Guest guest Posted July 8, 2006 Report Share Posted July 8, 2006 > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and validating. It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other book on the subject. I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only read bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight up, with no chaser on the side. I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth and put things back in their proper perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 8, 2006 Report Share Posted July 8, 2006 This is an excellent book. One of the best about BPD, and it addresses not only the borderline mother - but her effect on her children. I have read it through at least 3 times, and I still go back to read certain sections. I understand for some KOs it is a very difficult read. Sylvia > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? > > > Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and validating. > > It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other book on > the subject. > > I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only read > bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight up, > with no chaser on the side. > > I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and > the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth and > put things back in their proper perspective. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2006 Report Share Posted July 9, 2006 Yes indeed! I was very relieved after reading this book. It helped me separate and organize my experiences and beliefs from nada's versions of reality. It also helped me see her and her methods of behavior and see better what kinds of things she does to get what she wants. I don't always recognize things right away, but when I do I don't beat myself up as much as I would've before I knew about BPD. Adria maryec73 wrote: Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2006 Report Share Posted July 9, 2006 I have it love it and have read it a few times. It is covered in my notes and I ended up underlining almost the whole book! I use it often when I need a quick reminder that I'm not the crazy one or fast way to explain something to a family member who is dealing with her to. I would recommend this book a million times over! Lizzy > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 10, 2006 Report Share Posted July 10, 2006 > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? > That sounds like a great book. I just joined this group and hope I can find some like-minded souls and good information that is shared here. I don't know if my mother had BPD per se, but the behaviors are definitely under that general umbrella: she used anger to keep my brother and me in line. My Dad " checked out " and stayed away as much as he could, blaming work. My brother and I definitely received the message that our thoughts and feelings didn't matter -- we learned to tiptoe around the house, as one book calls it " Walking on Eggshells " ... Now that we're both grown, my brother has as little to do with my mother as possible. She can be fine to be around, but sends my Dad out to put the guilt trip on me if I don't call often enough. The truth is, I don't really feel that close to her, and therefore don't have the desire to call a lot. I've invited her to activities that my children and I are involved in. She always says no. She seems to want the reassurance that I'll come running if she goes into one of her black mood spirals. Blechhh. Been there, done that. Don't want to go near it. So, I guess my relationship with her is tenuous, and not very strong. Anyway -- glad to have found this group. It appears I've got a lot of reading to do on the subject. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 10, 2006 Report Share Posted July 10, 2006 I've just ordered the book on Amazon -- at the moment, what they have is cheaper than half.com, and I think it qualifies for SuperSaver shipping.... Question: what does " n/c " mean? > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? > > > Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and validating. > > It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other book on > the subject. > > I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only read > bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight up, > with no chaser on the side. > > I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and > the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth and > put things back in their proper perspective. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 I am glad you got the book I am sure you will like it. N/C means no contact. When you joined the group did you get an email with a list of abbreviations? That list has all the abbreviations that we often use. Lizzy > > > > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good > read? > > > > > > Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and validating. > > > > It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other book > on > > the subject. > > > > I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only read > > bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight up, > > with no chaser on the side. > > > > I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and > > the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth and > > put things back in their proper perspective. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 Thank you! I did start to suspect that's what it meant, as I kept reading. I can't tell you what a God-send finding this group has been. I am currently in one of those " power struggle " periods with my parents right now. I'm thinking the " no contact " maybe last awhile, as they try to see how long they can punish me by not calling, while simultaneously bad-mouthing me for not calling them. When my Dad (who never calls me but finds plenty of time to check in with my brother) admonished me for not calling them, and thus sending my Mom into one of her spirals (it's always my fault, of course) I challenged his version of the facts: " Why didn't one of you pick up the phone? " He dropped it after that. It's scary territory -- the longer we don't speak, the more I'm uncomfortable letting it be that way. I've been programmed to keep things alive with them. The sad truth is that I may have to face the stark truth that I'm not close to them. But it's long overdue. > > > > > > > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good > > read? > > > > > > > > > Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and validating. > > > > > > It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other book > > on > > > the subject. > > > > > > I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only > read > > > bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight > up, > > > with no chaser on the side. > > > > > > I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and > > > the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth > and > > > put things back in their proper perspective. