Re: Can anyone help with a BPD mother?

[Guest guest]

Hello!

Unfortunately, I have not found any other way to deal with a BPD mom like

this except highly limit contact (myself, I have cut the contact until she

can possibly act any better, which may be never) My nada also does not think

she has a problem and I have had to cut contact with loads of people I used

to be in contact with only b/c nada is in so much contact with them and

doing the smear campaign - making it look and sound like I am mentally

unbalanced, paranoid, need help, am the evil child, etc.

My dad is the same way somewhat as yours - emotionally shut down, except I

can't go talk to him much about nada's disorder b/c he can't understand it.

He has such a limited ability to understand some things. He knows there is

something wrong mentally with her, though. If I gave him a book on it, he

would not read it. I guess your dad did not realize that handing your mom a

book would not really help anything and could make her turn something into

another crisis. My dad might do the same thing with his limited abilitiy to

understand such things.

I don't know very many nadas who do forgive and forget. They seem to be

able to dig things up from 20 years ago when no one else remembers it.

Theresa

>

> I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this disorder for

> two years and it

> has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the oldest of

> six children,

> two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least 1,000

> incidents of crisis in

> my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal with my

> mother because

> she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of her

> behavior. She will

> act one way around her children and then put on a different face for my

> dad. I feel really

> bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem but I am

> trying to

> break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our family.

>

> My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it is

> because he is

> " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at him

> non-stop.

>

> Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence about my

> mom. I have

> known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him with

> anger. We spoke

> with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her. He agreed

> that this

> was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and that he

> would talk to a

> priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed that my

> mom has a

> problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as much as

> possible. I

> told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and would be

> there to talk.

>

> Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to tell my mom

> and he did.

> He even gave her a book I had given him on the subject. " Understanding the

> Borderline

> Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He did not

> even really look

> into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused the

> chapter titles. My

> mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to save me. I

> am the focus of

> the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

>

> I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize that she

> is sick and my

> dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates his

> children's feelings

> when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am going to

> write my dad a

> letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down because

> this is the only

> way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming. However, I

> do not

> know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find out with

> a punch to

> the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my feelings, I will

> never have a

> relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget. Can

> anyone

> recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am reposting 2 messages i posted in May 2005, bc they may help

you, and have also added comments below them

:

May 11, 2005

When I told nada not to call or visit work 3

months ago, she was angry that day, but she has not come near me

since. I have very lucky, and even started to think she must be

improving.

Boy, was I delusional.

Turns out nada is not doing well with my estrangement AT ALL. Not

only was she upset on M-day (when I did nothing), but she is

apparently telling EVERYONE what I did to her. This includes the

immediate family, of course, and also the extended family who is " on

her side " - you know, her sister and mother. She is ALSO, though,

telling the " all-bad " extended family!! And family friends!! And she

is telling them all what I did to her, and how it's so wrong and

playing the martyr to the hilt.

Here is the best part: she has suddenly undertaken a campaign

to " cure " ME!!!! She is currently organizing a DAY OF PRAYER AND

FASTING FOR MY HEALING, because someone told her that prayer and

fasting works to uproot the bitterness that I am feeding on.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SOMETHING SO ABSURD?????!!!!! I am doing

better than ever. My depression is lifting and my panic attacks are

become much less common and less intense. I FINALLY have a life like

a healthy 25-year old woman - a job, friends, an actual social life,

and even romantic possibilitis. I am working my butt off in therapy.

I have NEVER been closer to God or felt more sure that what I am

doing, though He would never desire a daughter needing to leave her

mother, is aok with Him. I feel more understanding and compassionate

towards my nada than ever, and am even seeing glimmers of

forgiveness. And so now she is organizing this!

Argh,

May 13:

I've gained some perspective after sleeping well and

talking to my therapist. Some stuff I'm thinking about:

--Nada cannot ever fight her own battles. It has been 3+ months

since I called it quits and, as typical, she HAS to get a 3rd party

involved to fight FOR her. I saw glimpses of this early on,

particularly around Easter when sister and grandma called and aunt

sent a gift through my father, but I dealt with it and let it go as

best I could. All the info I now have, I got through my dad, with

whom I work and have a good relationship. He did not bring it up for

all these months, but it came up Tuesday and that's when all the

info emerged.

So, turns out nada is PO'd with him - obviously, bc he works with

me and is thus interacting with the all-bad devil child who shunned

her. Beyond that, he says he refuses to discuss me with her, and she

hates it - accuses him of being on my side, hating her, whatever.

Notably, though, her tactic worked. All her jabbering to him did

get him to come to me on Tuesday and the cycle begins again - the

cycle where i stand up to the psycho and she gets threatened and

sends dad in. Gag.

