Guest guest Posted November 23, 2005 Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 Mandy, Welcome to Mod! Boy when I read your post, I said outloud- '52 times in 4 days!?!' You got a nutjob on your hands, huh? My mom and NPD grandfada have done stalking type stuff before too but not that extreme. You sound like your bps are really low functioning. Have you ever thought of moving away and not giving a forwarding address if you are very worried nada will show up on your frontdoorstep? Has your T suggested this just b/c it sounds like she's psychotic and I'm not sure how safe I'd feel in your shoes- not to scare you, I think your nada's done a sufficient job of that herself. I'm just saying she sounds extremely unstable. My nada is crazy mind you, but has limits to her craziness that make her merely neurotic vs psychotic...but she's also more of a high functioning borderline and hence refuses to get help. Anyway, I'm glad you're here. What you're going through w/the initial breaking away is IMHO the hardest part b/c its the first step. The first step always seems the hardest though it definitely is NEVER easy in my experience of dealing w/a borderline. The second and third steps are hard too for me w/boundaries and violations, but some nadas you just have to go NC like you're doing in order to protect your and your family's welfare. I live 1000 miles away from nada and so her showing up on my doorstep is not a remote option. Actually has talked about moving 5 hours north of me and that's too close in my opinion. It doesn't matter though, I'm at the point where NC sounds very good. I am most certainly contemplating going that route after the holidays but I don't even know if I want to serve her divorce papers or just never talk to her again and let her figure it out, KWIM? Best wishes, Kerrie > > > > As you all know, I am fairly new here,a nd I am not sure whether or > > not this is a " forbidden " topic or not. I am hoping that it is not. > > Yesterday, I nearly had an emotional breakdown. having chosen n/c > > with nada, I of course get e-mails every so often with the typical > > emotional blackmail routine. I had gotten to the point where I felt > so > > alone that I pretty much sunk into my own little black storm cloud- > > like funk for the day. I couldn't seem to cheer up, stop crying, or > > having some very dark thoughts. I knew the holidays were going to > be > > tough, but I don't think I had any idea just HOW hard. I am just > > breaking the cycle of dysfunction, but I am having trouble > functioning! > > Then, after my mini-breakdown, I checked my e-mail. BIG MISTAKE. In > > the midst of my group messages and funny forwards from friends, > there > > was an e-mail from Nada, titles Happy Thanksgiving. In it, she had > to > > mention thats he didn't know where I was, yadda yadda yadda. so, of > > course, I feel like a horrible daughter and mother for not allowing > my > > child to see her. > > What do you do to get through the first holiday where you do n/c > > with Nada? I am still SO angry, but at the same time, I feel > > obligated, and for some reason, indebted. How can I get past this? > > Does anyone have some words of wisdon? I do not tend to share > feelings > > or emotions with family members, and when things get really bad, I > > just go into a shell. I am so afraid of becoming nada-like, I think > I > > am cutting off some of my most powerful allies and supporters. What > > can I do to try to get past that? > > Thanks so much for anything you can offer up. > > > > > > > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @B... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35- SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2005 Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 Hey Kerrie, Thanks for the response. Yes, very low functioning BPs here. She lives 200 miles away, but trust me, it's not far at all! I unfortunately do not have the ability to hop up and move. Both my job and my hubby's jobs are here, and not easily changeable. It's interesting how similar all our stories are. I sometimes feel in my life so alone, that this seriously can't happen to other people? But, strangely, it does. I just am learning that NC is the best and safest way for me and my hubby right now. You're right, the first step it is the hardest step. But, I have been told to call the proper authorities if she does show up. In any case, my hubby and I plan on having a nice dinner together and hope that all the other non-bps have a SAFE, NON-CHAOTIC, and LOVING Thanksgiving! Thanks, Mandy Kerrie wrote: Mandy, Welcome to Mod! Boy when I read your post, I said outloud- '52 times in 4 days!?!' You got a nutjob on your hands, huh? My mom and NPD grandfada have done stalking type stuff before too but not that extreme. You sound like your bps are really low functioning. Have you ever thought of moving away and not giving a forwarding address if you are very worried nada will show up on your frontdoorstep? Has your T suggested this just b/c it sounds like she's psychotic and I'm not sure how safe I'd feel in your shoes- not to scare you, I think your nada's done a sufficient job of that herself. I'm just saying she sounds extremely unstable. My nada is crazy mind you, but has limits to her craziness that make her merely neurotic vs psychotic...but she's also more of a high functioning borderline and hence refuses to get help. Anyway, I'm glad you're here. What you're going through w/the initial breaking away is IMHO the hardest part b/c its the first step. The first step always seems the hardest though it definitely is NEVER easy in my experience of dealing w/a borderline. The second and third steps are hard too for me w/boundaries and violations, but some nadas you just have to go NC like you're doing in order to protect