Guest guest Posted September 6, 2005 Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 sorry for this nightmare... It reminds me too of something I heard about displaced grieving, that a little boy lost his dad to cancer, and never cried, but a year later his collie died, and he cried and cried and cried, and they psychologist told them it was because he had never grieved about his dad.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2005 Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 Hi there, this is an interesting thread. I have a story from my childhood about a pet death that has haunted me. This is surrounding my parents divorce when I was 10, and how horribly my nada handled the whole situation. I had 2 cats that I loved and took care of. My #1kitty was fluffy, I'd had since I was age 6. She had a total of 13 liters of kittens. I always took good care of the kittens, and found them homes, etc., But, one time I fell in love with a grey calico she had, and kept that one, whose name was Smokey. Right before we moved after my parents divorce, both Fluffy and Smokey has kittens, so that I had 11 cats total, my 2 mama cats, plus 9 kittens to care for. One day I woke up and all 11 of my kitties were gone. I panicked. I told my Mommy that we could not go to the new town because my cats were gone, and of course we could not go until and unless I found them. She didn't say anything (HMMMMM????). I went and got my 3 best friends, and next door neighbors, other little girls, and we searched the neighborhood (lived in the country), until lo and behold, we discovered all 11 of my cats, save and sound on a nearby farm, all together. 6 of the kittens were too little to walk, so I knew someone had moved them (?). My and my friends got boxes and put the kitties in the boxes and carried them home. I was all happy and excited to show my Mother, and to tell her I could move to the new town now that my kitties were safe and sound and I had found them. She then told me the cats could not come because we were moving to an apartment that allowed no pets. In my subconsciencious I knew she had gotten rid of my beloved pets, rather than allowing me to take care of them. I found this to be unually cruel. On the actual day we were moving I refused to leave without my cats. I was so overwhelmed with grief and pain, and unablet to deal with my emotions (an no one to help me), that I threw myself on the ground and began to cry and kick and scream (I was 10, and this was not my normal behavior, I was regressing under stress). My nada walked away in disgust and hatred. My grandmother held me (thank god for her, she was my angel that day). And, because of her, I was allowed to bring my main cat, Fluffy, on the long trip that I dreaded. I lost everything that day, and was forced to go and live with my Mother against my will which I absolutely did not want to do. My life took a turn for the worst forever that day, and my childhood was lost forever. I lost my home, my father, my extended family, my friends, my security, everything I ever knew and loved was taken from me. All because she did not love my father anymore (she never had actually). Then she turned it around and did everything in her power to make me believe it was about what a horrible person my father was, and not about her (which made me hate her for saying these things about my Dad, and doing this to me). I was promised that I would get to come back and get and get my other cat at my first visit " home " . 6 months later, my first visit home (which was not home really anymore, because everything had changed, especially my Dad, the security, stability was gone for sure), my precious kitty cat got hit by a car on the day I was going to get to take her home. I was devastated. All my grief came out surrounding the death of Smokey - it overwhelmed me in that moment, I could not stop crying. But, I think it was everything I had been holding in for all those months, surrounding my parents divorce and especially my nada's complete inability to place her children's needs first, and to help me to process my emotions or to adjust to the overwhelming change in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2005 Report Share Posted September 8, 2005 Hi Lula, That's great! I love your Fluffy story. As soon as you began to tell me of it, it dawned on me that I think I've been doing the same thing (grieving the Mother I never had) for longer than I think I have - and I just didn't know that's what it was. I also bought myself a stuffed animal ( " Elle " ), a bright pink (fuschcia) nearly red elephant, that I slept with and hugged everynight for awhile. I seem to have outgrown her now, and passed her on to my 2 year old (<smile>). I can't recall exactly when this was, but it was sometime after the birth of my last child, I'm thinking when she a year or more ago, because it seems like she was already starting to talk (the baby). I think a lot of my growth regarding my Nada, has come about as a result of the birth of my last child (3rd) child. I went through so many changes. For one thing my last 2 children were 9, almost 10 years apart, so it was almost like having my " first pregnancy " all over again since it'd been so long. -I was much older. I had been only 26 and 28 when I had my older 2 children, and this time I was 38 yrs. old. Additionally, my physical health was not as good now, and I had a rough pregnancy and childbirth experience (including emergency C-section, totally unexpected). 