Re: Developing empathy

[Guest guest]

Hi,My Aspie husband struggles with understanding empathy. It seems to me that he doesn't care and it can be very hurtful. But when we talk about it, I realize that he DOES care. He simply doesn't process the same way as I do and his emotional "triggers" aren't there.We have been working on this issue for 3 years. This is what works for us. My husband is getting better about being aware of my feelings. For any argument in general, this is what we do: When I get upset / feelings hurt, I go to a different area of house or outside or even sit in my car. (I used to get so mad that I would leave, but I was adding to the problem.) Sometimes I sit in my car and curse him out; let's off steam and he can't hear me. knows by my face and actions (usually he knows as soon as he's said or done something) that I'm hurt. I do NOT say anything from the past to add to the issue (learned that the hard way). It is one inch at a time, on a walk that sometimes feels like 1000 miles. If I go somewhere to cool down, then that's s signal to consider what just happened and think about it from my POV. He does that because I committed to quit leaving the property. It took us over a year to find a working "if/then" scenario that works for us. needed to feel that he was getting something in return for his gift of considering my feelings. It is sometimes overwhelming to be with a man who doesn't empathize with you or anyone, when it comes so natural with most people I know. It can also be embarrassing. has to wait at least 20 min. That used to seem like a year to him, because he thinks he's done something wrong/bad. He would find me and start yelling awful things. I retreated into a turtle-like shell for emotional protection. I couldn't listen to his words; childhood anger was coming out.NOW my hubby knows I am not going to leave him. It is just a disagreement, and an apology can make it better. HE has the power to make me better. His family didn't discuss, talk about love, apologize, acknowledge feelings, etc, EVER. So he had to learn to look at me and listen to what I was saying, without thinking " is bad" while I'm talking.(And I have to use language that communicates my feelings... without screaming all the things I scream in a car with windows up.). Time to calm down and process the issue is key for us.It is not okay for him to apologize when he clearly isn't sorry. But it is very helpful when he apologizes for hurting my feelings. THEN we can discuss what happened, the words, how they felt, etc. It goes much better if we hold hands. 70% of time, he wasn't thinking of "feelings" when the situation happened..... he was being logical or practical or functional. He has so many good qualities that I don't have. Sometimes I apologize to him for being too emotional. My hubby walks around scared sometimes, wandering what mine-field he's in if it's an emotional situation. (wedding, funeral, friend upset, etc) He wants to problem-solve.The main thing for us is that it's OVER after we discuss it and resolve it. Otherwise there is no impetus to get on that gerbil-wheel again the next time it happens. The rewards increase as time goes by. Fire is hot, it burns you. It hurts your skin. ---- Same rules apply with empathy. Some things HURT your feelings. Feelings are just as real as skin. This is many tears and seminars and individual + group + marriage counselling sessions later. I love my husband. He is quirky sweet.Shauna

My wife says I have very little empathy, and she's right--I recently took an "empathy quiz" online, an my score was greater than "the typical person with autism or aspergers" but still less than average.

Are there any excercises anyone can mention that will help develop empathy?

[Guest guest]

Shauna,

This was a great read and very helpful!

I am in love with an AS man and we have had our trials and errors with empathy. I have learned to just step back when he has hurt my feelings and give it a little time - time for him to think, and time for me to realize that he isn't doing it on purpose. Then we talk about it calmly, understand each other, and put it in the past. He has come to see the cues with me that something is up and sometimes he even asks me "what's up?" before it gets too out of hand.

You're right, it takes time, effort and a lot of communication, but it CAN get better if you work at it.

Kim

[Guest guest]

> (And I have to use language that communicates my feelings... without screaming

all the things I scream in a car with windows up.). Time to calm down and

process the issue is key for us.

When DH and I were in therapy the first time, we learned a communication

technique that really works for these situations. It does feel a bit scripted,

but it allows one partner to get all their feelings out, and feel *heard* in a

safe way.

1. Partner 1 asks if this is a good time to talk. If yes, begin, if not, ask for

a specific time *soon*.

2. Partner 1 states what is bothering them. However, they have to follow certain

rules:

- use " I statements " -- " when you do X, I feel Y "

- talk about yourself only, and how Partner 2's *actions* affect you

- don'r make assumptions about Partner 2's motivations, intent, or emotions

- no personal attacks on partner 2

- don't go on and on, because the next step is:

3. Partner 2 restates what Partner 1 said. This can be word for word, or a

rephrasing. At the end, Partner 2 asks " did I get that right? "

4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until Partner 2 does get it right

5. Partner 2 now says " That makes sense, because anyone ... " filling in the

blank with whatever reason seems to make sense. Again, 2 asks if s/he got it

right, and 1 corrects.

6. Partner 2 now says " And that must make you feel .... " trying to fill in the

blank, asking if it's right, and repeating.

7. At the end each partner thanks the other.

Trivial example:

1: Can we talk ... OK ... when it's my turn to clean up after dinner, and you

name every tiny task I need to do, I feel micromanaged. I feel like you think

I'm incompetent, and that I have no brain and can't figure anything out for

myself. I've been cleaning up after dinner for 15 years, I know how to do it.

2: Let me see if I got that ... after dinner, you get mad when I tell you what

needs cleaning up. You've cleaned up for 15 years, and don't like me to tell you

what needs cleaning. Did I get that right?

1. Not quite ... you missed that when you tell me what to do, I feel like you

think I am stupid and can't clean up by myself.

2. I don't think you're stupid.

1. I didn't say you did ... I said *I* think you think I'm incompetent, so you

need to micromanage me. Can you repeat that?

2. You think I think you're incompetent, and can't clean the kitchen without me

telling you what to do.

1. Yes. that's what I meant. Let's move on.

2. That makes sense, because anyone .... um ... would be mad if someone thinks

they can't do something they can?

1. Yes, and I feel that way every time you tell me what to clean.

2. I'm sorry.

1. Let's finish the dialog. How do you think that makes me feel?

2. Well, you said you were mad, and felt like you have no brain, and are stupid.

1. Yes, that's how I feel, even though I know I'm not dumb. Do you understand

now?

2. I do, and I'm sorry. I'll try not to give you cleaning lists again. Thank you

for telling me.

1. Thank you for listening.

This process gives partner 1 a safe way to state what's bothering them, and

gives partner 2 practice in empathy and interpreting emotions. Even though DH

and I grew sick of the process ( " that makes sense, anyone " will make us laugh),

and rarely use the script anymore, we did learn a lot from doing this.

--Liz

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