I'm very anxious tonight...HELP!

[Guest guest]

This is my first day on this site and I made a post earlier. Now I

have had a chance to read many more posts and I have a

question...For those of you that stand up to your BP Moms, HOW DO

YOU DO IT??

I'm 32, having my first (and only child), just married last year and

getting very protective of my husband and soon to come son. I have

been in therapy and it's helping, but when I get ready to set

boundaries with her, I have anxiety attacks and become fearful of

what she might do.

I'm not discounting the things she has done to me - She is usually

very loving to me, but it's usually when she needs something from

me. Now, I am becoming fearful of her. She does not go into fits of

rage with me, although she does with other members of our family -

grandparents, aunts, and uncle...Really, anyone but me and sometimes

my brothers. She does something different with me/us. She guilts us,

ignores us, plays one against the other, manipulates situations,

says terrible things about us to anyone that will listen and even

get my dad to agree with her and be angry at us. She's always right

and the only opinion he ahs is the one she gives him.

I am fearful now because I know some of the things she has done to

other people in our family. I know of two different times she has

made animals disappear because she didn't like them around kids. I

have 2 poodles that she does not like and they are very ,much part

of my little family. As the days get closer to me giving birth, I am

also feeling protective of my dogs. Will she get in my yard and

poison them, or will she come in my house and let them go when we

are gone to the hospital? I'm having my house re-keyed tomorrow and

we have locks on the gates.

I'm very close with my grandma who lives 5 hours away. For whatever

reason my mom is really angry with her for being so close with me

and is doing her best to get her not to come help when I have the

baby. She told both of us that I don't need her because I already

have a mom.

My poor 5 year old niece is totally emotionally dependant on her. My

mom has been her " daycare " since she was a baby. She is starting

school this month and is worried about leaving grandma. This isn't

the biggest problem. My mom lets her wear pull ups when she sleeps

over and suck a bottle when she goes to bed! She has been potty

trained for 3 years and off the bottle for longer than that, but my

mom not only offers this to her, but encourages her to do it by

telling her it's their secret. Her parents would be very upset about

this if they knew. I don't know if I should tell them, although I

would want to know if it was my kid!

Now that I'm in therapy and starting to set limits and boundaries

with her, she has it out for my husband. Of course it's his fault

that she can't control me anymore. I am honestly fearful of what she

could do to us or to him if she feels to threatened.

Aside from animals disappearing, she has called CPS for no reason to

have my cousins removed from their home, keyed cars, slashed tires,

taken money from family members when visiting, cancelled hotel

reservations for family vacations then they find out when they get

there, tried to have people fired from work...The list goes on.

Somehow she has got my dad to totally break ties with his family -

Including his 2 sons from a previous marriage. They don't have any

friends. They did for a short period of time but I don't know what

happened to those relationships.

I have relationships with my entire family and she gets very angry

when she finds out I have visited them (She doesn't like anyone but

me, my dad and her " own kids " ). She calls my husband to say awful

things about the people we keep relationships with hoping he will

side with her and tell me to put an end to it, and ignores me for

days.

It's crazy how she thinks. She needs me all to herself and I can't

be that for her anymore. This is partially my fault because I have

catered to her every need for so long. I still feel guilty for

hurting her, but all I am doing is setting boundaries for her. My

guilt turns into me hurting. I have developed an anxiety disorder -

I think because of her! Therapy 3 times a week actually helps a lot!

This isn't fair to my husband, although he is always very kind to

her and finds ways for me to laugh at some of the things she says

and does. This is the first time in my life I have put myself first

(before her) and I just don't know why it is so difficult for me! I

wouldn't put up with this crap from anyone else!

I still love my mom very much and I just wish she could love me in a

healthy way. Do any of you have a relationship with your BP mom that

doesn't hurt either one of you?

I'm tired of all the secrets and lies, and I don't want my son to

ever know this kind of life or for my husband to be caught in the

middle.

So, I guess I need to know from those of you that stand up to your

BP mom's...Did you ever feel like this?

I'm sorry this is so long, thank you for reading it. It's just so

nice to know that there are people that actually understand. I

really appreciate any advice.

Debra