A Deer in the Headlights

[Guest guest]

Hi Partners in Recovery,

One Non-BP Recovering Man here again. Thanks again to all of you, newcomers and

longtimers alike, for your sharing. A few of you have referred and replied to

my posts and I value and appreciate it.

I’d like to refer here to a few recent posts and ask a question.

One person asked what we do when that paralyzing feeling hits after a typically

cutting BPD remark. I used to also be “timid in standing up for myself and

setting boundaries” and, long ago, wished there was a way to make myself forget

almost my entire childhood (like Jim Carrey’s character in the “Eternal

Sunshine” movie). That person said they “meditate - focusing on the breath, and

walking in nature - way out in the woods.” I do those things, too, along with

praying (it can’t hurt) and reading (feeding my brain better messages and

information than was planted, modeled and encouraged to be there by my BPD nada

and the other FOO). First, however, I BREATHE. Slooooooo inhaling and

exhaling. A Zen-like thing. Last, saying to myself basically that I can’t

handle it (no one can). Some people call that turning it over or letting go.

It also helps to have a Plan B (with BPD’s, Plans C, D, E and more help, too!).

Someone said writing down what you want to say before picking up the phone or

visiting. Anything and everything I can use to maintain my clarity, serenity

and sanity, I may use in dealing with PD’s, especially BPD’s.

I believe that people of all demographic backgrounds, races, religions,

ethnicities, genders, orientations, etc. can be challenged by BPD’s. Whatever

the origins of the Non-BP’s value system, BPD’s will challenge it. My nada had

me so thoroughly brainwashed against myself that, for a long time as a child, I

thought I was evil. She never said it, interestingly enough. She sure implied

it, though, thousands of times. It took me many years and a massive effort to

overcome most of it. There’s still work to do. Wise guys may say, “Well, it

must not work if you’re still messed up by it, hee hee!” Nonsense. I’ve gotten

as far as I have in recovery because the above ideas and plenty more, work.

Where I’m at is a measure of how well I’ve worked and how well these ideas work,

not that I and they don’t work. That’s one of MY values.

Some of you have referred to “Sophie’s Choice”-type decisions your nadas forced

upon you. (That was the book and movie in which a character named Sophie was

forced to make a horrific and painful immediate choice under terrifying

conditions.) I had that and plenty more. Well before puberty, it became nearly

impossible for me to make ANY decision, because they ALL seemed dangerous for me

(and many were), except under one condition: when I was completely alone and

could make sure that no one knew what I was doing (like late at night when FOO

was asleep -- can you say, “sleep deprivation”?). Is it any wonder where my

impulse to isolate and go my own way came from? When I was forced to be in

anyone’s company, especially FOO, I unconsciously acquired that “deer in the

headlights” look. I didn’t know I had it until years later. I’d occasionally

see another person with that wide-eyed, terrified look and have a shocked

feeling of “OMG, that’s me!” I long ago changed that in myself.

Have any of you had the “deer in the headlights” look, or other stiff or

incongruous body language used to adapt to severe BPD behavior?

I welcome and look forward to your replies to these thoughts and ideas.

Take care and thanks again for your sharing,

One Non-BP Recovering Man

---------------------------------

Yahoo! for Good

Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.