Using self-help books with BPD parents

[Guest guest]

Hi again,

I thought I'd add a comment about the various self-help

books on BPD. As I said, many of them have been quite

helpful (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Understanding the

Borderline Mother, and Surviving a Borderline Parent

are three books that I'd recommend). However, none of

the communication techniques ever " worked " for me.

To expand on that, it was very helpful to understand that

my mother had a specific problem (BPD) which might show

up as certain predictable patterns. It was important for

me to realize that it was up to me to change my behavior

(see the FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt, set boundaries,

and even cut out all contact with her if/when I felt it

was necessary for my mental health).

What did *not* help was the idea that if I changed my own

behavior then she would change hers. Some of the books

make it look like certain communication styles will be

useful in making the person with BPD hear you and even

learn how to speak with you on an adult level. Perhaps

this will work if the person is young enough, or has

not had 27+ years of valium addiction, or is motivated

enough to save the relationship (e.g., he or she wants

to avoid you going to non-contact).

I'm sure there must be cases where these communication

techniques actually work with a person who has BPD or

else they would not be listed in all these different

books written by different authors! But I've never been

able to make them work with my own mother. And I tried

for years with input not only from my own therapist but

also from my mother's therapist (a brief " fling " that

quickly ended when my mother realized she might have to

make some changes in her behavior, LOL).

So, if you keep trying these communication methods, but

nothing changes on the other side, and you've worked with

your therapist (or friends/family/etc.) to verify that

you're doing your best, then perhaps your BPD parent is

simply unable (or is unwilling) to communicate in any

adult way.

I'm sharing this because this is what happened with me.

I have no idea how common this is but it seems to be

true for several on this list. I wish I'd trusted my own

instincts earlier instead of thinking, " But the books

say that this communication technique will work, so I

must have done it wrong! " or " She's having a really bad

day, next time I'm sure the 'BELL' technique will work. "

I'm sure that not everyone who has a BPD parent runs into

this situation. But just in case newbies on the list do run

into this I hope you don't blame it on yourself. If the BPD

parent does not have something to motivate them to change

then all the communication techniques in the world will do

nothing to change them. They will continue to yell, or whine,

or scream, or use FOG, or whatever.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful. I don't want to make

people feel pessimistic. These communication techniques are

worth a try--if nothing else, it makes you stronger when you

can say something clearly and calmly. You feel better about

yourself. But don't feel too disappointed if the only thing

that happens is that you see how crazy they are even while

you are being completely calm.

Hugs,

Marjorie

ahimsa@...