Advice on NC, letters, reclaiming my life?

[Guest guest]

Guys, I so badly need some good advice from someone who has been there!

I try so hard to be a nice person, a forgiving person, and so on.

The fact remains though that in so many ways, even when she's on

her " good behavior " my mother feels toxic to me.

This is because, I think, of all the abuse when I was little that I've

never been able to confront her over or deal with. So if we are

trying to spend a nice afternoon together, and then I try on a shirt

that I like and she says " that shirt makes your skin look so sallow. "

Well, it just hurts because all those feelings of being told I was

ugly and looked like a drowned rat as a child come rushing back.

My husband and I talked it over and he really pushed me to do limited

contact--just to tell her " you can't call me at work, and I'll only

talk to you once a week from home, so stop calling me every single day

and night 5 or 6 times. " For me, my heart feels like I just want her

gone completely from my life and I want no contact. I know that it

would be strong and responsible of me to set some limits and actually

stand up for myself. But I feel exhausted with it. I feel like I've

been working very hard at taking all this stuff and protecting myself,

and I don't really want to work so hard at setting limits and

enforcing them. I want to work hard at my job and at building a life

with my husband. I've spent so much of my life and energy on dealing

with and caring for this crazy woman, you know.

So, my No Contact letter is pretty nasty. I did try to keep an even

tone and said " I still love you, and I don't think you're a bad

person, but I cannot deal with your emotional problems any more. " But

I also bring up the childhood abuse and state that I'm aware she's

been telling unpleasant stories about me to friends and neighbors.

Well, I know because once when I was younger I tried to confont her

and asked (in a nice tone of voice) " why did you keep telling me I was

ugly when I was little. I wasn't ugly and even if you didn't like how

I looked that just hurt me so much. It still hurts. " Of course she

raged and denied ever having said anything like that, denied she was

even capable of it, and turned it on me as me abusing her by accusing

her of abusing me. So I do know how she will probably react to my

letter.

I am prepared to lose the rest of my family as she will probably turn

every relative against me as she plays up what a victim she is.

Because I've heard it before I know she will say I've always been

crazy and abusive and I have problems. She might even claim that I'm

a sexual deviant like she has accused other people.

Still, my husband keeps pushing me to just set limits and be strong

for once.