Re: how to choose a therapist

[Guest guest]

I try to write down what I expect to accomplish and bring it up when

they ask me why I came.

For instance when I was diagnosed with ADD I didn't want to take

medication so when I went to the first session I stated my goal was to

find ways to cope with ADD with out medication.

When I said this to my primary care they looked at me like I was from

another planet when I said it to the therapist I was refered to, he

completely understood what I wanted.

They will tell you if they think it is doable or even if they think you

should look elsewhere because they are not sure how to do that.

Have your reason for being there ready, even if it is to help yourself

stop feeling anxious or stressed. Seeing what reaction the therapist

has to your goal is a big indicator if you are in the right place.

[Guest guest]

here are some links.

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/how-to-find-therapist

http://howtochooseatherapist.com/home.htm

[Guest guest]

GREAT ideas!

OMG! Now I remember! The label thing reminded me about what aggravated

about the pysychiatrist getting all theoretical about my son. He was

going on and on about his theory on labeling - but when I would try to

get a direct answer about what we could DO - he didn't have anything to

offer.

So if they give you the old a label doesn't mean anything -what you need

to focus on is how to what can be done about it -- asnd you ask what can

be done about it - and they have no idea - it is not a good sign.

Free

>

> I'll start with signs:

>

> - (a negative) if the therapist says that that whether nada has BPD or

> not is not very important, that the diagnosis is just a label, and

> it's best just to focus on the facts as we know them. This was a

> warning sign I didn't pick up....actually whether the therapist

> understands the importance of BPD in a parent is tremendously

> important.

>

> - (a positive) if the therapist is interested in helping you discover

> and develop your own strengths and confidence. I think as KO's we've

> spent so much of our lives being broken down, held down, doubting

> ourselves, that having someone help us see ourselves in that new light

> is important.

>

> j

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! See - I knew as a group - our combined brilliance would rise to the

occasion -- so the fact that there are a lot of crappy therapists out

there would not have to stunt our growth.

This is a very powerful idea. It reminds me of what my husband used to

say about his health care - Never let the doctor forget who the

important person is in this interaction. And he didn't mean rub it in

all the time. But he did mean don't let the doctor asctually forget.

But yeah. If I am in New York and I want to get to Colorado - and I

don't want to fly or take the bus - then if I put that out there - and

the other person doesn't know how to get to Colorado - or only knows how

to get there by bus - or looks at me like I just arrived by space ship

-- they may even be a good therapist, but not the one for me right now.

But the most important thing is knowing where you want to get to as much

as you can. That way you will better know if that person can take you

there, or guide you to getting there on your own. And you'll know if you

seem to be getting closer or farther away (though I think that can

sometimes fool me) .

And you can even change your mind along the way. Hmmm - I thought

Colorado would be nice -- but I think I will just visit there before

moving on to Paris..

Unfortunately, sometimes when we start seeking therapy our major concern

is " Just get me out of hell. " Colorado and Paris seem so far away.

Free

>

> I try to write down what I expect to accomplish and bring it up when

> they ask me why I came.

>

> For instance when I was diagnosed with ADD I didn't want to take

> medication so when I went to the first session I stated my goal was to

> find ways to cope with ADD with out medication.

>

> When I said this to my primary care they looked at me like I was from

> another planet when I said it to the therapist I was refered to, he

> completely understood what I wanted.

>

> They will tell you if they think it is doable or even if they think

you

> should look elsewhere because they are not sure how to do that.

>

> Have your reason for being there ready, even if it is to help yourself

> stop feeling anxious or stressed. Seeing what reaction the therapist

> has to your goal is a big indicator if you are in the right place.

>

[Guest guest]

Outsd, thanks for the links and the idea about a goal. I was trying

to think last night if I had to sum up a goal in one sentence what it

would be...pretty difficult to do actually. At this point

Free's " get me out of hell " sounds pretty descriptive, lol. Still I

absolutely see what you mean, a well stated goal could make it clear

very quickly. It might reveal a fundamental difference early on or

just get the therapy moving on the right track.

julie

> >

> > I try to write down what I expect to accomplish and bring it up

when

> > they ask me why I came.

> >

> > For instance when I was diagnosed with ADD I didn't want to take

> > medication so when I went to the first session I stated my goal

was to

> > find ways to cope with ADD with out medication.

> >

> > When I said this to my primary care they looked at me like I was

from

> > another planet when I said it to the therapist I was refered to,

he

> > completely understood what I wanted.

> >

> > They will tell you if they think it is doable or even if they

think

> you

> > should look elsewhere because they are not sure how to do that.

