Re: Having a horrible day

[Guest guest]

He is being a bit passive-aggressive. Can you confront him about this?

Ask him if it is the $$ he is worried about or is it your health? Is he

mad because you are ill? Is his fear coming out as anger?

Taking $1000 of your surgery $$ is definitely a message. And it is

passive-aggressive! Ask him if he wants you to be sick forever or does he

want the healthy wife to return? If he wants you healthy, why did he take

your $$?

He is not sharing his feelings about this. We had a session with a

counselor way back when I was doing groups in Denver, and we separated the

husbands from the wives. Boy, did the husbands share anger over what the

implants had done to their wives!!!!

They expressed a lot of it, and were able to share how much this whole

situation had taken from them. And they were angry that their wives could

not do the things with them they used to do. A lot of the wives were

surprised at how much anger their husbands had expressed.

I am a social worker, so understand a lot of the dynamics. Is there anyone

your husband would share his feelings with? A good friend, a minister, a

counselor? It would tremendously help you both if he would. And he may

need to hear from you how much he is hurting you by not being supportive of

your health decisions. Can you tell him how much you love him and how much

it hurts when he does not support you on these things?

I could go on and on, but hope this helps.

Lynda

At 09:37 AM 12/14/2005, you wrote:

>My husband has not been nice at all ever since I told him back in

>August that I need my implants out and they are causing me health

>issues. He has not spoke to me in over a week nor looked at me. He

>has not hugged me, kissed me or even so much as brushed up against

>me in three weeks!! This has been going on and off since August as

>well but it is really killing me, I don't know what to do, I feel

>more lonely now then when he was in Iraq for a year. He seems angry

>with me but he won't talk to me so I have no idea what is going on.

>I don't want Christmas at all, he has not even taken my kids

>shopping so they can buy me a gift for Christmas. I took them to buy

>gifts for dad and every year we take them so they can buy mom and

>dad gifts. We are having our Christmas this Saturday because we will

>be out of town for Christmas. He did this before and didn't get me

>anything for our anniversary or Valentines day one year. But these

>are my kids and they want to buy me a small gift for Christmas, I

>really don't care if he gets me anything. It isn't just Christmas,

>he just seems like he is more worried about the money he has to

>spend on this surgery and what he doesn't get to have because of it.

>We had almost all the money we needed for the surgery and I just

>found out he took and transferred 1000 dollars of it. I am not

>feeling good about our marriage right now.Does anyone think he is

>trying to get me to break up the marriage because he doesn't want to

>look like the bad guy or am I just really letting my mind get the

>better of me?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>Opinions expressed are NOT meant to take the place of advice given by

>licensed health care professionals. Consult your physician or licensed

>health care professional before commencing any medical treatment.

>

> " Do not let either the medical authorities or the politicians mislead you.

>Find out what the facts are, and make your own decisions about how to live

>a happy life and how to work for a better world. " - Linus ing,

>two-time Nobel Prize Winner (1954, Chemistry; 1963, Peace)

>

>See our photos website! Enter " implants " for access at this link:

><http://.shutterfly.com/action/>http://.shutterfly.co\

m/action/

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. It

sounds like your husband is having a difficult time too and he

doesn't know how to communicate with you about how he is feeling.

Would he be open to talkin with someone who has already gone through

this? Why don't you ask him. My husband and I could call him and

maybe help him understand some of the issues and releive some of his

fears.

Don't jump to any conclusions about the pending doom of your

relationship just yet! Right now you and your husband have to find a

way to communicate your feelings and needs to each other before you

can determine a final outcome.

big hugs,

>

> My husband has not been nice at all ever since I told him back in

> August that I need my implants out and they are causing me health

> issues. He has not spoke to me in over a week nor looked at me. He

> has not hugged me, kissed me or even so much as brushed up against

> me in three weeks!! This has been going on and off since August as

> well but it is really killing me, I don't know what to do, I feel

> more lonely now then when he was in Iraq for a year. He seems

angry

> with me but he won't talk to me so I have no idea what is going

on.

