Bpd Sacrafices

[Guest guest]

My nada often told me how she gave up her life and all her friends

for me. She always used to say " How can you be so selfish " refering

to the fact that if I had a boyfriend, friend or even a date, I was

selfishing for leaving her alone and having a tiny bit of life.

She would rage and carry on something terrible for days to beat me

into submission on limiting contact with someone or cutting them out

of my life. Of course, if it was a boyfriend she would critize him

the moment she set eyes on him and torture me for months even years,

sticking her big nose in evry relationship till it fell apart.

I often hate they fact that I allowed her to do this. At the time I

felt helpless and hopeless with her. I was under the spell and not

strong enough to get away. I had no idea she was BPD and really had

a mental disorder. I tell myself all the reasons I ended up in that

relationship with her, but I have a hard time forgiving myself for

not leaving her behind.

Has anyone else out there felt this way? How do you forgive letting

her eat a large portion of your life up?

Nada left plenty of scars and many things I must attempt to fix, but

the day she died, a black cloud was lifted from my life.

I think of her and do not miss her at all. I find it sad not to miss

your own mother. She was not much of a mother. I was nothing to her

but a means of survival in a cruel world. I suppose when I meet or

deal with a BPD, there is an inter rage and contempt for them. My

nada was such a victim that any signs of mere helplessness make me

puke. I grew up telling myself everyday that I was not going to be

anything like her. I was not a helpless victim with no control, but

I really was the helpless victim will no control, I guess.

I was a child.

[Guest guest]

My nada was always telling me when I was growing up that I was her best

friend, especially as she got older. I always told her that didn't feel

comfortable with that. That I was her daughter and she was my mother and we

weren't best friends.

I thought she should make her own friends. She doesn't have any. Of

course this always hurt her. Today she still brings up how she doesn't

understand how I can be so cruel. She thought we were also friends (I do my

mental eyeroll here). She had left behind her life for us kids, etc... yet

we were the ones who changed our plans at a moment's notice for her because

she was hurt or mad or whatever. And then five minutes later they got

changed yet again because was worried about being embarrassed. And then she

would get mad... well you get the picture. I remember one time in

highschool my nada was going to take a couple of friends and myself to this

one open house thing at an art school. But then I did something that sent

her into a rage. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I got confused

about something on the flyer or something like that- I mean it really was

something that was an honest mistake and not a huge deal. And she flew into

this rage. And then I had to call my friends and explain we couldn't go.

And then she told me to call my friends and say we were going. Of course I

found this very confusing. Couldn't she make up her mind? Put as I was

picking up the phone to call them she decided instead to hit me with the

phone several times. So after she was done pummelling me with the phone she

decided that we would all go to this outlet mall thing instead if they

wanted to come. I really didn't want to call them at this point- what if

she changed her mind again in five minutes. But she made me. So I called.

We ended up going to the mall. It was ok. Of course they were confused.

But I couldn't really bring myself to explain the whole she was busy flying

off the handle and beating me with the phone but didn't want to lose too

much face thing. Sort of embarassing because I had believed it was my fault

for messing up.

And then later she held that as an example of how she was such a wonderful

mother- driving my friends and myself all over the place to different

things. Huh?

Or how all of her choices as to lifestyle and career and so forth were done

with what was best for us kids in mind. Who asked her to do that? And it

wasn't us kids, it was my brother, but that is another story. We would have

been happier if she had done what she claimed she really wanted to do. I

suspect, however, that she did do what she wanted to do. Maybe not always,

but more and more as she got older. Her sacrifice was really just her

blaming whomever that she wasn't happy with the way things turned out.

A lot of things are her own fault. She never goes to the doctor because she

can't afford it. I get that. What I don't get is why she won't go to the

free clinic or let me pay for the checkup or whatever. She obviously has

osteoporosis (she is starting to get a hump in her back at 58) and while she

admitted it one time she is now in severe denial and gets very angry if I

bring it up. She has too much pride for charity care. My brother is now

pretty much bedridden since the accident. So I figured they would need more

help around the house. I tried to brainstorm ways to get that help- the

local church might offer some assistance, extended family in the area,

hiring a CNA, etc. When I talk to her she talks about how exhausted she is,

etc. She says so many people have offered their help and support. I say

that is great and offer to set something up for her. Of course she says

no. She wants MY help there when I can't be there. She didn't understand

why I couldn't move back home for a while, about a month before my wedding,

when I was injured myself. Then a couple weeks later when we tried to talk

about she denied she had been requesting that repeatedly. She wouldn't want

me in the house. Ok, good. So whats the problem? THe house is so much

work for her to take care of. Then move to a smaller house and lot. She

can't pay her bills- yet when I tried to send her 100 dollars she refused

the check. Won't take advice or help there. Its even my fault that certain

furniture needs replacing and so forth. All of these things are my fault

somehow. Just a small number of the sacrafices she has made.

