Guest guest Posted October 18, 2005 Report Share Posted October 18, 2005 That is so awful what your mother did to you. No wonder why you are withdrawn--there is a lot to sort out. I think a common feeling among BP kids is that we feel misunderstood by adults. No one would believe us if we told them these bizarres stories because our mother will act perfectly fine around them. Also, people who did not grow up with a BP mom have a hard time really understanding what we are talking about. As the words come out of your mouth, you start to say " this sounds so ridiculous, who would ever believe that a mother would do this? " Then you start to feel afraid that they might think you are a liar. I am very happy that you have a supportive environment to stay in right now. Every day that you are away from your nada's behavior, the more the fog will be lifted from your mind. These people obviously care about you and want to help you. Instead of trying to relentlessly explain to them why you are withdrawn, just make a committment to yourself to do one thing to be engaging every day. This will help you integrate into your new environment and will also help you get out of your funk. No need for heroics, just one small thing every day. Living with nada I got a good case of " stinking thinking " . These are negative thoughts that keep you in a constant state of feeling bad. The feelings are like an onion that you need to peel back layer by layer. It happens slowly but your feelings of being a zombie with no personality will change. -Meg > > i am wondering if there is anything that i can do/say to the people > that i am staying with. they are truly amazing but i don't think that > they understand why i am so withdrawn and personality-less. i know > that that is not how i want to be, but when i push the issue with > myself i just get a feeling like time will do the best job. > ok so here's a story for you guys... > for awhile my nada's fav thing to do was wait until i had gotten out > of the shower at nite in the dead of winter. she would make up some bs > story and fly into a rage and lock me out of the house...no shoes, wet > hair, etc. it was awful. and then i had to ring the doorbell and try > to figure out what it was i was supposed to be apologizing for. it was > kinda like 20 q's. " Mom i am so sorry that i left the laundry in the > dryer " nada " You know d### well it wasnt the fing laundry. did you SEE > what i saw? " and so on. after awhile i realized she was taking a lot > of the shows on dr. phil to heart and using them on me! it wasn't > funny at the time, but it kind of is now, because i could watch the > show and anticipate what would happen. so those outdoor days ended > when she realized i had it figured. thanks again guys.-motorlegs13 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2005 Report Share Posted October 18, 2005 Hi again Motorlegs, I was so trained to be " tuned in " to mum, in order to avoid or at least be ready for the latest update to today's neurosis, that it took months to learn not to be on guard after I fled. A year for it to " sink in " that she wasn't there. What you are describing is what I experienced as well for a few months. You are con-fused about your mother. Don't worry overly much, especially not at the moment. The fog will clear . wondering i am wondering if there is anything that i can do/say to the people that i am staying with. they are truly amazing but i don't think that they understand why i am so withdrawn and personality-less. i know that that is not how i want to be, but when i push the issue with myself i just get a feeling like time will do the best job. ok so here's a story for you guys... for awhile my nada's fav thing to do was wait until i had gotten out of the shower at nite in the dead of winter. she would make up some bs story and fly into a rage and lock me out of the house...no shoes, wet hair, etc. it was awful. and then i had to ring the doorbell and try to figure out what it was i was supposed to be apologizing for. it was kinda like 20 q's. " Mom i am so sorry that i left the laundry in the dryer " nada " You know d### well it wasnt the fing laundry. did you SEE what i saw? " and so on. after awhile i realized she was taking a lot of the shows on dr. phil to heart and using them on me! it wasn't funny at the time, but it kind of is now, because i could watch the show and anticipate what would happen. so those outdoor days ended when she realized i had it figured. thanks again guys.-motorlegs13 Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2005 Report Share Posted October 18, 2005 motorlegs, Ditto what and Meg said. Especially, “No wonder why you are withdrawn--there is a lot to sort out. I think a common feeling among BP kids is that we feel misunderstood by adults. No one would believe us if we told them these bizarre stories because our mother will act perfectly fine around them. Also, people who did not grow up with a BP mom have a hard time really understanding what we are talking about. As the words come out of your mouth, you start to say " this sounds so ridiculous, who would ever believe that a mother would do this? " Then you start to feel afraid that they might think you are a liar.” That’s EXACTLY how I felt for a long time. It was hard, over time, to separate telling people things like, “My mother’s fine” from my inner rage about what I had to endure because of her. With practice and time, it kept getting less difficult and, eventually, not too hard. Maybe it got not too hard when I learned to accept that I had good reasons for saying nada was “fine” (such as, I didn’t want to open up another can of worms trying to explain nada -- exhausting) and feeling rage (a natural response for me before I started to understand how sick nada and FOO are). I was also “tuned in” (for me, hypervigilant) and on guard, as a natural response to protect myself. These kinds of adaptive behaviors slowly reduced for me as I let them go and replaced them with more effective behaviors. That’s taken work, time and support, like I get on this board. Thanks to you and all. One Non-BP Recovering Man wrote:Hi again Motorlegs, I was so trained to be " tuned in " to mum, in order to avoid or at least be ready for the latest update to today's neurosis, that it took months to learn not to be on guard after I fled. A year for it to " sink in " that she wasn't there. What you are describing is what I experienced as well for a few months. You are con-fused about your mother. Don't worry overly much, especially not at the moment. The fog will clear . wondering i am wondering if there is anything that i can do/say to the people that i am staying with. they are truly amazing but i don't think that they understand why i am so withdrawn and personality-less. i know that that is not how i want to be, but when i push the issue with myself i just get a feeling like time will do the best job. ok so here's a story for you guys... for awhile my nada's fav thing to do was wait until i had gotten out of the shower at nite in the dead of winter. she would make up some bs story and fly into a rage and lock me out of the house...no shoes, wet hair, etc. it was awful. and then i had to ring the doorbell and try to figure out what it was i was supposed to be apologizing for. it was kinda like 20 q's. " Mom i am so sorry that i left the laundry in the dryer " nada " You know d### well it wasnt the fing laundry. did you SEE what i saw? " and so on. after awhile i realized she was taking a lot of the shows on dr. phil to heart and using them on me! it wasn't funny at the time, but it kind of is now, because i could watch the show and anticipate what would happen. so those outdoor days ended when she realized i had it figured. thanks again guys.-motorlegs13 Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2005 Report Share Posted October 18, 2005 Wow, that is just freaky with Dr. Phil. I’m sure that would make a really good potential show subject in itself, considering how much he likes to feature bad parenting techniques. I think what you’ve described as lack of personality and withdrawal is really normal for us KO. As a matter of fact, you reminded me of that part of my early life out of the house. It’s really hard to feel like you have a personality when FOO has trained you to display such a specialized set of characteristics…you get out in the world and you are still so used to gauging and putting on your ‘deal with nada mask’, and suddenly you don’t know how to act anymore. These people are nice, how will they pull the rug out from under me in the future? What do they want? And it can be so subliminal. I still feel that way sometimes when I’m with new people and not comfortable yet. But it does get better. Cheers, Sakura >i am wondering if there is anything that i can do/say to the people Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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