nada update

[Guest guest]

hello everyone,

I still have not responded to my BP Mom (still can't call her nada very easily I

guess). Have been reading SWOE, which is helpful. Brings up more memories, but

I am trying to focus on what I can do now. In a way, it makes me feel like I am

being mean to her because she is sick, and I am ignoring her without explaining

to her what I am upset about. Right now, I feel like that is what I need to do

in order to take care of me though.

I placed the ASSERTIVE BILL OF RIGHTS on my fridge, I like that. I'm going to

share it with the whole family.

Day before yesterday, nada sent 2 emails, acting like nothing, all about money

and reminding me of things I need to do. I felt a complete invasion of my

privacy. But, she owns my house, and this remodel is not 100% complete, and she

is my landlord, and needs to pay for 1 or 2 of the things she was asking me

about, so I have to respond and interact to a certain point. She asked me a

bunch of questions said to me " I'm trying to eliminate unneccary costs " . I

didn't want to respond at all, so instead I just said, " do what you need to do " .

I feel this whole thing started a couple of weeks ago, when I told her I had

decided not to allow her to purchase a brand new computer for my children. I

sent her detailed letter. She was going to buy him a desk for his bedroom.

Last weekend, he found a desk at a yard sale for $5, and he set it all up and

really likes it. He was all excited about it, and asked if he could call her up

to tell her about it. The next day I asked how it went (bc my kids have not

been having contact w/her either). He was not on the phone very long at all.

He told me she didn't say much at all, only that 'if I would still let her, she

was willing to buy them both computers for there rooms.'.........Of course he

wants a computer in his room very badly, but he isn't going to say so. It's

like he is in the middle between some kind of power struggle between me and my

BP mom. Maybe I should just let her buy the damned computers? I don't know. I

never know. I just feel like my life is not in my control.

Yesterday she came by to pick up her weedeater and I did not want to see or talk

to her. Dh went outside, and he told me that she thought we were mad at her bc

she had a drink (?) at the reception. He said he told her that she cannot talk

to dd the way that she did, and that she acted all confused. I wish I could've

heard the conversation so I knew exactly what was said. Oh, I don't even know

what it matters. I already knew she would deny it. He said she was acting like

a victim. So, at least now she knows I am staying away from her because of her

treatment of my daughter.

I was afraid to send her a letter or anything, because in the past when I have

done this, it has opened me up for an attack from her. And, I just don't want

to deal with her insanity right now. I think eventually I will get to a point

where I feel strong enough to deal with this. My daughter seems disappointed

that I haven't said something though. At first she didn't want me to go and

talk to her Grandnada, because she was afraid we'd get into a fight, now, she is

upset bc I haven't talked to her.

I don't want to talk to, see her, or have any contact with her at all. But, at

the same time I miss her a lot (* & *%#@?!), and feel like I am hurting her or

making her angry by doing what I need to do to take care of myself and my kids.

It's only been less than 2 weeks. This does not seem normal to me. Is it

normal for a 41 year old woman with a life of her own to 'miss her abusive

invalidating Mommy' who just verbally attacked her 12 year old daughter in such

an awful way? There is something wrong with me. I do not feel normal. I mean,

this is pathetic. Which is why I am trying to talk to a therapist or something,

but that isn't very hopeful either. because the only place I can go here is

this one place where they take medicare. I made a bunch of phone calls

yesterday

I was thinking of finding a therapist to help me, but I don't want to go back to

the place I left a year ago, bc I feel I went as far as I could with what they

had to offer. I had the head therapist (leader of DBT team)-for years, and she

was well informed of my situation and never clued me in that I was dealing with

a BP Mom - I guess she never recognized the fact. But, I was reading SWOE

about 1 year ago, and the light bulb went off. I had read about BPD before,

because I have studied many personality disorders and other (most) mental

illnesses out of a passionate interest due to family history I guess (I am also

a genealogist), but I had just not connected any to nada. I don't know why I

didn't except that she is the High functioning BP, and I've bought into the

illusion that she is well, even though I've been profoundly affected by her

illness and abusive behavior. Her faky public persona literally makes my

stomach turn. I can't hardly stand to be around her because of this facet. I

can tell on the telephone if she has company by the tone in her voice. Yuk!

Right now I am realizing how much I disacossiate in her presence, or used to

anyway. Check this out, me and the kids used to go to my parents house for

dinner almost every night (my stepdad is a wonderful cook). Within the last 2

years sometime, this has become painful for me. I would literally feel sick at

the dinner table and could feel myself disacciating, and would have to get up

and leave the room, because I could not deal with the interactions at the table

(my parents with my children). It felt like I was dreaming. Isn't that weird.

So, I began to learn how to cook, and we started to have dinner at home, and at

first that was hard, because I barely knew how to cook, but now we rarely eat

over there, and I enjoy cooking, and we love having meals at home, and I can't

believe I did that all those years. Oh my God, I can't believe it!

I think she is really unhappy over this change, and may be part of her increased

efforts at manipulation and control of me. Now that I am reading about BPD, and

becoming aware of how sick she really is. I mean I would say that everytime I

go around her and the bizarre things would come out of her mouth, but then I

forget.

You know, I literally, forget a week later if I don't write it down. WHat is

that? Does anyone else do that?