RE: Re: The best she knew how

[Guest guest]

Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are so

right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but talk

about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so much energy

on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go because I am

filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of her until I am free

of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to hurt her in the worst

way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves pain and suffering for all

that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at myself for taking this long to wake

up and get out of the fog. There is evil in her. Today, I hope for her last days

to be long and painful. I keep thinking that she deserves a mouth disease that

prevents her form talking and a hand disease that prevents her from writing. I

deserve justice and the only justice I see right now is for her to finish her

life in the shame and pain that she deserves.

I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel today

and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily inspiration

books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and rage and somehow it

feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my life, a best seller that

exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel today makes me feel stronger

than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone identify?

Scooter

Fincham wrote:

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Sue:

I can relate.

_____

From: ModOasis [mailto:ModOasis ] On Behalf

Of Scooter Sue

Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:53 AM

To: ModOasis

Subject: Re: Re: The best she knew how

Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are

so right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but

talk about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so

much energy on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go

because I am filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of

her until I am free of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to

hurt her in the worst way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves

pain and suffering for all that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at

myself for taking this long to wake up and get out of the fog. There is evil

in her. Today, I hope for her last days to be long and painful. I keep

thinking that she deserves a mouth disease that prevents her form talking

and a hand disease that prevents her from writing. I deserve justice and the

only justice I see right now is for her to finish her life in the shame and

pain that she deserves.

I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel

today and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily

inspiration books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and

rage and somehow it feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my

life, a best seller that exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel

today makes me feel stronger than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone

identify?

Scooter

Fincham wrote:

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Scooter,

After all that my nada has put me, and ultimately, my husband and child

through, I completely understand. I have felt rage recently the likes of which I

have never experienced. I pride myself of being tolerant and even-tempered.

Lately, I am neither when it comes to her. There are days where I experience a

level of consciousness that allows me to discover that so many things in my past

were NOT my fault, and really not a rational reality. Nada would have had me

believe that my bio father hated my brother and I. Within the last three weeks,

I have discovered that simply isn't the case. I know now why he chose to stay

away after the divorce and custody battle. I also understand why he chose n/c

with us. It wasn't because he didn't love us. It was because of the pain that

nada inflicted on him. I am not letting him off the hook for my feelings of

abandonment...he is definately responsible for leaving my brother and I with a

mentally ill woman to raise us, and never being there when

things were going to hell in a handbasket. But I know that so many things she

told us about him as we were growing up were untrue. She has attempted to

destroy my career(when I had one), self-esteem, both of my marriages, my family,

and my happiness. I realize that many things she has done, consciously or

sub-consciously, were to make me dependent upon her for my self-worth and

happiness. I find myself slipping into behaviors that I learned from her, and I

have to keep myself from falling. I learned to push people away when I needed

help the most, but still feel isolated and confused. I feel incredible rage and

fury now when I think of her, as well as regret for allowing her to change me in

so many ways, and damage me. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I can certainly

unlearn these things. I feel sometimes that the anger I have can be channeled

into a strong resolve to change my reality and make my life a better one. I can

use the rage to my advantage, and it feels good. At least

with the anger, I don't feel as guilty as I have in the past for trying to

release myself from this hold she has on me. Perhaps anger and fury and scorn

and rage are not healthy things to dwell upon. But if I can change them or use

them in a positive way, I feel no need to toss those feelings away. After so

many years of having to hide feelings or having my feelings minimized by nada in

comparison to her own, I feel that it is time. Time for me to feel. Time for me

to be angry. Time for me to let my rage and frustration surface. And it is time

for me to deal with the things that have been hidden for so long, forever shoved

down by feelings of guilt and denial.

I am sure others probably feel the same way, or in a similar manner. In

time, I can work past these feelings. But for right now, I think the best thing

for me to do is let them surface and deal with them.