Though I can say something good about her. As a present before she has told

me I won't have to pay her back the money she spent on me growing up, or the

other times she offered to pay for things like for medical expenses a couple

of years ago. I thought that was nice. I have gotten that same present at

least three times now on separate occasions

I also have a lot of anger. And fear and worry. Mostly I worry about my

brother because he will always need a guardian. And that situation tends to

make me frustrated and angry because of the way it traps me into certain

relationship patterns.

But I too am sick of people who are so helpless. Oh poor me, I can't hang a

picture (not my nada, but other people I know). Oh poor me, I am just too

fragile for the world, etc.

-Ata

>

>

>

> My nada often told me how she gave up her life and all her friends

> for me. She always used to say " How can you be so selfish " refering

> to the fact that if I had a boyfriend, friend or even a date, I was

> selfishing for leaving her alone and having a tiny bit of life.

> She would rage and carry on something terrible for days to beat me

> into submission on limiting contact with someone or cutting them out

> of my life. Of course, if it was a boyfriend she would critize him

> the moment she set eyes on him and torture me for months even years,

> sticking her big nose in evry relationship till it fell apart.

>

> I often hate they fact that I allowed her to do this. At the time I

> felt helpless and hopeless with her. I was under the spell and not

> strong enough to get away. I had no idea she was BPD and really had

> a mental disorder. I tell myself all the reasons I ended up in that

> relationship with her, but I have a hard time forgiving myself for

> not leaving her behind.

>

> Has anyone else out there felt this way? How do you forgive letting

> her eat a large portion of your life up?

>

> Nada left plenty of scars and many things I must attempt to fix, but

> the day she died, a black cloud was lifted from my life.

> I think of her and do not miss her at all. I find it sad not to miss

> your own mother. She was not much of a mother. I was nothing to her

> but a means of survival in a cruel world. I suppose when I meet or

> deal with a BPD, there is an inter rage and contempt for them. My

> nada was such a victim that any signs of mere helplessness make me

> puke. I grew up telling myself everyday that I was not going to be

> anything like her. I was not a helpless victim with no control, but

> I really was the helpless victim will no control, I guess.

> I was a child.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ata I thank you for sharing that phone story. I can most certainly

relate. I was walloped many times by objects not often in front of

other people I think my nada was worried about saving her own face.

But on occasion if I was scrubbing the floor or doing some other

work and we had company over she would kick me in the ass or ribs to

prove I was submissive to her. It made the people around us very

uncomfortable. But she had to prove she was strong and dominant. And

I totally can relate to you mom being the one to change her mind 500

times or using things like that to say " I'm the cool mom who takes

you guys places " when you knew it was a just something else to hold

over your head. My mom just sent me an email last Chrismas telling

me the ~ cost of raising me and how much I was but it was worth it

AWW how sweetGRRR. I hate it all. I and understand about

the " helpless people " GRRR. Love Lizzy

> >

> >

> >

> > My nada often told me how she gave up her life and all her

friends

> > for me. She always used to say " How can you be so selfish "

refering

> > to the fact that if I had a boyfriend, friend or even a date, I

was

> > selfishing for leaving her alone and having a tiny bit of life.

> > She would rage and carry on something terrible for days to beat

me

> > into submission on limiting contact with someone or cutting them

out

> > of my life. Of course, if it was a boyfriend she would critize

him

> > the moment she set eyes on him and torture me for months even

years,

> > sticking her big nose in evry relationship till it fell apart.

> >

> > I often hate they fact that I allowed her to do this. At the

time I

> > felt helpless and hopeless with her. I was under the spell and

not

> > strong enough to get away. I had no idea she was BPD and really

had

> > a mental disorder. I tell myself all the reasons I ended up in

that

> > relationship with her, but I have a hard time forgiving myself

for

> > not leaving her behind.

> >

> > Has anyone else out there felt this way? How do you forgive

letting

> > her eat a large portion of your life up?

> >

> > Nada left plenty of scars and many things I must attempt to fix,

but

> > the day she died, a black cloud was lifted from my life.

> > I think of her and do not miss her at all. I find it sad not to

miss

> > your own mother. She was not much of a mother. I was nothing to

her

> > but a means of survival in a cruel world. I suppose when I meet

or

> > deal with a BPD, there is an inter rage and contempt for them. My

> > nada was such a victim that any signs of mere helplessness make

me

> > puke. I grew up telling myself everyday that I was not going to

be

> > anything like her. I was not a helpless victim with no control,

but

> > I really was the helpless victim will no control, I guess.

> > I was a child.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>