Fish

[Guest guest]

I think that my mother has BPD. She was diagnosed as a chronic depressive over

30 years

ago. Since that time she has been sporadically for help but, for the most part,

it was the

local doctor who supplied her anti-depressants and sleeping pills without

further

questions. For a long period she regularly overdosed until one day she ended up

in the

intensive care unit near death. Afterwards, she didn't want to be admitted to a

psychiatric

unit so I helped her to lie and said that I would live at home again and watch

over her (I

was married by that time and living in another town). She would have never

forgiven me or

my father if we had let her be sectioned. She is a very strong-willed person.

That same

day, she quit the antidepressants and today takes just one or two sleeping pills

a night.

But the moods remain and the accusations and upsets increase.

I have been walking on eggshells since I was a little girl. So, when my mother

invited me,

my husband and baby daughter on holiday, I had a choice of not going and

therefore

upsetting her ( " you are ungrateful " etc.,) or going and risking potential upset

(possibly a

facial expression by my husband - a past source of conflict). I chose to go in

the (ever-

vain) hope that it would turn out alright and with the reaasoning that it would

be nice for

them to spend a week with their grandchild.

Things went fairly well until the fourth day. My parents had kindly paid for the

holiday and

supplied food for the first three days. On the third day, I went to the local

village and

bought some items to make my father his favourite breakfast and bought things he

likes

for lunch at the bakery. I also went to the butcher having mentioned that I

would buy some

fish to cook for everyone. I decided to buy two small, whole trout as it sounded

the best

thing on offer. Two fish, I thought, could be split in half for four people or

would serve two

in case my mother impulsively decided to go out to eat again.

The next day my mother was in a mood and not speaking to me. It turns out that I

should

have remembered that my father did not like freshwater fish. Furthermore, the

purchase of

just two, small fish was a completely selfish act. An argument ensued in which

my mother

(and father) reiterated my lack of consideration. I tried to defend myself by

saying that my

intentions were good. Tempers flared. The result: they left the holiday early

and we

haven't spoken since.

This is the latest example in a catalogue of upsets that are far too numerous to

list. The

last major upset occurred on Mother's Day. The card (admittedly wrong to put my

husband's name in brackets - I thought she said once that " he was not *her*

son " ) was

simply humiliating for her; the present was thoughtless (I got her favourite

music from

Amazon) as no time was involved in searching for it. The result of the ensuing

row: she slit

her wrists. The conclusion: I drove her to it.

When I am ill or upset or in trouble my mother shows me great sympathy. The rest

of the

time it is never very long before I am one of the worst people in the world. The

same

pattern applies to all the people she knows. If I am not defending myself on the

telephone

then I am having to hear about someone else's crimes and misdemeanours, and woe

betide if I defend them or try to convey their viewpoint. I ring my mother all

the time. She

rings me to complain about me or for counselling. As for my father, I don't know

him

anymore.

I've decided not to contact them. I'm so tired of it all. I can't seem to do the

right thing

ever, even though I am sure that I try. At the same time, I can't get rid of the

feeling that

I'm a bad person and as the non-depressive should make the effort to bridge

things again.

Also, I can't imagine being without them.

I'm writing this because my husband (highly rational and sane person that he is)

does not

understand my conflicting emotions. He is truly surprised at their behaviour (I

have not

told him about many things that have happened over the years) and he thinks that

I should

not feel unhappy at cutting ties.

Are my experiences familiar to anyone?

[Guest guest]

