Re: When non borderline children become parents

[Guest guest]

I'll tell you what my therapist told me: " It is NEVER OK to lose

your temper. There are other ways of teaching your children the

message that you're trying to convey. " Lose the trigger.

Acknowledge that it's a trigger and consciously ignore it in

yourself.

And, though it might relieve some internal tension in yourself to

blow up -- as adult children of ragers know, it's never worth it.

All the kid learns is that you can lose your temper.

You're there to teach your children, guide them in the right

direction. Whatever comes up in your household on any day is par

for the course -- as someone once told me as I was cleaning milk off

my treasured books: " This is all in the fine print on your mommy

contract -- didn't you read it? "

Her point being: when we signed up to be parents, we signed up to

teach our children, not rage at them in the infantile way our BPD

parents did. We signed up for things to get broken, spilled, and

outcomes in many areas won't be perfect. We signed up for a world

that's not perfectly ordered -- We'll make spectacles of ourselves

at times, suffer embarrasments, disappointments, etc. All normal

consequences of childhood and families. If you accept that, there's

really no need to react to rising tensions within yourself, which

feeds the anger that your BPD foo taught you. Re-teach yourself

that whatever happens is OK, and that it's self-indulgent and

immature to impose one's anger on the situation. Get through the

situation with as much dignity as you can muster, handle it in the

best way for your children's sakes, and move on.

Every morning, just relax and tell yourself that you'll handle

anything that comes up that day. Keep your eyes on the big picture

and what kinds of people you want to raise and release into the

world.

And I've found that, with practice, flares of temper are rare, and I

ALWAYS recognize them as having to do with ME, and not the

situation. For example: my parents used foul language my whole

childhood. Except for less than a handful of foul-ups, my children

NEVER hear my husband and I swear. That was a conscious decision

for our household and we stuck to it.

Anytime that I " lose " my temper is an EXTREMELY rare occurrence --

and it is nothing like when my nada regularly lost her temper. (or

constantly treated us to the silent treatment -- which I also refuse

to do to my kids.) Less than once a year. And the last time it

happened, I apologised and we moved on. Point being: If you have

clear goals on how you want to raise your family, you'll get better

at keeping yourself calm and parenting in a different way than your

BPD family.

What's the difference between the daily happenings of a well-

adjusted family versus a BPD family? Reactions. Like the saying

goes: Life is 10% what happens, and 90% how we react to it.

Unfortunately, as children of a BPD family, we have to learn

appropriate reactions, not the self-centered, self-indulgent ones

our parents taught us.

Just my 2 cents' worth, based on what worked for me. My therapist --

who has known me since before my kids were born -- has assured me

I'm not raising my children the same way I was raised. I'm doing a

better job. A HUGE relief.

>

> I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

now,

> I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

anyone

> else has had similar difficulties.

>

> My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo hard

not

> to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

cool. I

> do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

(always

> wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his behaviors

are

> a HUGE trigger for me.

>

> Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

>

> KW

>

[Guest guest]

If you can stand one more anecdote: Just a couple of days ago, my

kids (aged 10 and 11) and I were at the movies. We're waiting to go

in, and I've already decided we're not going to spend any money at

the concession stand. We don't need it, and I'm trying to reign in

my spending.

My daughter asks " Are we going to get something to drink? " and my

first, knee-jerk, tense reaction is to sigh and close my eyes as I

say " No.... "

She said to me " Mom, you could have just said 'No' -- you didn't

have to sigh and say 'No'. "

She was absolutely right and I told her so, with an apology. I

should have just told the kids in the car that we weren't going to

the concession stand when we got there. But I failed to prepare for

the situation, and was tense about it because I knew they'd ask.

But, I was very proud of my daughter for checking me like that. I

would have NEVER uttered words like that to my nada!!!!

-kyla

>

> I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

now,

> I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

anyone

> else has had similar difficulties.

>

> My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo hard

not

> to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

cool. I

> do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

(always

> wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his behaviors

are

> a HUGE trigger for me.

>

> Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

>

> KW

>

[Guest guest]

K, good for you for recognizing the behavior you grew up with is unacceptable!

I don't know much about ADD, except that it's extremely challenging and must be

very dificult to live with every day. My advice would be to arm yourself with

as much knowledge, resources and support as possible! There must be support

groups for parents of ADD kids online, or maybe in your area. There also must

be books with specialized coping tools.

I have a 9 year-old and agree with Kyla -- and with Dr. Phil, who says the only

time it's acceptable to raise your voice to someone is when you're saying " look

out for that bus! "

As KOs, we might've had the worst role models imaginable, and be more prone to

second-guessing our parenting skills -- but sometimes it's right to second-guess

yourself! In this case, I agree with you that this is a problem and can't

continue. And it's a wonderful, healing experience to give your kids the kind

of mothering you wish you had gotten but never did... like Kyla experienced at

the movie theater, it's great to know your kids trust you to be reasonable and

fair with them -- and also to take a little criticism in a healthy way!

Shana

Re: When non borderline children become parents

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> If you can stand one more anecdote: Just a couple of days ago,

> my

> kids (aged 10 and 11) and I were at the movies. We're waiting

> to go

> in, and I've already decided we're not going to spend any money

> at

> the concession stand. We don't need it, and I'm trying to reign

> in

> my spending.

