wow, finally validation

[Guest guest]

I appreciate everyone's posts and comments. Until I found this board

I really thought all these issues I had were sort of self-imposed. I

knew having a nada mother had affected me in many ways but it feels

good to know that I am not alone.

I, too, have a " normal " dh and in-laws. I was felt closer to my mil

over the six years I have been married than to my own nada. There was

no judgement, only support. She accepted me like a daughter. It was

so nice and a little difficult to learn how to be a daughter in a

normal relationship. I don't think I'll ever really get over the

feeling that people come with strings attached. My dh is the only

person i have been able to trust and lean on completely.

Unfortunately, we lost my mil this past january to cancer but she did

show me how children and moms should interact. It was a blessing to

see that.

In response to my question about reaching out to others I am beginning

to understand even more thanks to all your replys. I definitely did

not have good friendships modelled by my parents. I also always felt

that if my own mother couldn't love me unconditionally, why would

others care about me. I, too, get anxious before even calling my

oldest friends. I am working on it but I think this will be the

biggest issue I carry around for life. I was great at making friends

while younger. My friends call me the problem solver. Always helping

and fixing other people. Wonder how that happened? I tend to

over-invest in relationships and give too much without thoughts of

getting anything in return. I realize now that I easliy get used in

relationships by people because I try too hard.

So grateful to always hear from all of you! Thanks

[Guest guest]

, you were writing about yourself in regards to friendships and

wallah! a light-bulb went off for me big time, because I could have

been reading about me here. Today, as a 41 year old woman I have

difficulty maintaining and carrying on friendships. A couple of years ago I

was devastated by

the betrayal of the one woman I chose to confide in as my closet friend. I

now realize it the ease and comfort I felt in relating to her may have been

from the familiarity caused by her disorder (she had told me 'they had

diagnosed her with BPD' and that she believed she had Multiple PD), but she

seemed really nice to me. I was very vulnerable. The other thing, there

were so many things about her, which reminded me of my Mother at the same

age (33), in a number of ways. It ended up with a very bizarre twist where

this " friend " turned on me and engaged in vicious gossip, and now apparently

really does not like me at all. I never did anything to her (except try to

help her, in the way she had asked me to), so it makes no sense whatsoever,

except in the light of of PD such as this. I think perhaps I've been

collecting people with PD's for a long time. And, now I just try to keep to

myself and isolate out of self preservation. This is growth looked at in

that way.

When I was a young girl I always had lots of friends and was very outgoing.

When I was a teenager, I had about 8 " best friends " , well they all said I

was their best friend, but could not get along with my other friends, for

the most part, but I liked everyone and could get along with most people,

and had a nack for getting others to get along as well. I was always proud

of the fact, that I had brought together many of my friends, and they then

became and still are life long friends.

My best friend out of all of them died when she was 36 from alcoholism, but

we hadn't seen each other in 10 years (since I got sober). She was the only

one who I felt really knew me very well at all. She was my most special

friend.

My other 2 best friends that I've had since childhood and I'm still in

contact with, they think I am the strong one, the one they turn to help them

solve there serious problems (the problem solver?), and I do this even when

and if I am in a crisis mode myself, and do not tell them that I am, and

then wonder why people have this perception of me as never having this

problem or that problem. I have such a horrible time turning to others for

help, assistance, etc., trusting others is not my forte. If there is one

thing I learned growing up it is that if you love someone or you rely on

someone, they will let you down, it is inevitable. This was the most

enduring lesson I learned. And, I guess that is why I have such a difficult

time. It makes me feel good that others can rely on me. But, I am devasted

when others let me down.

Maybe realizing this, I can make more of an effort to renew my friendships,

for myself.

wrote:

I, too, get anxious before even calling my

> oldest friends. I am working on it but I think this will be the

> biggest issue I carry around for life. I was great at making friends

> while younger. My friends call me the problem solver. Always helping

> and fixing other people. Wonder how that happened? I tend to

> over-invest in relationships and give too much without thoughts of

> getting anything in return. I realize now that I easliy get used in

> relationships by people because I try too hard.

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>