Re: Defusing from my world view

[Guest guest]

I understand how you feel. When deeply depressed I have also thought that my negative view of the world is accurate.

I have always had difficulty getting angry though. My mind tells me that it is inappropriate to get angry with others There but for the grace of God etc.. My best friend has been trying to teach me to be angry as she thinks I'm not normal. I guess my core beliefs are that I am responsible for all the evils in the world so had beeter not judge anyone else as that's too risky!!

Not trying to sound pious at all. I bet many of my values are the same as yours. I just lack confidence to voice them!

What I have found helpful though is to label all the bad things that people do as part of being human and try not to personalise. That doesn't let people off the hook I suppose but it prevents me from getting too upset.

I wish I could learn to see all my faults as jjust part of being human but I am an expert at beating myself up.

Maybe this is down to upbringing, fear of being abandoned if I expressed any anger? Not sure but I am far more likely to withdraw into myself than get angry. That clearly isn't the answer either!

S.

Subject: Defusing from my world viewTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, May 19, 2010, 5:13 PM

Lou wrote, "I feel inexplicably connected to everything in our world, politics, economics, social conditions, natural disasters and crime etc. etc. I fully comprehend that I have no external control over these things but I'm left with such a bad taste in my mouth when I hear of injustices that I withdraw from society."I don't withdraw, I get negative, angry, edgy, sad, depressed (but not in a withdrawing way.)Kate added, "I'm not sure how one goes about "defusing" from this mindset, because I think that it is actually a pretty accurate view of reality!"I've been talking about just this issue with my therapist. I find it difficult to defuse from facts and values.I'm very judgmental and adamant that I'm always right. It's quite difficult for me to make Minnesota nice, use a questioning tone in my voice, and play dumb. Others, especially co-workers, are put off my "tone" of authority. I actually had a performance review

that indicated I needed be less direct in tone, even if I was right. Huh?!I'm also very judgmental about the state of the world and social issues. I find I'm unable to defuse from both things I know and things I highly value.Georgia asked, "It's a tough question: How to stay loving and cool in a hating, hot world!"I get caught in a loop where I get so angry and judgmental about people who have vastly different values than I do – especially about political values, civil rights and discrimination. I end up becoming as nasty and hateful as they are.I wish I had some Ruby Bridges type forgiveness in my soul. I teach 4th grade Sunday school at a Unitarian Universalistic church. We are in the middle of a civil rights unit and watched the film "Ruby Bridges." Ruby was the first black child to integrate the New Orleans public schools. There is a very vivid scene – this is not "fiction." It was documented by Ruby, her teacher

Mrs. Henry and Dr. Coles, an internationally renowned expert on children in crisis/trauma. Every day Ruby was escorted by Federal marshals because of the hundreds of protesters yelling, spitting, and burning her in effigy and so on at the door to the school. Every day Ruby prayed as she walked past the mob, "Please, God, try to forgive those people. Because even if they say those bad things, they don't know what they're doing."While reading the paper today I got "hooked" into judging once again. A father hoisted his 2 year old over the outer safety barrier, despite all the signage, and put his son up against the wire fence of the cougar enclosure. Kid gets scratched by the cougar through the wire fence. Dad's got a lawyer already! My judgments just won't stop floating in my head – "Dad's a fracking idiot!"I'm so torn inside. I need to defuse from always needing to be right so I can be more "socially acceptable." I need to defuse

from being so judgmental about people who disagree with me about social issues both so I can be more "acceptable," but also less angry. I'm tired of being angry and negative most of the time. BUT I find it so difficult to play dumb or even keep quiet about knowing things. I'm the smart one. I'm not the pretty one or the athletic one or the popular one. I'm the smart one! If I'm not that what am I – nothing. I find it impossible to dismiss my core values because they aren't in line with the moral minority or tea party crowd.On more than one occasion I've envied the peace that comes when someone doesn't have the cognitive ability to know how fracked up our world is. My developmentally disabled cousin is the happiest person I know.Sorry for such a long post. You guys hit a nerve.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barbara,

My thoughts to your post are that it must be very tiring to be so angry all the

time. I get angry a fair bit myself but not as much as I think you are.