HEY THIS KATHY, I'M NEW TO THE GROUP AND SEEKING SUPPORT AND TO SHARE

EXPERIENCES WITH PEOPLE IN THE SAME BOAT. I HAVE READ YOUR STORY AND

IT MADE ME BREATH A SIGH OF RELIEF, I'M NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL. WHEN YOU

TALKED ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE GONE THREW? WOW! MY MOM ( DAD PASSED WHEN

I WAS FOUR) IS JUST LIKE THAT, I CALL IT THE KISS/SLAP GAME. " I LOVE

YOU YOU STUPID BITCH " GAME AND I'M SO TIRED OF IT. YES! I LOVE HER,

SHE'S ALL I GOT, NO ONE ELSE, I MISS HER AND I'M GLAD SHE'S NOT

SPEAKING TO ME NOW BECAUSE I HAVE PEACE (SMILE). DON'T THINK ILL OF

ME BUT I KIND DREAD SPEAKING TO HER AGAIN. I HAVE (WITH ALOT OF

COUNSELING AS A RESULT OF DEPRESSION BECAUSE OF MY MOM) COME TO

REALIZE THAT I AM A WONDERFUL MOM AND WIFE AND FRIEND ANS SO ON

HONEY. I LOVE ME BABY, (LOL). BUT ANYWAY, YES I CAN RELATE AND MY

PRYERS ARE WITH YOU HON. IN ALL HONESTY, YOU ARE IN A LOSING BATTLE

IN THIS AND WHEN YOU FINALLY REALIZE THAT, THAT'S WHEN YOU WILL BE

FREE AND BE ABLE TO COME AT HER A DIFFERENT WAY. WITH MY MOM, I TRY

TO KEEP HER OUT OF MY GENERAL LIFE, SHE ONLY KNOWS THE BASICS, SHE

CAN TALK TO MY SON WHEN SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD ONLY! AND I TRY NOT TO

BE AROUND HER FOR MORE THAN 2 OR 3 DAYS IN A ROW ( SHE LIVES IN NJ

AND I LIVE IN NC). I ALSO (AND THIS TOOK A LONG TIME TO LEARN,

BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING)LEARNED TO BREAK A CONVERSATION WHEN

SHE STARTS TO BE COME HEATED, LIKE " OH LET ME CALL YOU BACK SOMEONES

AT THE DOOR " AND SO ON. YOU MUST LEARN TO MASTER THIS SKILL, FOR YOUR

OWN SANITY HON. ANYWAY, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK AND IF ANYTHING I

SAID HELPED YOU, I HOPE SO. GOD BLESS AND MUCH LOVE AND GOOOOOD LUCK

(SMILE).

KATHY

[Guest guest]

, I felt just as you did when I began to post here. I felt so

guilty to tell the truth about my nada. It took a while before I

could use that term (nada) and I felt I was betraying my mother.

Really I had spent my whole life betraying myself. I still have

contact with my nada, but I no longer feel guilt in relation to her.

If I hadn't faced the truth about her and opened myself up to accept

that truth, I would still be feeling guilty and stressed all the time.

Gratefully, I no longer feel that way.

I am much healthier. Seek your own emotional well being and in time

you will be much happier. You have the right to a life of your own on

your own terms. Eventually, you will know that for yourself, if you

are willing to see the truth.

I feel for you and see myself in you. I have been posting for

somewhere over a year now and have grown so much. Stay with us and

read and learn all you can about Borderline Personality Disorder. You

owe this to yourself and your children and husband. Dee

[Guest guest]

Rebeca,

I just read your other posts and wanted to comment that your mother's

suicide attempt sounds very weak to me. Had she been serious about

killing herself she would not have called you to tell you she was

bleeding. These people use the threat and weak attempt at suicide to

manipulate others. You have been manipulated into believing she will

die if you don't do everything she wants you to. She couldn't have

cut herself very deeply if your Dad had time to come home from work

and bandage her and put her to bed. Had she been serious about dying,

she would have cut much deeper and would not have called anyone.

You must see this for what it is. My mother is very manipulative and

self-centered too. I no longer take a moment's concern when she tries

to blame me or make me feel guilty. Have you thought about finding a

good therapist who understands BPD to help you out of the prison you

are in?

The problem with not facing these things is that you will pass on to

your children an unhealthy emotional understanding of themselves. I

have been shocked to see the real me as I came to understand what

having a mother like mine had done to me. I am working daily on being

more healthy emotionally. I am doing well and have never been

happier. My relationship with my own children has improved and our

love and respect for each other has blossomed because of the changes I

have made in myself. I can't change my mother, but I can change ME.Dee