38 is a lot older than 28! Plus at 28 I felt much younger than my physical years emotionally, due to my status as a recovering alcoholic woman in early recovery, and now I know child of a BPD mom. In other words, I did a lot of growing up during that decade (in therapy the whole time, and AA). -I was in a relationship with the father of the baby, and prior I had always been a single Mother (my older 2 children do not know their birth fathers). All of these changes, and I am probably being redundant too, but anyway something you said, made me need to write, so I hope you don't mind. After the birth of my 3rd child, I suffered from a postpartem depressive episode, I now am aware. I also had experienced this after the birth of my 2nd child (my now 12 year old daughter). In fact, I had been depressed throughout that entire preganancy, and after the birth the depression never quite lifted, and it worsened and intensifed when she was about one. I now realize much of this was most likely due to life circumstances, lack of support, isolation, shaming I experienced from my FOO, especially Nada. So, during my last (3rd), and most recent pregnancy and birthing experience, and my 2 year olds infance, I kept getting memories (bad memories) of all of that. Of my last pregnancy and birthing experience, and how I was treated by my BP Mother, how horribly she treated me, and it all culminated in a horrible fight 4 days after my daughter was born on my 29th birthday. It was like I forgot it all (to protect myself), I didn't actually forget, but I forgot my feelings, or just minimized it in order to deal you know? But, when I was pregnant this last time, it all started coming back to the surface, the emotional memories, the disblief that my own mother would do these things to me, etc., And, I was so disgusted. I began to have dreams of choking and losing my voice. I would actually wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I was dying or going to die. It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, panic). At first I couldn't even explain why, but the more depressed I was, the more certain I was that I could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I felt towards her. And, the more determined I felt to fight for my life all at the same time. It was weird. I began to believe that she would steal my children away from me if she could, and then would think I was losing my mind for thinking such nonsense. That was all about 2 years ago. That period of my life was like living through a hellish nightmare. It should've been the happiest time of my life, with a new baby and all. But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and unsupported by the people who were supposed to be helping me. I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, and eventually here in this group. Re: re: pet deaths > Hi , > > That was so selfish and insensitive of nada. The > least that she could have done was to tell you that > they would not allow lots of cats in the apt. You > could have had closure with the cats, instead of > finding them on a farm! And then all the other sad > memories of this time of your life that are enmeshed > with memory of the losing your cats (UGH). > > On another note, here's a " funny " story...When I first > came to this Group in June, I started to grieve the > loss of the mother I never had. I was in a store and > saw a stuffed animal and felt this intense need for > it. I also strangely felt an intense need for a > security blanket. > > I told my DH about this on the phone. When he came > home from work he surprised me with a cute stuffed > animal - a white arctic seal, which I named " FLUFFY. " > Fluffy was rescued from a wire cage at Toys R Us. > > We've been having a lot of fun with Fluffy. He's sort > of like that traveing gnome. But, he does represent > part of the childhood feelings I was never allowed to > express. > > I don't know what I'd do if nada took my Fluffy away! > That would be horrible. (I'd have to search for him > playing in the ocean, hoping that he did not get eaten > by other seals! LOL) > > Hugs, > Lula > > --- wrote: > >> Hi there, >> this is an interesting thread. I have a story from >> my childhood about a pet death that has haunted me. >> >> This is surrounding my parents divorce when I was >> 10, and how horribly my nada handled the whole >> situation. I had 2 cats that I loved and took care >> of. >> My #1kitty was fluffy, I'd had since I was age 6. >> She had a total of 13 liters of kittens. I always >> took good care of the kittens, and found them homes, >> etc., But, one time I fell in love with a grey >> calico she had, and kept that one, whose name was >> Smokey. >> Right before we moved after my parents divorce, both >> Fluffy and Smokey has kittens, so that I had 11 cats >> total, my 2 mama cats, plus 9 kittens to care for. >> One day I woke up and all 11 of my kitties were >> gone. I panicked. I told my Mommy that we could >> not go to the new town because my cats were gone, >> and of course we could not go until and unless I >> found them. She didn't say anything (HMMMMM????). >> I went and got my 3 best friends, and next door >> neighbors, other little girls, and we searched the >> neighborhood (lived in the country), until lo and >> behold, we discovered all 11 of my cats, save and >> sound on a nearby farm, all together. 