> I don't want Christmas at all, he has not even taken my kids

> shopping so they can buy me a gift for Christmas. I took them to

buy

> gifts for dad and every year we take them so they can buy mom and

> dad gifts. We are having our Christmas this Saturday because we

will

> be out of town for Christmas. He did this before and didn't get me

> anything for our anniversary or Valentines day one year. But these

> are my kids and they want to buy me a small gift for Christmas, I

> really don't care if he gets me anything. It isn't just Christmas,

> he just seems like he is more worried about the money he has to

> spend on this surgery and what he doesn't get to have because of

it.

> We had almost all the money we needed for the surgery and I just

> found out he took and transferred 1000 dollars of it. I am not

> feeling good about our marriage right now.Does anyone think he is

> trying to get me to break up the marriage because he doesn't want

to

> look like the bad guy or am I just really letting my mind get the

> better of me?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

you mentioned that your husband didn't get you anything for your

anniversay or valentine's day one year so i'm assuming that this sort

of behavior started even before august when you told him about the

implants. did it start even before he ever stepped foot in iraq? what

i'm getting at is that if it started after he went to iraq but before

the implants became an issue,then being in iraq could've affected him

(it may have anyway). if that isn't it but the behavior started

before you told him about the implants, then the implants are just

the icing on the cake and the man has some deeper issues than the

money or your surgery.if he transferred $1000, it's possible for him

to do that again.is any of that money yours and is your name also on

that account? if yes, then maybe you need to open a new account with

your name only and transfer the rest of the money pronto or at least

the part that is yours. somebody who loves you should never put money

or anything else before that person.

>

> My husband has not been nice at all ever since I told him back in

> August that I need my implants out and they are causing me health

> issues. He has not spoke to me in over a week nor looked at me. He

> has not hugged me, kissed me or even so much as brushed up against

> me in three weeks!! This has been going on and off since August as

> well but it is really killing me, I don't know what to do, I feel

> more lonely now then when he was in Iraq for a year. He seems angry

> with me but he won't talk to me so I have no idea what is going on.

> I don't want Christmas at all, he has not even taken my kids

> shopping so they can buy me a gift for Christmas. I took them to

buy

> gifts for dad and every year we take them so they can buy mom and

> dad gifts. We are having our Christmas this Saturday because we

will

> be out of town for Christmas. He did this before and didn't get me

> anything for our anniversary or Valentines day one year. But these

> are my kids and they want to buy me a small gift for Christmas, I

> really don't care if he gets me anything. It isn't just Christmas,

> he just seems like he is more worried about the money he has to

> spend on this surgery and what he doesn't get to have because of

it.

> We had almost all the money we needed for the surgery and I just

> found out he took and transferred 1000 dollars of it. I am not

> feeling good about our marriage right now.Does anyone think he is

> trying to get me to break up the marriage because he doesn't want

to

> look like the bad guy or am I just really letting my mind get the

> better of me?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lynda,

Your response is excellent! . . .

I wish the men had access to a support group. I'm sure

they are going through a lot as they watch their wives

get sick - not to mention the costs associated with

health problems and surgery.

Men want to be in control. When it comes to the

implant problems, it's extra tough!

Rogene

[Guest guest]

,

I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

from time to time. . .

Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

antics! . . . LOL

I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

help coax his loving side out.

If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

showing up months after the experience.

Hugs and prayers,

Rogene

[Guest guest]

,

My husband was like that after I told him the implants were making

me sick and had to come out. I don't know why some men react the

way they do, but it doesn't seem uncommon. He was horrible when he

accompanied me for the surgery as well, not even speaking to me the

entire 7 hour ride to Dr. Feng's, snapping at me when I asked him

fill my pain medication at the pharmacy. It took me getting in his

face on Thanksgiving and saying " CUT THE CRAP, NO MORE!!! " and that

seemed to snap him out of it. I think part of it is that they

really depend on us to be the nurturing one, and when we're not

healthy some men can't handle it. When I really needed him the

most, he just wasn't there, so I know exactly what you're going

through. Now that the surgery is over and I'm on the mend, he's

much better.