Scooter Sue wrote:

Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are so

right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but talk

about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so much energy

on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go because I am

filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of her until I am free

of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to hurt her in the worst

way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves pain and suffering for all

that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at myself for taking this long to wake

up and get out of the fog. There is evil in her. Today, I hope for her last days

to be long and painful. I keep thinking that she deserves a mouth disease that

prevents her form talking and a hand disease that prevents her from writing. I

deserve justice and the only justice I see right now is for her to finish her

life in the shame and pain that she deserves.

I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel today

and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily inspiration

books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and rage and somehow it

feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my life, a best seller that

exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel today makes me feel stronger

than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone identify?

Scooter

Fincham wrote:

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

I don't know what triggered this rage that I woke up with, but it feels good!

I feel strong. I haven't been myself for several months now because I have been

in such bewilderment. Today the light came on and I know I am entitled to this

anger. I am entitled to this rage. I think I've been trying to skip this step

because anger is a negative emotion. I know I can't stay stuck here but I think

I have to feel this for awhile. It's not like the anger I used to live with

where I didn't understand it and misdirected it. This is different. This is hate

and rage directed where it properly belongs.

I have so much motivation today. I'm storming around this house cleaning,

throwing things away, talking to myself, swearing, name calling. (I am home

alone so know one is getting hurt.) Nada is a sick sick woman. The most self

righteous, self absorbed, insensitive, blameless, tantrum throwing, cruel human

being I have ever known, all under the disguise of a sweet helpless victim.

Like you, nada convinced me and any one that would listen that my father was

the one who was sick and all of the family problems were because of him. I too

have learned that this was her projection of her own self. He may have had his

problems but he was not mentally ill. He was strait forward, direct, did not

play games and she was lucky he stayed with her. He remained loyal to her until

the end and never talked against her behind her back. Although, he called her on

her own behavior all the time and that's why she hated him. I have found it

very hard to trust others, I am very suspicious of " tears " since they are such

an act with nada. I have very few close friends because I have learned to keep

people at a distance. I can feel my own wall when it comes to being

affectionate. My emotional life has been a failure. To some, that might be

evidence of bad upbringing. To nada it is proof of my mental illness. So, not

only do I get to struggle to find mental health because of her sick

mental, emotional and physical abuse, I also get to be the living proof that it

is I who is mentally ill. Just look at my life. I obviously have problems. She

on the other hand never had a failed marriage and she has many more friends than

I do.

I am entitled to this rage. It's the most healthy, honest emotion I have

felt in a long time. I hope it lasts all day!

Scooter

wrote:

Scooter,

After all that my nada has put me, and ultimately, my husband and child

through, I completely understand. I have felt rage recently the likes of which I

have never experienced. I pride myself of being tolerant and even-tempered.

Lately, I am neither when it comes to her. There are days where I experience a

level of consciousness that allows me to discover that so many things in my past

were NOT my fault, and really not a rational reality. Nada would have had me

believe that my bio father hated my brother and I. Within the last three weeks,

I have discovered that simply isn't the case. I know now why he chose to stay

away after the divorce and custody battle. I also understand why he chose n/c

with us. It wasn't because he didn't love us. It was because of the pain that

nada inflicted on him. I am not letting him off the hook for my feelings of

abandonment...he is definately responsible for leaving my brother and I with a

mentally ill woman to raise us, and never being there when

things were going to hell in a handbasket. But I know that so many things she

told us about him as we were growing up were untrue. She has attempted to

destroy my career(when I had one), self-esteem, both of my marriages, my family,

and my happiness. I realize that many things she has done, consciously or

sub-consciously, were to make me dependent upon her for my self-worth and

happiness. I find myself slipping into behaviors that I learned from her, and I

have to keep myself from falling. I learned to push people away when I needed

help the most, but still feel isolated and confused. I feel incredible rage and

fury now when I think of her, as well as regret for allowing her to change me in

so many ways, and damage me. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I can certainly

