Re: OT-new baby blues

[Guest guest]

>

>How did it go?

>I hope you're not depressed.

No, not too depressed. He is absolutely beautiful though. Really, quite

gorgeous for an infant.

Amy H

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

> is. But I think therein lies the difference between those who have NT

> children before autism, or even after. The absolute joys of motherhood are

> not lost of them as they are on me.

I agree wholeheartedly, Grace. If I'd had an NT child first, then , I would

probably be more open to having another. I find, from having had this list for

2 years and meeting hundreds of parents, that families that had an NT first are

more likely to have another even after the diagnosis of the next one's autism,

where families that got a diagnosis with an only child (or twins) are more

likely to stop there. Then there are the cases where there are two autistic

kids very close together; most of those families didn't have the first dx before

having the next baby -- that would have been myself, had I not had severe ppd

and a dh on the boats. As it happened, those things contributed to us getting

the dx before getting pregnant again...something I was already wondering about

due to the ppd and all.

I do agree. If I'd had the mothering experience that everyone else gets the

first time around, the autistic child might not have shaken me so much...

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> I have to say that I think we are all so different here. I mean I

> have 2 boys who are both autistic and the second is more severe than

> the first. > or naive. I just think we all are different and have to

follow our

> own hearts. It is an interesting topic that was raised though:)

> Jacquie H

Jacquie,

I agree, totally.

I am totally in support of whoever wants to try for more children after

autistic children. I am not approaching this from " why have more kids when

they are not all NT " at all. On the contrary, it's a personal thing for me

where I do not want more kids of my OWN if they are not guaranteed NT. I

draw the line at two FOR ME, with MY personality, and MY abilities and

limitations. I simply cannot handle another devastation.

You, and others, on the other hand, are a different kind of personality, and

in turn, a different kind of mother. I am learning, but still so far from

becoming the kind of mom who just accepts things as is. My mother was not

that way, my dad is not that way, and I have to work really hard just to let

things be. Unlike Jacquie, or Penny, and everyone else who accepts autism

in their kids - - I still want it out. I know the remaining child will not

be the same child, but she will still be MY child. I don't love my girls

because of their unique characteristics or their looks, but completely

because they are mine. I also feel like that is why I can love them,

despite the autism, despite the hardships in recent years.

I very well could be wrong. Who knows, if ever comes a time when the autism

is gone, I may declare that I miss it. The chances of that happening are so

minimal, I don't even want to think about it. But for the time being, I

want it gone, and it takes everything in me to live with two autistic

children in my life. I just have no room in my heart, and home, for more.

I know that if I had another child, I would love him or her just as much as

I do my girls. But if that child were to be autistic, yet again... with my

girls as autistic as they are right now..... then I honestly do not think

that I could live with the pain. The pain of having given away three kids

to autism is a big part of it, but so is the pain of never having an NT

child to see if I can actually live up to being the kind of mother I wanted

to be..... without dealing with special education, neurologists, and the

like.

I applaud you for wanting more. I think that says a WHOLE LOT about you and

the depth of your heart. Call me shallow, but I just can't give anymore

without withering away........ and now this is making me sad LOL!!!

Grace

[Guest guest]

Jacquie, I would have gone for my plan of five, too, if I didn't get the

autism from the starting line.

Now that is rather disturbing and sad, isn't it?

To be totally politically INcorrect, it's like this <in my mind>:

If I had " gotten it right " at least once in the past, and my mothering

actually brought force a well-adjusted relatively " normal " child once

before, the autism that my girls have now would not be such a personal issue

for me. I can chalk it up to a 50-50 genetic chance, and try again. But

this was my first attempt, and regardless of what science dictates, or I

know in my head - - my heart feels like I failed, and WOOSH, there goes the

confidence in me as a mother.

And Jacquie, you have a very medical and neurological and VALID reason to

avoid pregnancy altogether, even putting everything autistic or bipolar

aside. Like I said, that was completely OUT THERE. Having a baby is great,

but sheesh - that is a high cost to pay.

Grace

Re: OT-new baby blues

>

> > is. But I think therein lies the difference between those who have NT

> > children before autism, or even after. The absolute joys of motherhood

are

> > not lost of them as they are on me.

>

> I agree wholeheartedly, Grace. If I'd had an NT child first, then , I

would probably be more open to having another. I find, from having had this

list for 2 years and meeting hundreds of parents, that families that had an

NT first are more likely to have another even after the diagnosis of the

next one's autism, where families that got a diagnosis with an only child

(or twins) are more likely to stop there. Then there are the cases where

there are two autistic kids very close together; most of those families

didn't have the first dx before having the next baby -- that would have been

myself, had I not had severe ppd and a dh on the boats. As it happened,

those things contributed to us getting the dx before getting pregnant

again...something I was already wondering about due to the ppd and all.

>

> I do agree. If I'd had the mothering experience that everyone else gets

the first time around, the autistic child might not have shaken me so

much...

