Adult children of Alcoholics

[Guest guest]

At first, I attritubed my nad'a personality to the adult child of an

alcoholic theory. I personally believe there are a lot of similar

charactertics shared by alcoholics and BPD.

Take what you can use and leave the rest. Take care, mg

www.adultchildren.org

www.recovery.org

www.drjan.com

This site has been created to provide a resource for those who are

interested in Dr. Janet Woititz's works and in helping those

impacted by Alcoholism and other dysfunctional personal and family

behaviors.

Adult Children of Alcoholics - BEST SELLER

Healthy Parenting

The Self Sabotage Syndrome

The Struggle with Intimacy

Marriage on the Rocks

Healing Your Sexual Self

Life-Skills for Adult Children

The following are some of the characteristics, agreed upon

by one Alanon-Acoa group, that result in problems in our lives.

a. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures;

b. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process;

c. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism;

d. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another

compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick

abandonment needs;

e. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by

that weakness in our love and friendship relations;

f. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier

for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This

enables us not to look too closely at our faults, etc.

g. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of

giving in to others;

h. We became addicted to excitement;

i. We confuse love and pity and tend to " love " people we can " pity "

and " rescue " ;

j. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and

have

lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts

so much; (DENIAL)

k. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-

esteem;

l. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment

and

will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to

experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from

living

with sick people who were never there emotionally for us;

m. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and

took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not

pick up the drink;

n. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

FAMILY HERO - An achiever, usually (but not always) the oldest

child. Often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet

them, but is without an understanding of their own needs. This is

often a child who uses their success to find a sense of belonging --

the one who shows the family is " all right, " but who is unable to

feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like a fraud and

are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.

THE RESCUER - Similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible

success. The Rescuer finds those in needs, lets them move in or

marries them or finds a job for them while supply other needs and is

very understanding of the frequent betrayals. The rescuer has a deep

seated self-hate that drives them to their role as a savior, because

they know that anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would

have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel inadequate in their

giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.

THE MASCOT - Often a younger child who uses humor or other

distracting behavior, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in

trouble, to take the focus of the family away from the problems of

the family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot

may take the abuse to " save " the rest of the family, or may be able

to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off

the pain of their reality.

THE ADJUSTER - The one who is never bothered by what is happening;

there is no reason to be excited because everyone had to lie with

family problems. The child never becomes too attached to goal or a

desire because they have learned to change their direction at any

moment. They float, knowing something is wrong but coping, often

successfully, with one chaotic situation after another by

surrendering their identity to the needs of the moment.

THE DOORMAT - The abused child who survives by lying down and

letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant

or dangerous confrontation. This child is very understanding of the

need someone else may have to injure him/her, but cannot identify

his/her feelings about the abuse in the past or present.

THE ACTING OUT CHILD or THE REBEL - This child is in action at the

slightest provocation, whether as an heroic action to prevent abuse

to someone else (by distracting the abuser) or to protect

himself/herself with wildness. This is the child who is most visible

to the outside world and who may adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or

other compulsive behavior early in defiance of the family system.

THE SCAPEGOAT or FAMILY JERK - This child takes the blame and shame

for the

actions of other family members by being the most visibly

dysfunctional. This child serves the family by being sick or crazy

to allow the other members of the family to ignore their own

dysfunction. This is also the child who holds the family together --

the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to remain

dysfunctional to continue receiving the little attention available

in a dysfunctional home by making the family " okay " by being the

focus of all that is " not okay " which all members of the family

vaguely sense.

THE BULLY - This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual

and/or

emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to

stop being the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is

genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering caused to others,

but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face his/her own

pain.

THE LOST CHILD - Often a younger (or the youngest) child, this

personality type has learned to stay out of the way, not make

his/her wants known and to expect nothing. They avoid feeling by

denying that they have feelings. They adopt whatever behavior will

allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school

or in a relationship. This is the child who can assume whatever

personality those around him/her find least threatening.

THE LAST HOPE - Similar to the Lost Child, the Last Hope is the

caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable

to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments

like " You'll never hurt me like so-and-so. " These children may work

themselves to death trying to do " what's right " for blood relations

or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life.

Each of the personality types has special needs in Recovery, and

each type can recover if they are willing to take the risk in

believing they can change and heal.

Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character

traits of the children can be equally blurred. An Adult Child may

have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a

different role within the family at different ages or depending on

who they are responding to.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sending this, this is great stuff! I'd to share a bit of my

experience with the group on this topic.