I understand that often you are right and that you might understand things

around you better than others. Of course it's difficult to defuse from thoughts

you perceive as correct and real. But no matter how angry you get and how right

you are, you obviously have very little control over your environment and people

in general. Do you think you could be right but still manage to take a step back

and let things be as they are? For your own sake?

Is being right your value?

-Y

-- In ACT_for_the_Public , " Barbara " wrote:

>

> Lou wrote, " I feel inexplicably connected to everything in our world,

politics, economics, social conditions, natural disasters and crime etc. etc. I

fully comprehend that I have no external control over these things but I'm left

with such a bad taste in my mouth when I hear of injustices that I withdraw from

society. "

>

> I don't withdraw, I get negative, angry, edgy, sad, depressed (but not in a

withdrawing way.)

>

> Kate added, " I'm not sure how one goes about " defusing " from this mindset,

because I think that it is actually a pretty accurate view of reality! "

>

> I've been talking about just this issue with my therapist. I find it difficult

to defuse from facts and values.

>

> I'm very judgmental and adamant that I'm always right. It's quite difficult

for me to make Minnesota nice, use a questioning tone in my voice, and play

dumb. Others, especially co-workers, are put off my " tone " of authority. I

actually had a performance review that indicated I needed be less direct in

tone, even if I was right. Huh?!

>

> I'm also very judgmental about the state of the world and social issues. I

find I'm unable to defuse from both things I know and things I highly value.

>

> Georgia asked, " It's a tough question: How to stay loving and cool in a

hating, hot world! "

>

> I get caught in a loop where I get so angry and judgmental about people who

have vastly different values than I do – especially about political values,

civil rights and discrimination. I end up becoming as nasty and hateful as they

are.

>

> I wish I had some Ruby Bridges type forgiveness in my soul. I teach 4th grade

Sunday school at a Unitarian Universalistic church. We are in the middle of a

civil rights unit and watched the film " Ruby Bridges. " Ruby was the first black

child to integrate the New Orleans public schools. There is a very vivid scene –

this is not " fiction. " It was documented by Ruby, her teacher Mrs. Henry and Dr.

Coles, an internationally renowned expert on children in crisis/trauma.

Every day Ruby was escorted by Federal marshals because of the hundreds of

protesters yelling, spitting, and burning her in effigy and so on at the door to

the school. Every day Ruby prayed as she walked past the mob, " Please, God, try

to forgive those people. Because even if they say those bad things, they don't

know what they're doing. "

>

> While reading the paper today I got " hooked " into judging once again. A father

hoisted his 2 year old over the outer safety barrier, despite all the signage,

and put his son up against the wire fence of the cougar enclosure. Kid gets

scratched by the cougar through the wire fence. Dad's got a lawyer already! My

judgments just won't stop floating in my head – " Dad's a fracking idiot! "

>

> I'm so torn inside. I need to defuse from always needing to be right so I can

be more " socially acceptable. " I need to defuse from being so judgmental about

people who disagree with me about social issues both so I can be more

" acceptable, " but also less angry. I'm tired of being angry and negative most of

the time. BUT I find it so difficult to play dumb or even keep quiet about

knowing things. I'm the smart one. I'm not the pretty one or the athletic one or

the popular one. I'm the smart one! If I'm not that what am I – nothing. I find

it impossible to dismiss my core values because they aren't in line with the

moral minority or tea party crowd.

>

> On more than one occasion I've envied the peace that comes when someone

doesn't have the cognitive ability to know how fracked up our world is. My

developmentally disabled cousin is the happiest person I know.

>

> Sorry for such a long post. You guys hit a nerve.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Helena,

I get the difference between authoritative and authoritarian but I'm not so sure that I would describe being judgmental as mind chatter. Isn't it more about values?