unlearn these things. I feel sometimes that the anger I have can be channeled

into a strong resolve to change my reality and make my life a better one. I can

use the rage to my advantage, and it feels good. At least

with the anger, I don't feel as guilty as I have in the past for trying to

release myself from this hold she has on me. Perhaps anger and fury and scorn

and rage are not healthy things to dwell upon. But if I can change them or use

them in a positive way, I feel no need to toss those feelings away. After so

many years of having to hide feelings or having my feelings minimized by nada in

comparison to her own, I feel that it is time. Time for me to feel. Time for me

to be angry. Time for me to let my rage and frustration surface. And it is time

for me to deal with the things that have been hidden for so long, forever shoved

down by feelings of guilt and denial.

I am sure others probably feel the same way, or in a similar manner. In

time, I can work past these feelings. But for right now, I think the best thing

for me to do is let them surface and deal with them.

Scooter Sue wrote:

Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are so

right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but talk

about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so much energy

on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go because I am

filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of her until I am free

of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to hurt her in the worst

way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves pain and suffering for all

that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at myself for taking this long to wake

up and get out of the fog. There is evil in her. Today, I hope for her last days

to be long and painful. I keep thinking that she deserves a mouth disease that

prevents her form talking and a hand disease that prevents her from writing. I

deserve justice and the only justice I see right now is for her to finish her

life in the shame and pain that she deserves.

I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel today

and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily inspiration

books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and rage and somehow it

feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my life, a best seller that

exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel today makes me feel stronger

than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone identify?

Scooter

Fincham wrote:

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

[Guest guest]

I hear 'ya, Scooter! I've been there...and I still go there occasionally.

For me, a steady diet of anger isn't a good thing - but occasional bouts of

anger & resentment for a few days help me to maintain NC.

Re. the energy you've wasted on nada. Another way to think about that could

be to give yourself a big pat on the back for choosing to become a patient,

compassionate, caring adult, despite the lousy role model provided by your

BP parent.

So as far as I'm concerned, go ahead & express exactly what you're feeling.

You won't be saying anything that I haven't said or thought myself.

F :-)

>

> Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are

so right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but

talk about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so

much energy on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go

because I am filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of

her until I am free of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to

hurt her in the worst way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves

pain and suffering for all that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at

myself for taking this long to wake up and get out of the fog. There is evil

in her. Today, I hope for her last days to be long and painful. I keep

thinking that she deserves a mouth disease that prevents her form talking

and a hand disease that prevents her from writing. I deserve justice and the

only justice I see right now is for her to finish her life in the shame and

pain that she deserves.

> I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel

today and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily

inspiration books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and

rage and somehow it feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my

life, a best seller that exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel

today makes me feel stronger than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone

identify?

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Scooter,

I know how you feel. I went thru this during therapy. I went ot the T's

office and she let me experience my " inner scream " (rage). I screamed into

pillows. The rage spewed out of me, like venom spewing out of nada's mouth. I

bought blow-up baseball bat toys to smash at home, I allowed myself to scream

into pillows and beat up pillows and to throw them against the wall.

At the time, I had 33 years of abuse - physical, verbal and emotional -

welling up inside of me. And it was time to let it all out.

It took some time (I don't remember how long) for the inner scream to

subside. But, I eventually got it all out. And it was exhausting. Sometimes

my throat was so sore, that it hurt to speak.

I found that my rage and anger were so healthy at the time. I needed to

experience these emotions to move on to the next level of healing, where I

have been for the past 17 years (SIGH).

I've found, as a KO denied emotional expression, that finally owning my

emotions and expressing them (without harm to others), was cathartic and

necessary for my recovery. For me, it is part of " finally owning my soul. "

Big Hugs,

Lula

Scooter Sue wrote:

I don't know what triggered this rage that I woke up with, but it feels good!