The good part is that dad believes me and knows she's crazy. The

tough part is for me to stay out of how HE deals with it, since he

chooses to stay and will not leave her. (He is very much the loyal

huntsman, bound by morals and his marital vows.)

---My whole life, my nada has pulled stuff like this " day of prayer "

for my alcoholic/suicidal brother to keep the focus off of her. He

is doing well now, living at home, and she can't blame HIM as the

reason I am MIA. So, she has to blame SOMEONE for the fact that I

have cut out of the FOO scene, and she picked.....ME!!!

Lucky me, I get to be the crazy one for awhile. (My brother does

deserve a rest, but come on - what is this woman's need to ALWAYS

have a " sick " kid??)

---If anyone actually believes nada that I am crazy, they are

idiots. Seriously, I am the highest-functioning of all the kids in

my family. I have a degree (with honors) and have done graduate

work, have always held down a job, support myself, am in therapy. I

have a healthy life. Yet I am getting smeared as the sinful,

backslidden daughter who is out to get her waiflike, weak, poor,

poor, mama. GAG ME.

--It is NOT my job to figure all this out, especially bc I am not

going to let her win. Nanda's goal is to bring me down by turning

folks against me while portraying herself as the victim. Then, when

I am totally rejected by all family and friends (as she fears she

will be if they knew the truth, which is that she is so f-ed up and

that's why we are ALL such a mess), I will come crawling back.

WAKE-UP CALL TO NADA: I am not the same anymore, and I will

NEVER go back. NEVER. I will not go back and ask her what's wrong

and say sorry and let her attack me. I won't explain myself to

ANYONE. I hate that she is spreading insane lies about me, but I

can't stop her. All I CAN do is NOT PLAY THE GAME. All of this is a

game to GET ME BACK, so nada's not ABANDONED.

aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh.

One thing is for sure, I now feel MORE sure that no contact is the

right thing to do. Are you kidding me? If she thinks THIS is a way

to hook me back into the FOO, boy is she wrong!! This makes me want

to move to frickin' China!!!

My mother will not recognize that she is sick and my

> dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never

validates his children's feelings

> when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her.

Just an FYI - my father was going to " deal with " the truth by

talking to nada's therapist and sending her away and all other plans

that he ultimately DID NOT DO. though he does believe me today, he

does not deal with it beyond that, at least not in the sense of

supporting me.

>Can anyone

> recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

I am currently not in contact with my mother. That's my way of

dealing, and it is GREAT. very peaceful.

[Guest guest]

That's so awful that your father did that after you trusted him with

that information. On the other hand, at least it's out there now

and would there ever have been an easy way to tell her? I've never

told my mother I believe she has a personality disorder, but I can't

imagine there's an easy way to break that to somebody.

One small bit of advice I have is that if you call her bluff you may

be surprised. My mother always used the threat of cut off to

manipulate me. Once things erupted she tried that threat to make me

do like you say back down, lie, apologize to make things back how

they were. I refused to do so and called her bluff, and she turned

around and came back acting nice again. They do need us and deep

down they know it, so you might be surprised what happens if you

don't back down. But you have to be willing to live with the

consequences if it isn't a bluff. It's so tough trying to give

advice because everyone's situation is unique, but I hope some of

it's helpful.

Wishing you lots of strength and peace

sunny

> I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this disorder

for two years and it

> has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

oldest of six children,

> two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

1,000 incidents of crisis in

> my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal

with my mother because

> she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of

her behavior. She will

> act one way around her children and then put on a different face

for my dad. I feel really

> bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem

but I am trying to

> break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

family.

>

> My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it

is because he is

> " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at

him non-stop.

>

> Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence

about my mom. I have

> known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him

with anger. We spoke

> with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her.

He agreed that this

> was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and

that he would talk to a

> priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed

that my mom has a

> problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as

much as possible. I

> told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and would

be there to talk.

>

> Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to tell

my mom and he did.

> He even gave her a book I had given him on the

subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He

did not even really look

> into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused

the chapter titles. My

> mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to

save me. I am the focus of

> the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

>

> I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize

that she is sick and my

> dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates

his children's feelings

> when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am

going to write my dad a

> letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down

because this is the only

> way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

However, I do not

> know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find

out with a punch to

> the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my feelings,

I will never have a

> relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget.

Can anyone

> recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

[Guest guest]

-Thanks for your encouraging words. I know that this is a horrible thing to go

through

but I am trusting that God allows everything for a reason. If I had never

confronted this, I

would have always had this secret to carry. I would have also wondered if

things could

have been different. I feel angry with my father but I don't blame him. It has

taken me a

long time to sort out the confusion of BPD. I also no longer live in the chaos

on a daily

basis. I do feel all alone since my sibings (5 younger) either still live at

home or do not

speak to my mother at all. In my family, there are two sibling types: those

who totally do

not care about my parents and those who become a martyr for the cause. I am

done being

a martyr but I love them very much and am trusting that God will bring some good

from

all of this. I am afraid to cut my mom out of my life totally. I don't feel

like God would ask

that of a child. There is no love without truth. JPII. I will stand by the

truth but I am open

to any compassionate suggestions that anyone may have!