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jacquie,

sounds like you and I had very similar pregnancies but I was dumb

enough to do it again and I am trying for another. I must have lost

alot odf brain cells!LOL I didnt have pre-eclampsia,polyhydramnios,

or C-section(almost)but had the rest along with preterm labor 2 times

with each kid and kidney infection. I think a couple of other things

that I have blocked out along with the labor from hell! Oh, and

Greggory was supposed to be a twin but the other baby did not mature

and was reabsorbed. God knew I wasn't as strong as Grace and I wuld

have killed us all had I had autistic twin while livnig in NC! LOL

Jacquie H

>

> > --I don't know what to say....oh here goes. How many do you

have?

>

> I have only one. I wanted three. We planned for three. Three was

what we were going to have...

>

> But then...

> -whatever that condition is called where you vomit for all 9 months

> -an 85lb weight gain

> -bed rest

> -2 hospitalizations because my skin was leaking fluid

> -pre-eclampsia

> -polyhydramnios, a dangerous condition where there is far too much

amniotic fluid

> -whatever that condition is called where your baby NEVER drops

because he's too big and your pelvis is too small

> -monthly ultrasounds and non-stress tests

> -a non-emergency c-section where I begged them to give me an

epidural and they gave me a spinal instead, which resulted in left-

side paralysis for about 3 hours after I woke up

> -multiple uterine infections

> -a breastfeeding attempt from hell

> -postpartum depression with an episode of psychosis

> -autism

>

> Can't do it again. I just CAN'T. And I cried for two years

because I can't. Physically, I could, although I'm high-risk.

Emotionally, I CAN'T. So becoming immune to babies is my heart's way

of dealing with that.

>

> I have

> > 4(I know Salli for one still has me beat!!) and I love my little

slobbery

> > bugger. I cannot imagine my life without anyone one of my

slobbery buggers!!!

>

> And I envy you.

>

> Jacquie

[Guest guest]

I have to say that I think we are all so different here. I mean I

have 2 boys who are both autistic and the second is more severe than

the first. They are born very close together and I didnt get

Greggory's dx until Alec was 6 months old. Alec also has Bp and so

does my sister. We have alot of patchy family history as both mothers

of me and my husbvand are adopted. I do know that genetics play a big

role in this. I don't have an NT child. After all of that I have

always wanted at least 5 kids and I still plan to have them. I don't

know what to say about it. I know I am risking my heart breaking

another time but for me it is worth the risk. I am not so sure that

it makes a difference if you already have an NT child or not or if

all your kids are autistic. It didnt for me. But I am sure it does

for other moms. I don't think there is anything wrong with stopping

after a child is dx'd. Its a hard life to live as we all know. I dont

think wanting more kids after a dx makes you anymore strong or brave

or naive. I just think we all are different and have to follow our

own hearts. It is an interesting topic that was raised though:)

Jacquie H

>

> > is. But I think therein lies the difference between those who

have NT

> > children before autism, or even after. The absolute joys of

motherhood are

> > not lost of them as they are on me.

>

> I agree wholeheartedly, Grace. If I'd had an NT child first, then

, I would probably be more open to having another. I find, from

having had this list for 2 years and meeting hundreds of parents,

that families that had an NT first are more likely to have another

even after the diagnosis of the next one's autism, where families

that got a diagnosis with an only child (or twins) are more likely to

stop there. Then there are the cases where there are two autistic

kids very close together; most of those families didn't have the

first dx before having the next baby -- that would have been myself,

had I not had severe ppd and a dh on the boats. As it happened,

those things contributed to us getting the dx before getting pregnant

again...something I was already wondering about due to the ppd and

all.

>

> I do agree. If I'd had the mothering experience that everyone else

gets the first time around, the autistic child might not have shaken

me so much...

>

> Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> I am very fond of babies (much easier than fourteen year olds)

Let's not forget those delightful twelve year olds as well.

and I would

> be delighted to have another child but I can say that easily as I

am ancient

> and husbandless.

Okay, semi ancient, and I have the husband, but he is ancient, and I

refuse to have a baby younger than my first grandchild.

[Guest guest]

> sounds like you and I had very similar pregnancies but I was dumb

> enough to do it again and I am trying for another.

Wow, Jacquie. I'm in AWE. I will never, ever try for another. I am utterly

convinced that if I had another autie none of us would survive.

I am just not a strong person.

Good for you!!!!!!!!!! And good luck in your baby three attempts!

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> always wanted at least 5 kids and I still plan to have them. I don't

> know what to say about it. I know I am risking my heart breaking

> another time but for me it is worth the risk.

Again, Jacquie, you have my complete and utter admiration.

You ROCK!

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> I applaud you for wanting more. I think that says a WHOLE LOT about you and

> the depth of your heart. Call me shallow, but I just can't give anymore

> without withering away........ and now this is making me sad LOL!!!

>

> Grace

Grace,

I'm with ya! I'm feeling like a big, shallow, weak chickenshit now!