Sis

>

> My husband has not been nice at all ever since I told him back in

> August that I need my implants out and they are causing me health

> issues. He has not spoke to me in over a week nor looked at me. He

> has not hugged me, kissed me or even so much as brushed up against

> me in three weeks!! This has been going on and off since August as

> well but it is really killing me, I don't know what to do, I feel

> more lonely now then when he was in Iraq for a year. He seems

angry

> with me but he won't talk to me so I have no idea what is going

on.

> I don't want Christmas at all, he has not even taken my kids

> shopping so they can buy me a gift for Christmas. I took them to

buy

> gifts for dad and every year we take them so they can buy mom and

> dad gifts. We are having our Christmas this Saturday because we

will

> be out of town for Christmas. He did this before and didn't get me

> anything for our anniversary or Valentines day one year. But these

> are my kids and they want to buy me a small gift for Christmas, I

> really don't care if he gets me anything. It isn't just Christmas,

> he just seems like he is more worried about the money he has to

> spend on this surgery and what he doesn't get to have because of

it.

> We had almost all the money we needed for the surgery and I just

> found out he took and transferred 1000 dollars of it. I am not

> feeling good about our marriage right now.Does anyone think he is

> trying to get me to break up the marriage because he doesn't want

to

> look like the bad guy or am I just really letting my mind get the

> better of me?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am sorry that you are having so much trouble with your husband. It

sure seems like you guys have been through alot. However, adversity

can make us stronger. I am sure being the holiday season doesn't

help as people seem to be so stressed over the holidays and money

for gifts can be a problem. Certainly being in Iraq has had to have

been emotional for your husband whether he has shared it or not.

Then coming home only to deal with more stress---your illness, your

upcoming surgery, the financial cost, he shut down. When we shut

down we often become selfish and selfcentered. And perhaps now all

of his unhealthy emotions are being " dumped " onto you when most

likely, you are only a small part of what his stress has been about.

I think he is very angry and depressed and doesn't know how to deal

with his emotions in a positive way. Is it possible that he could

talk to someone? He is punishing you for making " his " life

stressful. He needs a third party (someone objective) to help him

see this and help him find away to positively handle his emotions.

I am praying for you.

Hugs, Kathy

>

> My husband has not been nice at all ever since I told him back in

> August that I need my implants out and they are causing me health

> issues. He has not spoke to me in over a week nor looked at me. He

> has not hugged me, kissed me or even so much as brushed up against

> me in three weeks!! This has been going on and off since August as

> well but it is really killing me, I don't know what to do, I feel

> more lonely now then when he was in Iraq for a year. He seems

angry

> with me but he won't talk to me so I have no idea what is going

on.

> I don't want Christmas at all, he has not even taken my kids

> shopping so they can buy me a gift for Christmas. I took them to

buy

> gifts for dad and every year we take them so they can buy mom and

> dad gifts. We are having our Christmas this Saturday because we

will

> be out of town for Christmas. He did this before and didn't get me

> anything for our anniversary or Valentines day one year. But these

> are my kids and they want to buy me a small gift for Christmas, I

> really don't care if he gets me anything. It isn't just Christmas,

> he just seems like he is more worried about the money he has to

> spend on this surgery and what he doesn't get to have because of

it.

> We had almost all the money we needed for the surgery and I just

> found out he took and transferred 1000 dollars of it. I am not

> feeling good about our marriage right now.Does anyone think he is

> trying to get me to break up the marriage because he doesn't want

to

> look like the bad guy or am I just really letting my mind get the

> better of me?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

wow,you ladies make me feel real blessed. i was married to my

children's father 10 yrs ago when i got my implants and through the

subsequent surgeries over the first year and half for complications.

he was an ogre. i had drains in both breasts, had to stay in the

hospital 2 days from blood loss,etc. the kids were 2 1/2 and 5 then.

he wouldn't help me do anything and treated me like i was a nusiance

to him.of course,that was just an extension of what our whole

marriage was like off and on.so i do know what y'all are going

through with that. but he didn't go as far as what y'all experienced

with your husbands. i feel blessed because my current husband i've

been with for 7 yrs is just the opposite. not that he never gets

stressed but mostly he never takes it out on me.i think that, too, is

a reflection of what he's like most of the time. i think some men

just handle things differently according to their personality,etc.