>

> My daughter asks " Are we going to get something to drink? " and

> my

> first, knee-jerk, tense reaction is to sigh and close my eyes as

> I

> say " No.... "

>

> She said to me " Mom, you could have just said 'No' -- you didn't

> have to sigh and say 'No'. "

>

> She was absolutely right and I told her so, with an apology. I

> should have just told the kids in the car that we weren't going

> to

> the concession stand when we got there. But I failed to prepare

> for

> the situation, and was tense about it because I knew they'd ask.

>

> But, I was very proud of my daughter for checking me like that.

> I

> would have NEVER uttered words like that to my nada!!!!

>

> -kyla

>

>

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

> years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> cool. I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear KW,

I recently noticed there's a board just for this! It's at bpdcentral.com. There

are all kinds

of boards these days. I wish there was one though for KOs who are *not* in

relationships,

who are trying to deal w/the overwhelming sense of isolation and the

difficulties sorting

out how we deal with members of the opposite sex ....

Good luck,

Charlie

>

> I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years now,

> I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if anyone

> else has had similar difficulties.

>

> My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo hard not

> to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my cool. I

> do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD (always

> wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his behaviors are

> a HUGE trigger for me.

>

> Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

>

> KW

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Thanks for the great way you said all these excellent things about

parenting. Like you, it would've been DANGEROUS for me to say to my nada

what your daughter said to you. Congratulations for creating a person and

an environment in which she feels okay saying that to you.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> If you can stand one more anecdote: Just a couple of days ago, my

> kids (aged 10 and 11) and I were at the movies. We're waiting to go

> in, and I've already decided we're not going to spend any money at

> the concession stand. We don't need it, and I'm trying to reign in

> my spending.

>

> My daughter asks " Are we going to get something to drink? " and my

> first, knee-jerk, tense reaction is to sigh and close my eyes as I

> say " No.... "

>

> She said to me " Mom, you could have just said 'No' -- you didn't

> have to sigh and say 'No'. "

>

> She was absolutely right and I told her so, with an apology. I

> should have just told the kids in the car that we weren't going to

> the concession stand when we got there. But I failed to prepare for

> the situation, and was tense about it because I knew they'd ask.

>

> But, I was very proud of my daughter for checking me like that. I

> would have NEVER uttered words like that to my nada!!!!

>

> -kyla

>

>

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> cool. I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

KW-

I can totally understand where you are coming from on

this. I am an alternating weekend (pseudo)stepparent,

which is as much as I can handle of parenting. As

much progress as I've made disconnecting from fada and

foo's characteristics in other areas of my life, I am

sadly lacking in the proper control to be a good

parent...at least it does not come naturally to me.

Neediness seems to trigger me as well. One thing that

my therapist recommended is that when I get

overwhelmed, to explain to my stepson that I need to

spend a few minutes in time-out. Helps to defuse the

anger for a little and regain some of my

composure...also helps the child to realize that

adults get angry/frustrated just like they do. My SO

and I also have an arrangement that I never need spend

an extended time as the sole parental figure. We also

make a concerted effort to do things that we all enjoy

together as a family. Of course, YMMV and probably

will since your situation is different from mine.

Sakura

[Guest guest]

I have to throw in a few thoughts and questions on this topic. Fist

off Kayla you sound like supper mom I wish I could be but I'm just

not. I yell more than once a year. If my kid breaks something

spills something or comes in the house covered with mud and peed

pants I don't care. I can clean things I can replace things. Even

this morning my son came in and had holes all over his tee shirt

from rolling down the driveway on his belly on a skateboard, this

didn't bother me any boys will be boys or kids will be kids. I never

even said he shouldn't do it because he wasn't being irresponsible

he was just playing he is 6 and just out for a good time. All I said

was its ok you have lots of shirts.

But here is the time where I do get ticked off…. When I say

something 400 ok maybe like 15 times and they just don't hear me!

Then I want to shout! I swear my kids have selective hearing! Like I

will say stop hitting your brother, stop hitting your brother, stop

hitting your brother and not until I yell it will they stop! By that

time I am so mad I feel like I was just ran over by a train. Another

famous one at our house is getting ready for bed the most stressful

time of the day for me so often I try and leave this one for my

husband but he doesn't do much better than I do with it. My children

know they need to brush their teeth put on pajamas go potty and take

a drink. Every night they ask what they should do. We have tried

everything even a picture checklist sign on the door of their

bedroom! We have tried to help them, we have tried to let them do

it them selves, we tried to say if you are not ready in this time

you will go to bed as is, but they are so wild they run all over and

it hard to keep the focus and settle them down. Anyways I just don't

feel like supper mom.

I have no doubt in my mind I am better than my mother but that is

setting the bar pretty low and that is not to hard to beat. All I

have to do to win against her is feed my children don't beat them

don't molest them spend time with them and don't give them any death

threats. I know I can manage that. But it is the other things like

yelling I admit I have struggled with that. I think it is so hard to

deal with my oldest son. I took him to the T. and she thinks he may

have ODD and ADHD but I am not sure if it is true or if I am ready

to deal with that. ADHA and ODD are two things that make it hard

to deal with as a parent but I really don't know what comes next.