6 of the >> kittens were too little to walk, so I knew someone >> had moved them (?). My and my friends got boxes >> and put the kitties in the boxes and carried them >> home. I was all happy and excited to show my >> Mother, and to tell her I could move to the new town >> now that my kitties were safe and sound and I had >> found them. She then told me the cats could not >> come because we were moving to an apartment that >> allowed no pets. >> In my subconsciencious I knew she had gotten rid of >> my beloved pets, rather than allowing me to take >> care of them. I found this to be unually cruel. >> >> On the actual day we were moving I refused to leave >> without my cats. I was so overwhelmed with grief >> and pain, and unablet to deal with my emotions (an >> no one to help me), that I threw myself on the >> ground and began to cry and kick and scream (I was >> 10, and this was not my normal behavior, I was >> regressing under stress). My nada walked away in >> disgust and hatred. My grandmother held me (thank >> god for her, she was my angel that day). And, >> because of her, I was allowed to bring my main cat, >> Fluffy, on the long trip that I dreaded. I lost >> everything that day, and was forced to go and live >> with my Mother against my will which I absolutely >> did not want to do. My life took a turn for the >> worst forever that day, and my childhood was lost >> forever. I lost my home, my father, my extended >> family, my friends, my security, everything I ever >> knew and loved was taken from me. All because she >> did not love my father anymore (she never had >> actually). Then she turned it around and did >> everything in her power to make me believe it was >> about what a horrible person my father was, and not >> about her (which made me hate her for saying these >> things about my Dad, and doing this to me). >> >> I was promised that I would get to come back and get >> and get my other cat at my first visit " home " . 6 >> months later, my first visit home (which was not >> home really anymore, because everything had changed, >> especially my Dad, the security, stability was gone >> for sure), my precious kitty cat got hit by a car on >> the day I was going to get to take her home. I >> was devastated. All my grief came out surrounding >> the death of Smokey - it overwhelmed me in that >> moment, I could not stop crying. But, I think it >> was everything I had been holding in for all those >> months, surrounding my parents divorce and >> especially my nada's complete inability to place her >> children's needs first, and to help me to process my >> emotions or to adjust to the overwhelming change in >> my life. >> >> >> >> [Non-text portions of this message have been >> removed] >> >> > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2005 Report Share Posted September 8, 2005 Hi , Fluffy says " hi " and thinks Elle sound really cool and hot too! He'd like to get together with her (wink wink), but that's another post somewhere else in Oz! Regarding your dream, , you must have finally felt safe and ready to confront those repressed memories. If you hadn't, nada would have " stolen " your children, b/c she would have contaminated them with her nada-ness, and eventually they'd wind up here, on this Board, if they were lucky. So, it was a really difficult time, but a courageous time and a transformational time b/c you began to heal yourself and cut the cycle that has been passed down thru generations. Now, that's something to celebrate! When I was at my wit's end, bankrupt and my life was a complete disaster, I kept having a repetitive nightmare that I was holding onto the edge of a cliff with my fingernails (chewed off fingernails) and the cliff would shake due to an earthquake. When awake, I would fear that I could not survive in the outer world, and death to me meant going to nada's house to live - where I could not be allowed to live - I would surely die. Somehow, in the dream, I always managed to hold onto the edge of the cliff and survive. This cliff incident also happened in reality about 8 years earlier than the dream. It happened in an Outward-Bound-like course taught by EST. I literally hung onto the edge of a cliff with my bare fingernails and literally almost died b/c I was so hysterical at the thought of rappelling down the cliff, I unhooked my paraphernalia and was hanging onto the edge of a six-story cliff. I survived there too. Somehow, we all survived. It's miraculous, isn't it? Hugs, Lula --- wrote: when I was pregnant this last time, it all > started coming back to the > surface, the emotional memories, the disblief that > my own mother would do > these things to me, etc., And, I was so disgusted. > I began to have dreams of choking and losing my > voice. I would actually > wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I was > dying or going to die. > It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, panic). > At first I couldn't even > explain why, but the more depressed I was, the more > certain I was that I > could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I > felt towards her. And, the > more determined I felt to fight for my life all at > the same time. It was > weird. > I began to believe that she would steal my children > away from me if she > could, and then would think I was losing my mind for > thinking such nonsense. > That was all about 2 years ago. That period of my > life was like living > through a hellish nightmare. > It should've been the happiest time of my life, with > a new baby and all. > But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and > unsupported by the people who > were supposed to be helping me. > I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, and > eventually here in this > group. > > ______________________________________________________ Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort. http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate3/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 My uncle died when I was 5 years old. He had a daughter who was my age. We were to young to understand what was happening. We looked at him in his coffin and started laughing. I thought it was some kind of game that he was playing. One day when I was 14 I thought about it and got very upset, about laughing and him being dead. I couldn't stop crying. I cried the whole day. My mother told me that I was acting ridiculous for getting upset about something that happened so long ago. When she cried about it at the funeral I gave her sympathy and compassion. When I cried about it after I became emotionally mature enough to be able to mourn his death , she called it ridiculous. Maybe that is why I laugh when I think about her bird flying away, at the first opportunity and never coming back. That bird was smarter than I was. Mike In ModOasis , planetlula <planetlula@y...> wrote: > Hi , > > Fluffy says " hi " and thinks Elle sound really cool and > hot too! He'd like to get together with her (wink > wink), but that's another post somewhere else in Oz! > > Regarding your dream, , you must have finally > felt safe and ready to confront those repressed > memories. If you hadn't, nada would have " stolen " > your children, b/c she would have contaminated them > with her nada-ness, and eventually they'd wind up > here, on this Board, if they were lucky. > > So, it was a really difficult time, but a courageous > time and a transformational time b/c you began to heal > yourself and cut the cycle that has been passed down > thru generations. Now, that's something to celebrate! > > When I was at my wit's end, bankrupt and my life was a > complete disaster, I kept having a repetitive > nightmare that I was holding onto the edge of a cliff > with my fingernails (chewed off fingernails) and the > cliff would shake due to an earthquake. When awake, I > would fear that I could not survive in the outer > world, and death to me meant going to nada's house to > live - where I could not be allowed to live - I would > surely die. Somehow, in the dream, I always managed > to hold onto the edge of the cliff and survive. > > This cliff incident also happened in reality about 8 > years earlier than the dream. It happened in an > Outward-Bound-like course taught by EST. I literally > hung onto the edge of a cliff with my bare fingernails > and literally almost died b/c I was so hysterical at > the thought of rappelling down the cliff, I unhooked > my paraphernalia and was hanging onto the edge of a > six-story cliff. I survived there too. > > Somehow, we all survived. It's miraculous, isn't it? > > Hugs, > Lula > > > --- <kthielen@k...> wrote: > when I was pregnant this last time, it all > > started coming back to the > > surface, the emotional memories, the disblief that > > my own mother would do > > these things to me, etc., And, I was so disgusted. > > I began to have dreams of choking and losing my > > voice. I would actually > > wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I was > > dying or going to die. > > It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, panic). > > At first I couldn't even > > explain why, but the more depressed I was, the more > > certain I was that I > > could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I > > felt towards her. And, the > > more determined I felt to fight for my life all at > > the same time. It was > > weird. > > I began to believe that she would steal my children > > away from me if she > > could, and then would think I was losing my mind for > > thinking such nonsense. > > That was all about 2 years ago. That period of my > > life was like living > > through a hellish nightmare. > > It should've been the happiest time of my life, with > > a new baby and all. > > But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and > > unsupported by the people who > > were supposed to be helping me. > > I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, and > > eventually here in this > > group. > > > > > > > > > ______________________________________________________ > Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort. > http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate3/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 --- From what I have read it is pretty common for people raised by BP's to not express their feelings. They have been taught that it is inapproiate to do it. You can hold it in for a long time but sooner or later its comming out, like your little hysterical episode at the bank. When you keep it bottled up like that, when it comes out then you are out of control with it. Mike In ModOasis , planetlula <planetlula@y...