I feel strong. I haven't been myself for several months now because I have been

in such bewilderment. Today the light came on and I know I am entitled to this

anger. I am entitled to this rage. I think I've been trying to skip this step

because anger is a negative emotion. I know I can't stay stuck here but I think

I have to feel this for awhile. It's not like the anger I used to live with

where I didn't understand it and misdirected it. This is different. This is

hate and rage directed where it properly belongs.

I have so much motivation today. I'm storming around this house cleaning,

throwing things away, talking to myself, swearing, name calling. (I am home

alone so know one is getting hurt.) Nada is a sick sick woman. The most self

righteous, self absorbed, insensitive, blameless, tantrum throwing, cruel human

being I have ever known, all under the disguise of a sweet helpless victim.

Like you, nada convinced me and any one that would listen that my father

was the one who was sick and all of the family problems were because of him. I

too have learned that this was her projection of her own self. He may have had

his problems but he was not mentally ill. He was strait forward, direct, did

not play games and she was lucky he stayed with her. He remained loyal to her

until the end and never talked against her behind her back. Although, he called

her on her own behavior all the time and that's why she hated him. I have

found it very hard to trust others, I am very suspicious of " tears " since they

are such an act with nada. I have very few close friends because I have learned

to keep people at a distance. I can feel my own wall when it comes to being

affectionate. My emotional life has been a failure. To some, that might be

evidence of bad upbringing. To nada it is proof of my mental illness. So, not

only do I get to struggle to find mental health

because of her sick

mental, emotional and physical abuse, I also get to be the living proof that

it is I who is mentally ill. Just look at my life. I obviously have problems.

She on the other hand never had a failed marriage and she has many more friends

than I do.

I am entitled to this rage. It's the most healthy, honest emotion I have

felt in a long time. I hope it lasts all day!

Scooter

wrote:

Scooter,

After all that my nada has put me, and ultimately, my husband and child

through, I completely understand. I have felt rage recently the likes of which

I have never experienced. I pride myself of being tolerant and even-tempered.

Lately, I am neither when it comes to her. There are days where I experience a

level of consciousness that allows me to discover that so many things in my

past were NOT my fault, and really not a rational reality. Nada would have had

me believe that my bio father hated my brother and I. Within the last three

weeks, I have discovered that simply isn't the case. I know now why he chose to

stay away after the divorce and custody battle. I also understand why he chose

n/c with us. It wasn't because he didn't love us. It was because of the pain

that nada inflicted on him. I am not letting him off the hook for my feelings

of abandonment...he is definately responsible for leaving my brother and I with

a mentally ill woman to raise us, and never

being there when

things were going to hell in a handbasket. But I know that so many things she

told us about him as we were growing up were untrue. She has attempted to

destroy my career(when I had one), self-esteem, both of my marriages, my

family, and my happiness. I realize that many things she has done, consciously

or sub-consciously, were to make me dependent upon her for my self-worth and

happiness. I find myself slipping into behaviors that I learned from her, and I

have to keep myself from falling. I learned to push people away when I needed

help the most, but still feel isolated and confused. I feel incredible rage and

fury now when I think of her, as well as regret for allowing her to change me

in so many ways, and damage me. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I can

certainly unlearn these things. I feel sometimes that the anger I have can be

channeled into a strong resolve to change my reality and make my life a better

one. I can use the rage to my advantage, and it feels

good. At least

with the anger, I don't feel as guilty as I have in the past for trying to

release myself from this hold she has on me. Perhaps anger and fury and scorn

and rage are not healthy things to dwell upon. But if I can change them or use

them in a positive way, I feel no need to toss those feelings away. After so

many years of having to hide feelings or having my feelings minimized by nada

in comparison to her own, I feel that it is time. Time for me to feel. Time for

me to be angry. Time for me to let my rage and frustration surface. And it is

time for me to deal with the things that have been hidden for so long, forever

shoved down by feelings of guilt and denial.

I am sure others probably feel the same way, or in a similar manner. In

time, I can work past these feelings. But for right now, I think the best thing

for me to do is let them surface and deal with them.