Ah, well. That will go away.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

Awwww Grace,

don't be sad. You are very strong and capable mother. We all

know it. We all have different styles too. I have learned to accept

things I cannot change. Thats just me. I decided for me and my boys

that less is more and that while in the beginning I was totally into

fixing their problems or at least getting the most out of each of

them to make them as normal as possible I have finally decided

that " I " can't do it. I am willing to accept them for who they are

now no matter if they never change because I have given up alot of

therapies. I say that because it is " my " limit. You are not anymore

shallow in knowing your limits than I am in knowing mine. Cheer up

Grace, you are wonderful!

Jacquie H

>

> > I have to say that I think we are all so different here. I mean I

> > have 2 boys who are both autistic and the second is more severe

than

> > the first. > or naive. I just think we all are different and have

to

> follow our

> > own hearts. It is an interesting topic that was raised though:)

> > Jacquie H

>

> Jacquie,

> I agree, totally.

> I am totally in support of whoever wants to try for more children

after

> autistic children. I am not approaching this from " why have more

kids when

> they are not all NT " at all. On the contrary, it's a personal

thing for me

> where I do not want more kids of my OWN if they are not guaranteed

NT. I

> draw the line at two FOR ME, with MY personality, and MY abilities

and

> limitations. I simply cannot handle another devastation.

> You, and others, on the other hand, are a different kind of

personality, and

> in turn, a different kind of mother. I am learning, but still so

far from

> becoming the kind of mom who just accepts things as is. My mother

was not

> that way, my dad is not that way, and I have to work really hard

just to let

> things be. Unlike Jacquie, or Penny, and everyone else who accepts

autism

> in their kids - - I still want it out. I know the remaining child

will not

> be the same child, but she will still be MY child. I don't love my

girls

> because of their unique characteristics or their looks, but

completely

> because they are mine. I also feel like that is why I can love

them,

> despite the autism, despite the hardships in recent years.

> I very well could be wrong. Who knows, if ever comes a time when

the autism

> is gone, I may declare that I miss it. The chances of that

happening are so

> minimal, I don't even want to think about it. But for the time

being, I

> want it gone, and it takes everything in me to live with two

autistic

> children in my life. I just have no room in my heart, and home,

for more.

> I know that if I had another child, I would love him or her just as

much as

> I do my girls. But if that child were to be autistic, yet again...

with my

> girls as autistic as they are right now..... then I honestly do not

think

> that I could live with the pain. The pain of having given away

three kids

> to autism is a big part of it, but so is the pain of never having

an NT

> child to see if I can actually live up to being the kind of mother

I wanted

> to be..... without dealing with special education, neurologists,

and the

> like.

>

> I applaud you for wanting more. I think that says a WHOLE LOT

about you and

> the depth of your heart. Call me shallow, but I just can't give

anymore

> without withering away........ and now this is making me sad LOL!!!

>

> Grace

[Guest guest]

" A compliment is always nice to hear, no matter what, huh? "

You betcha!

JacquieH(who thinks moms never get enough of them)

> > therapies. I say that because it is " my " limit. You are not

anymore

> > shallow in knowing your limits than I am in knowing mine. Cheer up

> > Grace, you are wonderful!

> > Jacquie H

>

> Hee hee.... ha, ha, HEHEHEHE....

> A compliment is always nice to hear, no matter what, huh?

>

> A gleeful gloating grace

[Guest guest]

.. I am learning, but still so far from

> becoming the kind of mom who just accepts things as is. My mother was not

> that way, my dad is not that way, and I have to work really hard just to

let

> things be. Unlike Jacquie, or Penny, and everyone else who accepts autism

> in their kids - - I still want it out.

Oh, Grace, you still have very newly diagnosed children. I think everyone

feels this way at first which is not to say that you do not know and

understand your own feelings. But few of us come to acceptance without

traveling the whole path of grief.

When people say that without autism, they would have a different child, what

they really mean is if the autism were suddenly erased, then they would not

know who their child was. Most of us would be simply delighted to find the

autistic qualities lessening gradually over the years until our children

seem NT. But we would need a gradual change so as to recognize our child.

I think you are a fine mother in terrible circumstances; I wish you had

been given the opportunity to prove your skills at mothering under normal

circumstances, before you were handed your own tougher assignment. I am

sure you would have done well at that also.

Salli

[Guest guest]

>>>You may not miss what you don't have on a daily basis,

> but don't you ever wonder what could be?<<<

Nope. not me. I never really wanted to have children. And after the

first one I said, nope never again. Then came Jacqui, and yes, this

time, this is it. No more.

Some people really are not meant to have a house full of children,

and I would be one of them. Some people want bunches and that's

awesome!

So, to each is own. but my baby making days are over.

And yes, I love the cuddly little buggers, but I have to take them in

VERY small doses.

Penny :-), who's mother is 1 of 8, and who's dh's mother is 1 of 20.