> >

> > Have your reason for being there ready, even if it is to help

yourself

> > stop feeling anxious or stressed. Seeing what reaction the

therapist

> > has to your goal is a big indicator if you are in the right place.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I couldn't agree more with your message. While I treasure my current

therapist, with whom I have consulted on and off for almost 8 years,

I sometimes wish she was more direct with her initial comments nan

probing questions. I look back on them now and understand their

significance, but it took me so many years to reach this point. I

never asked her how versed she was with BPD. If there are millions

out there who could be identified as BPD, shouldn't more

psychologists/psychiatrists/therapists be aware of it and its affect

on offspring? I am particularly angry with my nada's psychiatrist,

who she saw for 35 years. I read his files in the process of helping

nada get disability a number of years ago and nothing stronger

than " chronic anxiety/panic disorder " was ever given as a diagnosis.

How misleading and utterly unfair. So.....what do you suggest? What

are your thoughts on trying to help other KOs?

>

> Okay, I'm gonna try this again....I'm going to quote Free here to

> hopefully set the tone of what I hope this thread can be about:

>

> " It would really be nice if we could come up with some ideas to help

> fellow KOs avoid having to go through that " Need help - Get help -

It

> doesn't help; it harms - Need help to get over the " help " - Afraid

to

> look for help because the help harms - Wore myself out looking for

help

> in the wrong places and now have no energy left to seek help " type

of

> experiences.

>

> Free "

>

> I'll start with signs:

>

> - (a negative) if the therapist says that that whether nada has BPD

or

> not is not very important, that the diagnosis is just a label, and

> it's best just to focus on the facts as we know them. This was a

> warning sign I didn't pick up....actually whether the therapist

> understands the importance of BPD in a parent is tremendously

> important.

>

> - (a positive) if the therapist is interested in helping you

discover

> and develop your own strengths and confidence. I think as KO's

we've

> spent so much of our lives being broken down, held down, doubting

> ourselves, that having someone help us see ourselves in that new

light

> is important.

>

> j

>

[Guest guest]

Hi DJDawg,

I am sorry to hear about your nada's psychiatrist...I know you must

think of how much opportunity was lost if only he'd seen her clearly

and been able to help her. I'm glad you have a therapist that is

good for you, again more proof they are out there!

You asked my thoughts in helping other KO's....I'll share what I've

learned even though it is mostly on the negative - what not to choose

side. I am hoping still to hear more from others the positive

version - how do you know when you've found a good one.

So here's some things I've learned:

- it does matter whether the therapist is aware of BPD as a syndrome

and has at least the level of understanding we see in books like the

UBM. If they don't, if you feel like you have to educate them and

they aren't really learning, it's best to stop right there. Not only

because you aren't getting help, but you may also be getting harm -

the wrong advice and time wasted.

- ego matters. Beware the therapist who " gets off " on the role of

being the judge of you, who very clearly enforces a view of

superiority. The most danger of this attitude seems to come from

psychiatrists.

- it shouldn't be too easy. If therapy is all about showing up once

a week and rattling off the minor/major annoyances that happened last

week to a sympathetic ear - you are paying for a friend, not a

therapist. Therapy should focus on the big stuff, the root issues.

- the therapist should be able to " read " you. If they can't read

your nonverbal cues and respond, they may not be able to help you in

a crisis. For example, one time I went into an appointment just

devastated holding back tears and told the therapist so, and her only

response was " how have your dreams been lately? "

- which leads me to compassion/empathy. Don't assume it is there,

require for yourself that you can feel that the therapist has those

qualities. For without feeling safe and truly cared for, how can

anyone go into the dark places where the light has to shine to get

healing?

That's my two cents, give or take

julie

> >

> > Okay, I'm gonna try this again....I'm going to quote Free here to

> > hopefully set the tone of what I hope this thread can be about:

> >

> > " It would really be nice if we could come up with some ideas to

help

> > fellow KOs avoid having to go through that " Need help - Get help -

> It

> > doesn't help; it harms - Need help to get over the " help " -

Afraid

> to

> > look for help because the help harms - Wore myself out looking

for

> help

> > in the wrong places and now have no energy left to seek help "

type

> of

> > experiences.

> >

> > Free "

> >

> > I'll start with signs:

> >

> > - (a negative) if the therapist says that that whether nada has

BPD

> or

> > not is not very important, that the diagnosis is just a label,

and

> > it's best just to focus on the facts as we know them. This was

a

> > warning sign I didn't pick up....actually whether the therapist

> > understands the importance of BPD in a parent is tremendously

> > important.

> >

> > - (a positive) if the therapist is interested in helping you

> discover

> > and develop your own strengths and confidence. I think as KO's

> we've

> > spent so much of our lives being broken down, held down, doubting

> > ourselves, that having someone help us see ourselves in that new

> light

> > is important.

> >

> > j

> >

>

[Guest guest]

this sounds like good advice. I might add that it is good to know

the style or type of therapy the professional practices. My

therapist is particularly Freudian, as I understand it. Most of her

communication to me has always been in the form of questions geared

towards helping me see things more clearly at my own pace, whatever

that is. It took me about eight years to finally figure out so many

things, particularly about my nada. Of course, nada's bpd was only

one of many issues I have dealt with, or continue to. Nothing exists

in a vacuum. I do wish that my therapist had been perhaps a bit more

pointed in her questions. Or even said things to me directly to

helep me along a bit. But this is just a wish. It is what it is.

And I'm so thankful to be here now. Nada told me long ago when she

first started going to her shrink that he asked her what she was

looking for in a psychiatrist. She said that she told him she just

wanted a friend...someone to listen to her. I think she has had

that. So got what she paid for.

> > >

> > > Okay, I'm gonna try this again....I'm going to quote Free here

to

> > > hopefully set the tone of what I hope this thread can be about:

> > >

> > > " It would really be nice if we could come up with some ideas to

> help

> > > fellow KOs avoid having to go through that " Need help - Get

help -

>

> > It

> > > doesn't help; it harms - Need help to get over the " help " -

> Afraid

> > to

> > > look for help because the help harms - Wore myself out looking

> for

> > help

> > > in the wrong places and now have no energy left to seek help "

> type

> > of

> > > experiences.

> > >

> > > Free "

> > >

> > > I'll start with signs:

> > >

> > > - (a negative) if the therapist says that that whether nada has

> BPD

> > or

> > > not is not very important, that the diagnosis is just a label,

> and

> > > it's best just to focus on the facts as we know them. This

was

> a

> > > warning sign I didn't pick up....actually whether the therapist

> > > understands the importance of BPD in a parent is tremendously

> > > important.

> > >

> > > - (a positive) if the therapist is interested in helping you

> > discover

> > > and develop your own strengths and confidence. I think as KO's

> > we've

> > > spent so much of our lives being broken down, held down,

doubting

> > > ourselves, that having someone help us see ourselves in that

new

> > light

> > > is important.

> > >

> > > j

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

So much good advice here. What I can add is how I feel in my sessions

with my counselor. I feel safe and accepted, but also challenged. She

will ask the questions I don't want to answer, and when I can answer

them, which isn't always, the relief of saying the thing is like

losing pounds of weight. Like I once said I was scared of letting my

mom down in some way as a kid and she asked me simply " what did you

think would happen if you didn't do what she wanted? " When I heard the

answer come out of my mouth, that she would die, or that I would die,

I knew we were at some big roots. Good stuff, and it's not easy, and

shouldn't be.

She also celebrates my victories, however small, and points out many I

would miss on my own. She reminds me I'm strong even when I don't feel

it. She is proud of me. She is my age - it's not a motherly thing, but

it's nurturing and an environment set for growth. Like many of you I'm

sure, I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't be angry, it filled me with

guilt and fear. I have always felt the need to justify the anger, have

a rock solid reason for it and still I felt not entitled. She has

taught me that it's ok to be angry, downright furious even, for no

good reason at all. Feelings aren't bad. What a huge freaking concept.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it entirely. Anyway, as you

can tell, there are good people out there, keep looking. By the way,

this one is the one who recognized the signs of bpd in my loved ones

and in my reactions/behaviors around them. I don't know where I'd be

without that...

Liesl

[Guest guest]

Maybe I am too picky...atleast I feel bad for having stopped seeing

my therapist. And I can't pin point why I feel bad. Because, I

think that he is a rude/domineering person hiding in a therapists

body. The first time or two he seemed to understand that my BPD

person did have this problem and he said that I should leave him.

And that was validating. However, in working with this therapist,

I just found he did little things that seemed to me to be put

downs. For example, when it was time to leave he'd basically

say, " get out. It's over. " or something. And I'd be sitting there

with my mouth open in dismay wondering who the heck he thought he

was to treat me that way. He called it the way that he " set

boundaries. " I mean I'm paying the guy $60.00 a session and he darn

well better be professional and polite...ie stand up and thank me

for coming, or something. Am I wrong to think this guy is a jerk?

>

> I try to write down what I expect to accomplish and bring it up

when

> they ask me why I came.

>

> For instance when I was diagnosed with ADD I didn't want to take

> medication so when I went to the first session I stated my goal

was to

> find ways to cope with ADD with out medication.

>

> When I said this to my primary care they looked at me like I was

from

> another planet when I said it to the therapist I was refered to,

he

> completely understood what I wanted.

>

> They will tell you if they think it is doable or even if they

think you

> should look elsewhere because they are not sure how to do that.

>

> Have your reason for being there ready, even if it is to help

yourself

> stop feeling anxious or stressed. Seeing what reaction the

therapist

> has to your goal is a big indicator if you are in the right place.

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think you are 'too picky', however, we really do have the

right to be picky about the person who is being paid to provide a

service to us! I would be put off too if I were dismissed in that

way at the end of my therapy sessions.

