Replying to many great ideas and reminders

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

One Non-BP Recovering Man here again. Thanks again to all of you, newcomers and

longtimers alike, for your sharing, ideas and reminders. I continue to say

“Yes!”, “Yeah, me too!”, “No way!” and “Wow”, to nod knowingly, ruefully smile,

and sometimes chuckle or laugh WITH (not at) your stories and humor.

I’ve felt overwhelmed with identifying with so many of your stories. Sometimes

I say to myself, “I’ve gotta reply to that!”, then I keep reading more stories

and replies about which I feel the same. I’m trying to consolidate some of my

replies here. I’m not trying to anonymize anyone, just have clarity, calm down

and gather my thoughts before replying. Know what I mean?

I got so much incredibly and destructively bad advice from my nada and her crew

(the FOO) that they could’ve just put it in a book called, “How NOT to Live Your

Life: Self-Destructing the BPD Way” and given THAT to me. We could talk and

talk about this . . .

Mentors . . . I love this one. I’ve found them in person, print and virtually.

That is, in spiritual support groups, media (books, magazines, videos, DVD's,

CD’s, cassettes) and in the virtual reality of my mind. Most people don’t

understand or care about BPD’s major influence on my life, so I’ve looked for

and occasionally found GOOD influences. Sometimes it’s like searching for a

needle in a haystack, but good mentors are around, even if I have to invent

them.

Arrested development, sick and tired of being sick and tired, shortness of

breath, frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted and worn out from dealing with Team

Crazy, I mean, my nada and her supporting cast -- oh yeah, been there, doing

that. My identity as a person and man were nearly destroyed by nada and

company. They’re a tough bunch. In my situation, the best way to deal with

them is -- don’t. NC as much as possible. Remember when we, as kids, didn’t

like when someone changed the rules in a playground game? We Non-BP’s know that

LIFE rules changed EVERY DAY with our BP’s. Part of my male perspective is that

I was never supposed to show any of the exhaustion, let alone the confusion,

despair, FEAR, or deer-in-the-headlights look, from dealing with nada and

associates. That looked weak, confused and indecisive. That’s death to a boy.

Many of my peers took advantage. Exhausted to bed, exhausted to rise, made this

Non-BP unhealthy, unwealthy and unwise.

That shark-like, evil, black look. Oooooooo, you guys, too? She likes to look

THROUGH me, too, not at me. It’s an eerie look of terror that used to

straighten me up as a boy like a punch to the jaw. (She didn’t punch me; she

allowed others to do that dirty work. Her favorites were menacing looks and

words, slapping me in the face, and, in a handful of especially memorable

events, holding a knife to my throat. How subtle.) She also talks TO me, not

WITH me. Ya think that’s where FOO learned to do that with me? Speaking of

terror, a recent article about anarchists and terrorists described them having

an “almost autistic lack of empathy and contorted moral sense.” To this Non-BP,

it also sounded like a description of BPD! Talk about a persona!

What did I do when I learned that the person I was supposed to trust the most in

the world was the very person who hurt me the most, when I least expected it,

and when I was unable to protect myself? A years-long process led me,

basically, from survival denial, to glimmers of awareness, to more awareness, to

some understanding, to shocked understanding, to fury and outrage, to anger and

fuming, to anger and frustration, to anger, annoyance and frustration, to anger,

annoyance, frustration and acceptance. This board has almost completed my

understanding. The unpleasant feelings remain, gradually subsiding with time,

patience and spiritual work.

Nada’s Pipeline to Higher Authority, her trump card, in my case, was Other

People, or Other Mothers (not Other People’s Money, just Other People or Other

Mothers), as in “Other mothers’ sons don’t talk to their mothers like this . .

..” and “Other people don’t have a problem with (fill in the blank) . . .” After

many years, I consulted with these Other Beings. They told me that nada never

talked with them, and that what she said must be a figment of her imagination.

Intense scientific research has shown me that these Other Beings are usually

right about that.

Did she “substitute her own feelings or perceptions for mine, denying that my

experience of those things even exists”. C’mon, would anyone really do that?

YES! My nada did, thousands of times. She tried to deny that I existed,

without doing the deed, so how could any of my experiences exist for her?

Dishrag fada and the rest, the Professor and anne (just kidding about the

Prof. and anne, though I could’ve used the Professor’s help), thanks for

your contributions. Back to that “almost autistic lack of empathy and contorted

moral sense.” FOO terrorists of my existence and soul. Blessed Mother, indeed.

It was taught to me that when my feelings were down, I deserved it, because I

MUST’VE done something to deserve feeling that way. God? Chance? Hard luck?

A bad break? Not ready for prime time? No, I was (fill in the blank, they sure

did!), so I brought it (the blank) on myself. I had to deal with it, and I had

to deal with it alone, unless I was reminded of how useless, incompetent and

unable they thought I was. (Girls have it bad enough dealing with BPD. Imagine

how a BOY is supposed to grow into a stereotypical strong and confidant MAN

while thinking such things about himself. Brainwashing! Emasculating!

Castrating!)

It’s been asked, how can we forgive such behavior? Despite my anger, and my

sarcasm here for our amusement, I have forgiven. I started doing this years

ago. It became a habit. I’ve asked myself, if I waved my Magic Wand (okay, if

a REALISTIC miracle occurred), and nada and the gang started treating me like

the good person, man, son and brother I am, would I say to them, “How ya doin’?

Nice to hear from ya”? For me, the answer is “Yes”, because I want that. Mind

you, I sure don’t expect it, ever. However, I work to keep my mental door open

to serious improvement by them, no matter how unlikely that is. That’s part of

my job and joy of recovery. It’s their job to make their improvements. My side

of the fence is relatively (pun intended) clean. That ball is in their court.

These days, especially with my more recent awareness that so much of nada &

FOO’s madness is associated with her BPD, I have more information than ever with

which to understand my history, their behavior, and a lot of MY behavior. It

isn’t a pretty picture, but then, we were never promised a rose garden, were we?

Life isn’t fair, some people grow up in war zones (oops, that was me, too!),

it’s time to move on, yada yada, it’s all true. What most people who don’t deal

with BPD don’t get is, at least, 1) that they’re probably in denial about never

having dealt or having to deal with BPD (like most people think about so many

things, “It couldn’t happen in MY back yard”), and 2) how severely and massively

destructive it is to people (Non-BP’s) who get heavy doses of it. I can’t

educate the world (or can I?) about BPD, but I, along with you, my fellow

travelers, can carry the message to those who still suffer.

Keep up the great work. You inspire me.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Music Unlimited - Access over 1 million songs. Try it free.