When non borderline children become step-parents

[Guest guest]

I really am trying to refocus my son's attentions. I try to communicate to him

that he is ok and safe. I have told him many times that it is not what you have

but who you are that matters. I explain my disciplines to him and let him have a

voice in daily activities. I just feel like I'm trying to untie so many of his

knots at once, and when he is away from our home they get tied up again! We will

have had a nice conversation about why people are more important that things and

that spending time with someone you love is more important that having them buy

stuff for you, and as soon as he walk out the door to go to his moms house, IT'S

GONE!! I think he retains some of it, but he is so immersed in his mom's way of

doing things that whatever does make it into his head is quickly dashed by her

and the stepdad. I am constantly undoing her destructiveness!

I don't seem to get anywhere most days. I'm concerned that all my son is

seeing is me telling him that his mother is full crap and that I'm better than

she is. That is not my intent at all! Yet when he calls her from our house, he

is uppity and tells her that I said she's bad and wrong (not directly, but it's

in his words). Then she is angry with me.

Example: Mom smokes in the car with all windows up and claims that the AC

blows the smoke away so they are not breathing it. She says he's safe. He

believes it. Then he sees a TV report that says that smoking is banned from

restaurants b/c second hand smoke is dangerous. He asks me what second hand

smoke is- I tell him. He asks how you can tell when you're breathing it- I tell

him that if he can smell it everytime he takes a breath, he's breathing it. He

immediately recounts what his mom told him. He also says he can smell it in the

car a lot. Whatever I say to him is going to make him feel like his mom isn't

really taking care of him and that I am being argumentative and uppity. I tell

him anyway that having the windows up with the AC on is not blowing the smoke

out of the car. He gets worried and feels insecure, which leads to needing

everyone around him (me mostly) to cater to him so that he can feel in control

again. That causes tension in our home. Then he goes back

to his mom's house and tells her what I told him. He gets punished by her and

stepdad and I have to field an angry phone call about how I am badmouthing her

to her own son.

What should I have said? " Oh yeah, your mom is right. Even though you can

smell smoke, you should just ignore that garbage about secondhand smoke being

dangerous. It's not real anyway. " Um, NOOOO! I can't lie to the kid, he gets

that enough from his mom.

He really is a good person under all of his problems. They just stand out so

much that I get frustrated b/c I can't see through them. I guess all I can hope

for is that somewhere in his silly little head, all of my efforts are

registering and he'll be able to choose well for himself later in life. Maybe

he'll become a fancy expert lie detector and buy me a nice car for treating him

like good human being.......maybe!

Adria

kylaboo728 wrote:

I know my children -- especially when they were 8 years old -- would

have been heartbroken to have their dad gone from the home,

remarried and raising another child. It's happened to a couple of

their friends and they look on it with extreme sadness. It's hard

to imagine a young child " visiting " his dad, who is raising another

child. One divorced dad moved back into the same neighborhood with

his new wife and her 2 kids. So now, his original children get

to " visit " their Dad, knowing that he's in the home with two other

children they hardly know. These other children are the ones who

get to tell their dad " goodnight " every night -- and " good morning "

over breakfast. It's just heart wrenching to think of what that

does to a young child.

And if his mother is " emotionally retarded " on top of that, then

this young child who's only been on this earth for 8 years, has a

mountain to deal with.

It could be that you could be the one to save this child. You could

be the loving home that he goes to and can escape the emotional

immaturity of his mother. And all you have to do is look past his 8

year old behavior and give him steadfast, emotionally healthy love.

I pray that you'll be that person he looks back on as an adult and

says " I thank God every day for bringing her into my life. She's

my " real " mother. "

He's got a lot to deal with and probably feels a little unloved due

to circumstances, so he's testing you, fully expecting (in his young

mind) that you'll reject him just like everybody else -- that he

really is unlovable. I think if you let him know that despite

his " triggers " and despite his acting out, that you're still there

in his corner and that you still love him, things will turn around.

__________________________________________________