The best she knew how

[Guest guest]

brightbluewings,

You wrote that you “believe that [your nada] is

literally doing the best she knows how”. I’ve long

been interested in this idea. For me, it goes to the

heart of consciousness.

Two examples follow. When I forget something, I

usually say, “I forgot”. Does that mean I was

conscious of it, but not accessing it? If I didn’t

access it, was that intentional or unintentional? If

I wasn’t conscious of forgetting, am I still

responsible for whatever I forgot? The other example

is, if someone brutalizes their child, are they

conscious of it, but not accessing it? If they aren’t

accessing it, was that intentional or unintentional?

If they aren’t conscious of brutalizing, are they

still responsible for brutalizing their child?

Illustrations include my nada, and famous brutalizers

and murderesses. My point is, was my nada “literally

doing the best she knows how”? Legal, ethical and

moral systems would probably conclude “no”. Yet, how

is it that such phrases as that “she did the best she

could” or “she did the best she knows how” are usually

accepted? At what point is “the best”, or an

“accident” or “insanity” defense acceptable? This is

no criticism at all of you. I’ve wondered about this

for many years.

My sense of this is that, when I’ve thought that my

nada “did the best she could”, it comes from

self-denial. Basically, I didn’t want to believe that

my nada did what she did. I felt too afraid and

threatened emotionally, mentally, spiritually and

physically. For me, the last defense of my “mother’s”

(nada’s) behavior used to be that “she did the best

she could”.

Years later, I began to entertain the idea that she

HADN’T done the “best she could” (or my FOO, either).

This thought opened the possibility that I was

intentionally or deliberately abused by her. Then, I

had to figure out whether, if that was NOT true,

whether she was responsible for it.

My conclusion remains that my nada has NOT done the

best she knew how or could (my FOO, as well), that, at

some level, it hasn’t been deliberate or intentional,

but that she is responsible for it. How can I hold

someone responsible for behavior that I believe to be

at least somewhat non-deliberate and unintentional? I

tend to go to the concept used in insanity trials,

that of “whether the defendant knew the difference

between right and wrong”. I believe that my nada

knows that difference, and that for me to believe that

my nada did the best she could, would be denying my

experience. Therefore, I hold her responsible for her

behavior, as non-deliberate and unintentional as some

of it may have been.

This is a complex and difficult subject for me. I

don’t know all the answers, starting with myself. At

least, I have a concept that, for me, allows me some

sanity, clarity, and consciousness about it.

I welcome yours and others’ thoughts about the “best

she knows how” idea.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- brightbluewings wrote:

>

> >snip<

>

> First off, are you seeing a therapist regularly?

> mine has helped me

> enourmously. With her knowledge of BPD, she can show

> me how my

> mother's problems affected and still affect me, and

> reassure me that

> what i'm going through is normal, and that i'm on

> the right track with

> my healing.

>

> Secondly, I strongly recommend some kind of yoga or

> meditation

> practice. There's probably a group or class you can

> get in touch with

> where you live. Mindfulness practices are proven in

> many studies, as

> well as many peoples personal experience, to help

> one cut through

> negative " mental messages. " It's almost like, the

> therapy lays the

> groundwork, and the mindfulness practice puts it

> into action.

>

> And finally, my thoughts about your post and your

> mom's email. I dont

> know if you see it the same way, but to me this

> letter is full of

> accusation and emotional manipulation. The word

> " always " over and

> over, for example, is a very BPD thing, seeing

> people and actions in

> black and white, good and bad, all or nothing. The

> part about " hoping

> your daughter is as awful as you, " is hardly a

> mature statement. And

> just look at the last two sentences: first, " you

> can't understand

> anything; " next, " I love you with all my heart. "

> This is, as i have

> come to learn, classic BPD--extremes of opinion,

> right next to each

> other in the same breath.

>

> If this seems a bit harsh of me, please understand:

> I'm not saying

> this to put you mom down. I actually believe that

> (like mine) she is

> literally doing the best she knows how. If she knew

> how to be more

> supportive of you, I'm sure she would be. I just

> hope that you can

> see the BPD in her statements, and see her hurtful

> words as just a

> symptom, a part of her problem--instead of seeing

> them as hurtful

> words from someone who also says she loves you very

> much.

>

> A big part of my own recovery has been to look at

> all the hurtful,

> painful things that my mother has done and said over

> the years, and to

> identify and label all the things that are BPD

> related. Not all are,

> of course, but all of the worst things are classic

> BPD symptoms. This

> labelling allows me to step back and not take it all

> so personally. It

> lets me realize that those hurtful words about me

> are symptoms, not

> the truth.

>

> Then, when I hear my own voice in my head, repeating

> those same

> hurtful things, I can remind myself that again, this

> is normal.

> Anyone who grew up like I did would be hearing these

> inner messages of

> unworthiness. Just because they're repeating in my

> head, does not

> mean they are true.

>

> Good luck and Blessings!

>

>

>

>

__________________________________

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http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

I don't have time to really answer your post right now, but i would

love to in the future.

For now i'll just say, I do not see the idea that everyone is doing

their best as having anything to do with not taking responsibility. I

guess you have heard people say " I was doing my best! " as a protest or

an excuse, a way of getting *out* of taking responsibility for

whatever they have done (or neglected to do).

That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own

mother was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way

excuse or condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still

make my own choices about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her.

Unfortunately, as I said, I was just scanning the list quickly tonight

and don't have time to say more at the moment. Be well.

[Guest guest]

>

> My sense of this is that, when I've thought that my

> nada " did the best she could " , it comes from

> self-denial. Basically, I didn't want to believe that

> my nada did what she did. I felt too afraid and

> threatened emotionally, mentally, spiritually and

> physically. For me, the last defense of my " mother's "

> (nada's) behavior used to be that " she did the best

> she could " .

*****I feel the same way. I also think this is why my father and my

sister do not want to 'go there' regarding the way nada treated all

of us. As my therapist explains, if they accepted that what she did

was horrible, they would have to do something about it, or accept

their complicity in the matter. Neither action is an option my

dishrag dad and sister have the courage to take.

>

> Years later, I began to entertain the idea that she

> HADN'T done the " best she could " (or my FOO, either).

> This thought opened the possibility that I was

> intentionally or deliberately abused by her. Then, I

> had to figure out whether, if that was NOT true,

> whether she was responsible for it.

>

> My conclusion remains that my nada has NOT done the

> best she knew how or could (my FOO, as well), that, at

> some level, it hasn't been deliberate or intentional,

> but that she is responsible for it. How can I hold

> someone responsible for behavior that I believe to be

> at least somewhat non-deliberate and unintentional? I

> tend to go to the concept used in insanity trials,

> that of " whether the defendant knew the difference

> between right and wrong " . I believe that my nada

> knows that difference, and that for me to believe that

> my nada did the best she could, would be denying my

> experience. Therefore, I hold her responsible for her

> behavior, as non-deliberate and unintentional as some

> of it may have been.

>

> This is a complex and difficult subject for me. I

> don't know all the answers, starting with myself. At

> least, I have a concept that, for me, allows me some

> sanity, clarity, and consciousness about it.

>

> I welcome yours and others' thoughts about the " best

> she knows how " idea.

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

******You explained this very well. One thing that is typical of

many nadas is their ability to be so 'normal' with non-family

members. Surely even they recognize the difference in their behavior

at these times? Perhaps is is their never-ending rationalization as

to the reasons for their behavior that enables them to not even

recognize that this is proof that they can choose to act differently

with their family as well.

>

>

Take care,

Sylvia