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 Hi Kyla, I'm going through exactly the same thing as you at the moment! After a series of vicious emails from my mum chased by endorsement from my dad (he didn't read them but somehow assumed they were loving and kind Ð what the???) I have simply not responded. It's become a stand-off it would seem, as I've heard nothing from them in nearly 3 weeks! Just like you, I find myself wondering whether I should break the ice. Particularly as they're meant to be visiting me in 6 weeks and they have not confirmed whether or not they are still coming. The onus has always been on us (the children) to initiate all contact, god forbid they ever pick up the phone. I've learnt that it's best if I call them these days as I can control the time/length of call. I can psych myself up first and I can call on a morning or afternoon before they've started drinking. Mum is impossible after a couple of wines. Will you call, do you think? My pride tells me not to, but then I have moments of weakness. Argh! Pia > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > > > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a > good > > > read? > > > > > > > > > > > > Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and > validating. > > > > > > > > It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other > book > > > on > > > > the subject. > > > > > > > > I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only > > read > > > > bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight > > up, > > > > with no chaser on the side. > > > > > > > > I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and > > > > the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth > > and > > > > put things back in their proper perspective. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 Yes, it is exactly the same thing with me! That's a good point that it's sometimes easier to call because you're psyched up for it and you can control the length of the call. I don't know what to do. But my parents do the same thing: expect me to do all the work to keep the relationship going. (although my mom does call from time to time, to be fair.) The crux of what bothers me the most is that when my mom goes into these black/white negative spirals, my Dad practically orders me to call her -- all the while warning me she's in a rotten state of mind. Who on earth wants to walk into that? And why hasn't my dad ever told her to get over herself and leave me alone? So, for now, I've decided that until I've worked it out in my mind, they can just be put on hold for awhile. I have every right to step back and assess what part I want to play in the relationship -- and that will take some time. But it's unfamiliar territory -- usually I'm expected to buckle under and do what they order me to. So it's causing some nervous stomach knots. You, too? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > > > > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a > > good > > > > read? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Very helpful, hard read....but oh so enlightening and > > validating. > > > > > > > > > > It helped me to put the pieces together more than any other > > book > > > > on > > > > > the subject. > > > > > > > > > > I highly recommend it but some people have said they can only > > > read > > > > > bits at a time because the author delivers the truth straight > > > up, > > > > > with no chaser on the side. > > > > > > > > > > I still read it often and especially when I first went n/c and > > > > > the 'guilt' set in, it really helped me to remember the truth > > > and > > > > > put things back in their proper perspective. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 > " piaglover " wrote: >> I'm going through exactly the same thing as you at the moment! [...] >> It's become a stand-off it would seem, as I've heard nothing from >> them in nearly 3 weeks! Just like you, I find myself wondering >> whether I should break the ice. Me too! (For like the millionth time.) My mother and I go through months or years at a time with N/C because she'll be giving me the silent treatment. (just like when I was a kid, only then I was shut up in my room with no word for days.) Sometimes I don't even know what she's mad about. Probably something she has invented, and then complained to everyone about. But I'm always expected to be the one to call, and to know why she's mad, and to apoligize. I am so sick of it. But even though I've gotten used to this happening, it still hurts and I sometimes can't decide what to do either. :-( >> The onus has always been on us (the children) to initiate all >> contact, god forbid they ever pick up the phone. so true!! >> I've learnt that it's best if I call them these days as I can >> control the time/length of call. I can psych myself up first >> and I can call on a morning or afternoon before they've started >> drinking. Good idea! >> Will you call, do you think? My pride tells me not to, but then >> I have moments of weakness. Argh! Pia But is it really " weakness " ? ...maybe only training to make you feel guilty. >> " kylaboo728 " <kylaboo728@> wrote: >>> I can't tell you what a God-send finding this group has been. Same here! I just found it yesterday and already feel uplifted. I'm excited to hear others like me out there. Even just this " phone call " thing... My in-laws have thought I'm so rude for not calling my mother all the time, but