house, and I may

not contact any of them, indefinately. This is my WORST NIGHTMARE,

which I never really believed could or would happen, but it is. She

told the authorities she feared for her life and my kids too. I find

this to be so pathetic. Do you think she actually believes her own

lies, that's what I am wondering. I have not been seeing her,

visiting her, communicating with her in anyway, almost completely for

a few months now. My kids have been acting out more and more, partly

adolescence, partly stress at home, but I can't help but wonder what

kind and how much influence Nada has had upon my children's

continuously worsening behavior (mostly directed at me and my 4 yo

daughter). She bought them both expensive cell phones, and has no

life outside of work, other than to call them at will (daily I'm

sure), constantly nosy, finds them where they are and give them money

or food, manipulate them. I, on the other hand, have been trying

very hard to consistenly set and enforce limits with my kids, who

have been more and more out of control over these past few months.

They have run away, and she has harbored them at her house (they were

grounded), and let them have parties. She allows their friends to

hang out there 24/7, with or without adult supervision, and waits on

them and serves them. As I said she has no life. I am so sick right

now, I need to find a lawyer.

On top of this, I know she also tried to take my 4 yo daughter (who

is afraid of her and for good reason, and has very limited contact

with her grandnada, btw), telling CPS I am an unfit mother. I could

not be at the meeting due to the no contact order nada placed on me,

but my bf (4yo daughter's father)was, and he told me that she

was " incredulous " that he would leave her with me. The hatred I feel

for her at this moment is more intense than I ever dreamed possible.

I am not trying to brag here, but I know it's true, regardless of

what these people think, and my bf completely backs me up, that I am

a very good mother, and always have been. I know I have been much

more of a loving mother, than she ever was to me.

I was told by CPS if I did not voluntarily agree to their terms

(allowing kids to live with nada), they would take court action, and

they would most likely end up with her anyway (ie., I would lose

custody.). So, while I completely disagree (I would prefer they went

to foster care), I felt I had no choice in the matter.

Please, please, I need some advice/suggestions/support from any of

you who've had any similar legal involvement with a BPD parent. I am

desperate.

Lynn

> > >

> > > ktelewis:

> > > I'm sorry to hear about your and your sister's

> > > experience with college and money. My mom complained

> > > every time I had a bill for college. I got a two-year

> > > degree. Then for years she had complained that I

> > > didn't 'finish' college. I couldn't take it any

> > > longer.

> > >

> > > I am relieved to hear that this type of control is

> > > used by other people -- not glad that it happens to

> > > you, just not feeling quite so stupid now. I have

> > > heard the house deal too. Ugh.

> > > Holly

> > >

> > > *******************

> > > Posted by: " ktelewis " ktelewis@ ktelewis

> > > Sun Aug 5, 2007 7:03 am (PST)

> > > This is my mom's main control tactic. When I was in

> > > college, she was constantly reminding me that she was

> > > " paying for my college " (and that it was my fault it

> > > was so expensive), so therefore I was obligated to

> > > obey her every whim for my life. She is doing the same

> > >

> > > thing to my younger sister now.

> > >

> > > I graduated a semester early and got married, so she

> > > didn't have the college money to use against me

> > > anymore. But she keeps trying to offer to buy us

> > > things. Last spring, my husband and I made an offer on

> > > a new house. My mom kept trying to convince us that we

> > > needed her to cosign the loan. When I would say " no,

> > > thanks, " she kept on and on. She said, " Well, some

> > > banks will let parents cosign loans. " And I said,

> > > " Well, some children won't. " I'm working hard with my

> > > sister to help her get out from under the tyranny of

> > > the parental dollar. Thankfully this is

> > > her last semester!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

> _

> > ______________

> > > Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business

> gives

> > you all the tools to get online.

> > > http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Not even an hour after my stepdad passed away last July, my Nada

started in (passive/aggressively of course) on money, and how much

I've cost her (2nd mortgage, etc.,), right in front of my poor

stepsister. It was hurtful, embarrassing, and humiliating. Her

guilt/shame trips have intensified tenfold now that he's gone. She

has been threatening to kick me (and my kids) out of our home that

she supposedly bought for us repeatedly over the last year. That's

one reason I went to NC again. Her hatred towards me seems to have

intensified. I am so glad I put my life on hold to be there for her

through her difficult time (he was in the hospital 6 weeks), and

grief. She waited 2 weeks to have a funeral even. I found this to

be selfish and excessive. And, it seemed like she liked all the

attention. Isn't that just sick? And, now, I am her evil spawn

again, and she has nothing better to do but try to destroy my life

all because she doesn't have one.