Thanks,

Marcelle

> That's so awful that your father did that after you trusted him with

> that information. On the other hand, at least it's out there now

> and would there ever have been an easy way to tell her? I've never

> told my mother I believe she has a personality disorder, but I can't

> imagine there's an easy way to break that to somebody.

>

> One small bit of advice I have is that if you call her bluff you may

> be surprised. My mother always used the threat of cut off to

> manipulate me. Once things erupted she tried that threat to make me

> do like you say back down, lie, apologize to make things back how

> they were. I refused to do so and called her bluff, and she turned

> around and came back acting nice again. They do need us and deep

> down they know it, so you might be surprised what happens if you

> don't back down. But you have to be willing to live with the

> consequences if it isn't a bluff. It's so tough trying to give

> advice because everyone's situation is unique, but I hope some of

> it's helpful.

>

> Wishing you lots of strength and peace

>

> sunny

>

>

> > I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this disorder

> for two years and it

> > has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

> oldest of six children,

> > two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

> 1,000 incidents of crisis in

> > my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal

> with my mother because

> > she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of

> her behavior. She will

> > act one way around her children and then put on a different face

> for my dad. I feel really

> > bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem

> but I am trying to

> > break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

> family.

> >

> > My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it

> is because he is

> > " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at

> him non-stop.

> >

> > Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence

> about my mom. I have

> > known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him

> with anger. We spoke

> > with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her.

> He agreed that this

> > was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and

> that he would talk to a

> > priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed

> that my mom has a

> > problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as

> much as possible. I

> > told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and would

> be there to talk.

> >

> > Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to tell

> my mom and he did.

> > He even gave her a book I had given him on the

> subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> > Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He

> did not even really look

> > into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused

> the chapter titles. My

> > mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to

> save me. I am the focus of

> > the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

> >

> > I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize

> that she is sick and my

> > dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates

> his children's feelings

> > when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am

> going to write my dad a

> > letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down

> because this is the only

> > way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

> However, I do not

> > know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find

> out with a punch to

> > the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my feelings,

> I will never have a

> > relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget.

> Can anyone

> > recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

[Guest guest]

Hey, I love JPII !!! Boy, was he my favorite! Actually, daughter and I went

to Germany for WYD for the new Pope.

In my case, I had to get out of contact with nada b/c she was manipulating,

controlling, verbally/emotionally abusing not only me but my daughter. So

daughter comes first, has to be protected. If you are handling all this

without children then you may not have to take it that far. Adults have a

hard enough time dealing with things, but little children should not be

subjected to such things, as we all know as we were once little children.

Even out of contact there is suffering b/c we know we can't have normal

mom/grandmom relationships that could be otherwise enjoyed. I am sure you

have heard of or read about " tough love " It's something that has to be used

sometimes, but it is tough to have to carry it out. Even the good Lord has

to use a version of it on us sometimes.

According to a previous borderline personality that I read about who

recovered, it took them going through feeling abandoned by everyone (a tough

love approach, and not that they really were abandoned but they felt like

they were, of course) before they realized they needed help and something

had to change for them to get out of their own misery.

Here is that really good article written by a recovered borderline

personality at this web site:

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=511

Theresa

>

> -Thanks for your encouraging words. I know that this is a horrible thing

> to go through

> but I am trusting that God allows everything for a reason. If I had never

> confronted this, I

> would have always had this secret to carry. I would have also wondered if

> things could

> have been different. I feel angry with my father but I don't blame him. It

> has taken me a

> long time to sort out the confusion of BPD. I also no longer live in the

> chaos on a daily

> basis. I do feel all alone since my sibings (5 younger) either still live

> at home or do not

> speak to my mother at all. In my family, there are two sibling types:

> those who totally do

> not care about my parents and those who become a martyr for the cause. I

> am done being

> a martyr but I love them very much and am trusting that God will bring

> some good from

> all of this. I am afraid to cut my mom out of my life totally. I don't

> feel like God would ask

> that of a child. There is no love without truth. JPII. I will stand by the

> truth but I am open

> to any compassionate suggestions that anyone may have!

>

> Thanks,

> Marcelle

> > That's so awful that your father did that after you trusted him with

> > that information. On the other hand, at least it's out there now

> > and would there ever have been an easy way to tell her? I've never

> > told my mother I believe she has a personality disorder, but I can't

> > imagine there's an easy way to break that to somebody.