I am a recovering alcoholic and an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic). It

took me a lot longer to admit my father's alcoholism had an affect on me

than it did my own, so that I was probably into at least my 3rd year of

recovery from my own alcoholism before I began to even realize that the fact

that I had been brought up by an alcoholic the first 10 years of my life had

any affect upon me whatsoever. My father is such a " normal, high

functioning " person, even if he is an alcoholic, and I had him way up on

this pedastal ever since my Mother had divorced him when I was 10. She

tried to turn me against him, and it backfired. I was very loyal to my

father, and I loved him dearly.

My Dad was never physically abusive. He went to work everyday (he was a

school teacher, and a musician), and we seemed to have a very normal life.

The best memories from my childhood involve fun times playing with my Dad

when I was very young. Or swimming with him in the back yard. Or boating.

Or the parties he would have. He was/is an entertainer. These are all good

memories. So, used to always say, my Dad's an alcoholic, ya, but that had

no affect upon me at all. It took me having my own children, and being

around him to see how it had affected me. He checks out. He is rarely

listening. My Dad is one of the most narcisisstic people I've ever known,

but this can be really tied in with the alcoholism too, so it's hard to say

if he'd be that way if not for his disease and with the progression I'm sure

his self-centeredness has gotten much worse over the years. I love my Dad

very much, but it's difficult to be around him for very long. I worry about

him, and it makes me sad. I have always longed to spend more time with my

Dad (since the age of 10), but realize this isn't going to work out now with

things the way that they are.

I've recently become aware of a pattern with my father. He's had some

doozy's for girlfriends, OK? I don't know how else to put it. And, then

figuring this out about my Mom (they were married for 10 years), makes me

wondered if he has some sort of attraction to BPD women. I've read that

sometimes that will happen, that men with NPD and woman with BPD will go

together. I have a book that talks about it. I found that to be

interesting.

My nada is not an alcoholic or a child of an alcoholic, but she came from a

dysfuntional family I guess you'd call it. She says her father was abusive

(she was afraid of him), and abandoned them (1950's), and they were very

poor when she was growing up. She thinks he had untreated manic

depression - and could be. I think she married my Dad in a hurry to escape.

And, was soon very miserable and depressed.

So, I have ended up in recovery, due to my own inability to handle liquor.

I could not drink like my father at all. I got sober at 26. And, with that

came so much more that I never expected.

One of the biggest things that I never expected is that my relationship with

my Mom would get worse and worse (instead of closer, or healed, or better

somehow). And, it has always troubled me. Yet I have kept on searching for

answers and kept on trying. And, now I know why. And, now I am getting and

opportunity to do the really difficult work of working on me by changing the

things I can. Facing my fears. Taking responsibility for my own life and

choices and everything. The turning point I have recently hit is huge. I

feel like I can finally see and now I am getting the chance to finally grow

up. I'm grateful, but it's very hard too.

From my experience, we not only share many characteristics (ACOA's and

BPD's), but the thing I've noticed is that many many alcoholics (in

recovery) are ACOA's, but some clearly have traits of BPD and/or NPD. These

2 personality disorders seem to be really common among us for some reason,

and can't help but wonder if it is from being raised in alcoholic homes.

Because most alcoholic upbringings are much harsher than mine was. I

suffered from emotional abuse/neglect, which was so subtle I almost never

recognized it for what it was. Many people who do not have alcoholic

parents are probably raised that way. But, many of my friends have grown up

in war zones and have horror stories to tell. Alcoholism is a family

disease and the children suffer there is no doubt about it.

From this list, I clearly took on the HERO Child role (age 0-10), but also

identified with the rescuer role (later in life). And, had switched over to

either the ACTING OUT/REBEL role or the SCAPEGOAT (10-21), I was not sure

which.

I strongly identify with the rebel. But, also the scapegoat, maybe I've

played both at different times.

Adult children of Alcoholics

> At first, I attritubed my nad'a personality to the adult child of an

> alcoholic theory. I personally believe there are a lot of similar

> charactertics shared by alcoholics and BPD.

>

> Take what you can use and leave the rest. Take care, mg

>

> www.adultchildren.org

> www.recovery.org

>

> www.drjan.com

> This site has been created to provide a resource for those who are

> interested in Dr. Janet Woititz's works and in helping those

> impacted by Alcoholism and other dysfunctional personal and family

> behaviors.