It's not like I yell every day or all the time but I do have moments

when he pushes me over the edge and I just don't know what to do or

how to handle it. I want to parent better than my mother but it is

hard to learn all of this. So is there anybody who struggles with

these issues to or am I an odd duck? Lizzy

>

> I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

now,

> I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

anyone

> else has had similar difficulties.

>

> My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo hard

not

> to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

cool. I

> do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

(always

> wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his behaviors

are

> a HUGE trigger for me.

>

> Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

>

> KW

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

Let me share with you what my therapist shared with me - all good

parents suffer over this stuff! I also had a problem with yelling.

And although I managed to keep it under control, I did yell more

than once a year. I spent my entire parenting years not knowing I

was a KO, or about how having a BPD parent affected me. I had very

low self esteem and self confidence. Regardless, I was still able

to be a good parent. My love for my children drove me to overcome

many of the emotional obstacles I had in parenting. Two things that

helped me the most was that when I did something wrong (including

yelling) I apologized to my child; and I always, always told them

the truth. Children do not need perfect parents, they need to be

loved and accepted and respected for who they are.

Take care,

Sylvia

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> cool. I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey lizzy --

Don't be hard on yourself, and I want to clarify what I said.

Yelling, in and of itself, isn't " bad " -- it's what you say, how

enraged you are, etc. I know one great mom in particular who raises

her voice all the time -- the kids are used to it and she

isn't " abusive " , she just yells.

It's the " temper " factor that can turn the yelling into something

else. What I changed in my family was the way my nada would turn

beet red and snarl her mouth and talk one inch from your face like

Clint Eastwood. She was downright MEAN -- and when she yelled, it

was filled with obscenities and insults.

I just want to make that clear -- I can see now where it might be

interpreted across the board. (Just look at stereotypical Italian

families! They supposedly yell everything! lol!)

But indulging a show of temper is something that my therapist

advised against.

It's great that all of us are stopping and assessing our parenting

styles -- judging from what we came from, that's a big step in the

right direction.

I say just do your best and remember this is your 2nd chance at

parenting (the first being your FOO) and this is your only

opportunity to make your mark (a positive one) on the kids before

they head out to be part of the bigger world. You can struggle with

stuff, but awareness goes a long way.

I think anyone contributing on this board has a great chance in

changing the course of their children's lives into something

different than what they were raised in.

But the struggle -- well, that's always with us, isn't it?

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> cool. I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

[Guest guest]

And, lizzy -- and everyone else -- please don't think I'm " super "

mom. I struggle with other things -- but I'm glad I conquered the

yelling thing, just because my nada tortured us with it. It was a

signal that the " angry woman " was in residence and all hell broke

loose.

Anyway, I struggle with other stuff -- keeping a schedule, following

through on stuff I've said we're going to do, etc....

It's a long list, actually.......

But, a little yelling? That's part of being a mom.

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> cool. I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds a little like my house!

Seriously, though, those different things we can all relate to, but

there are different ways of tackling those daily irritants you

mentioned.

I do remember a conversation where one mom was complaining that her

kids never did anything until she raised her voice, and the other

mom chimed in " Well, that's because they know they have until you

raise your voice to keep doing it. "

It was just something I overheard -- don't know if it's

just " kitchen table wisdom " or it came from a book, but it made

sense to me.

Maybe they still need you to walk them through their evening

routines, until they get sick of you escorting them through it, and

want you to trust that they can do it themselves.

I know if I tell my 2 kids to go clean their rooms, my son has no

problem with it (he's a born organized kid), but my daughter is such

an artistic, unorganized type, that it's never quite " clean " , so I

have to kind of guide her through it each time. And I've accepted

that her room will be messy at times, clean at times. She gets it

from me, and I know the feeling of being overwhelmed by a mess, and

not knowing where to start, etc....So I help her and we do it

together.

I'll quit rambling now....

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> cool. I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys for the replies. I was reading that and thinking wow

something is wrong with me. But I guess we all have our demons to

wrestle with. I don't insult my children so that is good, if I yell

at them like I said it is more of a " stop hitting your brother " kind

of a yell and then it is over. But I still don't like to be at that

point that I had to say something 5 times before they listen. Or

like cleaning up or getting ready for bed sometimes it is more like

15 times them by that time I really am tired and I don't feel like I

should have to say it that many time. I read in a magazine that

suggested instead of saying " john walk the dog " and saying over and

over they suggested using less words like " john, dog " I have tried

this a few times with my kids like if they bring a toy to the table,

at our house it is a rule that they can't do this so I say

like " john, toy " this seems to get the attention but I can't do this

all the time. Anyways thanks for the encouragement and for the

record I think you are all super moms when we look at what we came

out of and the job we do with our children that is saying something!

