Re: here for a visit -B

[Guest guest]

WHO with a nada in tow could not turn out to be bi-polar??? This diagnosis

is a 'typical' KO condition.

You are the epitome of strong, B. I envy you in that you didn't have to be

my age to realize that there is a life after nada...that there is life.

Big sister hug, Carol

In a message dated 7/22/2007 10:10:19 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

b_koscelny@... writes:

I have not been here on the boards... but I just wanted to " drop by "

and say there is life out there that is beyond trying to please your

BPD parent. I had to fight for my freedom and have won it through

lots of therapy and love for myself. I also had developed some

psychosis and needed medications to control these too... I have a

biological predisposition to have mood swings... was diagnosed

bipolar about the same time.

I had to see that loving myself is not selfishness as I was

taught. I realize I was taught a lot of things that were wrong, and

served my nada well for so long. When I unlearned these things, the

universe shifted for her, and she's never been the same since.

Neither have I!!!!!

I was in therapy for two years to try to get some sense of

reality... had to take two years of trying to find out who I was and

that it is okay to have a life without consulting my nada for

everything. The good news is I have " graduated " out of therapy, and

can take myself through life mistakes and all without feeling guilty

at every turn.

I can honestly say that I have not felt the intense shame and guilt

that nada could get to rise up in me for at least a year now. But

it took FIVE years to get to that point. For me, NC was the only

way as I was afraid for my life and my dh's life and my children's

sanity. There is nothing quite like that shame and now I realize it

was cultivated from a very early age from nada's stares and " looks "

any time I did anything slightly out of her idea of what the world

should be like, how I should be like.. what I should look like...

believe.. etc.

Even now.. five years later I am remembering things she did... but

now I can handle them. She used to sneak up on me, without me

knowing she was there quite often as a young child, trying to catch

me doing some small thing wrong... using the wrong spatula, or

something so crazy like that. I realize that is where the shame

comes from... she was so very good at getting me to always feel she

was watching me... cause many times she ACTUALLY WAS!!! I had to

realize that for forty years, I was conditioned to feel this way and

it was going to take some time to unlearn it.

It feels so good, and liberating to know my day to day thoughts can

be my own. Occasionally she will do something off the wall to

surprise me... but I am comforted to know that I can handle it and

know she can never take away my freedom now. I also know I can call

my therapist if I need to.

There is so much healing on this board, and I remember all of you

who responded to my posts in the past. It was so helpful and I hope

God blesses each of you.

Sometimes it would be nice to have someone who has this same

experience to talk to... so anyone who wants to I will respond.

HUGS,

B.

************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at

http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour

[Guest guest]

Thanks carol... I must say I'm a little choked up.. so many times I

have not thought of myself as strong at all. Not at all. But when I

really stop to think about what I had to do to get my freedom, I guess

I had to have been. I know I was a bit over the edge through it all,

but I managed to keep my job and do an okay job of mothering. I do

regret the years I lost in a fog of depression. I know I did the best

I could do, but wish I could have some of those years back with my

children that I spent dealing with her abuse.

Hugs... sis