Scooter Sue wrote:

Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are so

right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but talk

about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so much energy

on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go because I am

filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of her until I am

free of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to hurt her in the

worst way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves pain and suffering

for all that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at myself for taking this long

to wake up and get out of the fog. There is evil in her. Today, I hope for her

last days to be long and painful. I keep thinking that she deserves a mouth

disease that prevents her form talking and a hand disease that prevents her

from writing. I deserve justice and the only justice I see right now is for her

to finish her life in the shame and pain that she

deserves.

I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel

today and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily

inspiration books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and rage

and somehow it feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my life, a

best seller that exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel today makes

me feel stronger than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone identify?

Scooter

Fincham wrote:

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

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[Guest guest]

Lula,

Thank you. I think the rage I'm feeling so good about keeps my head strait and

keeps the guilt away. I need to see clearly now and staying focused on the

injustices is the only way I can stay clear headed right now. I too went through

this some 25 years ago in therapy but have always seemed to forget or minimize

what I learned. I wasn't ready for no contact. My parents moved 500 miles away

and I could handle nada with that distance. They moved back to my area 6 years

ago because my dad knew he was going to die soon. When he did die, I fell

completely back into the care taking, good daughter role. My grief over my dad

made me want to do what he would have wanted me to do, take care of nada. So I

did. At first I was the wonderful attentive daughter and even received letters

of praise from nada's BP sisters. As time went on, nada needed a target to blame

her miseries on. I went from wonderful to evil. She began to resent me, mistrust

me and started her talk to the family behind my

back. The periods of n/c became longer and longer until now, I'm determined

there will never be a reconciliation again.Never! I don't want to forget or

minimize the insanity of nada ever again. I feel that I have had to go back to

where I was 25 years ago and start all over.

If rage is step one, then I am at step one. I could kick myself for willingly

getting enmeshed in her sickness again and allowing myself to be abused again. I

took many steps backwards since my dad died. Now I'm out and just have to stay

focused on myself and my own needs. The rage is keeping me strong and focused.

Scooter

planetlula wrote:

Hi Scooter,

I know how you feel. I went thru this during therapy. I went ot the T's

office and she let me experience my " inner scream " (rage). I screamed into

pillows. The rage spewed out of me, like venom spewing out of nada's mouth. I

bought blow-up baseball bat toys to smash at home, I allowed myself to scream

into pillows and beat up pillows and to throw them against the wall.

At the time, I had 33 years of abuse - physical, verbal and emotional -

welling up inside of me. And it was time to let it all out.

It took some time (I don't remember how long) for the inner scream to

subside. But, I eventually got it all out. And it was exhausting. Sometimes

my throat was so sore, that it hurt to speak.

I found that my rage and anger were so healthy at the time. I needed to

experience these emotions to move on to the next level of healing, where I

have been for the past 17 years (SIGH).

I've found, as a KO denied emotional expression, that finally owning my

emotions and expressing them (without harm to others), was cathartic and

necessary for my recovery. For me, it is part of " finally owning my soul. "

Big Hugs,

Lula

Scooter Sue wrote:

I don't know what triggered this rage that I woke up with, but it feels good!

I feel strong. I haven't been myself for several months now because I have been

in such bewilderment. Today the light came on and I know I am entitled to this

anger. I am entitled to this rage. I think I've been trying to skip this step

because anger is a negative emotion. I know I can't stay stuck here but I think

I have to feel this for awhile. It's not like the anger I used to live with

where I didn't understand it and misdirected it. This is different. This is

hate and rage directed where it properly belongs.

I have so much motivation today. I'm storming around this house cleaning,

throwing things away, talking to myself, swearing, name calling. (I am home

alone so know one is getting hurt.) Nada is a sick sick woman. The most self

righteous, self absorbed, insensitive, blameless, tantrum throwing, cruel human

being I have ever known, all under the disguise of a sweet helpless victim.

