RE: forgiveness and coming to terms

[Guest guest]

Hi john,

Just a few takes of my own on your issues with forgiveness etc.

I'm not in any way sitting in judgement on either you or either of your

wives. I respect your privacy in regard to the actual details of the

matters that have caused you so much distress. But perhaps as an

on-looking Aspie, I may be able to look more objectively at what you face

than you can. So here are a few questions to clarify the picture. I have

no wish at all to know anything about the real nature of what you went

through, and the offenses of the individual.

Do I take it that similar or parallel evils were perpetrated against you by

each partner, since you have been married twice?

Are the offenses on-going or were they specific things that were done at

particular times in the past, - however bad or wrong they may have been

done. In other words, have they (in the case of the latest marriage

relationship) been repeated, or is it that you have been left with the

memory of something nasty purely in the past?

Do the results of the (latest) offense in your second marriage literally

have material consequences that have damaged you financially or practically

in the way you want to live life?

If the memory of the past action or actions were somehow permanently

expunged from your memory by some magic (or drug), so that they didn't cast

a dark shadow over your daily life, would there be anything good remaining

in your present relationship that would be good and worthwhile? Or is the

other party personally damaged by the action(s) they took so that they

themselves are also permanently alienated in themselves?

What would be the attitude of the partner to you if by any chance you didn't

hold the hurt and the injury? Would or could there in such a case be any

sort of a good relationship going on? Or can it be said that the other

party was also injured or badly affected by their action?

Do you think on looking at the whole of the history about yourself and your

wife that in the long run, there is literally no chance that amends will

ever be made? In other words, can you feel quite convinced that you are

literally bashing your head against a brick wall for all time? But since

you are in the right, that you are justified in hoping and waiting for

resolution attempted by the other party?

Does the other party recognize their culpability in the case? Or are they

unable to see this?

Coming back to my first question above... if you did actually have parallel

injuries inflicted by the two partners, could this suggest some failing in

your approach toward choosing a partner? We are told by those clever

devils of Psychologists that sometimes we choose over and over the same type

of person to 'fall in love with' only to fall into the same sorts of traps.

Some suggest in something of an unconscious motivation by our 'inner selves'

that we are prompted to take on particular sorts of partners, in order to

learn specific sorts of lessons. But perhaps that is too much of a mystical

sort of concept to contemplate?

If you happened to repartner at a future time, do you think you would have

learnt more about your choice in partner have changed, or would you still

want the same sort of person?

What is your feeling about literally cutting your losses and divorcing?

The constant reminder that the presence of the offending person is in your

face day by day, as it were, must represent a very severe pain or burden for

you to carry.

What would your life be like if you divorced? Would you be financially

embarrassed or ruined if you divorced?

Are you truly convinced that you could genuinely 'forgive' in your own way,

if acknowledgement of the offense and reparation were made by the other

party? Or is it really too long, - it's really gone on too long? Might

you perhaps be demanding a bigger humbling of the other party than they or

anyone else might be prepared to give, or again too big a reparation?

Is your present marriage something of a toxic experience that is almost

destroying you, - and the other party as well?

Phew, - sorry for all that questioning, and I'm not suggesting that your

answers will bring about solutions from any of us here on the List. It's

just that the clarification of certain aspects may help us to understand, or

may suggest questions that you possibly haven't answered for yourself.

All the best, - Cheers,

Ron.