Re: Do any other poster here worry that they may have BPD

[Guest guest]

I sometimes do wonder the same thing, but I do think the key, like you

said, to knowing we don't have BPD is honest inward reflection and

heart-felt apologies.

I think that not being able to handle certain situations, or having

anger issues, or other issues, mostly stem from as children not having

been taught how to (or observed how to) deal with such situations in a

healthy way. We must re-learn & teach ourselves, and making an effort

& caring about how our actions affect others (not just what others

think about us) is something we can observe in ourselves that's

definitely not BPD.

I also think that people here find multiple family members with BPD

for different reasons.

For one; from what I've read, it can run in families.

For two; we are extra sensitive because we know what BPD is, and we

can see the signs that most other people might brush off.

And for three; for some people who grew up in a BPD household, they

thought it was normal, or became used to it, or both. They may wind

up marrying someone with traits similar to their own parents because

of this. Sometimes realizing a parent has BPD can release a cascade

of awareness of why other non-family relationships are the way they are.

I definitely have concerns of being mentally unstable due to my

upbringing, but I've known people who are DEFINITELY mentally unstable

who had perfectly healthy childhood homes, so ya never really know

anyhow. I figure, as long as I have a few relationships in my life

that are healthy in my eyes (people who actually want to spend time

with me & don't fight with me), then I must be doin something right,

and as long as I have them to talk to, I'll be ok. If something goes

wrong in my life where those relationships disappear, then I think I'd

seek out professional help again.

>

> Sometimes I think back over behaviors that I have had that are a lot

> like nada. I notice them on the spot and notify myself that it is

> nada coming through my mouth and not what I would choose to do or say

> if I did not have such a wacked out mother/childhood. I deeply

> contemplate things that I may have done to cause a situation to go

> sour and really look to see if I genuinely need to appologize to some

> one or just make a 'note to self' on how to do better. So far so

> good, but only because I am very honest with myself about things

> (ohterwise why bother, I could be just like nada and figure a way to

> be blameless).

>

> I know that nada would N*E*V*E*R look at anything she does or says

> and seek to improve on her reactions to have a better relationship

> with others. I have looked into these concerns with profesionals by

> my side who say that I am totaly OK (for someone with my parents).

>

> I have watched nada deteriorate and wonder if the same fate awaits

> me. I do a self check and will humbly appologize for the stupid

> things that I may have done/said out of anger or fear. I can't help

> but think 'what if those tiny over reactions that we all have to one

> degree or another, just by being human, may eventually slide into

> some horrible version of OZ that I may perpetuate?'.

>

> Some times people do little things that make me livid and I have to

> stop and remind myself that they probably didn't realize that it

> bothered me and that it was not a direct attack on me. Becuase after

> all the world does not revolve around me (just nada). When I chill

> out and do nothing but let it slide I realize that I was way over

> sensative and if I would have reacted at the time I probably would

> have damaged a very dear/healthy relationship.

>

> I don't beat myself up and sometimes it is very obvious that a

> situation would go south no matter what I did. I don't let people

> walk on me or appologize for things as if I am always to blame when

> life gets stressful.

>

> I see some posts about having everyone in their family and families

> that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have to

> wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

> issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for BPD or

> are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

> inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD.

>

> Do any of you have the same concerns of having BPD? If not what about

> concerns over just being mentally unstable due to a lack of propper

> upbringing?

>

[Guest guest]

You wrote:

" I see some posts about having everyone in their family and families

that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have to

wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for BPD or

are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD. "

Believe me, I look at myself all the time for this.

I can look back at when I was 17-21, just coming out from under the

worst of nada's influence, and see some behaviors that were BPD. But

to a one, I think they were fleas. They simply do not happen if I am

not around people with BPD. I surely spent the majority of the time

blaming MYSELF for them, and for the situations they caused/sprang

from, letting those around me get away blameless--which was just how

they wanted it.

I do think they were magnetized to me, both by behavior-signals that

I sent out (advertizing subtly that my role in life was to be the

shit-on caretaker) and karmically, forcing me to turn around and deal

with the original problem--nada. I would probably have kept trying to

run away from that without really cutting it loose, if the

mistreatment from everyone else hadn't become so overwhelming that I

was forced to take a good look at its roots.