>

> Adult Children of Alcoholics - BEST SELLER

> Healthy Parenting

> The Self Sabotage Syndrome

> The Struggle with Intimacy

> Marriage on the Rocks

> Healing Your Sexual Self

> Life-Skills for Adult Children

>

>

> The following are some of the characteristics, agreed upon

> by one Alanon-Acoa group, that result in problems in our lives.

>

> a. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures;

>

> b. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process;

>

> c. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism;

>

> d. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another

> compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick

> abandonment needs;

>

> e. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by

> that weakness in our love and friendship relations;

>

> f. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier

> for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This

> enables us not to look too closely at our faults, etc.

>

> g. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of

> giving in to others;

>

> h. We became addicted to excitement;

>

> i. We confuse love and pity and tend to " love " people we can " pity "

> and " rescue " ;

>

> j. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and

> have

> lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts

> so much; (DENIAL)

>

> k. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-

> esteem;

>

> l. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment

> and

> will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to

> experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from

> living

> with sick people who were never there emotionally for us;

>

> m. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and

> took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not

> pick up the drink;

>

> n. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

>

>

> CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

> FAMILY HERO - An achiever, usually (but not always) the oldest

> child. Often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet

> them, but is without an understanding of their own needs. This is

> often a child who uses their success to find a sense of belonging --

> the one who shows the family is " all right, " but who is unable to

> feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like a fraud and

> are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.

>

> THE RESCUER - Similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible

> success. The Rescuer finds those in needs, lets them move in or

> marries them or finds a job for them while supply other needs and is

> very understanding of the frequent betrayals. The rescuer has a deep

> seated self-hate that drives them to their role as a savior, because

> they know that anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would

> have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel inadequate in their

> giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.

>

> THE MASCOT - Often a younger child who uses humor or other

> distracting behavior, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in

> trouble, to take the focus of the family away from the problems of

> the family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot

> may take the abuse to " save " the rest of the family, or may be able

> to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off

> the pain of their reality.

>

> THE ADJUSTER - The one who is never bothered by what is happening;

> there is no reason to be excited because everyone had to lie with

> family problems. The child never becomes too attached to goal or a

> desire because they have learned to change their direction at any

> moment. They float, knowing something is wrong but coping, often

> successfully, with one chaotic situation after another by

> surrendering their identity to the needs of the moment.

>

> THE DOORMAT - The abused child who survives by lying down and

> letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant

> or dangerous confrontation. This child is very understanding of the

> need someone else may have to injure him/her, but cannot identify

> his/her feelings about the abuse in the past or present.

>

> THE ACTING OUT CHILD or THE REBEL - This child is in action at the

> slightest provocation, whether as an heroic action to prevent abuse

> to someone else (by distracting the abuser) or to protect

> himself/herself with wildness. This is the child who is most visible

> to the outside world and who may adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or

> other compulsive behavior early in defiance of the family system.

>

> THE SCAPEGOAT or FAMILY JERK - This child takes the blame and shame

> for the

> actions of other family members by being the most visibly

> dysfunctional. This child serves the family by being sick or crazy

> to allow the other members of the family to ignore their own

> dysfunction. This is also the child who holds the family together --

> the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to remain

> dysfunctional to continue receiving the little attention available

> in a dysfunctional home by making the family " okay " by being the

> focus of all that is " not okay " which all members of the family

> vaguely sense.

>

> THE BULLY - This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual

> and/or

> emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to

> stop being the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is

> genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering caused to others,

> but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face his/her own

> pain.

>

> THE LOST CHILD - Often a younger (or the youngest) child, this

> personality type has learned to stay out of the way, not make

> his/her wants known and to expect nothing. They avoid feeling by

> denying that they have feelings. They adopt whatever behavior will

> allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school

> or in a relationship. This is the child who can assume whatever

> personality those around him/her find least threatening.

>

> THE LAST HOPE - Similar to the Lost Child, the Last Hope is the

> caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable

> to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments

> like " You'll never hurt me like so-and-so. " These children may work

> themselves to death trying to do " what's right " for blood relations

> or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life.

>

> Each of the personality types has special needs in Recovery, and

> each type can recover if they are willing to take the risk in

> believing they can change and heal.

>

> Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character

> traits of the children can be equally blurred. An Adult Child may

> have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a

> different role within the family at different ages or depending on

> who they are responding to.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

> 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>