A Vent and a Half

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the kind words and good wishes on

letting my artist out. It's nice to see others

recommending The Artist's Way so highly (even the

checkout person at the bookstore gave the

Cameron books glowing praise). I'm just starting the

writing exercises and though I'm doubtful (as usual),

I'm also hopeful that if I open my mind I will get

something good out of it.

I am finding myself in a situation that is setting off

triggers for me big time. It is surprising to me just

how much anger is stirred up. This weekend, my SO and

I discussed me changing career paths. It did not go

as well as I'd hoped. We are both KOs and this is

triggering issues for him as well. We have issues

with bearing the burdens of financial support while

previous SO's have pursued their dreams at our

expense, only to leave us holding the bag in the end.

It does not help that my paycheck has always been more

substantial than his. A part of me understands that

he is reacting less than supportively out of fear. He

is in a comfort zone right now and wants it to

continue this way. He is normally supportive of

anything I want to do as long as it will make me

happy. He felt bad for even voicing what is wrong.

He has always said I'm a gifted artist and I logically

know that his lack of faith is in the market, not in

me. It would be much better if I could tell him

exactly where I'm going and present a plan that will

convince him that fiscal bases will be covered.

Then there's that other part of me that is raging

right now. How dare he expect me to continue to

swallow this day after day, like I can just go on like

this and not eventually shut down? She (this raging

persona) is not rational and she has all the power of

precedent fueling her wrath...I don't like her at all.

I feel ashamed at how callous she is...she wants to

mow down anyone that stands in her way...how BPish is

that? Alternatively, she wants to let him have his

way and fall apart so that she can say ‘I told you

so.’ That's so unworthy of someone my age, it's just

ridiculous.

I’m so upset that I don't trust myself to have further

conversation at this point. I may say something

hurtful that can never be taken back. I'm glad he's

at work right now. I think I'm going to take a bubble

bath and try to go out and do something fun on my own.

Maybe I'll tour the local historical n

monstrosity house if it's open and take my camera with

me; shop a bit; anything that will distract me from

this unhealthy anger.

Sakura

[Guest guest]

Sakura, I'm sorry you're experiencing unpleasant emotions, but, hey,

at least you KNOW you're angry (already something for a KO) and you

seem to have some very clear insights into which parts of the anger

come from being treated in a way that doesn't meet your needs and

which come perhaps more from fear of repeating the past.

I completely understand, by the way, the feeling of a SO or DH that

seems to not " get " how important the choice of career is in your life.

Since as KO's we've been expected to be responsible and not really

explore what we want, it's very difficult to have anything even

remotely resembling those moments come up again in our important

relationships. Also, it sounds like you're not married, so

technically as long as you meet your half of the expenses, I don't

really see what your SO has to say about it. I mean, I'm married, so

" my money " is actually " our money " and I feel obligated to contribute,

although my husband still understands that, asside from my family, my

number one source of stress is work and that we'll both be happier if

I'm happier professionally speaking.

That said, I'm not sure I understand your situation exactly, but is

there any way in which you could proceed in a way in which you don't

have to choose between moving towards a career that meets your

artistic needs and financial security? I believe actually that the

Artists Way has several suggestions and a whole chapter about the

misconceptions many people have about what it will mean to be an artist.

For example, I've recently decided that I miss writing articles and

working in publications, but I didn't quit teaching right away--I just

started taking some night classes on the side and developing a

portfolio. My husband and I are moving to a place where I won't

already have a job next year and we've put enough $ asside to ensure

our stability until I can find one. This would allow me to look for

something in the feild I'm hoping to move to. I've also considered

working part time at something else to bring in a steady income as I

drum up freelance business, if I get busy enough, I can always quit

the part-time job. I don't know what exactly would work for you, but

I encourage you to look for ways of going about this that don't force

you to choose, because it's not really a requirement.

Take care of yourself and let us know how this turns out.

Trish

>

> Thank you for the kind words and good wishes on

> letting my artist out. It's nice to see others

> recommending The Artist's Way so highly (even the

> checkout person at the bookstore gave the

> Cameron books glowing praise). I'm just starting the

> writing exercises and though I'm doubtful (as usual),

> I'm also hopeful that if I open my mind I will get

> something good out of it.

>

> I am finding myself in a situation that is setting off

> triggers for me big time. It is surprising to me just

> how much anger is stirred up. This weekend, my SO and

> I discussed me changing career paths. It did not go

> as well as I'd hoped. We are both KOs and this is

> triggering issues for him as well. We have issues

> with bearing the burdens of financial support while

> previous SO's have pursued their dreams at our

> expense, only to leave us holding the bag in the end.

> It does not help that my paycheck has always been more

> substantial than his. A part of me understands that

> he is reacting less than supportively out of fear. He

> is in a comfort zone right now and wants it to

> continue this way. He is normally supportive of

> anything I want to do as long as it will make me

> happy. He felt bad for even voicing what is wrong.

> He has always said I'm a gifted artist and I logically

> know that his lack of faith is in the market, not in

> me. It would be much better if I could tell him

> exactly where I'm going and present a plan that will

> convince him that fiscal bases will be covered.

>

> Then there's that other part of me that is raging

> right now. How dare he expect me to continue to

> swallow this day after day, like I can just go on like

> this and not eventually shut down? She (this raging

> persona) is not rational and she has all the power of

> precedent fueling her wrath...I don't like her at all.

> I feel ashamed at how callous she is...she wants to

> mow down anyone that stands in her way...how BPish is

> that? Alternatively, she wants to let him have his

> way and fall apart so that she can say `I told you

> so.' That's so unworthy of someone my age, it's just

> ridiculous.

>

> I'm so upset that I don't trust myself to have further

> conversation at this point. I may say something

> hurtful that can never be taken back. I'm glad he's

> at work right now. I think I'm going to take a bubble

> bath and try to go out and do something fun on my own.

> Maybe I'll tour the local historical n

> monstrosity house if it's open and take my camera with

> me; shop a bit; anything that will distract me from

> this unhealthy anger.

>

> Sakura

>