Re: New and shaky

[Guest guest]

M posted:

>I find it very hard to even write this, as it feels like a betrayal

>in many ways. (of mum as well as dad) Does anyone else find this

>difficult?

Welcome M. I can feel how vulnerable you are and can relate totally.

It took me a long time just lurking here before I could post

anything. Then when I started posting I just KNEW someone would read

and know who I was. I couldn't call my mom a nada and felt very

disloyal. These feelings are , I now realize, a part of the

enmeshment I was experiencing. I felt so responsible for my nada and

so responsible for all her unhappiness. It took guts for you to post

here. It took guts when I began posting. With time I have come to

feel very safe here. Finally, there is somewhere I can express how I

feel safely. This board has been a huge help to me and although I

have resolved many of my fears and hangups with my nada I still

wouldn't miss a day of reading the posts. Some days I feel like I

want to say something and share my feelings or try to help someone

else. Some days I just read the posts.

I truly believe that just seeing the words and thoughts I write out

has helped me to claify things for myself. All those thoughts sort of

stop running around in circles in my head when I finally put them into

concrete form in a post. If you can't post here, try even writing

down your thoughts and new discoveries in a diary. You can destroy

them for a while afterward if that scares you that someone will find

them. I wrote a long letter to my mother (never gave it to her) and

reread it many times to just put things in perspective. I wrote down

every little thing I hated about her behavior. Just recently, I

finally destroyed it as I felt I could move beyond it now. I don't

have to think about or feel all that anger everyday any more. When I

wrote it, I didn't even know I had so much anger. I was in denial and

had buried so much because of feeling guilty about it. I no longer

feel guilty and life is much better, but it took time. In time you

will feel freer to share more of your story. Just know you are safe

here. Dee

[Guest guest]

Dear Dee and Non BP Recovering Man

thank you both so much for your replies and words of encouragement,

they meant a great deal.

i am trying to fight the guilt and fear of posting here. my dad's

behaviour has been normalised all my life so it is hard to escape the

part of myself that continues to normalise it and put the blame on

me. i continue to feel compassion and sympathy for him and I don't

suppose this is such a bad thing.

i am having mixed feelings towards my mother also. i feel angry with

her for her decades of collusion and allowing me to carry the blame.

i also feel desperately sorry for her and the way in which she has

given the best years of her life away and tolerated so much abuse.

i guess i take comfort from the fact that i am able to have these

mixed feelings and not be stuck in a black and white world like my

dad is.

my dad has been talking to my mum all year about a date for his

suicide. that date has now gone by and he is still with us.

however, the threat obviously still hangs heavy in the air. does

anyone have any wisdom about dealing with such threats?

thanks again

M

M posted:

>

> >I find it very hard to even write this, as it feels like a betrayal

> >in many ways. (of mum as well as dad) Does anyone else find this

> >difficult?

>

> Welcome M. I can feel how vulnerable you are and can relate

totally.

> It took me a long time just lurking here before I could post

> anything. Then when I started posting I just KNEW someone would

read

> and know who I was. I couldn't call my mom a nada and felt very

> disloyal. These feelings are , I now realize, a part of the

> enmeshment I was experiencing. I felt so responsible for my nada

and

> so responsible for all her unhappiness. It took guts for you to

post

> here. It took guts when I began posting. With time I have come to

> feel very safe here. Finally, there is somewhere I can express how

I

> feel safely. This board has been a huge help to me and although I

> have resolved many of my fears and hangups with my nada I still

> wouldn't miss a day of reading the posts. Some days I feel like I

> want to say something and share my feelings or try to help someone

> else. Some days I just read the posts.

>

> I truly believe that just seeing the words and thoughts I write out

> has helped me to claify things for myself. All those thoughts sort

of

> stop running around in circles in my head when I finally put them

into

> concrete form in a post. If you can't post here, try even writing

> down your thoughts and new discoveries in a diary. You can destroy

> them for a while afterward if that scares you that someone will find

> them. I wrote a long letter to my mother (never gave it to her) and

> reread it many times to just put things in perspective. I wrote

down

> every little thing I hated about her behavior. Just recently, I

> finally destroyed it as I felt I could move beyond it now. I don't

> have to think about or feel all that anger everyday any more. When

I

> wrote it, I didn't even know I had so much anger. I was in denial

and

> had buried so much because of feeling guilty about it. I no longer

> feel guilty and life is much better, but it took time. In time you

> will feel freer to share more of your story. Just know you are safe

> here. Dee

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go

to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

>