and it helps if they like the changes as well. some husbands aren't

happy with a wife who doesn't have big breasts or if they don't have

any at all. my husband told me today that he's looking forward to my

flat chest.i don't know many men who would say that but if you ever

find one, hang on to him. i can say one thing, if guys were being

pressured by society and women to get penis implants in order to be

considered manly and it was causing them to have horrible problems as

a result, something would've been done about it a long time ago.it

just makes me sad and angry that men can get angry over the problems

women have the implants but women wouldn't ever get them in the first

place if it wasn't to please them.it sure isn't so we can feed

babies.

> >

> > My husband has not been nice at all ever since I told him back in

> > August that I need my implants out and they are causing me health

> > issues. He has not spoke to me in over a week nor looked at me.

He

> > has not hugged me, kissed me or even so much as brushed up

against

> > me in three weeks!! This has been going on and off since August

as

> > well but it is really killing me, I don't know what to do, I feel

> > more lonely now then when he was in Iraq for a year. He seems

> angry

> > with me but he won't talk to me so I have no idea what is going

> on.

> > I don't want Christmas at all, he has not even taken my kids

> > shopping so they can buy me a gift for Christmas. I took them to

> buy

> > gifts for dad and every year we take them so they can buy mom and

> > dad gifts. We are having our Christmas this Saturday because we

> will

> > be out of town for Christmas. He did this before and didn't get

me

> > anything for our anniversary or Valentines day one year. But

these

> > are my kids and they want to buy me a small gift for Christmas, I

> > really don't care if he gets me anything. It isn't just

Christmas,

> > he just seems like he is more worried about the money he has to

> > spend on this surgery and what he doesn't get to have because of

> it.

> > We had almost all the money we needed for the surgery and I just

> > found out he took and transferred 1000 dollars of it. I am not

> > feeling good about our marriage right now.Does anyone think he is

> > trying to get me to break up the marriage because he doesn't want

> to

> > look like the bad guy or am I just really letting my mind get the

> > better of me?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes I have suspected that he is stressed and hurting from many

things as well, particularly Iraq. I know too that this surgery is a

huge downer for both of us. I asked him last night why he was so mad

at me and he said that I didn't respect him...which is strange

because I always respect him and I do my very best to show him. The

situation he claimed I had no respect for was so ridiculously blown

out of proportion, I can't see how it blew up into a week of silence

and 3 weeks of no sex. Which that is the longest (besides iraq) that

we have gone without making love.

I started to wonder if he was having an affair, I didn't mention it

to him but I thought it. He has even taken his anger out on my kids

particularly my son, he is not my sons father but the only dad my

son knows. He went to my daughters Thanksgiving feast at school but

when it was time for my sons he purposely didn't go. It really hurt

him he is 9 years old and was rejected by his birth dad (my ex-

husband) when he was 4 so it hurt him bad.And what is worse my

husband KNEW he hurt him.

This is so out of Character for my husband, he is normally very

loving and caring and would do anything for the family and in the

past few months he has become overly selfish especially with money.

he has spent thousands of dollars on his hobbies but not saved for

my surgery, my daughter needs a box spring for her bed and he has

not bought it, my daughter to only has 5 shirts for winter and a

coat that is too small and he gets mad when I try to buy her

clothes, so I have used my sons child suport to buy both of their

clothes. We aren't poor!!! If we were poor I would not be upset.We

have a good income and free medical and dental from the army except

for my implants of course.

He is also in denial that he has stress from Iraq, even though he

has the occasional nightmare,loss of sleep, is drinking more than

usual but not to get drunk, seems to get numb to the family at the

drop of a hat, has become incredibly selfish and I am sure there is

more I am overlooking. He passed the stress test when he came back

from Iraq and so he thinks he is fine.

If anyone has more information or suggestions to help I would love

to hear them. I love you all so much for taking time to read my

post, I am so alone down here and have no one but my kids and

husband, and my dad calls from time to time. Thank you so much.

HUGS,

--- In , Rogene S <saxony01@y...>

wrote:

>

> ,

>

> I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

>

> But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> from time to time. . .