I have been wondering a lot about the way what I've read so far about ACT doesn't seem to distinguish between thoughts as intrusions and thinking as deliberate chosen behaviour. I get how being self-critical could best be described as mind chatter but I'm not so sure I value being judgemental. Having views about what you think is right and expressing them and being able to formulate arguments based on reviewing evidence is a bit different from being judgemental isn't it?

Maybe just about the meaning of words that I interpret differently?

S.

Lou wrote, "I feel inexplicably connected to everything in our world, politics, economics, social conditions, natural disasters and crime etc. etc. I fully comprehend that I have no external control over these things but I'm left with such a bad taste in my mouth when I hear of injustices that I withdraw from society."I don't withdraw, I get negative, angry, edgy, sad, depressed (but not in a withdrawing way.)Kate added, "I'm not sure how one goes about "defusing" from this mindset, because I think that it is actually a pretty accurate view of reality!"I've been talking about just this issue with my therapist. I find it difficult to defuse from facts and values.I'm very judgmental and adamant that I'm always right. It's quite difficult for me to make Minnesota nice, use a questioning tone in my voice, and play dumb. Others, especially co-workers, are put off my "tone" of authority. I actually had a performance review

that indicated I needed be less direct in tone, even if I was right. Huh?!I'm also very judgmental about the state of the world and social issues. I find I'm unable to defuse from both things I know and things I highly value.Georgia asked, "It's a tough question: How to stay loving and cool in a hating, hot world!"I get caught in a loop where I get so angry and judgmental about people who have vastly different values than I do – especially about political values, civil rights and discrimination. I end up becoming as nasty and hateful as they are.I wish I had some Ruby Bridges type forgiveness in my soul. I teach 4th grade Sunday school at a Unitarian Universalistic church. We are in the middle of a civil rights unit and watched the film "Ruby Bridges." Ruby was the first black child to integrate the New Orleans public schools. There is a very vivid scene – this is not "fiction." It was documented by Ruby, her teacher

Mrs. Henry and Dr. Coles, an internationally renowned expert on children in crisis/trauma. Every day Ruby was escorted by Federal marshals because of the hundreds of protesters yelling, spitting, and burning her in effigy and so on at the door to the school. Every day Ruby prayed as she walked past the mob, "Please, God, try to forgive those people. Because even if they say those bad things, they don't know what they're doing."While reading the paper today I got "hooked" into judging once again. A father hoisted his 2 year old over the outer safety barrier, despite all the signage, and put his son up against the wire fence of the cougar enclosure. Kid gets scratched by the cougar through the wire fence. Dad's got a lawyer already! My judgments just won't stop floating in my head – "Dad's a fracking idiot!"I'm so torn inside. I need to defuse from always needing to be right so I can be more "socially acceptable." I need to defuse

from being so judgmental about people who disagree with me about social issues both so I can be more "acceptable," but also less angry. I'm tired of being angry and negative most of the time. BUT I find it so difficult to play dumb or even keep quiet about knowing things. I'm the smart one. I'm not the pretty one or the athletic one or the popular one. I'm the smart one! If I'm not that what am I – nothing. I find it impossible to dismiss my core values because they aren't in line with the moral minority or tea party crowd.On more than one occasion I've envied the peace that comes when someone doesn't have the cognitive ability to know how fracked up our world is. My developmentally disabled cousin is the happiest person I know.Sorry for such a long post. You guys hit a nerve.

[Guest guest]

Thoughts are thoughts, I believe is ACT's point of view, whether they are intrusions or deliberate acts. They are formulations of words, that's all - pictures we try to draw, for ourselves or others, of our experience of the world. ACT just tells us to remember that they're pictures, words. As the example goes, the tiger my wife describes to me after her trip to Africa is nothing I need fear. Still, it's wonderful having a way to share her experience of the bush!

Values, on the other hand, seem to me very personal things. We arrive at them on our own. Values are what each of us chooses to commit to. There is no right or wrong to values, so there can be no debate, no meaningful judgment. Besides, I believe ACT would say that it's the commitment that's most important here, not the content of the values. 

This has been an interesting thread. Thanks to everyone who's posted. If I'm off base with any of the above, please let me hear.Tom