So just think about that super moms!!! Love Lizzy

> > >

> > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

years

> > now,

> > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> > anyone

> > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > >

> > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> hard

> > not

> > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > cool. I

> > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> > (always

> > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> behaviors

> > are

> > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > >

> > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > >

> > > KW

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My daughter (12) also has ADHD and I kick myself daily for not

realizing sooner that I wasn't dealing with her or the disorder the

best way I could. All I can do now is be thankful I figured out the

negative effects my nada and stepfada had on my own parenting (and

their ability to grandparent). Realization was the first step, then

came tons of reading and research. I am aware when I'm losing it and

have control enough to stop and think. The behaviors can be

unbearable, but my job is to show her how to deal with emotions

appropriately. With the help of her therapist, online resources, and

constant reading, I feel confident and we are working as a team, not

against each other. I wish you the best of luck. Oh and my two cent

advice: when he is raging, being defiant, etc. remember something

cute or funny he did recently (cuz they are always doing something

silly!) and keep in mind it is temporary. Some behaviors are meant to

cause you distress to get a reaction (much like our nadas haha) so

keeping your cool and staying firm will do him the best in the long

run. Feel free to email me anytime. Stacey

>

> I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

now,

> I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

anyone

> else has had similar difficulties.

>

> My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo hard

not

> to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my cool.

I

> do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

(always

> wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his behaviors

are

> a HUGE trigger for me.

>

> Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

>

> KW

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy - I have found the Super Nanny and Dr. Phil's Family First

books to be excellent resources. The ideas work well for my oldest

who needs more structure and consistency (she has ADHD, as well as

other things, and meets DSM IV criteria for ODD). If he is school-age

and having trouble in school, I suggest requesting an IEP. The school

will do their own assessment (academic and psychological) and if he

qualifies, can refer him for 26.5 (county mental health). Lots of

services available through them, including in-home behavior

support We use a rigid schedule where she earns breaks and free-

time by staying on schedule. It has been a life-saver, making her

more independent and taking me out of the yelling, nagging, arguing

role. Good luck!

> > > >

> > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

> years

> > > now,

> > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> > > anyone

> > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > >

> > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> > hard

> > > not

> > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > > cool. I

> > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > (always

> > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > behaviors

> > > are

> > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > >

> > > > KW

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sure you're a great mom -- and you have house rules, which shows

you care -- you love your kids, and it shows....You have a noisy

house and they continually forget their chores: Sounds normal to me!

I know you love your kids and we all raise our voices......Didn't

someone once say " someday, you'll look back and laugh " . They'd

better be right or I'll be pissed!

Motherhood: It's not for the faint hearted!

Have you guys ever let yourself picture your house completely silent

and undisturbed, because the children are all grown and have flown

the nest? Sometimes it helps me realize that all of this chaos will

end, and it will seem strange to have a quiet house.

It kind of chokes me up thinking about it -- but I can also see

myself finally doing the things that I want to do, unencumbered by

school schedules and obligations. I always want to go on long

cruises, but I keep telling myself:.... " someday " ......

I think planning for that future is what will help us survive the

present!

Love to all,

Kyla

> > > >

> > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

> years

> > > now,

> > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering

if

> > > anyone

> > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > >

> > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> > hard

> > > not

> > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > > cool. I

> > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > (always

> > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > behaviors

> > > are

> > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > >

> > > > KW

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Super Nanny has a book? Great news!!! I love that show!

> > > > >

> > > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

> > years

> > > > now,

> > > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering

if

> > > > anyone

> > > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > > >

> > > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying

sooo

> > > hard

> > > > not

> > > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose

my

> > > > cool. I

> > > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

> ADHD

> > > > (always

> > > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > > behaviors

> > > > are

> > > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > > >

> > > > > KW

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for the advice and posts on this topic. It really was

one I have been thinking on also so I am glad not to be alone! I am

glad to hear super nanny has a book to I always love that show! I

think I heard something about it on Opera one day but was unable to

watch because I was busy with the kids. Anyways I love super nanny I

always watch and look for tips but I am so grateful because I

think " well at least things are not that bad at our house:) " I can

usually get a giggle from it.

Oh that is a good idea btw to think of something cute they do when

you are mad. Like this afternoon we were getting water ready because

we went on a 4 mile bike ride so we had to pack a snack and drinks

for the kids to make a stop. Well as I was filling the water jug my

4 year old was so impatient for it to fill he pulled the jug out of

my hand water went flying every where, all over all of us and the

floor and the fridge. Initially I was mad because everything

including me was wet (with the exception of the water bottle) I was

thinking why did you do that why didn't you wait patiently? Then I

got to thinking that it was pretty funny that he couldn't wait and I

busted out laughing! My husband was a little mad at both me and my

son I am not sure why I didn't do any thing but fill the water but

whatever!

If my sons teacher says something again this year (about the ADHD

and ODD) I will certainly have him tested with the school because

this will be the 3rd teacher to say something. He is only going into

the 1st grade but we moved and both his kinder teachers thought he

possibly had something. I talked to a T. about this she was the T.

also of the school but I saw her at the clinic nothing to do with

the school and she felt he potentially had ADHD and ODD because of

his symptoms. However with moving and everything else we never

pressed the issue. We can see what happens this year. Until then I

will keep envisioning my self like the beach boys song Aruba Jamaica

ooh I wana take ya! Planning like Kayla said for the future and save

my sanity!!!! Lol Does anybody have a pina colada they can spare?