Like you, nada convinced me and any one that would listen that my father

was the one who was sick and all of the family problems were because of him. I

too have learned that this was her projection of her own self. He may have had

his problems but he was not mentally ill. He was strait forward, direct, did

not play games and she was lucky he stayed with her. He remained loyal to her

until the end and never talked against her behind her back. Although, he called

her on her own behavior all the time and that's why she hated him. I have

found it very hard to trust others, I am very suspicious of " tears " since they

are such an act with nada. I have very few close friends because I have learned

to keep people at a distance. I can feel my own wall when it comes to being

affectionate. My emotional life has been a failure. To some, that might be

evidence of bad upbringing. To nada it is proof of my mental illness. So, not

only do I get to struggle to find mental health

because of her sick

mental, emotional and physical abuse, I also get to be the living proof that

it is I who is mentally ill. Just look at my life. I obviously have problems.

She on the other hand never had a failed marriage and she has many more friends

than I do.

I am entitled to this rage. It's the most healthy, honest emotion I have

felt in a long time. I hope it lasts all day!

Scooter

wrote:

Scooter,

After all that my nada has put me, and ultimately, my husband and child

through, I completely understand. I have felt rage recently the likes of which

I have never experienced. I pride myself of being tolerant and even-tempered.

Lately, I am neither when it comes to her. There are days where I experience a

level of consciousness that allows me to discover that so many things in my

past were NOT my fault, and really not a rational reality. Nada would have had

me believe that my bio father hated my brother and I. Within the last three

weeks, I have discovered that simply isn't the case. I know now why he chose to

stay away after the divorce and custody battle. I also understand why he chose

n/c with us. It wasn't because he didn't love us. It was because of the pain

that nada inflicted on him. I am not letting him off the hook for my feelings

of abandonment...he is definately responsible for leaving my brother and I with

a mentally ill woman to raise us, and never

being there when

things were going to hell in a handbasket. But I know that so many things she

told us about him as we were growing up were untrue. She has attempted to

destroy my career(when I had one), self-esteem, both of my marriages, my

family, and my happiness. I realize that many things she has done, consciously

or sub-consciously, were to make me dependent upon her for my self-worth and

happiness. I find myself slipping into behaviors that I learned from her, and I

have to keep myself from falling. I learned to push people away when I needed

help the most, but still feel isolated and confused. I feel incredible rage and

fury now when I think of her, as well as regret for allowing her to change me

in so many ways, and damage me. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I can

certainly unlearn these things. I feel sometimes that the anger I have can be

channeled into a strong resolve to change my reality and make my life a better

one. I can use the rage to my advantage, and it feels

good. At least

with the anger, I don't feel as guilty as I have in the past for trying to

release myself from this hold she has on me. Perhaps anger and fury and scorn

and rage are not healthy things to dwell upon. But if I can change them or use

them in a positive way, I feel no need to toss those feelings away. After so

many years of having to hide feelings or having my feelings minimized by nada

in comparison to her own, I feel that it is time. Time for me to feel. Time for

me to be angry. Time for me to let my rage and frustration surface. And it is

time for me to deal with the things that have been hidden for so long, forever

shoved down by feelings of guilt and denial.

I am sure others probably feel the same way, or in a similar manner. In

time, I can work past these feelings. But for right now, I think the best thing

for me to do is let them surface and deal with them.

Scooter Sue wrote:

Today I'm feeling more anger than any guilt or pity for my nada. You are so

right. My nada knows how to keep her mouth shut when it serves her but talk

about my life runs free as diarrhea. I can't believe I've wasted so much energy

on feeling sorry for her. I know that I have a long way to go because I am

filled with rage for her. I know I'm not going to be free of her until I am

free of this rage. Today, I want to seek revenge. I want to hurt her in the

worst way. I want to expose her to everyone! She deserves pain and suffering

for all that she has inflicted on me. I am angry at myself for taking this long

to wake up and get out of the fog. There is evil in her. Today, I hope for her

last days to be long and painful. I keep thinking that she deserves a mouth

disease that prevents her form talking and a hand disease that prevents her

from writing. I deserve justice and the only justice I see right now is for her

to finish her life in the shame and pain that she

deserves.