> >

> > One small bit of advice I have is that if you call her bluff you may

> > be surprised. My mother always used the threat of cut off to

> > manipulate me. Once things erupted she tried that threat to make me

> > do like you say back down, lie, apologize to make things back how

> > they were. I refused to do so and called her bluff, and she turned

> > around and came back acting nice again. They do need us and deep

> > down they know it, so you might be surprised what happens if you

> > don't back down. But you have to be willing to live with the

> > consequences if it isn't a bluff. It's so tough trying to give

> > advice because everyone's situation is unique, but I hope some of

> > it's helpful.

> >

> > Wishing you lots of strength and peace

> >

> > sunny

> >

> >

> > > I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this disorder

> > for two years and it

> > > has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

> > oldest of six children,

> > > two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

> > 1,000 incidents of crisis in

> > > my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal

> > with my mother because

> > > she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of

> > her behavior. She will

> > > act one way around her children and then put on a different face

> > for my dad. I feel really

> > > bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem

> > but I am trying to

> > > break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

> > family.

> > >

> > > My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it

> > is because he is

> > > " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at

> > him non-stop.

> > >

> > > Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence

> > about my mom. I have

> > > known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him

> > with anger. We spoke

> > > with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her.

> > He agreed that this

> > > was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and

> > that he would talk to a

> > > priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed

> > that my mom has a

> > > problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as

> > much as possible. I

> > > told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and would

> > be there to talk.

> > >

> > > Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to tell

> > my mom and he did.

> > > He even gave her a book I had given him on the

> > subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> > > Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He

> > did not even really look

> > > into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused

> > the chapter titles. My

> > > mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to

> > save me. I am the focus of

> > > the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

> > >

> > > I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize

> > that she is sick and my

> > > dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates

> > his children's feelings

> > > when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am

> > going to write my dad a

> > > letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down

> > because this is the only

> > > way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

> > However, I do not

> > > know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find

> > out with a punch to

> > > the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my feelings,

> > I will never have a

> > > relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget.

> > Can anyone

> > > recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My mom presented my faith to me as a guilt trip growing up. I prayed because I

was

afraid of going to hell more than because of God's love. JPII has really helped

me to focus

solely on God's infinite love and this has helped me see that even though my

mom's love

was conditional, God's love is not.

My biggest problem at the present moment is that my mom is calling everyone in

my

family, trying to create the " judge and jury " for her case. Of course, all of

my siblings are

taking the fifth but this is how she will operate. She will call everyone and

tell them to

pray for me, make me feel like I am misguided. She is a nurse. She is the

master of

diagnosing people (my brother is an Alcoholic, 5 out of 6 of her children have

ADD, two

have ADHD, one sister is a pathalogical liar, do I need to go on?) The problem

is that she

does not feel I am qualified to make a diagnosis. She diagnosed herself because

she is a

nurse so my biggest fear is that she will create a big head trip that I am only

pushing this

on her because I have a disorder. I will not allow her to do this but it is

very sad that I

cannot have a relationship with my mom. I am struggling to have faith even

though my

mom owns the whole Catholic faith. I try not to rebel against God when my mom

shoves

her religious guilt trips on me. I feel bad for breaking her heart. I feel bad

all the time

anyway though. The biggest thing that I am afraid of is the unknown. I

honestly don't

know what my mom is capable of when pushed to this point. No one has ever taken

this

risk in my family and it is evident that I am on my own. I am so thankful I

have a loving

husband or I would totally think I am going crazy. Everyone's thoughts and

prayers in this

forum have really helped me today!

Thanks.

> > > > I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this disorder

> > > for two years and it

> > > > has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

> > > oldest of six children,

> > > > two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

> > > 1,000 incidents of crisis in

> > > > my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal

> > > with my mother because

> > > > she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of

> > > her behavior. She will

> > > > act one way around her children and then put on a different face

> > > for my dad. I feel really

> > > > bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem

> > > but I am trying to

> > > > break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

> > > family.

> > > >

> > > > My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it

> > > is because he is

> > > > " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at

> > > him non-stop.

> > > >

> > > > Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence

> > > about my mom. I have

> > > > known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him

> > > with anger. We spoke

> > > > with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her.

> > > He agreed that this

> > > > was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and

> > > that he would talk to a

> > > > priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed

> > > that my mom has a

> > > > problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as

> > > much as possible. I

> > > > told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and would

> > > be there to talk.

> > > >

> > > > Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to tell

> > > my mom and he did.