Just kidding Love Lizzy

> >

> > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> now,

> > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> anyone

> > else has had similar difficulties.

> >

> > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

hard

> not

> > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

cool.

> I

> > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> (always

> > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

behaviors

> are

> > a HUGE trigger for me.

> >

> > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> >

> > KW

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have read many books about ADHD and parenting. I've had to learn to be a

parent without a good teacher. I am an only child of a BPD mom. The book

1-2-3 magic by Dr. Phalen is an excellent read. CHADD.org is a great on

line resource for ADD/ADHD.

I initiated this " topic " a few days ago because I feel guilty for getting so

angry. I will raise my voice rarely, but inside I'm screaming. It is such

a trigger for me because that is how I feel when I'm around my mother. I

want to rant and rave but keep it in. I know some of his behavior is the

disorder...doesn't that sound familiar? Did I mention he also has

tourettes...he grunts and sniffs constantly. He is very sensitive and

wouldn't hurt a fly, but he can really test my patience. Ughh. I know I'm

still a better mother than my mother ever could have been, but the

GUILT...God the GUILT !!

KW

>

>Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

>To: WTOAdultChildren1

>Subject: Re: When non borderline children become

>parents

>Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 23:41:11 -0000

>

>Thank you all for the advice and posts on this topic. It really was

>one I have been thinking on also so I am glad not to be alone! I am

>glad to hear super nanny has a book to I always love that show! I

>think I heard something about it on Opera one day but was unable to

>watch because I was busy with the kids. Anyways I love super nanny I

>always watch and look for tips but I am so grateful because I

>think " well at least things are not that bad at our house:) " I can

>usually get a giggle from it.

>Oh that is a good idea btw to think of something cute they do when

>you are mad. Like this afternoon we were getting water ready because

>we went on a 4 mile bike ride so we had to pack a snack and drinks

>for the kids to make a stop. Well as I was filling the water jug my

>4 year old was so impatient for it to fill he pulled the jug out of

>my hand water went flying every where, all over all of us and the

>floor and the fridge. Initially I was mad because everything

>including me was wet (with the exception of the water bottle) I was

>thinking why did you do that why didn't you wait patiently? Then I

>got to thinking that it was pretty funny that he couldn't wait and I

>busted out laughing! My husband was a little mad at both me and my

>son I am not sure why I didn't do any thing but fill the water but

>whatever!

>If my sons teacher says something again this year (about the ADHD

>and ODD) I will certainly have him tested with the school because

>this will be the 3rd teacher to say something. He is only going into

>the 1st grade but we moved and both his kinder teachers thought he

>possibly had something. I talked to a T. about this she was the T.

>also of the school but I saw her at the clinic nothing to do with

>the school and she felt he potentially had ADHD and ODD because of

>his symptoms. However with moving and everything else we never

>pressed the issue. We can see what happens this year. Until then I

>will keep envisioning my self like the beach boys song Aruba Jamaica

>ooh I wana take ya! Planning like Kayla said for the future and save

>my sanity!!!! Lol Does anybody have a pina colada they can spare?

>Just kidding Love Lizzy

>

> > >

> > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> > now,

> > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> > anyone

> > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > >

> > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

>hard

> > not

> > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

>cool.

> > I

> > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> > (always

> > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

>behaviors

> > are

> > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > >

> > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > >

> > > KW

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

>@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

>THE GROUP.

>

>To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

>() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the

>Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth)

>which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

>From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

>and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

I do not have any children. In a couple of years my husband and I will

likely take up the topic, but that is then and this is now.

I do, however, have experience working with children. I spent the last

three years as a part time nanny. Before that I have also done gigs working

as a personal aide/tutor for boys with Aspergers (Autism Spectrum

disorder). Plus I have taken classes in several developmental psych classes

and did an internship on screening infants and toddlers for developmental

delays. So I have worked with kids for long hours. Some really difficult

kids on really bad days, etc. And I am in awe of good parents. Its such an

amazingly hard job.

I have learned various things. I think it helps to remember that children

will always test and push the limits. Any limits. Its what they do. They

will scheme and take advantage and use and forget and so forth. But its not

personal or anything. And they grow out of a lot of stuff.

On those bad days when they do something you think is so ridiculous and so

harebrained you just want to scream and then they do something else and then

drive you crazy with all those demands (feed me, wash me, give me attention,

etc) you are probably going to snap or say or do something you will feel bad

about later. Your will realise you have wrong. And you will be sorry.

This is what makes normal people different from BPD. When we do things like

that we can usually admit it. You go up to the kid and say that you were

out of line and you were sorry and maybe explain why you behaved badly and

how you are going to prevent it from happening again. And the kid tends to

like this. And you feel better. And then you have to figure out those

trigures and patterns and learn from experience.

Personally, I tend to think time outs and nap time is as much for adults as

for the kids. Those time outs are great. They can diffuse situations and

just give a chance to cool down. Now when I did the nanny thing I was

always trying to convince the kids how much fun an afternoon nap would be-

no one ever seemed to want to take one though. (of course this is comming

from a nanny with a sleep disorder). But down time is important. So is

away time I think. Togetherness and quality time are great.

