[wto1] re controlled by money

[Guest guest]

Leslye-

I would say I am controlled by AND with money. My mom

keeps track of anything they have done for me too.

They need to have me in debt to them to make sure

they'll continue to see me, I guess. It is crazy.

You say your mom thinks you want her money. My

parents say that they won't put their money in a trust

or their house in my name to save inheritance taxes

because I would put them in a nursing home and sell

their house out from under them. A second version of

the story goes that I would throw them in a ditch.

Thanks for sharing.

Holly

***************8

Re: [wto adult children 1] controlled by money?

Posted by: " L Kay " kaysouth57@... kaysouth57

Sat Aug 4, 2007 5:56 pm (PST)

There's a flip side to this as well - nada controls

WITH money. Mine didn't trust banks, so would call

periodically to see if we wanted to borrow some of her

'savings'. We discovered the 'dark side' however when

we repaid the last loan a couple of years ahead of

schedule and no longer owed her anything. She went

through several personality changes, alternating

through all the waif-witch-hermit- and queen over and

over. We finally came to the conclusion that as long

as we had an outstanding debt to her, she felt in

control and in power over us.

Since that time, we've " become greedy, materialistic

and selfish. " I comfortably take home a very good

salary myself and own 3 homes (including hers), with a

clear title on 2 of them, but somehow now she thinks

I'm trying to get all her money..... -Leslye

________________________________________________________________________________\

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[Guest guest]

This is a really GREAT topic and I appreciate everyone bringing it up

and revisiting it as I'm having some definitely clearer views on

things. I know we've talked about this topic before and I know I have

w/my nada. That was one of the finally straws for me w/my nada the

Christmas before last when she was manipulating yet again w/gifts and

such. We were about 4-5 months into the Dave Ramsey get out of debt

plan and it gave me some seriously clear perspective of things in so

far as how my nada manipulates w/material objects. HOWEVER, I can't

say I realized the same about my mother in law whom I got into a

tissy with last week on vacation. I already posted it, but I think

this gives me deeper insight.

I don't think my MIL is a bp per se, but more along the lines of

serious NPD leanings and my dh's oldest sibling, the only girl, is

kind of the favored nation. She's very smart and a doctor and very

frugal w/her money like my MIL. Dh's oldest brother has Aspergers

Syndome and so lives at home w/the inlaws, but the third child is the

only one who lives in the same town as my inlaws. He and his wife and

three kids live in a house owned by my mother in law and she does a

lot of stuff economically for them like buying the kids Goodwill

clothes and whatnot (she's like that though w/everyone- very frugal

and doesn't shop at anyplace that's not half off, a Dollar store or

second hand store- its just her nature). My brother in law and his

wife were kind of high maintance before they moved back instate near

the inlaws in so far as how much debt they accrued and how much

they'd spend, but so were we. I'd say we were all normal for this

generation- lots of debt. But unlike my brother in law, dh and I have

worked diligently for almost two years to get out of debt and became

debt free but the mortgage this past April. This brother in law has

had the oldest sister pay for the kids private school, had a car

donated and tons of other stuff along that lines that was SOOO not

his nature back in high school and college- super independant guy if

that makes sense (I've know him since I was 16).

We told our mother in law whose incredible with money in April that

we were debtfree and she seemed happy for us, but now I'm kind of

wondering. She's accrued quite a bit for a lifetime and now I'm

wondering if its b/c we are also financially independant and fairly

emotionally healthy that we potentially won't ever need her

inheritance or help w/anything again if she's also bothered by that.

I know she's proud of my sister in law, the oldest, for being so

financially frugal and independant (she's said stuff in private about

SIL shopping habits but it seems like she wants the boys dependant

upon her or something- one is obviously understandable.

Good stuff to ponder. Thanks again!

Kerrie

>

> Leslye-

> I would say I am controlled by AND with money. My mom

> keeps track of anything they have done for me too.

> They need to have me in debt to them to make sure

> they'll continue to see me, I guess. It is crazy.

> You say your mom thinks you want her money. My

> parents say that they won't put their money in a trust

> or their house in my name to save inheritance taxes

> because I would put them in a nursing home and sell

> their house out from under them. A second version of

> the story goes that I would throw them in a ditch.

> Thanks for sharing.

> Holly

>

> ***************8

> Re: [wto adult children 1] controlled by money?

> Posted by: " L Kay " kaysouth57@... kaysouth57

> Sat Aug 4, 2007 5:56 pm (PST)

>

> There's a flip side to this as well - nada controls

> WITH money. Mine didn't trust banks, so would call

> periodically to see if we wanted to borrow some of her

> 'savings'. We discovered the 'dark side' however when

> we repaid the last loan a couple of years ahead of

> schedule and no longer owed her anything. She went

> through several personality changes, alternating

> through all the waif-witch-hermit- and queen over and

> over. We finally came to the conclusion that as long

> as we had an outstanding debt to her, she felt in

> control and in power over us.

>

> Since that time, we've " become greedy, materialistic

> and selfish. " I comfortably take home a very good

> salary myself and own 3 homes (including hers), with a

> clear title on 2 of them, but somehow now she thinks

> I'm trying to get all her money..... -Leslye

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! - their life, your

story. Play Sims Stories at Yahoo! Games.