> wrote: > Hi Mike, > > I saw on the Discovery Channel, I think, a documentary > type program on animals, and that animals appear to > have extra-sensory perception....And it makes me think > of birds and their " fight or flight " instinct. It > could well be that the bird could see into nada's soul > and b/c of its wings, do what none of us were able to > do...fly away and never return! (hehehe) > > Also, what you mention about your uncle's funeral > brought up a lot of stuff for me. I do remember a > similar type of experience, when I was standing on > line at a bank with nada when I was 12. I just > started laughing hysterically, uncontrollably and so > loudly (really loudly, everyone in the bank heard me). > It was a loud, obnoxious big belly laugh. And it > lasted several minutes, until we left the bank. > > At that time, most likely accompanied by some > pubescent hormonal surge, maybe, the bank and all the > people in it, including nada and I seemed like the > most ludicrous, ridiculous things on the planet. > > And also, just the fact that I was not supposed to > laugh there and the fact that banks were such serious > places (almost like a funeral parlor and the > inappropriateness and forbiddenness of the laughter > made the laughter more uncontrollable. > > From when I was very young, about 5 (just became fully > verbal), I always felt embarrassed and ashamed at > expressing emotions, especially sadness accompanied by > tears b/c it was a sign of weakness, kinda like soul > rape. And when I was 10 or 11, 12, 13, I became > increasingly uncomfortable in any social situation > where you expressed emotion. To this day, I am still > embarrassed to sing in public (unless I want to really > annoy someone by singing off-key, which I enjoy). > > During my later teen years, this fear of opening my > mouth, expressing emotion or just being me was so > painful to bear. I became an emotional recluse, an > observer, and watched others enjoy their teen years. > I just felt like a freak and in my 9th grade social > studies class I never said one word the entire year. > > So, I understand the feeling of laughing at the > coffin. And I also understand the tears of never > expressing what I should have felt when it would have > been appropriate to feel it. And I understand how > having a nada complicates the issue b/c your feelings > are never your own. And when you feel what you should > have felt long ago, and nada no longer feels it and > takes away your feelings again and again and again, > it's really unbearable. > > -Lula > > --- formuula154 <formuula154@y...> wrote: > > > > > > > > > My uncle died when I was 5 years old. He had a > > daughter who was my > > age. We were to young to understand what was > > happening. We looked at > > him in his coffin and started laughing. I thought it > > was some kind of > > game that he was playing. One day when I was 14 I > > thought about it and > > got very upset, about laughing and him being dead. I > > couldn't stop > > crying. I cried the whole day. My mother told me > > that I was acting > > ridiculous for getting upset about something that > > happened so long ago. > > When she cried about it at the funeral I gave her > > sympathy and > > compassion. When I cried about it after I became > > emotionally mature > > enough to be able to mourn his death , she called it > > ridiculous. Maybe > > that is why I laugh when I think about her bird > > flying away, at the > > first opportunity and never coming back. That bird > > was smarter than I was. > > > > > > > > Mike > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In ModOasis , planetlula > > <planetlula@y...> wrote: > > > Hi , > > > > > > Fluffy says " hi " and thinks Elle sound really cool > > and > > > hot too! He'd like to get together with her (wink > > > wink), but that's another post somewhere else in > > Oz! > > > > > > Regarding your dream, , you must have finally > > > felt safe and ready to confront those repressed > > > memories. If you hadn't, nada would have " stolen " > > > your children, b/c she would have contaminated > > them > > > with her nada-ness, and eventually they'd wind up > > > here, on this Board, if they were lucky. > > > > > > So, it was a really difficult time, but a > > courageous > > > time and a transformational time b/c you began to > > heal > > > yourself and cut the cycle that has been passed > > down > > > thru generations. Now, that's something to > > celebrate! > > > > > > When I was at my wit's end, bankrupt and my life > > was a > > > complete disaster, I kept having a repetitive > > > nightmare that I was holding onto the edge of a > > cliff > > > with my fingernails (chewed off fingernails) and > > the > > > cliff would shake due to an earthquake. When > > awake, I > > > would fear that I could not survive in the outer > > > world, and death to me meant going to nada's house > > to > > > live - where I could not be allowed to live - I > > would > > > surely die. Somehow, in the dream, I always > > managed > > > to hold onto the edge of the cliff and survive. > > > > > > This cliff incident also happened in reality about > > 8 > > > years earlier than the dream. It happened in an > > > Outward-Bound-like course taught by EST. I > > literally > > > hung onto the edge of a cliff with my bare > > fingernails > > > and literally almost died b/c I was so hysterical > > at > > > the thought of rappelling down the cliff, I > > unhooked > > > my paraphernalia and was hanging onto the edge of > > a > > > six-story cliff. I survived there too. > > > > > > Somehow, we all survived. It's miraculous, isn't > > it? > > > > > > Hugs, > > > Lula > > > > > > > > > --- <kthielen@k...