[wto1] re controlled by money

[Guest guest]

Lynn-

Yes, I was feeling like a moron when I wrote the

message and I think they do want me to feel that way.

I am sorry to hear that she uses your children that

way. I figure my mom would be the same. I was never

able to have children, but now I see it would have

been a disaster for them.

My mom does feel like she needs to buy affection with

material things. I turn down many things that they

want to buy me because it is too expensive. I have

never gave them a reason to think I wouldn't love them

if they didn't spend any money on holidays, etc. But

she does put strings on things and does get

passive-aggressive.

My parents do look at me as a 'project' to control and

get over-involved with. I am an only child. They

'took care' of my grandmothers and other relatives in

the same manner, and were in charge of their wills,

etc. (another story). Then they have been babysitting

for two years and now those people are leaving town,

so she'll be without the kid. I think they could tell

she was a wackadoo.

I guess I am considered the 'loser' in my family too,

even though I'm an only child -- the black sheep, the

weird one for not wanting to be co-dependent.

Thank you for sharing--I appreciate it.

Holly

hchermack@...

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Re: [wto adult children 1] controlled by money?

Posted by: " lynntillie " lynntillie@...

Sat Aug 4, 2007 9:58 am (PST)

Hi Holly, thanks for bringing this topic up. Yes, I am

the poor one who is controlled financieally by my

Nada. You are not a moron & neither am I :-), although

I understand the feeling. In fact that's the

consistent message I've recieved from Nada's

" parenting " of me ( & my brother), is that I am

incapable of doing anything myself, taking

care of myself, she treats me like a moron, and it

infuriates me.

I have learned to set better boundaries with her,

especially in the last 2+ years, which was VERY

difficult and painful at first, bc her response to her

child's attempts at setting healthy boundaries was to

attack, withdraw, and blame. And, then she is very

vengeful, when I least expect it, and in such passive

aggressive manner, through my children usually, and

it's just so hurtful and sickening.

I've struggled with this since adolescence, but I was

in my 30's before someone pointed out to me the only

way Nada could feel loved was to be needed, and this

is why she was always buying things (love). It took me

much longer to realized there were strings attached,

and it was a way for her to control my life. I've

learned to only take what I need and decline the rest.

I have a long way to go though. I mean I have make

much progress, but will continue along this path and

try to make more. I get so mad when she buys my kids

things without my permission. The powerlessness I feel

eats me up.

We are living below poverty level (family of 5), and

she is now a widow with money (ie., power), and no

life of her own it would seem, and nothing better to

do than meddle and constantly offer material

things/money to my children. Not long ago it was me,

me, me, but now she more uses my kids to do this. I am

trying to learn to be financially independent and live

within my means, and to teach my children to be

responsible for themselves as well, and so her little

carrot dangling, is really frustrating, bc it just

belittles all I've tried so hard to do for myself and

my children. Of course, she would never in a million

years see it that way.

I am the problem, the scapegoat, the loser in my

family, especially right at the moment (I reject all

these labels but it is reality).

OK, sorry, I guess this triggered me a bit, but maybe

that's good. Lynn

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