>

> Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> antics! . . . LOL

>

> I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> help coax his loving side out.

>

> If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> showing up months after the experience.

>

>

> Hugs and prayers,

>

> Rogene

>

[Guest guest]

,

My husband found petty things to be angry about, too, but I think it

was a smokescreen for what he was feeling regarding my health, the

implants, the money it cost to get them 7 months ago and remove them

a month ago. I also lost my job this year so I'm not working and am

going to school full-time. He was finding fault with everything,

getting angry over the house not being spotless (I'm no slob, but he

felt that I wasn't keeping up the house like I used to -

unfortunately he sees the inside as my job and the outside as his -

typical of some men). It is a shame that some people choose to

punish those they love when they're angry, that's never been the way

I've behaved, but unfortunately my husband was raised in that type

of environment. I think your husband definitely has some type of

stress issues related to Iraq, and adding to the mix is your

illness, but please don't allow yourself to feel guilty about being

sick!! I know it's hard to get people to counseling (I haven't been

able to get my husband to go), but if the Army provides it, then

maybe you can convince him to talk to someone (easier said that

done, I know). I figured I was on my way to divorce because right

after my surgery, my husband came to get me and he looked at me with

such coldness. Right now he's doing just the opposite, trying to

make up for acting like such a jerk, but it's in the back of my head

that he's capable of acting pretty poorly when the going gets

tough.

Sis

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> >

> > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > from time to time. . .

> >

> > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > antics! . . . LOL

> >

> > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > help coax his loving side out.

> >

> > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > showing up months after the experience.

> >

> >

> > Hugs and prayers,

> >

> > Rogene

> >

>

[Guest guest]

But I can't handle how mean he is being anymore and I have done all

I can do. I even went to counseling and he would not. I know the

money is a HUGE issue for him, I feel horrible about it. I have been

a stay at home mom for years becaue I feel it is best for me to be

there for the kids and the kids wouldn't be able to do all the

things they do if I worked, and I refuse to pay a daycare or sitter

to do MY job.

But I feel now my husband is sending a mixed message that he wants

me to work, tells me about all his buddies wives work and they have

more money then us...truth is they have a little more then us with a

ton of debt.But then he turns around and says me staying at home is

best for our kids because the other guys kids are horrible and my

kids are well behaved. I am not sure what to do. I have nothing if I

were to lose this marriage. I need this surgery but I fear he is

going to sabbatage it on purpose, like I said he already took out

1000 dollars and put it in the checking account even though we had

ne reason too and we were already short about 2000 for the surgery.

I feel sick to my tummy

> > >

> > > ,

> > >

> > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > >

> > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > from time to time. . .

> > >

> > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > antics! . . . LOL

> > >

> > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > help coax his loving side out.

> > >

> > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > showing up months after the experience.

> > >

> > >

> > > Hugs and prayers,

> > >

> > > Rogene

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, I couldn't handle it either - I felt like I lost

everything this year, my job, my health, my marriage - probably the

three most important things in my life. I don't have a solution for

you, but all I can say is try to focus more on yourself than him

right now. I just attended a class at my chiropractor's office and

he said how important it is for the immune system to give and

receive love - so even if your husband is not giving you the love

you need right now, give all the love you can to yourself and your

children. You still have something if you lose the marriage, you

have yourself. You are more than someone's wife, or someone's

mother. I wouldn't consider it over, though, just a rough patch.

Men go into their caves when they can't resolve a problem, and I

know my husband does that, but he always figures out what's really

important and in time comes back out of the cave. Do you have the

explant surgery scheduled?

Sis

> > > >

> > > > ,

> > > >

> > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > >

> > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > from time to time. . .

> > > >

> > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > >

> > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > >

> > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > >

> > > > Rogene

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also think he doesn't see me as sick because I act normal and for

the most part look normal. I have lost a lot of my hair and have

other little things going on like my vision is not right had to get

glasses I get fatigue off and on, I get depressed easily, have had

night sweats, anxiey and such but he really doesn't see that I

am " sick " so it makes it hard for him with no proof of my implants

being the problem to understand the need to get them out and like I

said the money is ridiculous, I mean really it is insane how much

these have cost us.