Sometimes it does seem that everyone I've known has BPD. And maybe

many of them have, higher than regular probability. But I find that

the more I deal with them head on--by going NC when I can, and

boundaries with the others--the fewer seem to spring up.

Maybe I'm finally getting the hang of this.

Love,

Vi

>

> Sometimes I think back over behaviors that I have had that are a lot

> like nada. I notice them on the spot and notify myself that it is

> nada coming through my mouth and not what I would choose to do or say

> if I did not have such a wacked out mother/childhood. I deeply

> contemplate things that I may have done to cause a situation to go

> sour and really look to see if I genuinely need to appologize to some

> one or just make a 'note to self' on how to do better. So far so

> good, but only because I am very honest with myself about things

> (ohterwise why bother, I could be just like nada and figure a way to

> be blameless).

>

> I know that nada would N*E*V*E*R look at anything she does or says

> and seek to improve on her reactions to have a better relationship

> with others. I have looked into these concerns with profesionals by

> my side who say that I am totaly OK (for someone with my parents).

>

> I have watched nada deteriorate and wonder if the same fate awaits

> me. I do a self check and will humbly appologize for the stupid

> things that I may have done/said out of anger or fear. I can't help

> but think 'what if those tiny over reactions that we all have to one

> degree or another, just by being human, may eventually slide into

> some horrible version of OZ that I may perpetuate?'.

>

> Some times people do little things that make me livid and I have to

> stop and remind myself that they probably didn't realize that it

> bothered me and that it was not a direct attack on me. Becuase after

> all the world does not revolve around me (just nada). When I chill

> out and do nothing but let it slide I realize that I was way over

> sensative and if I would have reacted at the time I probably would

> have damaged a very dear/healthy relationship.

>

> I don't beat myself up and sometimes it is very obvious that a

> situation would go south no matter what I did. I don't let people

> walk on me or appologize for things as if I am always to blame when

> life gets stressful.

>

> I see some posts about having everyone in their family and families

> that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have to

> wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

> issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for BPD or

> are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

> inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD.

>

> Do any of you have the same concerns of having BPD? If not what about

> concerns over just being mentally unstable due to a lack of propper

> upbringing?

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I have often wondered if I am just like my nada. There have

been times I have done or said something, and then later fell apart

because I saw traits of my nada in my words or actions. But like you

said, our ability to see this and then make things right proves we

are not our BPD family members. Of course we are all a little

unsteady in our emotional health (I like that better than unstable),

because we lived years of abuse, chaos, and total confusion growing

up. The difference is we are here looking for help and helping each

other. I knew things weren't right for a very long time as a child.

And at 17 years old, I made a decision not to have children. Why?

Because I was so afraid I would be like my nada. Isn't that sad?

Know that you are not alone in your feelings. But also know that

you've taken the steps to stop the circle of abuse, and be happy.

Easier said than done sometimes, but we all deserve to be happy and

proud of ourselves.

>

> Sometimes I think back over behaviors that I have had that are a

lot

> like nada. I notice them on the spot and notify myself that it is

> nada coming through my mouth and not what I would choose to do or

say

> if I did not have such a wacked out mother/childhood. I deeply

> contemplate things that I may have done to cause a situation to go

> sour and really look to see if I genuinely need to appologize to

some

> one or just make a 'note to self' on how to do better. So far so

> good, but only because I am very honest with myself about things

> (ohterwise why bother, I could be just like nada and figure a way

to

> be blameless).

>

> I know that nada would N*E*V*E*R look at anything she does or says

> and seek to improve on her reactions to have a better relationship

> with others. I have looked into these concerns with profesionals by

> my side who say that I am totaly OK (for someone with my parents).

>

> I have watched nada deteriorate and wonder if the same fate awaits

> me. I do a self check and will humbly appologize for the stupid

> things that I may have done/said out of anger or fear. I can't help

> but think 'what if those tiny over reactions that we all have to

one

> degree or another, just by being human, may eventually slide into

> some horrible version of OZ that I may perpetuate?'.