your and your family's welfare. I live 1000 miles away from nada and so her showing up on my doorstep is not a remote option. Actually has talked about moving 5 hours north of me and that's too close in my opinion. It doesn't matter though, I'm at the point where NC sounds very good. I am most certainly contemplating going that route after the holidays but I don't even know if I want to serve her divorce papers or just never talk to her again and let her figure it out, KWIM? Best wishes, Kerrie > > > > As you all know, I am fairly new here,a nd I am not sure whether or > > not this is a " forbidden " topic or not. I am hoping that it is not. > > Yesterday, I nearly had an emotional breakdown. having chosen n/c > > with nada, I of course get e-mails every so often with the typical > > emotional blackmail routine. I had gotten to the point where I felt > so > > alone that I pretty much sunk into my own little black storm cloud- > > like funk for the day. I couldn't seem to cheer up, stop crying, or > > having some very dark thoughts. I knew the holidays were going to > be > > tough, but I don't think I had any idea just HOW hard. I am just > > breaking the cycle of dysfunction, but I am having trouble > functioning! > > Then, after my mini-breakdown, I checked my e-mail. BIG MISTAKE. In > > the midst of my group messages and funny forwards from friends, > there > > was an e-mail from Nada, titles Happy Thanksgiving. In it, she had > to > > mention thats he didn't know where I was, yadda yadda yadda. so, of > > course, I feel like a horrible daughter and mother for not allowing > my > > child to see her. > > What do you do to get through the first holiday where you do n/c > > with Nada? I am still SO angry, but at the same time, I feel > > obligated, and for some reason, indebted. How can I get past this? > > Does anyone have some words of wisdon? I do not tend to share > feelings > > or emotions with family members, and when things get really bad, I > > just go into a shell. I am so afraid of becoming nada-like, I think > I > > am cutting off some of my most powerful allies and supporters. What > > can I do to try to get past that? > > Thanks so much for anything you can offer up. > > > > > > > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @B... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35- SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2005 Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 Hi Mandy, You can't save them. And you're not responsible for them or for their actions. You can save yourself, and I think you are doing great at that, considering the horrific circumstances. It sounds like the children are being taken care of too. When I was in physical contact with my nada, she always threatened suicide when I did not do as she wished. I agree that if my nada were to show up at my door and threaten suicide, that I would also call the cops. Welcome to the group. Sorry that you too have non-chosen relationships with BPDs. Best, Lula Mandy wrote: Hi everyone-- thanks for sharing today. I related to everything that was said. This is my first time sharing on this-- so please, bare with me. My mom and older sister (38) both have BPD. I have been living with this dysfunction my entire life. Last Sat I woke up to my mom calling me at 5:50 am with an emergency. My sister had just been Baker Acted into the psych ward for 3 days b/c the cops were called by neighbors. Her and her 3rd hubby (42) were up for 3 days straight on an exstasy/coke binge with 3 children in the house. They are 7, 2 and 6 mos. Child Services were called and now it has turned into a nightmare. I am breaking my codependency chains with these BPs and their chaotic lives. So, as much as I wanted to go over there and save the kids, I removed myself from the situation. During the last week, I've lost 5 lbs, I can't sleep, eat-- basic functions. And everyday, my BP mom has called me and tried me make me feel guilty for not helping anyone in their time of need. That my actions were " despicable. " And they both made up this crazy story that she was gang raped by 12 men, and forced to take drugs. They can all live in their denial, chaos, and just plain madness. But, I am getting help. I saw my psychologist on Friday and we have made a game plan to cut off communication with mom and sis for 26 months. I sent " divorce papers " , if you will, and since they've received them, I have been called 52 times in 4 days. What is going to happen when BP mom comes to my home, banging on the windows and doors threatening suicide for all the pain I am causing and putting her thru? What am I to do? My psych told me to call the cops and hope that the " manipulator " gets help....God help me. How do you all do it? I have to do this for my own health, sanity, my husband's health and sanity, and overall to achieve serenity..... Thanks and God Bless, Mandy Kerrie wrote: , I think your feelings are pretty normal after being conditioned by a nada to feel guilt at the drop of a hat. In my opinion, you are rewriting your family tree. To look at nada and the past is to miss the most important part of the present- your child and thereby the hope of the future. It is NOT at all easy going nc. The thing is, you are feeling feelings I too have felt before and to me, it is at times very anxiety producing and yet also a great barometer of where I still need to grow=- where I need to face my fears and find a way to make myself feel safe. Even though I've got some members of the FOO I do like, I can't even be around them or talk to them as they don't validate my feelings or reality- say things like 'when are you going to get over your childhood?' And so you staying distant from other members of the fammily makes sense to me. So many are in denial or gloss over behaviors and