> > >

> > > ,

> > >

> > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > >

> > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > from time to time. . .

> > >

> > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > antics! . . . LOL

> > >

> > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > help coax his loving side out.

> > >

> > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > showing up months after the experience.

> > >

> > >

> > > Hugs and prayers,

> > >

> > > Rogene

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

No I haven't scheduled the explant because we are short some of the

money. I want to ask my dad for the rest of the money so bad because

I need the surgery but I fear my husband would see that as

disrespect and that he couldn't provide for me and I think it would

make it worse. I do think I will be sitting down for a talk with him

about it though. I didn't want to go through summer feeling like a

freak but I also don't want to get really sick like some of the

other ladies here and I don't want to lose all my hair either.I just

can't see how he can blame me for all this, I didn't know anything

about implants causing problems. I didn't know. He married me with

the implants has never seen me without, he says he will be fine with

it, so I think most of this is about the money. I am sure he is like

me and afraid of what I will look like and if the implants really

are the problem. I know in my heart they are, but as a man he likes

to have proof and with the implants there is no proof other then to

take them out and see if I get healthy, only then is there proof.

I also think he is suffering from Iraq and maybe he is disapointed

in where he is in his life.

> > > > >

> > > > > ,

> > > > >

> > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > >

> > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > >

> > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > >

> > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > >

> > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > >

> > > > > Rogene

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" I have nothing if I were to lose this marriage. "

Not true. You have yourself. You have a life ahead of you, with or without

your marriage.

You need to do whatever it takes to take care of your health.

> > > >

> > > > ,

> > > >

> > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > >

> > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > from time to time. . .

> > > >

> > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > >

> > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > >

> > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > >

> > > > Rogene

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

He said if I left him he would take my daughter and he does have the

means to pull that off.I would lose one of my children and that is

everything to me.

> > > > >

> > > > > ,

> > > > >

> > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > >

> > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > >

> > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > >

> > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > >

> > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > >

> > > > > Rogene

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, I would put your health first, and if that means asking

your father for the money, so be it. If your husband balks, tell

him you wouldn't have to go to your father if he hadn't spent the

money. The threats of taking your children away are just that -

threats. It's very hard to get custody of the children from the

mother - especially if you've been a good mother and it sounds like

you have been.

Sis

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > > >

> > > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Rogene

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

For what it is worth, I 'third' this. Take care of yourself FIRST.

I've heard the threats of taking children also, and I'm not a social worker.

They are empty threats.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > ,

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Rogene

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Opinions expressed are NOT meant to take the place of advice given by

> >licensed health care professionals. Consult your physician or licensed

> >health care professional before commencing any medical treatment.

> >

> > " Do not let either the medical authorities or the politicians mislead you.

> >Find out what the facts are, and make your own decisions about how to live

> >a happy life and how to work for a better world. " - Linus ing,

> >two-time Nobel Prize Winner (1954, Chemistry; 1963, Peace)

> >

> >See our photos website! Enter " implants " for access at this link:

>

><http://.shutterfly.com/action/>http://.shutterfly.co\

m/

action/

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I think Rogene is right - this is a horrible time for you, but probably

just temporary. I know when you are in the middle of it it can seem so

terrible, but if you can just show as much love toward him as you can

muster up - I know hard when he is treating you bad, but it could just

be enough to soften him. You need his support right now. Your not

alone -

Cherie

>

> ,

>

> The other day on CNN they were saying that the stress

> test given right after returning from Iraq doesn't

> tell the whole story. They need to be retested at

> least three months later.

>

> Keeping demonstrating your love for him . . . even if

> he doesn't deserve it. I suspect he's hurting more

> than any of us can understand.