I swear when/if this CPS thing is ever resolved (if I can survive

it), I am taking my family and leaving the state and I don't care if

I ever see her again. I've tried so hard to be a good daughter to

her, and now I am really paying for that. It's like I don't even

exist, I'm not here, I don't matter, she wants my children & my life

to the extent she will stop at nothing to destroy me, my own mother.

Lynn

> >

> > My experiences with money and nada were simliar yet different. I

> > knocked myself out in school to get scholarships because I knew I

was

> > never going to college unless I did. Even to this day I'm not

sure

> > that I was really that much smarter than others, just extremely

> > motivated. My mother contributed nothing towards college, but

> > bitched and moaned that she was providing me room and board.

Made me

> > start babysitting at thirteen so I could contribute to my

expenses.

> > During arguments, she carries on about how I owe her for giving

me

> > food, shelter, and clothes as I grew up...like I owe her for life

for

> > that. She always bought me the cheapest out of fashion clothes

she

> > could find, insisted on cutting my hair herself, and it made me

stand

> > out at school and made the bullying worse. It is true that as a

> > family we weren't rich growing up, then I don't think we were

poor

> > enough to justify how she used money either. It has left me with

> > some odd reactions regarding money to this day - what I

feel " free "

> > to spend it on and what I don't.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

No one in our imediate family ever acompanied nada to funerals of her

FOO, even for her stepdad and mother. Nada was so wrapped up in

milking all for the attention to be centered on her " greiving " it was

all a play for attention. I apologized to my aunt in a letter for not

showing up at her fathers funeral. Because we dont know what all nada

has been telling them over the years. Of course she probably ran to

nada with the tidbit of info and nada would deny any wrong doing and

go on about how ungratefull a daughter i am etc etc. You just cant

win. some years later nadas mother died. I did have a chance to speak

with her my grandmother once or twice and was glad of that. And i

visited her in person not long before she passed away. But it pained

me not to be able to pay my respects at her funeral. I just couldnt

take it anymore Nada having all the attention, ruining everything,

clutching onto me the whole way through. Dumping all her hate on me

and somewhow making me look like the bad evil one. Forgive me for not

wanting to be around the same air my own mother breathes.

Ann

> > >

> > > My experiences with money and nada were simliar yet different.

I

> > > knocked myself out in school to get scholarships because I knew

I

> was

> > > never going to college unless I did. Even to this day I'm not

> sure

> > > that I was really that much smarter than others, just extremely

> > > motivated. My mother contributed nothing towards college, but

> > > bitched and moaned that she was providing me room and board.

> Made me

> > > start babysitting at thirteen so I could contribute to my

> expenses.

> > > During arguments, she carries on about how I owe her for giving

> me

> > > food, shelter, and clothes as I grew up...like I owe her for

life

> for

> > > that. She always bought me the cheapest out of fashion clothes

> she

> > > could find, insisted on cutting my hair herself, and it made me

> stand

> > > out at school and made the bullying worse. It is true that as

a

> > > family we weren't rich growing up, then I don't think we were

> poor

> > > enough to justify how she used money either. It has left me

with

> > > some odd reactions regarding money to this day - what I

> feel " free "

> > > to spend it on and what I don't.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's what I've been working on for the last hour. So far, all too

expensive. She has money. I have none.

>

> You don't have a lawyer yet?????

>

>

> I need to find a lawyer.

> >

>

> I'd start there.

>

[Guest guest]

i see...

that definitely complicates things.

sorry you're having so much trouble!

> >

> > You don't have a lawyer yet?????

> >

> >

> > I need to find a lawyer.

> > >

> >

> > I'd start there.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lynn,

Please check with our board monitor, she may be able to point you in

the right direction. I know there is a group for adults who have a

BPD spouse, and I believe there are lawyers that provide advice for

them. You may want to locate that group as well and see if there is

anyone who can help you will legal advice.

I am so glad to hear that you still have your 4 year old. I

sincerely wish that you will find a way to get your children back

and get your nada out of your life.

Sylvia

> > > >

> > > > ktelewis:

> > > > I'm sorry to hear about your and your sister's

> > > > experience with college and money. My mom complained

> > > > every time I had a bill for college. I got a two-year

> > > > degree. Then for years she had complained that I

> > > > didn't 'finish' college. I couldn't take it any

> > > > longer.

> > > >

> > > > I am relieved to hear that this type of control is

> > > > used by other people -- not glad that it happens to

> > > > you, just not feeling quite so stupid now. I have

> > > > heard the house deal too. Ugh.

