Without Closure

[Guest guest]

I am not sure if it is the weather or what? Even though my life has

never been better and I want nothing, I REPEAT NOTHING to do with my

nada ever again sometimes when I think about the last time I saw her

it makes me sad.

The last time I " saw " her was the night as many of you already know

that she physicaly acted out against myself my husband and my 3 day

old baby. She was in witch mode. There was no way for me to even get

a word in. I had NO idea that that moment was the moment that was

going to change the rest of my life.

You like to think if you will never see somebody again you will have

a chance to say goodbye or i love you or some wise word. Just not

leaving sad or broken hearted would be good. When I left I didn't

hug her, I didn't kiss her I don't even think I said goodbye. I

never even said I can't take it anymore I said nothing. She is

probly confused as most bps are but there is nothing I can do for

her now. I can't remember the last time that she kissed or hugged me

because I never thought it would have been the last. Had I knowen I

would have tried to remember.

My greatgrandma died when I was a kid I saw her the week before I

didnt give her a meaningful hug but I did hug her and I remember it.

My grandpa died when I was a kid I was in the room I saw him pass I

was able to say goodbye. But this is diffrent. My mom is dead to me

what she did to me and my children damaged my soul beyond repair and

I never had a chance to say goodbye.

Maybe if I did say goodbye that would have made it worse I don't

know. All I know is I walked out that door and never looked back. I

have seen her in court but we dont talk I am only there because I

have to be. It's not the same. I can't explain it, now I know she is

sick, now I know she doesn't love me. If she did hug me it wouldn't

be the same as when I was blind.

I am not asking to see her one last time as a matter of fact that is

the last thing I want. i just wonder why it went down the way it

did? Was that my cost for freedom? I just know saying goodbye now is

not an opption and would only open a can of worms that I don't want

to open. Will this haunt me forever or will I someday get over it?

It has already been 4+ years when does the pain stop? Lizzy