>

> Hugs and prayers,

>

> Rogene

>

[Guest guest]

- since my husband sounds similar to yours, I'm going to

share a little more about what was going before my explant. He was

pretty nasty for a while there, giving me the silent treatment for

weeks, sleeping on the couch, etc. I'd make dinner and he wouldn't

eat it, instead he'd make eggs or pasta (good thing we started

speaking again, because we were low on eggs and pasta and I wasn't

about to buy more!). I decided I had to stick a pin in the bubble

and just let it all come out. I knew that the direct approach was

going to start a fight, but if I didn't bring it up, then I knew

he'd continue with the silent treatment for quite a while. The

morning after we had that fight, I walked downstairs to the

livingroom (where he was sleeping), and very firmly said that I

wasn't going to play the silent treatment game with him anymore, and

that it was time we started dealing with eachother as adults. I

also told him that he didn't have to eat my food if he didn't want

to, that I cooked because I needed to eat. By that night the silent

treatment was gone. Of course this wasn't the only time I had to

deal with him head on, because he continued to go in and out of

his " dark side " . It seems when he sees that his behavior causes me

pain, he continues doing it because that's the result he's looking

for - but when I stand up to him, it seems to wake him up. Whenever

I tried to discuss the implants and my health with him, it would

infuriate him, so obviously there was alot going on there. However,

I knew I couldn't live with the implants in my body any longer, and

I told him I wanted him to be part of the solution, and that I

needed him to be my rock but instead he was being my brick wall. I

know what you're going through, at night (while I was sleeping alone

in our bed) I'd just cry and think that I couldn't believe this is

what became of my life. I lost my long-term career, I lost my

health, and my husband was abandoning me emotionally. However,

getting the implants out of my body really made me stronger on a

mental level - even though I'm still symptomatic, I feel like I've

got a future again. He wanted proof that the problem was the

implants, but unfortunately the only proof I had was that I was

healthy before the implants, and post-implant everything was going

haywire. He wasn't aware that I had researched the symptoms and

found this group, because every time I tried to talk to him about

it, he would shut down. He's the type who believes the doctors, and

he wanted a doctor to say it was the implants, and luckily I found

Dr. Feng and when I told him what she said, he started coming

around. He wanted the implanting surgeon to tell me I was sick from

the implants, but I explained the reality to him.

Sis

--- In , " Cherie " <cheriesut@y...>

wrote:

>

> I think Rogene is right - this is a horrible time for you, but

probably

> just temporary. I know when you are in the middle of it it can

seem so

> terrible, but if you can just show as much love toward him as you

can

> muster up - I know hard when he is treating you bad, but it could

just

> be enough to soften him. You need his support right now. Your not

> alone -

> Cherie

> --- In , Rogene S <saxony01@y...>

wrote:

> >

> > ,

> >

> > The other day on CNN they were saying that the stress

> > test given right after returning from Iraq doesn't

> > tell the whole story. They need to be retested at

> > least three months later.

> >

> > Keeping demonstrating your love for him . . . even if

> > he doesn't deserve it. I suspect he's hurting more

> > than any of us can understand.

> >

> > Hugs and prayers,

> >

> > Rogene

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sis,

You certainly handled that well!! Congratulations.

I have little first-hand experience with the 'silent treatment' or fury because

my husband is

not like that. In fact, he first decided I needed to go to Dr. Kolb before I

did.

I know he is not the norm.

Thank you so very much for posting this - it's an inspiration.

> > >

> > > ,

> > >

> > > The other day on CNN they were saying that the stress

> > > test given right after returning from Iraq doesn't

> > > tell the whole story. They need to be retested at

> > > least three months later.

> > >

> > > Keeping demonstrating your love for him . . . even if

> > > he doesn't deserve it. I suspect he's hurting more

> > > than any of us can understand.

> > >

> > > Hugs and prayers,

> > >

> > > Rogene

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

actually, i did lose my children to my husband when i got divorced

and he had threatened me many times he would do that. i was a stay at

home mom and had no means to support myself or the kids. a family

member did pay a lawyer so he couldn't just take me to the cleaners

but he also used against me the fact that i had depression but he had

refused to let me get treatment for it. i did go to the hospital once

for treatment against his wishes and the very day i came home he took

the kids and acted like he was going to visit his mom in town and

just never came home with them. i got served divorce papers 2 days

later.he left me with no way to pay for the lights, water, food,etc.