> > > > Holly

> > > >

> > > > *******************

> > > > Posted by: " ktelewis " ktelewis@ ktelewis

> > > > Sun Aug 5, 2007 7:03 am (PST)

> > > > This is my mom's main control tactic. When I was in

> > > > college, she was constantly reminding me that she was

> > > > " paying for my college " (and that it was my fault it

> > > > was so expensive), so therefore I was obligated to

> > > > obey her every whim for my life. She is doing the same

> > > >

> > > > thing to my younger sister now.

> > > >

> > > > I graduated a semester early and got married, so she

> > > > didn't have the college money to use against me

> > > > anymore. But she keeps trying to offer to buy us

> > > > things. Last spring, my husband and I made an offer on

> > > > a new house. My mom kept trying to convince us that we

> > > > needed her to cosign the loan. When I would say " no,

> > > > thanks, " she kept on and on. She said, " Well, some

> > > > banks will let parents cosign loans. " And I said,

> > > > " Well, some children won't. " I'm working hard with my

> > > > sister to help her get out from under the tyranny of

> > > > the parental dollar. Thankfully this is

> > > > her last semester!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

> > _

> > > ______________

> > > > Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business

> > gives

> > > you all the tools to get online.

> > > > http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lynn,

I'm not sure which state you are living in, but I know that when I lived in

Massachusetts, they had legal advocacy for people who were not well off (when I

was a student, I used them). They weren't actually lawyers, but they could get

you started in the right direction -- so like a basic consult -- for free. Is

there anything like that where you are?

is

---------------------------------

Be a better Globetrotter. Get better travel answers from someone who knows.

Yahoo! Answers - Check it out.

[Guest guest]

Lynn-

This makes me sick to my stomach. I wish you ALL the best in the world. I know

how betrayed you must feel. Just know that in the end your children know you are

not a bad mother and sooner or later they will realize what a wonderful (not)

person your nada is.

le

lynntillie wrote:

Hi is, thanks for responding. As a matter of fact, yes, I did

find something like that yesterday. They explained some basic

information about my situation to me in legal terms, and gave some

suggestions, which is a starting point. I found out that if and when

CPS makes a " Dependency Action " , I will then qualify automatically

for a public defender. The problem is, even though they have taken

my children from me, I am, so far, complying voluntarily, called

a " voluntary placement agreement " . I have not signed anything and

she said it does'nt matter, but definately DON'T SIGN anything, bc if

I do, I will NOT qualify for the public defender if it does go to a

dependency action.

Either way, I am screwed, and my life is in the hands of these

people.

Our options are to REVOKE the voluntary agreement, and if we do that,

we may have a public defender, and CPS will start a dependency action.

or

comply with whatever they say and hope I get my kids back home ASAP.

There is no guarantee either way, and both options are quite risky.

She also told me to put some things in writing, but be very careful

how I word it because from this point on out, everything and anything

can and will be used against me to make me look like an unfit mother.

What really pissed me off this morning was thinking about all the

years of abuse and neglect I experienced at the hands of my high

functiong queen/witch nada, and nobody ever did anything to

intervene. And, now here I am, it doesn't matter whether the

allegations are true or false (they are false), or if I am a good

mother or not, the point is I have been accused, and anyone can

accuse you at anytime for any reason, and they have the authority to

split a family apart. They claim to be " protecting " the children,

but my children, especially my 4 yo, is being emotionally traumatized

by the actions of the state.

They are colluding with my mother of course, who appears to be so

wonderful to the rest of the world (except those exclusive few who

get to know the real her).

My teenagers, are being spoiled rotten by her at the moment, and

getting to do whatever they want all the time. She is incapable of

providing safety, limits, healthy boundaries, etc., as I am well

aware of and the reason I have tried my hardest to keep much distance

between us and her for the past couple of years. I really screwed up

when my stepdad died.

I should've asked him to will my family's home to me in his will (I

wasn't thinking he was going to die exactly). Now she is evicting us

from the home my parents bought for us 13 years ago. There has never

been any threat of this, up until a few months after my stepdad's

death. If he were here right now, none of this would or could be

happening, bc he would never allow it.

Anyway, thank you so much for writing.

Lynn

>

> Hi Lynn,

>

> I'm not sure which state you are living in, but I know that when

I lived in Massachusetts, they had legal advocacy for people who were

not well off (when I was a student, I used them). They weren't

actually lawyers, but they could get you started in the right

direction -- so like a basic consult -- for free. Is there anything

like that where you are?

>

> is

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better Globetrotter. Get better travel answers from someone

who knows.

> Yahoo! Answers - Check it out.

>

>