they don't understand. They met her only once, when she had her sweet mask on. So few people believe me when I say what she's capable of. But here, I can tell you guys know what this is like! >>> I am currently in one of those " power struggle " periods with >>> my parents right now. I'm thinking the " no contact " maybe last >>> awhile, as they try to see how long they can punish me by not >>> calling, while simultaneously bad-mouthing me for not callingthem. Ah! Sounds familiar. The " court banishment " so-to-speak. maddening! >>> I challenged his version of the facts: Uh-oh. (always dangerous) :-( >>> " Why didn't one of you pick up the phone? " >>> He dropped it after that. Yikes. At first I thought you meant he dropped the phone. But maybe you meant he dropped the subject. That'd be better! On Mother's Day (maybe 3 years ago?), I was dreading calling home, but I knew I'd have to. Unfortunately, I put it off until evening. By the time she picked up the phone, she had been stewing ALL DAY, waiting. I had no idea! I said, " Happy Mother's Day! " and she started yelling, " It's too LATE for that NOW, isn't it!!? " and hung up on me. So, this year I called her on the day BEFORE Mother's Day. That seemed to work better. >>> It's scary territory -- the longer we don't speak, the more I'm >>> uncomfortable letting it be that way. I've been programmed to keep >>> things alive with them. The sad truth is that I may have to face >>> the stark truth that I'm not close to them. But it's long overdue. :-( wow. It sounds like you know how things are. I didn't admit such stuff to myself until a few years ago, and yet it still hasn't sunk in completely. Realizing a parent isn't what you would like them to be (and they likely -never- will be) is so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 --- " maryec73 " wrote: > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? I just began reading it for a second time, last week. The first time I read it was about three years ago, when I was trying to figure out how to have contact with my mother without her constantly exploding and upsetting me. (I'd bought the SWOE book too.) It was somewhat helpful for that, but mainly a huge eye-opener. Now I'm reading it from a different perspective: not for relationship management, but damage assessment. That is, " What exactly did this person -do- to me?? " Here I am, all grown up, but I never was parented. And now I realize how deep my problems are with lack of self-esteem. So, reading the book is more difficult this time because I can picture the kid I was and I feel sorry for her. Where-as, last time, I just felt mad. I could have hit her with the book! But, yeah, it's been really helpful for me. Some chapters I had skipped last time but an reading now, so I'm learning more about how my other family members fit into the twisted puzzle. ...It is difficult to swallow. I have flagged so many pages of this book that its edge now has a colorful fringe decor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 Good book, but I found " Surviving a Borderline Parent " to be much more helpful. Simple, realistic ways of communicating to keep yourself emotionally safe and helps the adult child create and maintain boundaries. I keep a list of communication hints from the book by my phone for those oh-so-fun conversations. It also builds your sense of self and helps you recognize your rights as a person. This book was not always easy to read, but worth it in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2006 Report Share Posted July 13, 2006 Stacey, I've ordered that one, too! I love how Amazon has all of those reader comments so you have a better idea of what the book addresses. All told, I've ordered about 5 books and have my journal and hi-lighter ready for when they arrive. I'm in " research " mode! > > Good book, but I found " Surviving a Borderline Parent " to be much more > helpful. Simple, realistic ways of communicating to keep yourself > emotionally safe and helps the adult child create and maintain > boundaries. I keep a list of communication hints from the book by my > phone for those oh-so-fun conversations. It also builds your sense of > self and helps you recognize your rights as a person. This book was > not always easy to read, but worth it in the end. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2006 Report Share Posted July 13, 2006 Great post -- and yes, my Dad dropped the subject when I refused to play the guilt game. And yes, you're right about " Is it truly weakness? or Guilt -- that they've programmed us to feel! My dear friend advised me not to call during this " guilt " phase that my parents are putting me through -- because my reasons for calling would be the wrong reasons: guilt. A person in a " normal " relationship calls because they want to interact in a healthy way. So why do my parents get a pass when they " guilt " me into calling them and running to their side? Blechhh. I'm sick of it. It's like signing a confession under duress for something horrible you didn't do. At that point, you're selling out your integrity. At that point, it's healthy to stop engaging with people like that. > >>> I can't tell you what a God-send finding this group has been. > > Same here! I just found it yesterday and already feel uplifted. I'm > excited to hear others like me out there. Even just this " phone > call " thing... My in-laws have thought I'm so rude for not calling my > mother all the time, but they don't understand. They met her only > once, when she had her sweet mask on. So few people believe me when I > say what she's capable of. But here, I can tell you guys know what > this is like! > > >>> I am currently in one of those " power struggle " periods with > >>> my parents right now. I'm thinking the " no contact " maybe last > >>> awhile, as they try to see how long they can punish me by not > >>> calling, while simultaneously bad-mouthing me for not callingthem. > > Ah! Sounds familiar. The " court banishment " so-to-speak. maddening! > > >>> I challenged his version of the facts: > > Uh-oh. (always dangerous) :-( > > >>> " Why didn't one of you pick up the phone? " > >>> He dropped it after that. > > Yikes. At first I thought you meant he dropped the phone. But maybe > you meant he dropped