> http://sims.yahoo.com/

>

[Guest guest]

" I still am furious over what my parents put me through for going to

college. They insisted that I go to one of the best schools in the

country, and then called me basically every night to remind me of

how poor they were because of it. And I ended up doing really

backwards things like spending all my time working to give the money

to my father, who would then use it for some stupid bill my nada had

racked up. They spent so long telling me that I was financially

responsible for them that I spent most of my 20's believing them,

and paying them huge portions of my salary every year. Despite

that, once I decided to get married my mother told me that I would

have to repay them everything they'd ever spent on me. Giving them

anything is like putting money into a black hole. "

Sara, what you wrote sounds very, very similar to my situation. I

left my house after spending just one day home after my first year of

college. My mom has terrible BPD and in EXTREMEMLY stubborn and

unstable. She has no idea (on the surface, inside I think she is

tortured my it) that there is anything wrong with her.

After cutting them off (a very difficult thing to do, as I was only

19 when I did it) so that I could heal, the only contact that I would

get from my mom was that I owed her tens of thousands of dollars to

pay her back for everything from the therapy that I had to go to in

high school for OCD to imaginary bills to food that I ate while they

were raising me.

It is extremely frustrating! Right now, I am going to therapy and

working through the remaining emotional scars from the abuse and the

craziness. Even though I love my parents more than the world itself,

I am still just keeping a clean, " no-contact " boundary until I am

healed enough and strong enough to attempt the special, straining

kind of relation that I will have with my mom, if I have any

relationship at all.

[Guest guest]

My father told me I could go anywhere I wanted, so I chose to go out

of state, to an average college. I came back after a year, and then

had to deal with my mother cornering me on many occasions, always

alone, to tell me how much my year of school was a burden on them.

How they had to take out a second mortgage on the house. I had no

idea. My father never said it would be a burden. She shamed me many,

many times for doing exactly what he told me it was okay to do. Plus,

she brought it up for five years or more after I returned.

She did, however, concede that maybe if she hadn't quit working for

(at the time) 6 years, they probably COULD HAVE afforded to send me to

school.

She loves to trap me and shame me. Some examples: For going to

school. Throwing the soap away before it is sufficiently small (as she

dug through my garbage). Not calling her back quickly enough fo her

timetable (at 36!) (I am VERY disappointed in you. And so is your

father.) For having a male friend who is married (he wasn't married

22 years ago when we became friends). For becoming a big sister ( " you

should spend more time with your niece instead of perfect strangers " ).

For not going to a family picnic due to previous engagements ( " OH

it's okay, my father is 97, I am sure he'll live another year " sob sob

sob)...

The shame was one of her favorite methods of control before I stopped

talking to her and she still tries to use it by sending me cards... " It

is foolish (I am foolish) to hold on to resentments (this argument is

all about you being unforgiving) "

>

> " I still am furious over what my parents put me through for going to

> college. They insisted that I go to one of the best schools in the

> country, and then called me basically every night to remind me of

> how poor they were because of it. And I ended up doing really

> backwards things like spending all my time working to give the money

> to my father, who would then use it for some stupid bill my nada had

> racked up. They spent so long telling me that I was financially

> responsible for them that I spent most of my 20's believing them,

> and paying them huge portions of my salary every year. Despite

> that, once I decided to get married my mother told me that I would

> have to repay them everything they'd ever spent on me. Giving them

> anything is like putting money into a black hole. "

>

> Sara, what you wrote sounds very, very similar to my situation. I

> left my house after spending just one day home after my first year of

> college. My mom has terrible BPD and in EXTREMEMLY stubborn and

> unstable. She has no idea (on the surface, inside I think she is

> tortured my it) that there is anything wrong with her.

>

> After cutting them off (a very difficult thing to do, as I was only

> 19 when I did it) so that I could heal, the only contact that I would

> get from my mom was that I owed her tens of thousands of dollars to

> pay her back for everything from the therapy that I had to go to in

> high school for OCD to imaginary bills to food that I ate while they

> were raising me.

>

> It is extremely frustrating! Right now, I am going to therapy and

> working through the remaining emotional scars from the abuse and the

> craziness. Even though I love my parents more than the world itself,

> I am still just keeping a clean, " no-contact " boundary until I am

> healed enough and strong enough to attempt the special, straining

> kind of relation that I will have with my mom, if I have any

> relationship at all.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> That is so ridiculous. What is the point in doing something for

> someone if you are just going to be angry and bitter about it? And

> you don't owe her anything...she owes YOU food, shelter and clothes

> for bringing you into the world!

>

>

HA! THANK YOU

P.S. - oh well she wouldn't have to be angry and bitter about it if

I'd turned out to be a proper daughter....I mean do these nada's think

it is like a rent-to-own plan?

[Guest guest]

My mother never took me to any funerals for her family (her mother and father).

When I say 'take,' I mean she never helped with the money to get there because

they lived on the other side of the country and I couldn't afford to go myself.

My grandmother died when I was 12, so clearly not an option for me on my own. I

wonder if this has to do with keeping the attention to herself; by not taking

me, there was less competition.

is

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[Guest guest]

You don't have a lawyer yet?????

I need to find a lawyer.

>

I'd start there.