Re: Seeker of Peace

July 3, 2007

Welcome to our lifeboat. Glad you're here.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to see other siblings being

put through the same paces you were as a child. It's got to break

your heart -- but, unfortunately, your mom has the right to as many

children as she wants, and can raise them as she wants, short of

outright, recognizable abuse. There's nothing you can do but let

those siblings know that you understand, you care, and you're there

whenever they want to reach out. That may come with time. In the

meantime, you still have to draw the line around your husband and

family.

<< " With in the last three weeks I have had to

> remind myself that I am a good person with good intentions and

> healthy relationships. " >>

Of course you are! I'll bet you only have to cling to reminding

yourself of that is when your mother (or someone like her) is

emotionally beating up on you. You can and should distance yourself

from ANYONE who would treat you disrepectfully. Blood relation or

not -- doesn't matter.

<< " My mother has isolated her self and her family from

> everyone except from myself, my sister and my brother and she

> expects us to fill that void. " >>

Her isolation is -- and always has been -- her choice. It's not

your job to rush in and fill these voids she keeps creating. Leave

her to it. Detach yourself from it. It's not yours to fix.

<< " This relationship is so intense and time consuming that it is

upsetting not only me but my husband and family. " >>

Then you need to recognize them as your FIRST priority, and take

steps to draw the boundary to keep out that which would bring strife

to your home. Period. Stop devoting your time and energy -- like

someone here said, it's like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a

water gun. You can't fill it. Save yourself and your family. Opt

out. Walk off the " job " of being her target.

<< " I am unsure of what to say when she is yelling and going off on

one of her fits. " >>

Surely, you know the answer to this one. The second you realize

she's going off on you, you calmly say " I won't talk to you this

way. Goodbye. " Click. (if by phone -- usher her out if she's in

your home, you get your keys and walk out if you're at her home)

You are now an adult. She does not have the power she had when you

were a little girl. Of COURSE you don't indulge people who wish to

yell at you anymore. You're role modeling for your children --

don't teach them that when somebody loses it, it's their job to

stand there and take it. (having memorized " I'm going now " phrases

helps you handle it while remaining calm -- if you have a phrase

ready to go, it's easier. Phrase it however comes naturally for

you.)

Honor your life as an adult and the family you've now made. Role

model to your children how to handle emotionally unstable people who

have targeted them as their chosen victim.

She's a walking emotional storm. You do NOT have to be a casualty.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Hello - This is my first time to the group and I am at a point in

my

> life where I am feeling very desperate for support. I grew up in

a

> very disfunctional home (both parents fought continuously) until

my

> father left. My mother continues with her new relationship to be

> disfunctional. She has pushed away anyone who has ever tried to

> love her and now she has two small daughters. I am 32years old

with

> a husband, three children and a wonderful career. I have a 29 yr

> old brother and a 25 yr old sister from my parents marriage. We

> spent our childhood believing my mother as she hissed about

everyone

> who had ever hurt her and how terrible they are. My mother and I

> struggled until I moved out and began my family. Three years ago

> she began striking out at me and I have had to distance my

> relationship with her. With in the last three weeks I have had to

> remind myself that I am a good person with good intentions and

> healthy relationships. I feel as if there is a need to distance

> myself even more but I am struggling with the fact that her young

> children are being raised the same way I and my sibblings were

> raised. My mother has isolated her self and her family from

> everyone except from myself, my sister and my brother and she

> expects us to fill that void. This relationship is

> so intense and time consuming that it is upsetting not only me but

> my husband and family. Any suggestions??

>

July 3, 2007

I am in the same boat and have to speak to nada only because I have 2

younger sisters. I feel guilty about leaving them for her to destroy.

I think they are too far gone now that they are 14/15 and not

anywhere near normal. There is nothing I could have done when they

were little (i tried) and now that they are older nothing will make

them healthy adults short of life long therapy.

I am coming to the conclusion that I am only bringing strife nad

issue into my life by trying to be there for them. Like you I am 32

and have my own family who I adore and want to focus on. My husband

is getting concerned at how this is drainig me so I think I am going

to have to take nada and her chilren out of the equation of my life

if I want to have a decent one.

>

> Hello - This is my first time to the group and I am at a point in

my

> life where I am feeling very desperate for support. I grew up in a

> very disfunctional home (both parents fought continuously) until my