thereby only add to feelings of isolationism- or at least that's my experience. I look at my two little ones, a 28mos old and a 7mos old, and make a deal w/myself that things will be better for them- not perfect, but better. I don't do holidays w/the FOO. We are staying here at our house for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. I feel no guilt. My current family is SO much more important to me than the FOO and so we create our own traditions. In actuality I think all families, whether functional or dysfunctional, need to create their own traditions that are a unique _expression of their family. No families are exactly alike. I embrace that and enjoy that part about my family...my current family of dh and two sons and I. But the guilt, well yes, grandfada TRIED (and failed I might add) to put me on a guilt trip about not coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas- like he knew I wasn't coming home Thanksgiving and just knew I'd come home at Christmas. He wanted me to use one of my creditcards and fly out to be w/the FOO. I said 'nope. We're paying off all our debts- what a concept.' He didn't understand that. I told him I wasn't gonna spend a great deal of money on anyone's gifts either and I'd appreciate it if they didn't spend much on us either. I can tell a big difference between how I handle even things like my finances vs the FOO's ways of handling finances and how much more respect I have for myself vs their need to compromise their financial freedom to impress people they'd never really like if they got to know them, KWIM? It was lost on grandfada, but in the end, I just told him 'well, that's what you'd do and you're entitled to your opinions, but my husband and I have a different family and we like the way our family operates.' End of story. I guess grandfada expects b/c he's so old, 86, that I'm suppose to jump and drop everything to want to be around him in his golden years. Well he's a jerk for the most part and very much an NPD and helped my mom be a real crazy and so I don't feel I owe him anything. If he cuts me out of his will, so be it. Like I said, I'm more than working on our finances and I don't need anything from him- wow- what a concept...or at least from his standpoint. Its amazing though, the more and more distant I become from the FOO, the more and more they realize they have to be very nice to me in order to ever see me again. I'm sure they feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me b/c I'll just pack up and never see them again or not let the kids ever see them again (which they have only seen them twice a year anyway thus far), but good. They should. I don't think just b/c someone shares the same bloodlines that they're allowed to treat you or I or anyone else different than they would a complete stranger. In fact I think it is just the opposite. I give a crap a lot more about what my kids and husband think of me than I do anyone here or in the FOO or elsewhere, KWIM? I think that's the way it should be and that's the opposite of what I was taught. But that is exactly what dh was taught and so its been good learning from him. Anyway, I know what you mean about reading emails or listening to voicemails and such. Makes me cringe sometimes and in the end, I just process it and talk IF I want to WHEN I want to and not a second before just b/c I want to contain the fire from within. You sound like you are doing the same. It isn't easy though. They have a lot of strings they can pull w/us and they pull them b/c they don't care about us as much as they care about trying to fill their own emptiness. That has been a hard pill to swollow. I really want to beleive that my FOO cares about me and everytime I allow myself to believe that, I get ran off into a ditch. In the end, I care about me and that's enough- more than enough from what I was taught. They don't care about themselves, much less could they care about me. Their lifestyle is so much less than I want out of life and relationships and love and for my family and kids and the future...and so again, we're staying HOME for the holidays. Kerrie > > As you all know, I am fairly new here,a nd I am not sure whether or > not this is a " forbidden " topic or not. I am hoping that it is not. > Yesterday, I nearly had an emotional breakdown. having chosen n/c > with nada, I of course get e-mails every so often with the typical > emotional blackmail routine. I had gotten to the point where I felt so > alone that I pretty much sunk into my own little black storm cloud- > like funk for the day. I couldn't seem to cheer up, stop crying, or > having some very dark thoughts. I knew the holidays were going to be > tough, but I don't think I had any idea just HOW hard. I am just > breaking the cycle of dysfunction, but I am having trouble functioning! > Then, after my mini-breakdown, I checked my e-mail. BIG MISTAKE. In > the midst of my group messages and funny forwards from friends, there > was an e-mail from Nada, titles Happy Thanksgiving. In it, she had to > mention thats he didn't know where I was, yadda yadda yadda. so, of > course, I feel like a horrible daughter and mother for not allowing my > child to see her. > What do you do to get through the first holiday where you do n/c > with Nada? I am still SO angry, but at the same time, I feel > obligated, and for some reason, indebted. How can I get past this? > Does anyone have some words of wisdon? I do not tend to share feelings > or emotions with family members, and when things get really bad, I > just go into a shell. I am so afraid of becoming nada-like, I think I > am cutting off some of my most powerful allies and supporters. What > can I do to try to get past that? > Thanks so much for anything you can offer up. > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.