13 year old daughter of bp

[Guest guest]

I am 13 years old and can't stand me mom! said that maybe i could join

even though I am only 13. I am so frustrated and tell myself every day that i

will get a good education, as long as I can get out of there! My grandma is

on the grandparent message board and was one of the people you interviewed in

the conference call. I really need help and don't know what to do. All i had

was two friends who understood me and almost every day they would see if i

could hang out. Now they're both moving away and i will have to be stuck in

the apartment for now on. I can't even think on how hard it would be to have to

live with my mom. She wants to be a sugacy mom, in which she is going to be

pregnant. Life with her is bad enough. Having a mom who going to be pregnant

will just make every thing harder. I know i can't make up her mind for her,

but for the good of my three year old sister, and me, i really don't want her

to do this. She put me in a mental hospital twice because " I " was having

issues. I was crying at her locked door, telling her i was sorry, crying my eyes

out. All she did was tell me to shut up, and that i would wake the neibors.

She hasn't done that to me in a while, but all the things she has done to me

have scared me to the bone. When ever we get into an argument, i always have to

leave the room. I have been diagnosed with over 5 mental illnesses and put

on four different drugs. I have run away 2 times, and wanted to kill myself

over 30 times in one year. On my myspace, i wrote a blog that made all my

friend really worried about me. This is how it went... " Little drops of sorrow

and

pain fall from my face. They land on the ground as each dream is shattered

into pieces. Prayers from the unchristian spill from my mouth. Words cracking,

not being able to become complete words. But what is it in a word that makes

it so hard to say? A stomach tight enough to stop the breathing of the

strongest soul. Two sides in one person collide making the happy rage in anger,

and laughs become tears. No actions can prove anything. No words can heal a

broken heart. A broken heart remains broken until it is ready to be fixed. Some

hearts never get fixed. The dark inside me won't go away, even if I want it

to. Bringing hatred and depression into my life. Once I would think everything

was going to be okay, it just got worse. So here I am crying my eyes out. I

have no control over my feelings. My whole world feels like it is crashing

down on me. Even today it goes down inch by inch, slowly I feel the pain of

death. Everyday, it hurts worse. Voices of the unheard telling me it will be

fine. Just keep holding on they say. But for how much longer? How much longer

do

I have to fear the next day? How much longer do I have to feel this pain? A

thousand wasted dreams rolling off my eyes. I feel unloved, even though I

know i am. I feel sad, even though I know I'm happy. I cry when I should be

laughing. There is so much my heart cannot see. So please help me see. Help me

love. Help me laugh. Help me be the happy person I know I am. " I am always

blamed for things i didn't do. Once i was fixing my shirt when i was hanging

out

with my friends, and she accused me of flashing them! I have been crying

every night. She asks why and i just tell her it is because my friends are

moving. But really i am crying because i have to live life without them and

have to

deal with her. Please respond to this message at my grandmother's email so

my mom doesn't know it's me. Thanks, it's _bpcaparents@..._

(mailto:bpcaparents@...) . And if i don't qualify for this group, is there

any

chance you could please recommend someplace else for me? Thank You.

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