>

> Some times people do little things that make me livid and I have to

> stop and remind myself that they probably didn't realize that it

> bothered me and that it was not a direct attack on me. Becuase

after

> all the world does not revolve around me (just nada). When I chill

> out and do nothing but let it slide I realize that I was way over

> sensative and if I would have reacted at the time I probably would

> have damaged a very dear/healthy relationship.

>

> I don't beat myself up and sometimes it is very obvious that a

> situation would go south no matter what I did. I don't let people

> walk on me or appologize for things as if I am always to blame when

> life gets stressful.

>

> I see some posts about having everyone in their family and families

> that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have to

> wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

> issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for BPD

or

> are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

> inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD.

>

> Do any of you have the same concerns of having BPD? If not what

about

> concerns over just being mentally unstable due to a lack of propper

> upbringing?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow what great replies. I know that we all seem to have had horrible

childhoods to one degree or another, but I personally know that nada is

really lost and I want to really focus on the future of my " chosen

family " , as one poster put it. I don't care if I end up alone as much

as I don't want my children to be with out parental support for as long

as they need it be they 10 or 40 years old.

[Guest guest]

I saw lucinda_kat's message and empathised with the bit that

said " there have been times I have done or said something, and then

later fell apart because I saw traits of my nada in my words or actions " .

The other week a close friend had a phone call from the ex-wife of his

brother and had to leave doing my garden - which resembles a jungle at

the moment - to return to London to help out with a crisis. I resented

this strongly at the time and told him so. However, he's a very good

friend and understood what was happening. I felt rejected and

abandoned for " somebody more important " , which is the kind of

behaviour my nada exhibits. I apologised to him and he was fine with it.

I think as long as you can acknowledge and take responsibility for your

behaviour, which is something my nada can never do, then at least

you're going someway to undoing the damage that's been done to you.

Like lucinda_kat I chose not to have children and do feel sad about it,

but can empathise with her fear that the cycle of abuse would be

carried over into the next generation. I didn't want my children to feel

as I did.

Jeanie

- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " lucinda_kat "

wrote:

>

> Yes, I have often wondered if I am just like my nada. There have

> been times I have done or said something, and then later fell apart

> because I saw traits of my nada in my words or actions. But like you

> said, our ability to see this and then make things right proves we

> are not our BPD family members. Of course we are all a little

> unsteady in our emotional health (I like that better than unstable),

> because we lived years of abuse, chaos, and total confusion growing

> up. The difference is we are here looking for help and helping each

> other. I knew things weren't right for a very long time as a child.

> And at 17 years old, I made a decision not to have children. Why?

> Because I was so afraid I would be like my nada. Isn't that sad?

> Know that you are not alone in your feelings. But also know that

> you've taken the steps to stop the circle of abuse, and be happy.

> Easier said than done sometimes, but we all deserve to be happy

and

> proud of ourselves.

> >

> > Sometimes I think back over behaviors that I have had that are a

> lot

> > like nada. I notice them on the spot and notify myself that it is

> > nada coming through my mouth and not what I would choose to do

or

> say

> > if I did not have such a wacked out mother/childhood. I deeply

> > contemplate things that I may have done to cause a situation to go

> > sour and really look to see if I genuinely need to appologize to

> some

> > one or just make a 'note to self' on how to do better. So far so

> > good, but only because I am very honest with myself about things

> > (ohterwise why bother, I could be just like nada and figure a way

> to

> > be blameless).

> >

> > I know that nada would N*E*V*E*R look at anything she does or

says

> > and seek to improve on her reactions to have a better relationship

> > with others. I have looked into these concerns with profesionals by

> > my side who say that I am totaly OK (for someone with my

parents).

> >

> > I have watched nada deteriorate and wonder if the same fate awaits

> > me. I do a self check and will humbly appologize for the stupid

> > things that I may have done/said out of anger or fear. I can't help

> > but think 'what if those tiny over reactions that we all have to

> one

> > degree or another, just by being human, may eventually slide into

> > some horrible version of OZ that I may perpetuate?'.

