Guest guest Posted July 10, 2010 Report Share Posted July 10, 2010 Dishonesty... > My Aspie was chatting online with another AS who spoke about being in an > affair. He is married and has children. It seems this would take a > tremendous amount of deceit and compartmentalization to pull off... > > Can anyone speak to how this could happen when it seems AS individuals are > wired to be overly direct and honest to a fault... Interesting topic question... Quite frankly... I am certain I could/would never do this, especially not with kids at home. And if my kids were grown up and away from home then I would have no reason for deciet I would simply get a divorce. But then I have put a great deal of thought into this in the past. I have seen that the male half of the species has an incredible ability to compartmentalize and that ability seems to become more refined when the male grows up in an abusive environment. We've talked before here on the list how growing up AS might lead to inadvertent abuse. I think a man with AS might have a heightened ability to compartmentalize and thus can probably have his affair without any remorse because he has separated it from the rest of his life. I have seen my husband (NT) do this sort of thing. Until he is confronted with the consequence of his behavior, and sometimes even then, he is able to pretend to himself that there is no connection between the two. I say 'pretend' but in reality it is just years of habit of never thinking about two different boxes of information at the same time. This AS man probably never thinks about the woman he's having an affair with at the same time that he thinks about his wife and kids. And in that way is able to avoid any conflict of thoughts or feelings. Any time the two inadvertently bump he probably becomes extremely upset/uncomfortable and instinctively changes the subject or changes what he's doing so as to cause the discomfort to go away. Also there are more than one kind of deceit. If someone has grown up compartmentalizing things they do not see it or feel it as deceit. They have deceived themselves and as long as they can maintain the separate boxes in the head there is no conflict and therefore they can walk around completely undisturbed. The best liar is someone that has first lied to themselves. It's almost like a split personality. Just my thoughts, for whatever they are worth! Jennie AS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 > In all my reading I have found consistently that individuals with AS tend to be ultra loyal in relationships and honest to a fault - what could be defined as brutally honest. I havent read anything about the small percentage of those with AS who are not this way. > > My Aspie was chatting online with another AS who spoke about being in an affair. He is married and has children. It seems this would take a tremendous amount of deceit and compartmentalization to pull off... > > Can anyone speak to how this could happen when it seems AS individuals are wired to be overly direct and honest to a fault... Not true, at least for me and my DH. [We're both Aspie, and highly IQ gifted, which may change things.] Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We have lied to each other and been disloyal (no, I won't tell you the details). We can be brutally honest, or misleadingly over-polite. An affair would certainly be possible for either of us. What has affected us more is a lack of tactfulness. I remember once, years ago, when I mentioned I didn't find DH handsome -- what didn't come across right was that I don't care a fig for surface appearance, and he's attractive to me where it matters most to me (between the ears). He's done the same to me, and we've had many, many other miscommunications over the years. I think the ability to not be over-honest has to do with two factors: - though we're both Aspie, we're not severely affected. We've learned to compensate for our Aspie weaknesses and fit in to NT society quite well. Most people wouldn't see the AS part of us ... unless they spent many hours with us. We're intimate enough that we see it in each other, though. - we're also old enough (early 50s) to have learned a lot from experience. With time, most Aspies learn compensatory strategies, and look less Aspie than when they were younger. Our being gifted may also help here, as we have the brain power to devote to figuring out how to compensate. --Liz ------------ The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/ SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear* Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfection.com/cartesianbear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 reneejah wrote: << In all my reading I have found consistently that individuals with AS tend to be ultra loyal in relationships and honest to a fault - what could be defined as brutally honest. I havent read anything about the small percentage of those with AS who are not this way. >> That would be bad press for Aspies. << My Aspie was chatting online with another AS who spoke about being in an affair. He is married and has children. It seems this would take a tremendous amount of deceit and compartmentalization to pull off... >> See Jennie's excellent post. What she describes is also very similar to how many NT men (and some women) compartmentalize their worlds. It's a human trait -- some folks are just better at it than others. << Can anyone speak to how this could happen when it seems AS individuals are wired to be overly direct and honest to a fault... >> AS manifests itself on a continuum in individuals. When one talks about stereotypes common to Aspies, that doesn't really describe the entire community. I'm acquainted with AS folks who fall all along the spectrum, many of whom are neither brutally honest nor ultra loyal to anyone but themselves. IMX, the more socially adept the Aspie, the greater likelihood that they can compartmentalize their lives and use deceit (where it suits them) as well as any NT capable of doing the same. Best, ~CJ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ " The reason so many people misunderstand so many issues is not that these issues are so complex, but that people do not want a factual or analytical explanation that leaves them emotionally unsatisfied. They want villains to hate and heroes to cheer -- and they don't want explanations that do not give them that. " ~~ Sowell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 