so threats are not always empty. my whole point in telling this story

is that you have got to think about your health,let your father help

and as soon as you're able, find a job you can do and set aside some

of your pay for your own account with only your name on it.but you

need those implants out or else you could get too sick to work, be a

wife, mother or person.in the meantime, try to pacify your husband as

much as you can so that he won't take any more money or do anything

else to jepardize the kids, family,your health,etc. asking your dad

for help isn't disrespect.long gone are the days when wives are

expected to depend totally on their husbands to provide for them and

the kids.i learned that lesson the hard way.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > ,

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Rogene

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Opinions expressed are NOT meant to take the place of advice given

by

> >licensed health care professionals. Consult your physician or

licensed

> >health care professional before commencing any medical treatment.

> >

> > " Do not let either the medical authorities or the politicians

mislead you.

> >Find out what the facts are, and make your own decisions about how

to live

> >a happy life and how to work for a better world. " - Linus ing,

> >two-time Nobel Prize Winner (1954, Chemistry; 1963, Peace)

> >

> >See our photos website! Enter " implants " for access at this link:

>

><http://.shutterfly.com/action/>http://.shu

tterfly.com/action/

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

have you let your parents know what's going on? also you might want

to talk to somebody on base about it and maybe he could be re-

examined to see what's going on. of course, that might anger your

husband but if at any point you start fearing for your safety, i'd go

ahead and do it anyway. i've heard things about men coming from and

becoming violent,etc. he doesn't have to go back over there does he?

if they try to send him, please speak up to his supervisor and tell

them what's going on.

> > > >

> > > > ,

> > > >

> > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > >

> > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > from time to time. . .

> > > >

> > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > >

> > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > >

> > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > >

> > > > Rogene

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't speak to my mother anymore and I have told my Dad. Problem

is my dad is a vietnam war veteran and he says that men change after

war. I realize this, but I seem to be getting blamed for everything

and he is doing it by withdrawing all emotion from our marriage. I

swear sometimes I wonder about an affair, but there are just not

enough signs pointing to that. My ex-husband had an affair so I am

aware of what to look for. I also don't have the gut feeling he is

cheating either. But I know he is very angry or hurt and it is

costing my family.

I have decided that tonight I am going to tell him that I am

scheduling my surgery for January and that I will be asking for a

loan from my dad to get the rest of the money we are short. I will

explain to him that I alone will pay back that loan and that is my

way of trying to help with this issue. I also am planning on going

back to work this next year. I have stayed at home with my kids

since they were little but if anything ever happened to my marriage

I have no financial security so I will go back to work and will

contribute some to the family and will start a savings account as

well. I want my husband to see that I want to help but I also want

to get this surgery done and out of the way.

> > > > >

> > > > > ,

> > > > >

> > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > >

> > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > >

> > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > >

> > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > >

> > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > >

> > > > > Rogene

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, good luck with your plan. When you are presenting it to

your husband you will probably come up against some form of

resistance. Be strong and do your best not to get angry with him or

fuel the fire. Hold fast to your position and continue to let him

know that you love him and that yo are trying your best to meet the

families needs for now and for the future.I hope it all works ou for

you!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I know it's tough when you feel so bad . . .

> > > > > >

> > > > > > But a couple suggestions. . . See if you can find a

> > > > > > few nice things to do for your hubby. . . i.e. make

> > > > > > some cookies for him and BRING a plate of cookies to

> > > > > > him. . . Touch him gently and tell him " Thank You "

> > > > > > from time to time. . .

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Also . . . look for ways to express humor. It sounds

> > > > > > like Sis is an expert! Let her tell you about her

> > > > > > antics! . . . LOL

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I suspect your husband is hurting - why? unless you

> > > > > > can get him to open up, you may never know. But being

> > > > > > extra gentle to him, even if he's being a pain may

> > > > > > help coax his loving side out.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > If you have any reason to think he may be suffering

> > > > > > from post-tramautic syndrome after being in Iraq, he

> > > > > > needs to get help. I hear that about 1/3 of the

> > > > > > returnees experience it to some degree. . . often

> > > > > > showing up months after the experience.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hugs and prayers,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Rogene

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>