I know that this hate I feel is not healthy for me, but it is how I feel

today and I hope this group can understand. I don't want to read my daily

inspiration books, I don't want to forgive. I want to feel this hate and rage

and somehow it feels good. I have visions of writing a novel about my life, a

best seller that exposes her to the world. Somehow this hate I feel today makes

me feel stronger than I have felt in a long time. Does anyone identify?

Scooter

Fincham wrote:

" That is not how I use that phrase, however. I believe that my own mother

was and is doing the best she can, but that does not in any way excuse or

condone certain aspects of her behavior, and I can still make my own choices

about whether, and how, i wish to engage with her. "

I don't think my nada is doing the best she can. For example, nada has

proven that she's perfectly capable of keeping her mouth shut about things

which happened during my childhood which are embarassing for nada...but when

it comes to keeping her mouth shut about things which happened during my

childhood which (I have told her again & again) are embarassing for me, nada

whines " but I caaaaan't, it's too haaaard " .

I see that as a deliberate & informed choice on nada's part. She knows what

is best for me, for our relationship and for our family - and she knows how

to do it - but she chooses to continue to do what is best for her...which is

why I don't feel guilty about choosing NC.

F :-)

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

" The best she knows how " is something that Headjob Nada blurted at me once.

I told her that not even her best was good enough, and then there was the

times (most of the time) when she was doing her worst.

One of the character defects of BPD is that they know how much cruelty they

can inflict, under any circumstance, and get away with it. I guess we all

do, but the defect in BPs is that they execute their perverted plans without

conscience and without any concept of the negative effects on other people.

SCott

Re: The best she knew how

>

> My sense of this is that, when I've thought that my

> nada " did the best she could " , it comes from

> self-denial. Basically, I didn't want to believe that

> my nada did what she did. I felt too afraid and

> threatened emotionally, mentally, spiritually and

> physically. For me, the last defense of my " mother's "

> (nada's) behavior used to be that " she did the best

> she could " .

*****I feel the same way. I also think this is why my father and my

sister do not want to 'go there' regarding the way nada treated all

of us. As my therapist explains, if they accepted that what she did

was horrible, they would have to do something about it, or accept

their complicity in the matter. Neither action is an option my

dishrag dad and sister have the courage to take.

>

> Years later, I began to entertain the idea that she

> HADN'T done the " best she could " (or my FOO, either).

> This thought opened the possibility that I was

> intentionally or deliberately abused by her. Then, I

> had to figure out whether, if that was NOT true,

> whether she was responsible for it.

>

> My conclusion remains that my nada has NOT done the

> best she knew how or could (my FOO, as well), that, at

> some level, it hasn't been deliberate or intentional,

> but that she is responsible for it. How can I hold

> someone responsible for behavior that I believe to be

> at least somewhat non-deliberate and unintentional? I

> tend to go to the concept used in insanity trials,

> that of " whether the defendant knew the difference

> between right and wrong " . I believe that my nada

> knows that difference, and that for me to believe that

> my nada did the best she could, would be denying my

> experience. Therefore, I hold her responsible for her

> behavior, as non-deliberate and unintentional as some

> of it may have been.

>

> This is a complex and difficult subject for me. I

> don't know all the answers, starting with myself. At

> least, I have a concept that, for me, allows me some

> sanity, clarity, and consciousness about it.

>

> I welcome yours and others' thoughts about the " best

> she knows how " idea.

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

******You explained this very well. One thing that is typical of

many nadas is their ability to be so 'normal' with non-family

members. Surely even they recognize the difference in their behavior

at these times? Perhaps is is their never-ending rationalization as

to the reasons for their behavior that enables them to not even

recognize that this is proof that they can choose to act differently

with their family as well.

>

>

Take care,

Sylvia

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com