> wrote: > > > when I was pregnant this last time, it all > > > > started coming back to the > > > > surface, the emotional memories, the disblief > > that > > > > my own mother would do > > > > these things to me, etc., And, I was so > > disgusted. > > > > I began to have dreams of choking and losing my > > > > voice. I would actually > > > > wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I > > was > > > > dying or going to die. > > > > It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, > > panic). > > > > At first I couldn't even > > > > explain why, but the more depressed I was, the > > more > > > > certain I was that I > > > > could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I > > > > felt towards her. And, the > > > > more determined I felt to fight for my life all > > at > > > > the same time. It was > > > > weird. > > > > I began to believe that she would steal my > > children > > > > away from me if she > > > > could, and then would think I was losing my mind > > for > > > > thinking such nonsense. > > > > That was all about 2 years ago. That period of > > my > > > > life was like living > > > > through a hellish nightmare. > > > > It should've been the happiest time of my life, > > with > > > > a new baby and all. > > > > But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and > > > > unsupported by the people who > > > > were supposed to be helping me. > > > > I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, > > and > > > > eventually here in this > > > > group. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ______________________________________________________ > > > Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina > > relief effort. > > > http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate3/ > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2005 Report Share Posted September 10, 2005 I have found that I am able to express emotions only by myself. I have what I call 'pity parties' wherein I allow myself to cry and wallow in my pain and grief about all sorts of things but I can't do it in the presence of others - just my dog of course! I'm kinda sorta starting to do it with my therapist but I even find that as soon as he starts actually CARING for me that I shut down and go numb. I am the quintessencial 'strong' female and have always attracted men, and even friends, who are 'weaker' than me and I am beginning to see that I have strategically selected them in order to conceal my real feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. My fear now is that I will never be able to open myself up to someone who will....well, actually that's it, that I will never truly open myself up because I really just don't think I know how to do it. Hmmmm. -. > > > > when I was pregnant this last time, it all > > > > > started coming back to the > > > > > surface, the emotional memories, the disblief > > > that > > > > > my own mother would do > > > > > these things to me, etc., And, I was so > > > disgusted. > > > > > I began to have dreams of choking and losing my > > > > > voice. I would actually > > > > > wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I > > > was > > > > > dying or going to die. > > > > > It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, > > > panic). > > > > > At first I couldn't even > > > > > explain why, but the more depressed I was, the > > > more > > > > > certain I was that I > > > > > could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I > > > > > felt towards her. And, the > > > > > more determined I felt to fight for my life all > > > at > > > > > the same time. It was > > > > > weird. > > > > > I began to believe that she would steal my > > > children > > > > > away from me if she > > > > > could, and then would think I was losing my mind > > > for > > > > > thinking such nonsense. > > > > > That was all about 2 years ago. That period of > > > my > > > > > life was like living > > > > > through a hellish nightmare. > > > > > It should've been the happiest time of my life, > > > with > > > > > a new baby and all. > > > > > But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and > > > > > unsupported by the people who > > > > > were supposed to be helping me. > > > > > I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, > > > and > > > > > eventually here in this > > > > > group. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ______________________________________________________ > > > > Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina > > > relief effort. > > > > http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate3/ > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2005 Report Share Posted September 10, 2005 --- > actually that's it, that I will never truly open myself up because I > really just don't think I know how to do it. Maybe you could do it just a little at a time. That way you could get more used to it, and learn how to. Mike In ModOasis , " napapple " <merrett@e...> wrote: > I have found that I am able to express emotions only by myself. I > have what I call 'pity parties' wherein I allow myself to cry and > wallow in my pain and grief about all sorts of things but I can't do > it in the presence of others - just my dog of course! I'm kinda > sorta starting to do it with my therapist but I even find that as > soon as he starts actually CARING for me that I shut down and go > numb. > > I am the quintessencial 'strong' female and have always attracted > men, and even friends, who are 'weaker' than me and I am beginning > to see that I have strategically selected them in order to conceal > my real feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. My fear now is that > I will never be able to open myself up to someone who will....well, > actually that's it, that I will never truly open myself up because I > really just don't think I know how to do it. > > Hmmmm. > > -. > > > > > > > > when I was pregnant this last time, it all > > > > > > started