Sylvia

> >

> > I try to write down what I expect to accomplish and bring it up

> when

> > they ask me why I came.

> >

> > For instance when I was diagnosed with ADD I didn't want to take

> > medication so when I went to the first session I stated my goal

> was to

> > find ways to cope with ADD with out medication.

> >

> > When I said this to my primary care they looked at me like I was

> from

> > another planet when I said it to the therapist I was refered to,

> he

> > completely understood what I wanted.

> >

> > They will tell you if they think it is doable or even if they

> think you

> > should look elsewhere because they are not sure how to do that.

> >

> > Have your reason for being there ready, even if it is to help

> yourself

> > stop feeling anxious or stressed. Seeing what reaction the

> therapist

> > has to your goal is a big indicator if you are in the right

place.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Free and climberkayak for redirecting this thread. I have

already had a few ah ha moments and I need to read the rest but I

wanted to say...

OMG - my therapist did the " if nada has bpd or not doesn't matter

routine. " I stopped seeing him not long after that but I couldn't

put my finger on why. Looking back, I was so annoyed that he

couldn't just let me say she has bpd when I have never been more sure

of anything in my whole life.

Doug - that does stink that your nada didn't get the diagnosis and

help that she needed. BPD hasn't been that well known though for

very long and it still hads a stigma attached to it as a catch-all

diagnosis for when they can't figure out what else is wrong. I think

that is changing but it will probably take awhile yet.

This is just another thought but I can see where a

therapist/psychologist would not be able to see that your nada had

bpd. The only perspective they have is nada's and in nada's world,

the rages and bpdness don't exist. My nada is with a therapist that

is actually doing nada's work for her, harassing me and sending me

FOG notes. I feel bad for the therapist (annoyed but bad), she is a

nice, comforting, grief counselor that is being bowled over by my

nada.

I am an occupational therapist. We evaluate our patients by

observing them doing various tasks of daily living and then help them

achieve the skills or adapt their environment to function to the best

of their abilities. Don't you think it would be a huge eye opener

for any therapist of nada's to actually see them in action during a

FOO event on video - Big Brother style? There is no denying the

video! My nada use to video entire family events. What I would give

to get my hands on those now.

However, during the FOO counseling my parents, my brother and I went

to a couple years ago, nada did show a few of her rages and almost

left the room a couple times. I think it is possible to recreate

those situations. Each of our sessions lasted 2 hours and it really

took that long for nada to stop holding it all together and show her

real colors. Unfortunately the therapist was very passive and didn't

take the opportunity to use those incidences to further our progress.

I look forward to hearing more words of wisdom, especially those that

have had good experiences and what that looked like.

patinage

> >

> > Okay, I'm gonna try this again....I'm going to quote Free here to

> > hopefully set the tone of what I hope this thread can be about:

> >

> > " It would really be nice if we could come up with some ideas to

help

> > fellow KOs avoid having to go through that " Need help - Get help -

> It

> > doesn't help; it harms - Need help to get over the " help " -

Afraid

> to

> > look for help because the help harms - Wore myself out looking

for

> help

> > in the wrong places and now have no energy left to seek help "

type

> of

> > experiences.

> >

> > Free "

> >

> > I'll start with signs:

> >

> > - (a negative) if the therapist says that that whether nada has

BPD

> or

> > not is not very important, that the diagnosis is just a label,

and

> > it's best just to focus on the facts as we know them. This was

a

> > warning sign I didn't pick up....actually whether the therapist

> > understands the importance of BPD in a parent is tremendously

> > important.

> >

> > - (a positive) if the therapist is interested in helping you

> discover

> > and develop your own strengths and confidence. I think as KO's

> we've

> > spent so much of our lives being broken down, held down, doubting

> > ourselves, that having someone help us see ourselves in that new

> light

> > is important.

> >

> > j

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

" ...my therapist did the " if nada has bpd or not doesn't matter

routine. " I stopped seeing him not long after that but I couldn't

put my finger on why. Looking back, I was so annoyed that he

couldn't just let me say she has bpd when I have never been more sure

of anything in my whole life. "

I haven't had long term therapy but the two short visits I had with

two different therapists were identical to your experience. One

basically said that a diagnosis of BPD wasn't important and he

indicated he wasn't sure how much he believed BPD was a real thing.

The second one just basically said " Get over it. You know it's her

problem just forget it. " He actually advised me not to read or post

on this board because it was keeping me thinking about and

participating in something I should " just forget and get on with my

life. " It is kind of like the terapist who saw my adult son who has

ADD who told him ADD was just a symptom of something else. Not a real

thing.

I sometimes wonder how these people got into their professions knowing

so little about BPD and ADD/ADHD

The effects on the child of a BPD parent seem to not even be

considered by these therapists. It is important to find someone who

does have a grasp of the situation and understanding if you expect to

get any help from them.