> >

> > Some times people do little things that make me livid and I have to

> > stop and remind myself that they probably didn't realize that it

> > bothered me and that it was not a direct attack on me. Becuase

> after

> > all the world does not revolve around me (just nada). When I chill

> > out and do nothing but let it slide I realize that I was way over

> > sensative and if I would have reacted at the time I probably would

> > have damaged a very dear/healthy relationship.

> >

> > I don't beat myself up and sometimes it is very obvious that a

> > situation would go south no matter what I did. I don't let people

> > walk on me or appologize for things as if I am always to blame

when

> > life gets stressful.

> >

> > I see some posts about having everyone in their family and

families

> > that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have to

> > wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

> > issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for

BPD

> or

> > are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

> > inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD.

> >

> > Do any of you have the same concerns of having BPD? If not what

> about

> > concerns over just being mentally unstable due to a lack of propper

> > upbringing?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh boy, do I ever! When my therapist suggested it sounded like my

mother was BPD, I immediately looked it up and started to panic.

I think I've had a lot of those feelings, but am better at not acting

on them than my nada is. Or at least, it seems like she feels very

free to dump her rage and/or tears on me.

I did have a very healthy boyfriend relationship when I was 20 that

lasted almost 2 years, and I look at that and think, " Well, it must be

possible for me to make that happen again. " But then I think, he just

fell out of love with me after having a crush on me for 6 years, so

what's to say everyone won't just get tired of me?

*sigh*

The weekend before last, two people had said " we should get together

on Sunday. I'll call you. " And both blew me off. One is a flake,

and sadly, as much as I enjoy her company, when she says " I'll call

you " I have stopped expecting it.

Anyway, so I was kinda disappointed on Sunday. Then I went to work

and this girl was talking about how she wanted to find this action

figure and I offered to go with her at lunch and help her. She said

no she was too busy had other things to do at lunch. Then I was on

the phone for a while. I got off and started working again in time to

hear the two gals I work with ask the guy I work with if he wanted to

go to lunch with them. He said no and they asked are you sure and he

said no thanks.

Then they left without inviting me. There are only 4 people in this

pod, and I was the only one who wasn't invited.

I knew they were going for sushi and though maybe they think there are

no vegetarian options, and when they returned the other gal said, " hey

you should come with us next time, they had veg rolls. " She said it

as soon as she returned, maybe realizing I might feel hurt.

This job is only 6 months new to me, and I just felt defeated, like I

am so tired of trying to connect to people. I didn't want to " punish "

them,, like I may have in the past, but I just withdrew. Put my

headphones on and went to work. I was in a funk. Then by Wed, the

girl who had blown me off asked me if I was okay and I said yes and

she said I'd been quiet and " I miss you. "

I could tell she was sincere, and I thought, " God, I am really crazy.

I thought she was annoyed with me (nada was always annoyed with me),

and so I backed off. " But was it just a series of coincidences? Am I

that unable to determine reality? I told my chiropractor that I was

tired of trying (but did not tell her the story) and she said, " so

stop trying. just be. "

By Friday, everyone was asking me what was wrong and my boss was

emailing me saying everyone was bugging him about why is Deanna so

quiet. Many years ago I would have felt vindicated, but now I didn't.

I just felt bad for worrying them. And I wasn't snippy last week,

just quiet. So if I wasn't enjoying the drama and felt bad for

worrying everyone, does that mean I'm getting better?

*sigh*

I guess there is a spot between being a pest for attention, and

throwing in the towel completely, and I need to find that spot, where

I make contact, but stop trying so hard (?).

So yeah, I worry I'm not so healthy either. And I am embarrassed by

this story, but maybe it'll help someone.

-Deanna

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

As usual, someone on this board appears to have crawled into my

brain and given a voice to " my " anxieties.

I have been Terrified of repeating the cycle, and I have definitely

exhibited a great number of BPD traits at one time of another. In

fact, I can think of at least 2 times in my life when an outsider-

looking-in could have guessed I WAS a BP.

However. I believe 2 things separate me from BPD on these things: I

didn't know any better and I didn't think I deserved any better.

1) These times in my life were some of the most stressful and

difficult I had encountered, and (I was only doing what I knew how

to do in a crisis: Lose It. That's how crises were managed in our OZ

and it never really occurred to me that people might not say, scream

like banshees and tear out their hair over these things. Most

importantly, I KNEW (as a young, young child) that it was NOT RIGHT.

I wanted to be as different from nada as possible and I hated myself

as I engaged in those behaviors. Which leads me to my second point:

2) Understanding that I hate(d?) myself was the biggest revelation

of my life, and this was way before I knew about BPD. I realized

this when I couldn't figure out why I took up smoking as a means to

deal with my grandmother's lung cancer. The more I thought and

prayed on it, it became undeniable: I hated myself and I didn't

think I deserved any better, so I was self-destructive. I beat my

body, starved myself, denied myself perfectly reasonable things, and

smoked all in an effort to self-destruct.

It's amazing how unappealing smoking became when I could equate

lighting up with grabbing a razor and cutting myself.

Now that I know better, I am learning to do better. I know I

sometimes act out on myself and do not treat myself like a child of

God (sorry if that offends anyone; it's my opinion only!), so I am

now consciously learning how to love myself (FlyLady is great for

this). Now that I know there are other acceptable reactions, I am

learning them.

Ok, I ran long - sorry. Just saying, yeah I've had those fears, but

I think the key to not being BPD is knowing it's not OK and taking

steps to remove the presence from your life.

*hugs*

>

> Sometimes I think back over behaviors that I have had that are a

lot

> like nada. I notice them on the spot and notify myself that it is

> nada coming through my mouth and not what I would choose to do or

say

> if I did not have such a wacked out mother/childhood. I deeply

> contemplate things that I may have done to cause a situation to go

> sour and really look to see if I genuinely need to appologize to

some

> one or just make a 'note to self' on how to do better. So far so

> good, but only because I am very honest with myself about things

> (ohterwise why bother, I could be just like nada and figure a way

to

> be blameless).

>

> I know that nada would N*E*V*E*R look at anything she does or says

> and seek to improve on her reactions to have a better relationship

> with others. I have looked into these concerns with profesionals

by

> my side who say that I am totaly OK (for someone with my parents).

>

> I have watched nada deteriorate and wonder if the same fate awaits

> me. I do a self check and will humbly appologize for the stupid

> things that I may have done/said out of anger or fear. I can't

help

> but think 'what if those tiny over reactions that we all have to

one

> degree or another, just by being human, may eventually slide into

> some horrible version of OZ that I may perpetuate?'.

>

> Some times people do little things that make me livid and I have

to

> stop and remind myself that they probably didn't realize that it

> bothered me and that it was not a direct attack on me. Becuase

after

> all the world does not revolve around me (just nada). When I chill

> out and do nothing but let it slide I realize that I was way over

> sensative and if I would have reacted at the time I probably would

> have damaged a very dear/healthy relationship.

>

> I don't beat myself up and sometimes it is very obvious that a

> situation would go south no matter what I did. I don't let people

> walk on me or appologize for things as if I am always to blame

when

> life gets stressful.

>

> I see some posts about having everyone in their family and

families

> that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have

to

> wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

> issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for BPD

or

> are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

> inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD.

>

> Do any of you have the same concerns of having BPD? If not what

about

> concerns over just being mentally unstable due to a lack of

propper

> upbringing?

>

[Guest guest]

You said; " I guess there is a spot between being a pest for attention,

and throwing in the towel completely, and I need to find that spot,

where I make contact, but stop trying so hard (?). "

I can't say I have an answer, but I've definitely felt the same way.

There's that line I often feel afraid to cross; do I stick my neck out

& say " hey, can I come too? " and do I make the call when somebody else

has forgotten to call me? Often, I wonder/worry if they are leaving

me out on purpose? If so, what did I do to offend them? And so

starts a spiral downward in my mind.

The answer usually is just that people are scatterbrained. But when

we come from a family where we were surrounded by hidden agendas, and

conflicting words of false flattery or hurtful lies, it makes

socializing difficult! We second guess what people are saying, and

how they're acting towards us; we're looking for something to

second-guess when there often isn't something there. (And I think

workplace gossip also makes it worse; if they're talking about so-n-so

behind his/her back, I worry they probably talk about me behind my

back too...)

Oh, and it hurts me to see you write " so what's to say everyone won't

just get tired of me? " Most people have had a long-term relationship

fall apart for various reasons (romantic or otherwise), but that

doesn't mean we stop looking for people who bring meaning to our

lives. You have to love yourself first though. My husband's favorite

response to when I say " I love you, " is " I love me too! " And while

it's somewhat annoying, it's something we all need to remember to do;

love ourselves first.

>

> Oh boy, do I ever! When my therapist suggested it sounded like my

> mother was BPD, I immediately looked it up and started to panic.

>

> I think I've had a lot of those feelings, but am better at not acting

> on them than my nada is. Or at least, it seems like she feels very

> free to dump her rage and/or tears on me.

>

> I did have a very healthy boyfriend relationship when I was 20 that

> lasted almost 2 years, and I look at that and think, " Well, it must be

> possible for me to make that happen again. " But then I think, he just

> fell out of love with me after having a crush on me for 6 years, so

> what's to say everyone won't just get tired of me?

>

> *sigh*

>

> The weekend before last, two people had said " we should get together

> on Sunday. I'll call you. " And both blew me off. One is a flake,

> and sadly, as much as I enjoy her company, when she says " I'll call

> you " I have stopped expecting it.

>

> Anyway, so I was kinda disappointed on Sunday. Then I went to work

> and this girl was talking about how she wanted to find this action

> figure and I offered to go with her at lunch and help her. She said

> no she was too busy had other things to do at lunch. Then I was on

> the phone for a while. I got off and started working again in time to

> hear the two gals I work with ask the guy I work with if he wanted to

> go to lunch with them. He said no and they asked are you sure and he

> said no thanks.

>

> Then they left without inviting me. There are only 4 people in this

> pod, and I was the only one who wasn't invited.

>

> I knew they were going for sushi and though maybe they think there are

> no vegetarian options, and when they returned the other gal said, " hey

> you should come with us next time, they had veg rolls. " She said it

> as soon as she returned, maybe realizing I might feel hurt.

>

> This job is only 6 months new to me, and I just felt defeated, like I

> am so tired of trying to connect to people. I didn't want to " punish "

> them,, like I may have in the past, but I just withdrew. Put my

> headphones on and went to work. I was in a funk. Then by Wed, the

> girl who had blown me off asked me if I was okay and I said yes and

> she said I'd been quiet and " I miss you. "

>

> I could tell she was sincere, and I thought, " God, I am really crazy.

> I thought she was annoyed with me (nada was always annoyed with me),

> and so I backed off. " But was it just a series of coincidences? Am I

> that unable to determine reality? I told my chiropractor that I was

> tired of trying (but did not tell her the story) and she said, " so

> stop trying. just be. "

>

> By Friday, everyone was asking me what was wrong and my boss was

> emailing me saying everyone was bugging him about why is Deanna so

> quiet. Many years ago I would have felt vindicated, but now I didn't.

> I just felt bad for worrying them. And I wasn't snippy last week,

> just quiet. So if I wasn't enjoying the drama and felt bad for

> worrying everyone, does that mean I'm getting better?

>

> *sigh*

>

> I guess there is a spot between being a pest for attention, and

> throwing in the towel completely, and I need to find that spot, where

> I make contact, but stop trying so hard (?).

>

> So yeah, I worry I'm not so healthy either. And I am embarrassed by

> this story, but maybe it'll help someone.

>

> -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your reply Kath. Yes, I considered inviting myself, but

didn't want to be a pest! I don't want to make someone feel they have

to take me with them when they go somewhere, but it was seriously rude

to not invite me. But going because you invited yourself is such a

hollow victory...

You know, my nada was way tired of me, at an age so tender that I do

not even have a memory in my mind of a time before that (maybe it

started a half hour after birth, when the hormonal rush went

away...who knows?). I don't want to keep " blaming " her for my issues.

I am just now putting this stuff together though.

Yeah, it hurts me to SAY that I'm worried everyone will just get tired

of me. Not sure how to get past that, or any millions of other things.

-Deanna

>

> You said; " I guess there is a spot between being a pest for attention,

> and throwing in the towel completely, and I need to find that spot,

> where I make contact, but stop trying so hard (?). "

>

> I can't say I have an answer, but I've definitely felt the same way.

>

> There's that line I often feel afraid to cross; do I stick my neck out

> & say " hey, can I come too? " and do I make the call when somebody else

> has forgotten to call me? Often, I wonder/worry if they are leaving

> me out on purpose? If so, what did I do to offend them? And so

> starts a spiral downward in my mind.

>

> The answer usually is just that people are scatterbrained. But when

> we come from a family where we were surrounded by hidden agendas, and

> conflicting words of false flattery or hurtful lies, it makes

> socializing difficult! We second guess what people are saying, and

> how they're acting towards us; we're looking for something to

> second-guess when there often isn't something there. (And I think

> workplace gossip also makes it worse; if they're talking about so-n-so

> behind his/her back, I worry they probably talk about me behind my

> back too...)

>

> Oh, and it hurts me to see you write " so what's to say everyone won't

> just get tired of me? " Most people have had a long-term relationship

> fall apart for various reasons (romantic or otherwise), but that

> doesn't mean we stop looking for people who bring meaning to our

> lives. You have to love yourself first though. My husband's favorite

> response to when I say " I love you, " is " I love me too! " And while

> it's somewhat annoying, it's something we all need to remember to do;

> love ourselves first.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Really - none of y'all are because you are thoughtfull and do express

concern over whether or not you have BPD. A true BPD would not even

consider the possibility of having it in the first place.

Ann

>

> Sometimes I think back over behaviors that I have had that are a

lot

> like nada. I notice them on the spot and notify myself that it is

> nada coming through my mouth and not what I would choose to do or

say

> if I did not have such a wacked out mother/childhood. I deeply

> contemplate things that I may have done to cause a situation to go

> sour and really look to see if I genuinely need to appologize to

some

> one or just make a 'note to self' on how to do better. So far so

> good, but only because I am very honest with myself about things

> (ohterwise why bother, I could be just like nada and figure a way

to

> be blameless).

>

> I know that nada would N*E*V*E*R look at anything she does or says

> and seek to improve on her reactions to have a better relationship

> with others. I have looked into these concerns with profesionals by

> my side who say that I am totaly OK (for someone with my parents).

>

> I have watched nada deteriorate and wonder if the same fate awaits

> me. I do a self check and will humbly appologize for the stupid

> things that I may have done/said out of anger or fear. I can't help

> but think 'what if those tiny over reactions that we all have to

one

> degree or another, just by being human, may eventually slide into

> some horrible version of OZ that I may perpetuate?'.

>

> Some times people do little things that make me livid and I have to

> stop and remind myself that they probably didn't realize that it

> bothered me and that it was not a direct attack on me. Becuase

after

> all the world does not revolve around me (just nada). When I chill

> out and do nothing but let it slide I realize that I was way over

> sensative and if I would have reacted at the time I probably would

> have damaged a very dear/healthy relationship.

>

> I don't beat myself up and sometimes it is very obvious that a

> situation would go south no matter what I did. I don't let people

> walk on me or appologize for things as if I am always to blame when

> life gets stressful.

>

> I see some posts about having everyone in their family and families

> that they have married into and friends who all have BPD. I have to

> wonder how that many people in one person's life could have this

> issue and what a coinsidence that they would be a magnate for BPD

or

> are the posters themselves having issues, and instead of looking

> inward, look to diagnose everyone thay clash with as BPD.

>

> Do any of you have the same concerns of having BPD? If not what

about

> concerns over just being mentally unstable due to a lack of propper

> upbringing?

>

[Guest guest]

i have worried and sometimes i still worry from time to time. to

deanna- my gosh, you and i are the same person. i completely retreat

and withdraw in those situations. (i'm also vegetarian!) i've always

felt that i annoy people as well - nada was ALWAYS bothered by me.

this in turn has made me a very irritable person. sometimes it makes

me feel bad for my husband.

anyway, us KO's are just hyper-sensitive and take things very

personally. it sounds like your co-workers had nothing against you as

your story unfolded. but it's funny how we jump to the worst

conclusion in very neutral situations...there must be something wrong

with US, right? no. i think therapy is great in dealing with those

type of thoughts. as far as the flaky thing - man, i get that too.

that took a while for me to not take it personal. luckily where i

live, that's just how people are. it's not you, sweetie.

sorry if this is coming across real half-ass. i'm in a terrible

emotional mess right now but i wanted to respond to this post!

someone said that if you are thinking that you might have BPD, you are

most likely not. my therapist said that as a child of a borderline it

is only natural to absorb some of the behaviors. this doesn't mean you

are a borderline....

hope that helps.

much love,

christine.

>

> Oh boy, do I ever! When my therapist suggested it sounded like my

> mother was BPD, I immediately looked it up and started to panic.

>

> I think I've had a lot of those feelings, but am better at not acting

> on them than my nada is. Or at least, it seems like she feels very

> free to dump her rage and/or tears on me.

>

> I did have a very healthy boyfriend relationship when I was 20 that

> lasted almost 2 years, and I look at that and think, " Well, it must be

> possible for me to make that happen again. " But then I think, he just

> fell out of love with me after having a crush on me for 6 years, so

> what's to say everyone won't just get tired of me?

>

> *sigh*

>

> The weekend before last, two people had said " we should get together

> on Sunday. I'll call you. " And both blew me off. One is a flake,

> and sadly, as much as I enjoy her company, when she says " I'll call

> you " I have stopped expecting it.

>

> Anyway, so I was kinda disappointed on Sunday. Then I went to work

> and this girl was talking about how she wanted to find this action

> figure and I offered to go with her at lunch and help her. She said

> no she was too busy had other things to do at lunch. Then I was on

> the phone for a while. I got off and started working again in time to

> hear the two gals I work with ask the guy I work with if he wanted to

> go to lunch with them. He said no and they asked are you sure and he

> said no thanks.

>

> Then they left without inviting me. There are only 4 people in this

> pod, and I was the only one who wasn't invited.

>

> I knew they were going for sushi and though maybe they think there are

> no vegetarian options, and when they returned the other gal said, " hey

> you should come with us next time, they had veg rolls. " She said it

> as soon as she returned, maybe realizing I might feel hurt.

>

> This job is only 6 months new to me, and I just felt defeated, like I

> am so tired of trying to connect to people. I didn't want to " punish "

> them,, like I may have in the past, but I just withdrew. Put my

> headphones on and went to work. I was in a funk. Then by Wed, the

> girl who had blown me off asked me if I was okay and I said yes and

> she said I'd been quiet and " I miss you. "

>

> I could tell she was sincere, and I thought, " God, I am really crazy.

> I thought she was annoyed with me (nada was always annoyed with me),

> and so I backed off. " But was it just a series of coincidences? Am I

> that unable to determine reality? I told my chiropractor that I was

> tired of trying (but did not tell her the story) and she said, " so

> stop trying. just be. "

>

> By Friday, everyone was asking me what was wrong and my boss was

> emailing me saying everyone was bugging him about why is Deanna so

> quiet. Many years ago I would have felt vindicated, but now I didn't.

> I just felt bad for worrying them. And I wasn't snippy last week,

> just quiet. So if I wasn't enjoying the drama and felt bad for

> worrying everyone, does that mean I'm getting better?

>

> *sigh*

>

> I guess there is a spot between being a pest for attention, and

> throwing in the towel completely, and I need to find that spot, where

> I make contact, but stop trying so hard (?).

>

> So yeah, I worry I'm not so healthy either. And I am embarrassed by

> this story, but maybe it'll help someone.

>

> -Deanna

>