AS fathering

[Guest guest]

Kathi,

Don't give up.

tho' I'd be inclined to check with the counseller what real

knowledge/experience on AS fathering they have before spending too much

time or money on them.

I'm not suggesting it's easy, but we Aspies are capable of great things

once we're properly motivated and understand what's required. What

that first needs is the right language.....no, maybe language isn't the

right word .... let's say the right " way of putting things " to get us

going nicely.

Don't assume your husband has the simple and what you thought were

natural basics of parenting pre-programmed into him. Try taking a step

or two backwards with him on these basics and patiently explain what you

want and why you want it. Take it slowly and make sure you're getting

understanding and agreement as you proceed.

Go through the whole problem of instilling some kind of order and

discipline into your pre-teen with your husband. What are the

objectives? What exactly is wrong and needs correcting? What options

are available to the two of you to help and guide your son? Try to

agree on the best options and which of you is going to do what. Sure,

having a lazy teenage slob around will upset both of you, but it will

especially upset an Aspie, so recognise this and work out a joint plan

to counter your son developing that way.

It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, try to avoid any open

siding with your son against his Dad. That will only work to pit one

against the other and make things more difficult for both. Sorry! I

expect you know this anyway.

If for whatever reason your husband feels he can't sleep with you, it's

my opinion that you should respect that first, and work on the reasons

for it second. I have to ask where kinda giggling and thinking " where's

is he going to sleep now " , when you knew there was no comfortable

alternative for him, was going to lead? What would you have done if

your situations had been reversed?

Of course it's bad to be reduced to having to try and sleep in the

bathroom like that, and if course it's bad that he's not able to sleep

with you. Clearly though, he couldn't face the tension or understand

the rows you'd been having and above all he needed peace and quiet.

Aspies can't forgive and forget. Neither can they kiss and make up, so

when he ended up in the bathroom because there was nowhere else to

sleep, that was the " normal " thing an Aspie would do.

When your husband keeps retorting that it's all your fault, I would

tend to take that to mean that he doesn't understand how it's his fault,

and since there isn't anyone else around to blame, so logically it

must be you. That's not the same as meaning he knows a specific thing

you've done wrong and is blaming you for it. I'd say his logic is

flawed there unless he can come up with specifics, so you needn't feel

too bad about it.

But it's definitely not easy, I know.

(another AS who really doesn't have a clue about it either)

--- Lost

Well, I thought I was handling this well. Things seemed to be going

better. I have been reading books, reading the posts here, going to

counseling but still this is so much more than I can handle. As I have

read it seems that kids are sometimes difficult for the AS father to

handle, especially when the are turning to the pre teen age. Our son is

turning 11, the sassing has started, the laziness of an 11 yr old is

very apparent. To me all typical things for a pre teen. I have 3 older

children from a previous marriage so this is nothing new to me. This is

the first child my husband has raised. He abandon his 1st child when she

was a baby. She came into his life when she was 18. She is now 26 and

disappointed with the way their relationship has turned out. She like

myself wanted some kind of connection. I know now that he probably feels

he loves us but just can't get himself to show it. Back to the 10 yr

old. I feel because of the lack of my husbands ability to understand the

simple and what I thought were natural basics of parenting our whole

family dynamic has changed. This week has been a rough one. My son had a

major anxiety attack due to his father harrassing him for 45 minutes,

right in his face. Just days before Dad accused me of always

interferring and not allowing him to discipline our son. So I did let it

go but that was only going to last for so long before I stepped in. When

I finally called my son in to watch TV with me his statement was, " Mom I

don't feel good, I feel really dizzy " . I had him lay down and he just

burst out in tears. I asked, " what's wrong? " He said " I don't know " . I

said, " you can tell mommy anything, what's wrong? " He finally said, " Why

does he do that " I said, " I don't know, you have to learn when it starts

you don't have to be disrespectful but ask him to stop and if he doesn't

then walk away " . That's hard to understand for a 10 yr old. As far as I

see it, he's being bullied right in his own home. It really scared me

and I know a counseling meeting for my son now. When I brought this up

to my husband of course like everything that's wrong in my husbands

life, it's all my fault. He had a temper tantrum, my husband not my son,

this past weekend and wouldn't sleep in our bed. We had some kids spend

the night so the couch and spare bed were taken. I did kinda giggled

thinking, " where is he going to sleep now? " I was astonished, discussed

especially when I tried to open the bathroom door in the middle of the

night and I hit something which turned out to be my husband. He was

literally sleeping on the floor of the bathroom. I told him, " it's time

to find someplace to live if things are so bad that you are sleeping

next to the toilet " He doesn't see it, that is perfectly normal behavior

to him. I am done. Everyone but him is in counseling but it's all my

fault. I just don't know else I could do. It gets worse the longer I

allow this to continue, 12 years is long enough. I am more worried about

my son's future. My real worry is that he thinks this is normal and he

ends up living this crazy life when he is ready to settle down. I have

heard from so many hopeful and helpful people here. You gave me hope and

there was a glimmer of light for a moment but then the real world

crashed in. Kathi