But being newly married I have noticed that as much as I love my husband I

do need periods of time alone, without him. Time to recharge. So hire a

babysitter that likes crafts or helps with homework and go out for an adult

meal now and then, etc.

I think another important thing to is constant self evaluation and

evaluation by others if necessary. How are you different from your parents

and so forth? How do you know this is true and you aren't just BSing

yourself? Are you being rational?

I suspect that because my brother and I were difficult children (he has

autism and epilepsy and cerebral palsy- sometimes he even still drives me

nuts with his little habbits or ticks) (I have a learning disability and had

health issues- I could be quite annoying) it was harder for my NADA and what

patience she might have had just left her. And no, this is not ok. Or

acceptable or anything else. But it is a potential danger to be aware of.

Just my thoughts

-Ata

>

> I have read many books about ADHD and parenting. I've had to learn to be

> a

> parent without a good teacher. I am an only child of a BPD mom. The book

> 1-2-3 magic by Dr. Phalen is an excellent read. CHADD.org is a great on

> line resource for ADD/ADHD.

>

> I initiated this " topic " a few days ago because I feel guilty for getting

> so

> angry. I will raise my voice rarely, but inside I'm screaming. It is

> such

> a trigger for me because that is how I feel when I'm around my mother. I

> want to rant and rave but keep it in. I know some of his behavior is the

> disorder...doesn't that sound familiar? Did I mention he also has

> tourettes...he grunts and sniffs constantly. He is very sensitive and

> wouldn't hurt a fly, but he can really test my patience. Ughh. I know

> I'm

> still a better mother than my mother ever could have been, but the

> GUILT...God the GUILT !!

>

> KW

>

>

> >

> >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >Subject: Re: When non borderline children become

> >parents

> >Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 23:41:11 -0000

> >

> >Thank you all for the advice and posts on this topic. It really was

> >one I have been thinking on also so I am glad not to be alone! I am

> >glad to hear super nanny has a book to I always love that show! I

> >think I heard something about it on Opera one day but was unable to

> >watch because I was busy with the kids. Anyways I love super nanny I

> >always watch and look for tips but I am so grateful because I

> >think " well at least things are not that bad at our house:) " I can

> >usually get a giggle from it.

> >Oh that is a good idea btw to think of something cute they do when

> >you are mad. Like this afternoon we were getting water ready because

> >we went on a 4 mile bike ride so we had to pack a snack and drinks

> >for the kids to make a stop. Well as I was filling the water jug my

> >4 year old was so impatient for it to fill he pulled the jug out of

> >my hand water went flying every where, all over all of us and the

> >floor and the fridge. Initially I was mad because everything

> >including me was wet (with the exception of the water bottle) I was

> >thinking why did you do that why didn't you wait patiently? Then I

> >got to thinking that it was pretty funny that he couldn't wait and I

> >busted out laughing! My husband was a little mad at both me and my

> >son I am not sure why I didn't do any thing but fill the water but

> >whatever!

> >If my sons teacher says something again this year (about the ADHD

> >and ODD) I will certainly have him tested with the school because

> >this will be the 3rd teacher to say something. He is only going into

> >the 1st grade but we moved and both his kinder teachers thought he

> >possibly had something. I talked to a T. about this she was the T.

> >also of the school but I saw her at the clinic nothing to do with

> >the school and she felt he potentially had ADHD and ODD because of

> >his symptoms. However with moving and everything else we never

> >pressed the issue. We can see what happens this year. Until then I

> >will keep envisioning my self like the beach boys song Aruba Jamaica

> >ooh I wana take ya! Planning like Kayla said for the future and save

> >my sanity!!!! Lol Does anybody have a pina colada they can spare?

> >Just kidding Love Lizzy

> >

> > > >

> > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight years

> > > now,

> > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> > > anyone

> > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > >

> > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> >hard

> > > not

> > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> >cool.

> > > I

> > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has ADHD

> > > (always

> > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> >behaviors

> > > are

> > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > >

> > > > KW

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> >@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON

> >THE GROUP.

> >

> >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

> >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> >and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

I think you bringing up the fact that a parent whose normal feels

like crap when they punish a child vs a bpd parent who punishes a

child feels justified is a very good point to remember. I have

screamed at my kids a few times and I even spanked my oldest one a

couple of times and every time I am beside myself w/shame and

anguish. I honestly don't think spanking is okay. I found that by me

connecting too much to my bp cousin in therapy who does spank and my

brother in law, who does not have any personality disorders but

spanks, too often gives me a shift in paradigms- that its okay and

w/my mom spanking us too often in childhood, it is something I easily

could fall back on. That said, what I have done to minimize it is to

quit talking to these outsiders for the time being- until I can get a

handle on my life w/all the chaos my family has helped to create this

past year- and basically focus on me and my family right now. I've

noticed when I have a sense of peace and clarity, I can see what

triggers this 'reaction' to want to spank my older child. He will be

beating the crap out of his younger brother and the sense of

injustice of the situation totally engrages me. I hate that part of

childhood- the bullying- even though I'm sure my younger brother

would attest to the fact I was not alway nice to him either. When I'm

able to get in touch w/why this is triggering me- the sense of

injustice- I can go to the root and see my biggest issue w/injustice

is NOT my children, but my past- the injustices from my bp mother as

well as the rest of the FOO who turned a blind eye. When I claim that

trigger, that sense of connection to the past, I am able to discern

better the difference between my child in the now and my inner child.

I am able to step back and get on my kid's case about hitting his

brother, but not spank him. I use it instead as a teachable moment

and make him hug and kiss his younger brother and reward him more for

that positive behavior than feed into the cycle of negative behavior

being rewarded when I jump on him for hitting his younger and weaker

brother. I just find I can't control me as well though when I've got

these other people in my life who are living out models of parenting

I don't esteem such as spanking and whatnot. I love those people, but

not near as much as my kids and so I set limits on myself that are

not required but very necessary. For the life of me I do not fathom

how some stay in close proximity w/their FOOs and parent their kids.

I would go insane.

I think parenting is the hardest job in the world. I think working

w/kids is difficult, but w/parenting you can't leave the work behind.

It follows you to bed at night in the way of cuddling up close

between the sheets. I don't mind the closeness. I am growing

accustomed to it. But I am a space freak- needing my space and down

time and I just don't get as much of it w/my kids now days. I am

learning to vocalize it to dh more and that helps on the weekends.

I am also learning that routines are perhaps one of the most

important things I can bring to my children's life to make our

household more peaceful. If a kid is acting up around bed time then

they need more unwinding time- like separating them and having them

read or whatever to not get overly stimulated right before bedtime.

This is one thing that drove me insane about my husband earlier in

our journey as parents. He would horseplay w/our son late at night

and then expect him to go to bed and then get mad at him when he was

still too wired and acting out. It has been difficult trying to teach

dh these things about proper times for horseplay and whatnot just b/c

I kind of stupidly assume that b/c he helped bring them into the

world, then he is wired like I am. Not so. He's very different and is

also learning like I am what to do and what not to do and he's never

been around kids much before our kids were born. He's been awesome

though and the kids love him dearly. I'm pretty sure they love me

too. I look forward to every night when we all say good night and 'I

love you mommy. I love you daddy. I love you kiki (nickname for

little brother)' Those are moments I will treasure for a lifetime.

You do the best you can. You aren't going to be perfect and that's

okay. You learn as much as you want to teach and I think it is easy

to tell them what not to do and much harder to teach them what to do.

I think all relationships are hard in that way. I didn't have a good

teacher and learning to be a good teacher hasn't been easy, but I

feel that's one of my primary roles as their mom- a teacher. And so

be gentle with yourself too as a student in this role as a parent.

Best wishes. I'm glad this topic was brought up. I struggle with it

too and have good girlfriends that help ground me and let me know

their struggles as well. That's been so helpful when I see myself

coloring outside the lines- having a lifeline of sane moms around me

to help pull me back in when I slip up. I hope my kids learn this too-

how to have friends and be a friend.

Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

years

> > > > now,

> > > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering

if

> > > > anyone

> > > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > > >

> > > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> > >hard

> > > > not

> > > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > >cool.

> > > > I

> > > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > > (always

> > > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > >behaviors

> > > > are

> > > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > > >

> > > > > KW

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> > ON

> > >THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth)

> > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

community!

> > >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

[Guest guest]

Excellent points, Ata. It is true that we as parents FEEL bad about

overreacting and apologize, as well as figure out what happened so it

doesn't happen again. Our parent(s) never saw it as wrong or overkill

and therefore felt they had nothing to apologize for (and I know self

analyzation doesn't happen with mine). Very good insight - you will

be a good mom one day

I also agree the 1-2-3 book is a great resource. I use it everywhere

and have never past 2 lol

> > > > >

> > > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

years

> > > > now,

> > > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering

if

> > > > anyone

> > > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > > >

> > > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> > >hard

> > > > not

> > > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > >cool.

> > > > I

> > > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > > (always

> > > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > >behaviors

> > > > are

> > > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > > >

> > > > > KW

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> > ON

> > >THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth)

> > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

community!

> > >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi All, KW,I forgot about that book 123 magic the school T. told me

about it and with all the stress of moving I just for got thanks for

the reminder! Kerri this is so funny " This is one thing that drove

me insane about my husband earlier in

our journey as parents. He would horseplay w/our son late at night

and then expect him to go to bed and then get mad at him when he was

still too wired and acting out. " We still deal with this that is

probably why I am stressed at bed time! Anyway you guys are all

great and thanks to everybody for all the feedback! Love Lizzy

> > > >

> > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

years

> > > now,

> > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> > > anyone

> > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > >

> > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> >hard

> > > not

> > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> >cool.

> > > I

> > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > (always

> > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> >behaviors

> > > are

> > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > >

> > > > KW

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> >THE GROUP.

> >

> >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth)

> >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> >and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

Lizzy, I've been reading this thread with interest, but have had

little to say because I don't have children yet. However, your

comments about having to say the same thing over and over reminded

me of my teaching experience. One important thing is to make sure

you have their attention, undivided. If I'm not " heard " the first

time, I'll say the person's name and wait until they are actually

looking at me, then I'll say in a slightly more quiet

tone, " please_____. " That helps a lot--even with my husband and

brothers who grew up with moms that yell all the time and have just

learned to tune them out! I do it also with youngsters in the

family when things are chaotic(family get togethers etc). They

respond.

When my students don't listen to me after this kind of

communication, it's another issue all together and some boundary-

setting and consequences are called for--again, not yelling, but a

time-out from an activity.

I think the important thing is to be heard. Yelling doesn't get you

heard, unless you can manage to yell ever louder because it looses

it's " shock and awe " factor over time.

Anyway, this may help you. It really works for me.

Trish

> > > >

> > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

> years

> > > now,

> > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering

if

> > > anyone

> > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > >

> > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> > hard

> > > not

> > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > > cool. I

> > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > (always

> > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > behaviors

> > > are

> > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > >

> > > > KW

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, while I was working as a teacher in the US, I went to a

conference on " classroom management " or discipline. It was the best

workshop I've ever been to--on anything. The presenter, Greg ,

said that the point is not to avoid feeling angry. The point is to

note the anger we feel at frustrating times and to accept the anger

(I mean, really, things can get on your nerves). The important part

is to make sure that you always treat children with respect and

consistency--even if you are upset.

This made me feel a lot better, because I was often pretty angry as

a beginning high school teacher! I didn't have to feel guilty about

anger any more and could just focus on treating my students with

respect despite my anger--of course, no ranting and raving is

allowed!

Hope this helps.

Trish

> > > >

> > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

years

> > > now,

> > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering if

> > > anyone

> > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > >

> > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> >hard

> > > not

> > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> >cool.

> > > I

> > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

ADHD

> > > (always

> > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> >behaviors

> > > are

> > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > >

> > > > KW

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> >THE GROUP.

> >

> >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth)

> >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> >and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

I was thinking maybe that may be the case when you mentioned bedtime.

LOTS of parents have this battle. Its not at all a KO issue if you

ask me. I think what has helped us is setting a bed time winding

down routine whereby no one is allowed to get too terribly excited

about ANYTHING. My oldest one still enjoys jumping the bed though we

we read Good Night Moon to him and can hardly contain himself. He

gets so excited about us reading to him you'd think we never ever

read to him when infact we read several books daily to him. I think

its just a Good Night Moon thing though. I started reading that one

to him ineutero and have read it to him nightly ever since. I just am

bewildered though that even after all this time he still gets so

excited about us reading it to him- so much so that he starts jumping

on his bed which he knows is a no-no. Part of me cracks up though

that he gets excited and another part- the adult part- is freaking

out that he's jumping on the bed. That's our bedtime battle now days.

He use to hate brushing his teeth though until we brought him into

our bathroom every night and saw us brush our teeth as well. We're

going through that battle right now w/the 1 year old as he hates

brushing his teeth. I read on my parenting board though to let him

brush our teeth as a way to get use to it and excited about it. I may

give it a try this week. I hate the toothbrush battle. I hate seeing

him scream and squeal when I get the toothbrush near his mouth. But

then not brushing them is far from an option. My bestfriend didn't

battle enough w/her oldest and now at 3 1/2 he's had several cavities

and had to be put under to do oral surgery on him. That scared me

enough to push regardless of how much they battle me. I hate the

prospect of ansethitizing little ones. It totally freaks me out big

time! But again, you're not alone in some of these battles. They are

soooo normal and yet life lessons for us as well as them. I can't say

I had a bedtime routine before the necessity arose in the past year

or so and having my clothes laid out, making sure I brush and floss

every night and taking my make-up off and putting on moisturizer,

these little things I do for myself, have been a great help to me too-

less cavities and more of a feeling of it being normal that I take

care of me. I want to pass this along to my kids, but ironically I

didn't learn about it until they came along. Maybe I'd floss twice a

week and wash my face off once or twice a week. And going to bed at a

reasonable hour is something I still battle w/myself over. Most

nights I'm good, but then other nights I'm too wired. That's when I

notice my patience running less and less w/the kids the next day and

so I think I consciously try to get to bed at a reasonable hour just

for their sakes now days. Its sooo much harder w/two toddlers now

days than one.

Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > > > I have two children. My oldest is 8 years old. For eight

> years

> > > > now,

> > > > > I have struggled with my parenting skills. I am wondering

if

> > > > anyone

> > > > > else has had similar difficulties.

> > > > >

> > > > > My biggest concern is expressing my anger. I am trying sooo

> > >hard

> > > > not

> > > > > to be like my mother and question myself everytime I lose my

> > >cool.

> > > > I

> > > > > do NOT rage, although in the beginning I did. My son has

> ADHD

> > > > (always

> > > > > wanting more and never being totally satisfied) and his

> > >behaviors

> > > > are

> > > > > a HUGE trigger for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any advice or similar circumstances out there?

> > > > >

> > > > > KW

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> > >THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL

> > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the

> > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth)

> > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

community!

> > >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE

> > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >