Re: Giving them your glory Was: Is that part of the healing process?

[Guest guest]

With anything for which I might have received recognition, my nada

managed to taint the situtation in one way or another. As a child, I

wasn't aware that my nada's generous offer of sewing majorette

uniforms, and all the sewing she did of my dresses for plays, etc.

was really her enmeshment and living her life through me. It is so

hard to grasp the knowledge that throughout my lifetime neither she

nor my father ever said 'good job' or 'I'm proud of you' or anything

to recognize my efforts.

I didn't fully realize how nada has to take all the glory until my

college graduation - when dad took me aside to tell me to thank nada

for all she did for me. I did that, still expecting someone would

say they were proud of my achievements. Good thing I didn't hold my

breath on that one! Oh yeah, I can always fall back on the 'there

was never any child as loved as you were' default statement.

(sarcastic statement here!)

Take care,

Sylvia

> >

>

> > When I was young, Nada once cried in front of a crowd

> > when she was introduced at an event honoring ME.

>

> This is so my nada. I remember once I was asked to compete at a

> sporting competition and I told my coach " I don't want to give my

> mother the glory. "

>

> He was so confused.

>

> Anyone else have a similiar experience?

>

> DD

>

[Guest guest]

When I graduated college, my nada was hurt apparently because I

wasn't giving her enough attention or something. It was " her "

graduation after all...haha Anyway, I still remember vividly in the

car on the way home my nada saying to me " you have accomplished

nothing, nothing " while my dad just sat there driving and not

saying a word. Now granted they attended and even had a party for me

and took a few of my close friends out to dinner. I dont recall any

heart felt words or acknowedgements of my achievement, so it's even

more confusing when you get a lot of good stuff like the party, etc.

but not the words and in fact a very hurtful thing was said. That

was almost 17 years ago and I still recall vividly that moment in

the car. I was stunned!

> > >

> >

> > > When I was young, Nada once cried in front of a crowd

> > > when she was introduced at an event honoring ME.

> >

> > This is so my nada. I remember once I was asked to compete at a

> > sporting competition and I told my coach " I don't want to give

my

> > mother the glory. "

> >

> > He was so confused.

> >

> > Anyone else have a similiar experience?

> >

> > DD

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Same here....My nada used to say, " I already know exactly what I

want to wear and who will be invited to your wedding---now if only

you can find someone to put up with you.... "

I got the last laugh---married someone they hate---and I eloped---

she found out when someone else told her! Ha!

Hugs,

Sofia

> >

>

> > When I was young, Nada once cried in front of a crowd

> > when she was introduced at an event honoring ME.

>

> This is so my nada. I remember once I was asked to compete at a

> sporting competition and I told my coach " I don't want to give my

> mother the glory. "

>

> He was so confused.

>

> Anyone else have a similiar experience?

>

> DD

>

[Guest guest]

I have had the same experience, I often feel like my mother is

trying to live through me, I think many take her comments as just

bragging about her daughter, but I feel like its more. Becasue when

I do something she dissagrees with and cant brag to people about,

she throws a tantrum and tries emotional blackmail, demanding I do

what she wants so she isnt embarrased. It is so interesting to me

that other people have had the same experience.

> > >

> >

> > > When I was young, Nada once cried in front of a crowd

> > > when she was introduced at an event honoring ME.

> >

> > This is so my nada. I remember once I was asked to compete at

a

> > sporting competition and I told my coach " I don't want to give

my

> > mother the glory. "

> >

> > He was so confused.

> >

> > Anyone else have a similiar experience?

> >

> > DD

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

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>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hmmm... the whole needing their approval, still hoping hoping

hoping that if I could just get their attention they would see how

cool and great and wonderful I am... I struggle with this. Nada and

fada are bitter and depressed and repressed and God knows what else

bc they just can't see the good that exists. And the so-called good

they talk about has to do with unhealthy lies and denial and all

that; pretending and charading that something exists that was never

there.

> they don't enjoy having me around, how pathetic is that? Why do

I still hope they will see me for how good I am?? What could

replace this for me...?? Telling myself I am good, giving myself a

pat on the back--it's like that guy on Sat Night Live, anyone

remember him, who stood in front of the mirror and told

himself " goshdarnit I'm good enough " every day. How pathetic is

that?

> What replaces my need for nada and fada pride and that glowing

look in their eyes that says " wow my daughter is so wonderful " ?

Obviously, anything I do is never good enough or could even get

through to them. Guess I have to take my pain and suck it up.

> S.

>

*****No, you really don't have to suck it up. It is possible to

give yourself what your parents didn't give you. This was for me a

slow process. Slower because for most of my life I didn't know

about BPD and that was what was wrong with nada. I am still not at

the place where I wake up in the morning and can begin every day

with expectation. But my life has improved with every effort I have

made, and that has been enough encouragement to make even more

efforts.

Just keep on telling yourself you are good and patting yourself on

the back. Tell the voice that says that is pathetic to shut

up....for me that voice was my nada living rent free in my head.

You can reclaim your life.

Take care,

Sylvia