coming back to the > > > > > > surface, the emotional memories, the disblief > > > > that > > > > > > my own mother would do > > > > > > these things to me, etc., And, I was so > > > > disgusted. > > > > > > I began to have dreams of choking and losing my > > > > > > voice. I would actually > > > > > > wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I > > > > was > > > > > > dying or going to die. > > > > > > It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, > > > > panic). > > > > > > At first I couldn't even > > > > > > explain why, but the more depressed I was, the > > > > more > > > > > > certain I was that I > > > > > > could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I > > > > > > felt towards her. And, the > > > > > > more determined I felt to fight for my life all > > > > at > > > > > > the same time. It was > > > > > > weird. > > > > > > I began to believe that she would steal my > > > > children > > > > > > away from me if she > > > > > > could, and then would think I was losing my mind > > > > for > > > > > > thinking such nonsense. > > > > > > That was all about 2 years ago. That period of > > > > my > > > > > > life was like living > > > > > > through a hellish nightmare. > > > > > > It should've been the happiest time of my life, > > > > with > > > > > > a new baby and all. > > > > > > But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and > > > > > > unsupported by the people who > > > > > > were supposed to be helping me. > > > > > > I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, > > > > and > > > > > > eventually here in this > > > > > > group. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ______________________________________________________ > > > > > Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina > > > > relief effort. > > > > > http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate3/ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2005 Report Share Posted September 12, 2005 Hi Lula, What a wild dream (nighmare) that was! Yes, I think it is absolutely miraculous that each one of us has survived and that we have found our way here to tell our tales. Hey, has been around? I haven't seen her post lately. Re: re: pet deaths > Hi , > > Fluffy says " hi " and thinks Elle sound really cool and > hot too! He'd like to get together with her (wink > wink), but that's another post somewhere else in Oz! > > Regarding your dream, , you must have finally > felt safe and ready to confront those repressed > memories. If you hadn't, nada would have " stolen " > your children, b/c she would have contaminated them > with her nada-ness, and eventually they'd wind up > here, on this Board, if they were lucky. > > So, it was a really difficult time, but a courageous > time and a transformational time b/c you began to heal > yourself and cut the cycle that has been passed down > thru generations. Now, that's something to celebrate! > > When I was at my wit's end, bankrupt and my life was a > complete disaster, I kept having a repetitive > nightmare that I was holding onto the edge of a cliff > with my fingernails (chewed off fingernails) and the > cliff would shake due to an earthquake. When awake, I > would fear that I could not survive in the outer > world, and death to me meant going to nada's house to > live - where I could not be allowed to live - I would > surely die. Somehow, in the dream, I always managed > to hold onto the edge of the cliff and survive. > > This cliff incident also happened in reality about 8 > years earlier than the dream. It happened in an > Outward-Bound-like course taught by EST. I literally > hung onto the edge of a cliff with my bare fingernails > and literally almost died b/c I was so hysterical at > the thought of rappelling down the cliff, I unhooked > my paraphernalia and was hanging onto the edge of a > six-story cliff. I survived there too. > > Somehow, we all survived. It's miraculous, isn't it? > > Hugs, > Lula > > > --- wrote: > when I was pregnant this last time, it all >> started coming back to the >> surface, the emotional memories, the disblief that >> my own mother would do >> these things to me, etc., And, I was so disgusted. >> I began to have dreams of choking and losing my >> voice. I would actually >> wake up not able to breath. I kept thinking I was >> dying or going to die. >> It was really bad for awhile (the anxiety, panic). >> At first I couldn't even >> explain why, but the more depressed I was, the more >> certain I was that I >> could not trust her (nada), and the more anger I >> felt towards her. And, the >> more determined I felt to fight for my life all at >> the same time. It was >> weird. >> I began to believe that she would steal my children >> away from me if she >> could, and then would think I was losing my mind for >> thinking such nonsense. >> That was all about 2 years ago. That period of my >> life was like living >> through a hellish nightmare. >> It should've been the happiest time of my life, with >> a new baby and all. >> But, I was being controlled, manipulated, and >> unsupported by the people who >> were supposed to be helping me. >> I found help here, on the internet, and in NAMI, and >> eventually here in this >> group. >> >> > > > > > ______________________________________________________ > Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort. > http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate3/ > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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