> > > > He even gave her a book I had given him on the

> > > subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> > > > Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He

> > > did not even really look

> > > > into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused

> > > the chapter titles. My

> > > > mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to

> > > save me. I am the focus of

> > > > the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

> > > >

> > > > I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize

> > > that she is sick and my

> > > > dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates

> > > his children's feelings

> > > > when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am

> > > going to write my dad a

> > > > letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down

> > > because this is the only

> > > > way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

> > > However, I do not

> > > > know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find

> > > out with a punch to

> > > > the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my feelings,

> > > I will never have a

> > > > relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget.

> > > Can anyone

> > > > recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My mom did the same judge and jury thing, only with all the homeschoolers my

daughter and I used to associate with, people at church we associated with,

anyone and everyone pretty much that we ever knew. So daughter and I did

also have to separate ourselves from all those people, if they had not done

so already, as there was plenty of them believing nada without ever really

having seen or known me much (nada used to drive my daughter around to most

of their functions, etc) So those people either don't want to be involved at

all any more or they believe her thinking I am the evil, mean one and how

dare I be so mean to my mother, etc etc., when none of them really got to

know me at all. I guess it's easy to make judgments about someone you have

never seen or known very much. Plenty of those people just like the gossip,

I guess. So daughter and I do also feel quite alone now, as she even has

lost contact with some ofher own teen friends b/c of all this mess, which is

rather rotten. My therapist said nadas do that sort of thing - they go

gather as many people as they can on their " side " and tally it up and think

if they have more on their side than you do, then you lose, and so you are

the problem one. Fortunately my daughter and I do go to a differnt church

than nada and even though nada tried to run me down to that priest at our

church, he did not buy it b/c he figured out nada was controlling and

manipulative. He is a wonderful friend for us. So all we have now is him and

my best friend (who has 2 daughters who are friends for my daughter) and I

have my sister who lives 1000 miles away. That's all we have now. It is

quite a lonesome thing to go through when you stand up to your nada b/c they

like to pull that ole " smear campaign " that you read about in Stop Walking

on Eggshells.

You pretty much have to expect that when you set some major boundaries your

nada may possibly stop at nothing - she will call the whole world and smear

your name. That's part of their game. You have to plan on losing everything

pretty much. Fortunately you have your husband. I am a single parent so it

can really feel lonesome from that aspect, especially when trying to decide

what to do about certain things and how to respond. That's where my good

therapist (who just happens to be Catholic like me!) helps out a lot.

As for me, nada is bringing up to everyone my past history of severe

depression. LIke just b/c I went through that in my late teens and overcame

it after 5 years, that that has anything to do with me now that I am 36, 15

years later ! That is supposed to prove I have a looney history, I guess,

and so that it's more likely I could be looney than her. There's not always

any real logic to what they do, either, of course, and they definitely don't

think of consequences of their actions. that's the worst part. What you do

will definitely take courage!

Theresa

>

> My mom presented my faith to me as a guilt trip growing up. I prayed

> because I was

> afraid of going to hell more than because of God's love. JPII has really

> helped me to focus

> solely on God's infinite love and this has helped me see that even though

> my mom's love

> was conditional, God's love is not.

>

> My biggest problem at the present moment is that my mom is calling

> everyone in my

> family, trying to create the " judge and jury " for her case. Of course, all

> of my siblings are

> taking the fifth but this is how she will operate. She will call everyone

> and tell them to

> pray for me, make me feel like I am misguided. She is a nurse. She is the

> master of

> diagnosing people (my brother is an Alcoholic, 5 out of 6 of her children

> have ADD, two

> have ADHD, one sister is a pathalogical liar, do I need to go on?) The

> problem is that she

> does not feel I am qualified to make a diagnosis. She diagnosed herself

> because she is a

> nurse so my biggest fear is that she will create a big head trip that I am

> only pushing this

> on her because I have a disorder. I will not allow her to do this but it

> is very sad that I

> cannot have a relationship with my mom. I am struggling to have faith even

> though my

> mom owns the whole Catholic faith. I try not to rebel against God when my

> mom shoves

> her religious guilt trips on me. I feel bad for breaking her heart. I feel

> bad all the time

> anyway though. The biggest thing that I am afraid of is the unknown. I

> honestly don't

> know what my mom is capable of when pushed to this point. No one has ever

> taken this

> risk in my family and it is evident that I am on my own. I am so thankful

> I have a loving

> husband or I would totally think I am going crazy. Everyone's thoughts and

> prayers in this

> forum have really helped me today!

>

> Thanks.

>

>

> > > > > I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this

> disorder

> > > > for two years and it

> > > > > has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

> > > > oldest of six children,

> > > > > two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

> > > > 1,000 incidents of crisis in

> > > > > my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal

> > > > with my mother because

> > > > > she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of

> > > > her behavior. She will

> > > > > act one way around her children and then put on a different face

> > > > for my dad. I feel really

> > > > > bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem

> > > > but I am trying to

> > > > > break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

> > > > family.