the subject. That'd be better! > > On Mother's Day (maybe 3 years ago?), I was dreading calling home, > but I knew I'd have to. Unfortunately, I put it off until evening. By > the time she picked up the phone, she had been stewing ALL DAY, > waiting. I had no idea! I said, " Happy Mother's Day! " and she started > yelling, " It's too LATE for that NOW, isn't it!!? " and hung up on me. > So, this year I called her on the day BEFORE Mother's Day. That seemed > to work better. > > >>> It's scary territory -- the longer we don't speak, the more I'm > >>> uncomfortable letting it be that way. I've been programmed to keep > >>> things alive with them. The sad truth is that I may have to face > >>> the stark truth that I'm not close to them. But it's long > overdue. > > :-( wow. It sounds like you know how things are. > > I didn't admit such stuff to myself until a few years ago, and yet > it still hasn't sunk in completely. Realizing a parent isn't what you > would like them to be (and they likely -never- will be) is so hard. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2006 Report Share Posted July 13, 2006 I am both anxious for the book to arrive, and somewhat dreading the damage assessment that will surely follow as I read it. Also, I have to acknowledge the wrongs I have done based on being raised by a BPD. But, I am sure that I am a loving, nurturing mother and I am sure that the book will help me improve that area -- and be hyper- vigilant about raising my children in a healthy way. For some reason, Amazon has been slow in shipping that one, and I'm on vacation with the kids, so I won't be able to get my hands on it until we pack up and go home next week. Arghhhh!!! -kyla > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good read? > > I just began reading it for a second time, last week. The first > time I read it was about three years ago, when I was trying > to figure out how to have contact with my mother without her > constantly exploding and upsetting me. (I'd bought the SWOE book too.) > It was somewhat helpful for that, but mainly a huge eye-opener. > > Now I'm reading it from a different perspective: not for relationship > management, but damage assessment. That is, " What exactly did this > person -do- to me?? " Here I am, all grown up, but I never was > parented. And now I realize how deep my problems are with lack of > self-esteem. So, reading the book is more difficult this time because > I can picture the kid I was and I feel sorry for her. Where-as, last > time, I just felt mad. I could have hit her with the book! But, yeah, > it's been really helpful for me. Some chapters I had skipped last time > but an reading now, so I'm learning more about how my other family > members fit into the twisted puzzle. ...It is difficult to swallow. > > I have flagged so many pages of this book that its edge now has a > colorful fringe decor. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2006 Report Share Posted July 14, 2006 kyla take it a few pages at a time if you need to because the book is hard to take in all at once even if you want to. It is so emotionally stressful. But don't worry about your parenting I am sure you are great. The book doesn't much talk about your parenting until the last part living backwards. Feel free to write in your thoughts on the book Love Lizzy > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good > read? > > > > I just began reading it for a second time, last week. The first > > time I read it was about three years ago, when I was trying > > to figure out how to have contact with my mother without her > > constantly exploding and upsetting me. (I'd bought the SWOE book > too.) > > It was somewhat helpful for that, but mainly a huge eye-opener. > > > > Now I'm reading it from a different perspective: not for > relationship > > management, but damage assessment. That is, " What exactly did this > > person -do- to me?? " Here I am, all grown up, but I never was > > parented. And now I realize how deep my problems are with lack of > > self-esteem. So, reading the book is more difficult this time > because > > I can picture the kid I was and I feel sorry for her. Where-as, > last > > time, I just felt mad. I could have hit her with the book! But, > yeah, > > it's been really helpful for me. Some chapters I had skipped last > time > > but an reading now, so I'm learning more about how my other family > > members fit into the twisted puzzle. ...It is difficult to swallow. > > > > I have flagged so many pages of this book that its edge now has a > > colorful fringe decor. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2006 Report Share Posted July 14, 2006 Thanks -- that sounds like great advice -- I'll take it in small, digestible bites. I'll keep you posted -- -kyla > > > > > > > > Has anyone read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? > > > > Before I buy it I wanted to know if it was helpful and a good > > read? > > > > > > I just began reading it for a second time, last week. The first > > > time I read it was about three years ago, when I was trying > > > to figure out how to have contact with my mother without her > > > constantly exploding and upsetting me. (I'd bought the SWOE book > > too.) > > > It was somewhat helpful for that, but mainly a huge eye-opener. > > > > > > Now I'm reading it from a different perspective: not for > > relationship > > > management, but damage assessment. That is, " What exactly did > this > > > person -do- to me?? " Here I am, all grown up, but I never was > > > parented. And now I realize how deep my problems are with lack of > > > self-esteem. So, reading the book is more difficult this time > > because > > > I can picture the kid I was and I feel sorry for her. Where- as, > > last > > > time, I just felt mad. I could have hit her with the book! But, > > yeah, > > > it's been really helpful for me. Some chapters I had skipped > last > > time > > > but an reading now, so I'm learning more about how my other > family > > > members fit into the twisted puzzle. ...It is difficult to > swallow. > > > > > > I have flagged so many pages of this book that its edge now has a > > > colorful fringe decor. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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