[wto1] controlled by money 2

[Guest guest]

g:

They do view me as incapable. What is so absurd is

that I do the front and back yard a was only behind on

the alley!

I have emailed my mom asking for 24 hours notice for

me to take care of problems before they come over.

She emailed back snotty dismissive sentences three

times and hasn't emailed back for two days. I guess

they think it'll blow over and things will go back to

normal after I 'pout'. But they have blown it this

time.

Holly

*******************

Re: controlled by money 2

Posted by: " genevieveheller " genevieveheller@...

genevieveheller

Sat Aug 4, 2007 4:08 pm (PST)

I feel for you Holly. It really is peculiar how much

BPs thrive on dependence! They have such clever ways

of placing you there.

From your description, it felt like they didn't even

take the time to consider you could handle the yard.

Like you said; it felt like you weren't even there.

That is really unnecessary, and I'm glad you

realize what a violation it is for your parents to

view you as someone who is incapable.

g.

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[Guest guest]

good for you. my nada violates little boundaries like this all the

time. from the outside it might seem like they're helping you out,

but we both know it's just a violation of your boundaries and

prevents you from really being the adult you truly are.

my nada picked up some of my mail from my old apartment and let me

know about some nice letters i had received.

'do you want me to open them for you?'

some people might think, sure. i know what the letters are. it

would save me time if you just opened them now and told me what was

in them. but i knew inside, it was just another example of her

violating my boundaries and literally living my life for me.

another thing i picked up on when eating at restaurants with my nada

is she would ask what i wanted and then she would debate about

another dish she was considering and then come back to my dish and

say, 'yes, this dish is best for us, don't you think?'

i was totally stunned by her use of us. i asked her if she planned

on getting the same dish. 'no, i'm getting the other one.'

'then why do you keep saying us?'

she didn't have a good answer and got defensive. it's so crazy how

they want to control your life and have no ability to respect simple

boundaries like letting you decide for your own meals and letting you

handle your own housework.

they think this is helpful and supportive but in reality it just

perpetuates enmeshment.

anyone else relate?

hang in there!

g.

>

> g:

> They do view me as incapable. What is so absurd is

> that I do the front and back yard a was only behind on

> the alley!

>

> I have emailed my mom asking for 24 hours notice for

> me to take care of problems before they come over.

> She emailed back snotty dismissive sentences three

> times and hasn't emailed back for two days. I guess

> they think it'll blow over and things will go back to

> normal after I 'pout'. But they have blown it this

> time.

> Holly

>

>

> *******************

> Re: controlled by money 2

> Posted by: " genevieveheller " genevieveheller@...

> genevieveheller

> Sat Aug 4, 2007 4:08 pm (PST)

> I feel for you Holly. It really is peculiar how much

> BPs thrive on dependence! They have such clever ways

> of placing you there.

>

> From your description, it felt like they didn't even

> take the time to consider you could handle the yard.

> Like you said; it felt like you weren't even there.

> That is really unnecessary, and I'm glad you

> realize what a violation it is for your parents to

> view you as someone who is incapable.

> g.

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

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> Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel

today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7

>

[Guest guest]

This is a memory that, although I know it shows my nada's continual

invasion of my privacy, I still find amusing.

You know how sometimes nada isn't mad and you can joke about something?

When I was a teenager, and someone would send me a postcard, she would

get the mail and hand it to me and I'd say, " You didn't read it, did you? "

We would laugh because it was such an absurd question.

> >

> > g:

> > They do view me as incapable. What is so absurd is

> > that I do the front and back yard a was only behind on

> > the alley!

> >

> > I have emailed my mom asking for 24 hours notice for

> > me to take care of problems before they come over.

> > She emailed back snotty dismissive sentences three

> > times and hasn't emailed back for two days. I guess

> > they think it'll blow over and things will go back to

> > normal after I 'pout'. But they have blown it this

> > time.

> > Holly

> >

> >

> > *******************

> > Re: controlled by money 2

> > Posted by: " genevieveheller " genevieveheller@

> > genevieveheller

> > Sat Aug 4, 2007 4:08 pm (PST)

> > I feel for you Holly. It really is peculiar how much

> > BPs thrive on dependence! They have such clever ways

> > of placing you there.

> >

> > From your description, it felt like they didn't even

> > take the time to consider you could handle the yard.

> > Like you said; it felt like you weren't even there.

> > That is really unnecessary, and I'm glad you

> > realize what a violation it is for your parents to

> > view you as someone who is incapable.

> > g.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> ______________________________________________________________________

> ______________

> > Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel

> today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The phrase, " best for us " caught my eye. That's exactly how my mom

phrases every other sentence to me. And of course in doing so, they

take away your choice. Because, if it's not best for both of " us "

it won't do. But, " us " really means it's about her. Her making the

final choice for all of " us. "

When, as a teenager, we went school shopping, it was a night mare.

Because, everything " we " bought had to be what " she " chose. That's

the one time that she took me to counseling. Because I was " broken "

and couldn't shop right. The counselor told her that I was able to

choose for myself and that it was her fault. That didn't go over

very well with her. One day she became so mad that she threw out

most of my clothes. Gee, thanks mom. Now I'll just go naked.

> >

> > g:

> > They do view me as incapable. What is so absurd is

> > that I do the front and back yard a was only behind on

> > the alley!

> >

> > I have emailed my mom asking for 24 hours notice for

> > me to take care of problems before they come over.

> > She emailed back snotty dismissive sentences three

> > times and hasn't emailed back for two days. I guess

> > they think it'll blow over and things will go back to

> > normal after I 'pout'. But they have blown it this

> > time.

> > Holly

> >

> >

> > *******************

> > Re: controlled by money 2

> > Posted by: " genevieveheller " genevieveheller@

> > genevieveheller

> > Sat Aug 4, 2007 4:08 pm (PST)

> > I feel for you Holly. It really is peculiar how much

> > BPs thrive on dependence! They have such clever ways

> > of placing you there.

> >

> > From your description, it felt like they didn't even

> > take the time to consider you could handle the yard.

> > Like you said; it felt like you weren't even there.

> > That is really unnecessary, and I'm glad you

> > realize what a violation it is for your parents to

> > view you as someone who is incapable.

> > g.

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_

> ______________

> > Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel

> today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?

a=7

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think it is a coincidence that 90% of the posters on this site

are women, and most of us had nadas instead of fadas. Nada sees

herself in her daughter and wants her daughter to be just like her. I

know that once my brother left the house, he was largely left alone by

our mother.

It's so difficult to swallow my feelings for so long and allow myself

to get pulled in by this woman. This woman wanted nothing to do with

me when I was growing up. She liked me to be in the house as much as

possible, as I think it comforted her to know I was there, but she

didn't want to talk to or play with me. But now that I'm grown up,

she wants us to be best friends.

Four months NC and I sometimes tell myself that I can go back in and

find the strength to deal with her occasional freak-outs, and the

strength to set boundaries and say no although I know it will result

in crying and/or raging (sometimes she switches from crying to raging

in a millisecond).

But then I think, why should I have to steel myself for the next 30

years, just to give her what she wants? Even when she's NOT there,

just the thought that she will keep calling and filling my brain with

her fears (of Mexicans, of changing jobs, of doing anything risky, ad

nauseum), those thoughts keep me in my own kind of prison. This

prison is one where I worry about how she will take my life decisions.

It takes so much out of me.

> > >

> > > g:

> > > They do view me as incapable. What is so absurd is

> > > that I do the front and back yard a was only behind on

> > > the alley!

> > >

> > > I have emailed my mom asking for 24 hours notice for

> > > me to take care of problems before they come over.

> > > She emailed back snotty dismissive sentences three

> > > times and hasn't emailed back for two days. I guess

> > > they think it'll blow over and things will go back to

> > > normal after I 'pout'. But they have blown it this

> > > time.

> > > Holly

> > >

> > >

> > > *******************

> > > Re: controlled by money 2

> > > Posted by: " genevieveheller " genevieveheller@

> > > genevieveheller

> > > Sat Aug 4, 2007 4:08 pm (PST)

> > > I feel for you Holly. It really is peculiar how much

> > > BPs thrive on dependence! They have such clever ways

> > > of placing you there.

> > >

> > > From your description, it felt like they didn't even

> > > take the time to consider you could handle the yard.

> > > Like you said; it felt like you weren't even there.

> > > That is really unnecessary, and I'm glad you

> > > realize what a violation it is for your parents to

> > > view you as someone who is incapable.

> > > g.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> _____________________________________________________________________

> _

> > ______________

> > > Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel

> > today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?

> a=7

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

you're right. your story just illustrates how it is another

brainwashing technique (i hadn't thought of this before). if a

parent says they're doing something because it's best for you, if you

don't do what they want you have a sneaking suspicion you're not

doing what's even right for you.... but then again you wouldn't even

know what's right for you because you're just left with doing what

they want! it's so frustrating.

my mom threatened me with therapy as a child if i didn't do what she

wanted. i thought this was some kind of punishment, and i was really

scared. i thought it would be very shameful if i went to a therapist

as a child. this would mean i was 'crazy', and i didn't want to be

that... anything but that! looking back on it, it's a shame i didn't

go! ; ) maybe the therapist would have agreed with me like yours

did

hope you finally got a set of clothes your nada won't potentially

throw out ; )

g.

> > >

> > > g:

> > > They do view me as incapable. What is so absurd is

> > > that I do the front and back yard a was only behind on

> > > the alley!

> > >

> > > I have emailed my mom asking for 24 hours notice for

> > > me to take care of problems before they come over.

> > > She emailed back snotty dismissive sentences three

> > > times and hasn't emailed back for two days. I guess

> > > they think it'll blow over and things will go back to

> > > normal after I 'pout'. But they have blown it this

> > > time.

> > > Holly

> > >

> > >

> > > *******************

> > > Re: controlled by money 2

> > > Posted by: " genevieveheller " genevieveheller@

> > > genevieveheller

> > > Sat Aug 4, 2007 4:08 pm (PST)

> > > I feel for you Holly. It really is peculiar how much

> > > BPs thrive on dependence! They have such clever ways

> > > of placing you there.

> > >

> > > From your description, it felt like they didn't even

> > > take the time to consider you could handle the yard.

> > > Like you said; it felt like you weren't even there.

> > > That is really unnecessary, and I'm glad you

> > > realize what a violation it is for your parents to

> > > view you as someone who is incapable.

> > > g.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

> _

> > ______________

> > > Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research

Panel

> > today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?

> a=7

> > >

> >

>