> > > > >

> > > > > My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it

> > > > is because he is

> > > > > " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at

> > > > him non-stop.

> > > > >

> > > > > Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence

> > > > about my mom. I have

> > > > > known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him

> > > > with anger. We spoke

> > > > > with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her.

> > > > He agreed that this

> > > > > was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and

> > > > that he would talk to a

> > > > > priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed

> > > > that my mom has a

> > > > > problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as

> > > > much as possible. I

> > > > > told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and

> would

> > > > be there to talk.

> > > > >

> > > > > Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to

> tell

> > > > my mom and he did.

> > > > > He even gave her a book I had given him on the

> > > > subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> > > > > Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He

> > > > did not even really look

> > > > > into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused

> > > > the chapter titles. My

> > > > > mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to

> > > > save me. I am the focus of

> > > > > the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

> > > > >

> > > > > I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize

> > > > that she is sick and my

> > > > > dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates

> > > > his children's feelings

> > > > > when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am

> > > > going to write my dad a

> > > > > letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down

> > > > because this is the only

> > > > > way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

> > > > However, I do not

> > > > > know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find

> > > > out with a punch to

> > > > > the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my

> feelings,

> > > > I will never have a

> > > > > relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget.

> > > > Can anyone

> > > > > recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> > > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Theresa,

You have been more helpful than you know! My mother homeschooled my youngest

brother and sister (the world is far to dangerous). She isolated them and they

could only

have homeschooling Catholic friends. Too bad that every time there was a

problem, my

mom shared it with people in that sick circle who gossiped. My poor little

sister got

labeled as a tramp and all sorts of other names. My mother has seriously

violated their

personal lives and shared it with Catholic people who are also afraid of the

world. Then

she kept making my sister be friends with these people...how humiliating. I

don't blame

my brother and sister for falling away from the faith. My mom wants everyone to

think

our family is so catholic but she never acts it and my siblings think she is a

hypocrite. I

am 28, married and wonderfully blessed by God in his healing towards this

situation. It is

really difficult being the oldest (who received the most worry and parent like

responsibilities) to walk away from my family now that my life is great. My mom

worked

while she home schooled. My brother and sister were basically left to fend for

themselves

when it came to school. They would do all their work and at the end the term,

my mom

would step in to criticize them before it went in to be corrected. School was

not a positive

thing for them and neither one of them have finished high school. I know I can

walk away

and be fine but there is something so deep in me that is making me fight this

battle for

them. I have a bad case of " survivor's syndrome " since I am the only one in my

family who

is not drowning but I am going to throw this one last lifeline. Then I am

moving on.

My dad was told by a priest that I am misguided because psychology is bad. I

guess you

can pray away a legitimate disorder. (one that my mother's mother had, and my

aunt was

formally diagnosed with schizophrenia before she committed suicide). I am

thankful to

know that there are other Catholic people going through this. This has been a

huge cross

in my life and one that has brought me a lot of guilt for thinking this about my

mother.

My mother is a religious fanatic and uses religion to justify her black and

white mentality.

It is a double cross in our family because it makes her children want to reject

God just to

have some sense of independence from her. It is so conforting to know that

there are

other people who are also trying to have a balance between this craziness and a

normal

relationship with God.

Thanks much.

Marcelle

> > > > > > I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this

> > disorder

> > > > > for two years and it

> > > > > > has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

> > > > > oldest of six children,

> > > > > > two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

> > > > > 1,000 incidents of crisis in

> > > > > > my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to deal

> > > > > with my mother because

> > > > > > she will go into rages and then have a totally different memory of

> > > > > her behavior. She will

> > > > > > act one way around her children and then put on a different face

> > > > > for my dad. I feel really

> > > > > > bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self esteem

> > > > > but I am trying to

> > > > > > break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

> > > > > family.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says it

> > > > > is because he is

> > > > > > " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife coming at

> > > > > him non-stop.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in confidence

> > > > > about my mom. I have

> > > > > > known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to him

> > > > > with anger. We spoke

> > > > > > with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt her.

> > > > > He agreed that this

> > > > > > was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage and

> > > > > that he would talk to a

> > > > > > priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He agreed

> > > > > that my mom has a

> > > > > > problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and learn as

> > > > > much as possible. I

> > > > > > told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and

> > would

> > > > > be there to talk.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to

> > tell

> > > > > my mom and he did.