reneejah wrote: << In all my reading I have found consistently that individuals with AS tend to be ultra loyal in relationships and honest to a fault - what could be defined as brutally honest. I havent read anything about the small percentage of those with AS who are not this way. >> Another point I forgot to mention.... Most books and articles about AS seem to focus on the stereotypical AS traits. Those are the traits that readers are often interested in learning more about and ameliorating in their lives or the lives of their loved ones. The writer may mention that AS occurs along a continuum of severity, yet not really go into much depth in that area, as this topic is likely to be of less interest to readers in need of assistance with life skills. Best, ~CJ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ " The reason so many people misunderstand so many issues is not that these issues are so complex, but that people do not want a factual or analytical explanation that leaves them emotionally unsatisfied. They want villains to hate and heroes to cheer -- and they don't want explanations that do not give them that. " ~~ Sowell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 Great post, Liz. You explained these concepts very clearly and made them easy to understand. You know, if I didn't know better, I would think you were describing me to a T. Best, ~CJ Liz Cademy wrote: Not true, at least for me and my DH. [We're both Aspie, and highly IQ gifted, which may change things.] Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We have lied to each other and been disloyal (no, I won't tell you the details). We can be brutally honest, or misleadingly over-polite. An affair would certainly be possible for either of us. What has affected us more is a lack of tactfulness. I remember once, years ago, when I mentioned I didn't find DH handsome -- what didn't come across right was that I don't care a fig for surface appearance, and he's attractive to me where it matters most to me (between the ears). He's done the same to me, and we've had many, many other miscommunications over the years. I think the ability to not be over-honest has to do with two factors: - though we're both Aspie, we're not severely affected. We've learned to compensate for our Aspie weaknesses and fit in to NT society quite well. Most people wouldn't see the AS part of us ... unless they spent many hours with us. We're intimate enough that we see it in each other, though. - we're also old enough (early 50s) to have learned a lot from experience. With time, most Aspies learn compensatory strategies, and look less Aspie than when they were younger. Our being gifted may also help here, as we have the brain power to devote to figuring out how to compensate. --Liz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2010 Report Share Posted July 11, 2010 In my experience with my ex AS wife, she would tell people what she wanted them to believe and what they wanted to hear. is this dishonesty? yes when it comes down to it. she had an IQ of 130, which i believe is pretty high. she has done many of the things that Liz is describing. But, when i comes to hiding information that could potentially cause hurt feelings, anger or disappointment she would often lie. hope it helps scoooterNot true, at least for me and my DH. [We're both Aspie, and highly IQ gifted, which may change things.]Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We have lied to each other and been disloyal (no, I won't tell you the details). We can be brutally honest, or misleadingly over-polite. An affair would certainly be possible for either of us.What has affected us more is a lack of tactfulness. I remember once, years ago, when I mentioned I didn't find DH handsome -- what didn't come across right was that I don't care a fig for surface appearance, and he's attractive to me where it matters most to me (between the ears). He's done the same to me, and we've had many, many other miscommunications over the years.I think the ability to not be over-honest has to do with two factors:- though we're both Aspie, we're not severely affected. We've learned to compensate for our Aspie weaknesses and fit in to NT society quite well. Most people wouldn't see the AS part of us ... unless they spent many hours with us. We're intimate enough that we see it in each other, though.- we're also old enough (early 50s) to have learned a lot from experience. With time, most Aspies learn compensatory strategies, and look less Aspie than when they were younger. Our being gifted may also help here, as we have the brain power to devote to figuring out how to compensate.--Liz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2010 Report Share Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks everyone for all the great input! The combination of compartmentalization and adaptation makes a lot of sense. > > Not true, at least for me and my DH. [We're both Aspie, and highly IQ > gifted, which may change things.] > > Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We have lied to each other and > been disloyal (no, I won't tell you the details). We can be brutally > honest, or misleadingly over-polite. An affair would certainly be > possible for either of us. > > What has affected us more is a lack of tactfulness. I remember once, > years ago, when I mentioned I didn't find DH handsome -- what didn't > come across right was that I don't care a fig for surface appearance, > and he's attractive to me where it matters most to me (between the > ears). He's done the same to me, and we've had many, many other > miscommunications over the years. > > I think the ability to not be over-honest has to do with two factors: > > - though we're both Aspie, we're not severely affected. We've learned > to compensate for our Aspie weaknesses and fit in to NT society quite > well. Most people wouldn't see the AS part of us ... unless they spent > many hours with us. We're intimate enough that we see it in each other, > though. > > - we're also old enough (early 50s) to have learned a lot from > experience. With time, most Aspies learn compensatory strategies, and > look less Aspie than when they were younger. Our being gifted may also > help here, as we have the brain power to devote to figuring out how to > compensate. > > --Liz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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