> > > > > > He even gave her a book I had given him on the

> > > > > subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> > > > > > Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad. He

> > > > > did not even really look

> > > > > > into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only perused

> > > > > the chapter titles. My

> > > > > > mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS to

> > > > > save me. I am the focus of

> > > > > > the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not recognize

> > > > > that she is sick and my

> > > > > > dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never validates

> > > > > his children's feelings

> > > > > > when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I am

> > > > > going to write my dad a

> > > > > > letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me down

> > > > > because this is the only

> > > > > > way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

> > > > > However, I do not

> > > > > > know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to find

> > > > > out with a punch to

> > > > > > the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my

> > feelings,

> > > > > I will never have a

> > > > > > relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and forget.

> > > > > Can anyone

> > > > > > recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > > > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> > > > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > > > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

golly,we really have plenty of similarities. My mom is the all-knowing

CAtholic, too. She had even told me that I should go to confessionand talk

to a priest about the way I was treating her b/c he would tell me I am dead

wrong. I told her, " na, I will let you do that " b/c whenever she went to

confssion, she did not tell her own sins but everyone elses! I know b/c she

used to tell me what she told the priest about dad.

Anywho, my best friend and I know other people are bothered by her using

religion like she does to justify how she is holy and I am not and that sort

of thing. She really has been a turn off on the Catholic religion, at least,

to some people, including possibly my dad. Really makes ya' wanna puke!

Oh, and my daughter was homeschooled byher when I worked outside the home.

Fortunately i was able to take over it all when daughter was 4th grade.

Butnow daughter can tell me how absolutely she hated being homeschooled by

grandnada, that it was a nightmare and so very unpleasant.

nada used to call me at work saying, " I am about to kill your kid! " Of

course, I thought my child was being difficult but I did not know what to do

about nada b/c my daughter and I lived with her! If I crossed her up too

much I could expect me and my daughter to go through more misery.

Fortunately I got brave enough to move out 2.5 years ago. too bad it took me

that long, as daughter was almost 13 by that time, but I really was too

afraid to move out thinking I could not do everyting all on my own. Ends up

I can! Wonder who convinced me I couldn't (hmmmm...someone who is

controlling enough to convince me I can't do things on my own). Did not

matter I had a Master's degree or anything like that. Nada wanted to keep me

and daughter under her thumb, which is why, even though I practically moved

into nada's back yard, she threw a major fit when we moved out, calling me

all sorts of rated X names. It got to the point that she would start to rage

that I had to tell daughter to go play outside until I toldher she could

come back in again. Nada had even sat on the floor in a bedroom and threw a

tantrum like a 3 year old! That was really WEIRD !!

Ya, every time I found some Christian or non-Christian homeschoolers, nada

liked to tell me that either I or daughter would lose our religion. So

ridiculous. I would more likely lose it b/c of her than anyone else.

Ya, nada got some priest to tell her something like " Well, they obviously

don't respect you, so they don't love you " Ugh. Then nada likes to use the

line on me that it would be better for me to hate her, but instead I just

don't care, which is much worse. My best friend told me, " I guess she wants

you to hate her? " hahaha! I just about laughed at that one!

Get this - my friend had to majorly tell off my nada b/c nada kept going to

my friend's house and leaving notes IN her car on the spedometer, IN her

house under the rug, making my friend feel invaded. She told nada she knew

she broke my house windows and was afraid nada would possibly do the same to

her house. Nada sent a note back to friend saying she broke my windows b/c

she was severely depressed, was calling b/c she needed to talk, and I

laughed at her and hung up (ppppffftt!!) Even if all that were true, oh,

that's a great excuse for coming over and busting my windows out in the

middle of winter when it got to below freezing and it was night so I had to

tape a towel over the windows and hope the boogey man did not try to come in

with the big towel pointing to broken window announcement. She has an excuse

for everything. B/c nadas can't self reflect, of course. It's a good thing I

called the police on her for that b/c if I had not, she would be able to

continue such things. Now it's amazing how she can somewhat control her

behavior when she is afraid of the possibility of being arrested. Even after

she does that, I am still supposed to go talk to a priest about how badly I

treat my mother. Argh!

Well, glad you made it to the list here.

Theresa

>

> Theresa,

> You have been more helpful than you know! My mother homeschooled my

> youngest

> brother and sister (the world is far to dangerous). She isolated them and

> they could only

> have homeschooling Catholic friends. Too bad that every time there was a

> problem, my

> mom shared it with people in that sick circle who gossiped. My poor little

> sister got

> labeled as a tramp and all sorts of other names. My mother has seriously

> violated their

> personal lives and shared it with Catholic people who are also afraid of

> the world. Then

> she kept making my sister be friends with these people...how humiliating.

> I don't blame

> my brother and sister for falling away from the faith. My mom wants

> everyone to think

> our family is so catholic but she never acts it and my siblings think she

> is a hypocrite. I

> am 28, married and wonderfully blessed by God in his healing towards this

> situation. It is

> really difficult being the oldest (who received the most worry and parent

> like

> responsibilities) to walk away from my family now that my life is great.

> My mom worked

> while she home schooled. My brother and sister were basically left to fend

> for themselves

> when it came to school. They would do all their work and at the end the

> term, my mom

> would step in to criticize them before it went in to be corrected. School

> was not a positive

> thing for them and neither one of them have finished high school. I know I

> can walk away

> and be fine but there is something so deep in me that is making me fight

> this battle for

> them. I have a bad case of " survivor's syndrome " since I am the only one

> in my family who

> is not drowning but I am going to throw this one last lifeline. Then I am

> moving on.

>

> My dad was told by a priest that I am misguided because psychology is bad.

> I guess you

> can pray away a legitimate disorder. (one that my mother's mother had, and

> my aunt was

> formally diagnosed with schizophrenia before she committed suicide). I am

> thankful to

> know that there are other Catholic people going through this. This has

> been a huge cross

> in my life and one that has brought me a lot of guilt for thinking this

> about my mother.

> My mother is a religious fanatic and uses religion to justify her black

> and white mentality.

> It is a double cross in our family because it makes her children want to

> reject God just to

> have some sense of independence from her. It is so conforting to know that

> there are

> other people who are also trying to have a balance between this craziness

> and a normal

> relationship with God.

> Thanks much.

> Marcelle

>

>

> > > > > > > I have a mother that has BPD. I have been researching this

> > > disorder

> > > > > > for two years and it

> > > > > > > has brought an enormous amount of healing to my life. I am the

> > > > > > oldest of six children,

> > > > > > > two of which still live at home. I have lived through at least

> > > > > > 1,000 incidents of crisis in

> > > > > > > my family, usually on a weekly basis. It is very difficult to

> deal

> > > > > > with my mother because

> > > > > > > she will go into rages and then have a totally different

> memory of

> > > > > > her behavior. She will

> > > > > > > act one way around her children and then put on a different

> face

> > > > > > for my dad. I feel really

> > > > > > > bad for my mom because I know she does not have good self

> esteem

> > > > > > but I am trying to

> > > > > > > break the horrible patterns of guilt and manipulation in our

> > > > > > family.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My dad blames himself for the problems in our family. He says

> it

> > > > > > is because he is

> > > > > > > " emotionally shutdown " . I don't blame him.-he has a wife

> coming at

> > > > > > him non-stop.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Here's where I need help. I recently went to my dad in

> confidence

> > > > > > about my mom. I have

> > > > > > > known about this disorder for a long time so I did not come to

> him

> > > > > > with anger. We spoke

> > > > > > > with a lot of compassion for my mom and not wanting to hurt

> her.

> > > > > > He agreed that this

> > > > > > > was like a huge cloud being lifted off 25 years of marriage

> and

> > > > > > that he would talk to a

> > > > > > > priest about the best way to go about this with my mom. He

> agreed

> > > > > > that my mom has a

> > > > > > > problem! I warned him that he needs to take this SLOW and

> learn as

> > > > > > much as possible. I

> > > > > > > told him I would be willing to help him find support/help and

> > > would

> > > > > > be there to talk.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Well, after ONE day with this information, someone told him to

> > > tell

> > > > > > my mom and he did.

> > > > > > > He even gave her a book I had given him on the

> > > > > > subject. " Understanding the Borderline

> > > > > > > Mother " by Lawson. I feel very violated by my dad.

> He

> > > > > > did not even really look

> > > > > > > into this before telling me that I was misguided--he only

> perused

> > > > > > the chapter titles. My

> > > > > > > mother is devastated and has turned this into another CRISIS

> to

> > > > > > save me. I am the focus of

> > > > > > > the immediate crisis but I am not the root of the problem.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I do not know what to do from here. My mother will not

> recognize

> > > > > > that she is sick and my

> > > > > > > dad went in to this not supporting the subject. He never

> validates

> > > > > > his children's feelings

> > > > > > > when it comes to my mom and is too tired to fight with her. I

> am

> > > > > > going to write my dad a

> > > > > > > letter and express to him my feelings of how he has let me

> down

> > > > > > because this is the only

> > > > > > > way I can express myself. Communication in words = screaming.

> > > > > > However, I do not

> > > > > > > know how to handle my mom. I feel really bad that she had to

> find

> > > > > > out with a punch to

> > > > > > > the face but unless I back down, lie and apologize for my

> > > feelings,

> > > > > > I will never have a

> > > > > > > relationship with my mom again. She does not forgive and

> forget.

> > > > > > Can anyone

> > > > > > > recommend how to deal with a BPD mom in this situation????

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > > > > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

> via

> > > > > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go

> to:

> > > > > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >