Re: Newbie

[Guest guest]

Hi Kate,

Maybe as a consequence of the unusual time-zone I'm in, I'll

get the priviledge of being the first to welcome you here.

I'm a fairly recently diagnosed old Aspie guy myself, a relative

newcomer to this list too, and I can vouch for the core posters here

being an exceptionally helpful, knowledgeable and supportive bunch.

Of course it's possible to exhibit some Aspie traits without actually

being over the diagnostic limit that would define you as Aspie. The

traits are many and varied, some beneficial and some more troublesome,

and each individual trait can come in different strengths, so even

if you notice some strong correlation with some of the known AS traits

in yourself, that doesn't necessarily put you over the limit, so to

speak. Equally, even if you are over that limit, it doesn't

necessarily mean you're disabled or a worse person in any way.

There are lots of on-line tests you can do to check yourself, but they

all have an element of subjective interpretation, so if you're

borderline you can be Aspie one day and NT the next! Not only that you

can cheat and sway the result a bit, depending on what you want to hear!

A comprehensive list of Aspie characteristics, compiled by an Aspie who

I believe was one of the founder members of this List can be found at

http://www.rogernmeyer.com/adult_acts_and_consequences_as_characteristics.html

I like this because it doesn't pretend to be able to tell us whether

we're under or over the limit, but it allows us to assess ourselves

against a wide range of Aspie traits.

You'll find there are lots of female members on this list, some NT,

some AS who have difficult husbands, partners, parents or kids that they

suspect are AS. It seems to be quite common for those partners to be

in denial, and I'm sure you'll soon be starting to hear the members'

stories about it. I suppose it's fair to say most Aspies have some

difficult streaks in them. I certainly do, but personally I don't

understand why so many go into denial about it.

Definitely sounds like you did the right thing and avoided a lot of

trouble by turning that fiancée of yours down. Without discussion and

agreement on such basics, I don't see how any relationship can work at

all. We Aspies do tend to dig our heels in with disputes. This is

often because we've misunderstood something, though, or nobody has taken

the trouble to explain things to us properly.

Once again, welcome, and I know we'll all look forward to hearing more

from you.

+

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On Tue, 03 May 2011 at 04:30:19 -0000, Kate wrote:

> Hi everyone!

>

> My name is Kate. I kind of wanted to figure out whether I was truly Aspie

or not, so I decided to learn more about it, which brought me here.

>

> My father is most definitely an Aspie. Of this I am absolutely certain. I have

read enough and seen enough to know that this is the case. He, however, doesn't

believe that AS is a " real " disorder, thus all attempts at helping him are met

with anger or denial. It is not just me who has brought up the possibility of

this being a part of him. My mother (parents are now divorced) and his therapist

have both said this might be the case.

>

> I was also recently engaged to an Aspie. Must be the whole idea of wanting a

husband like Daddy... He had a confirmed diagnosis and, if anything, that made

him even more impossible to deal with than even my father. He felt it gave him

the right to act in whichever way he wanted and did not consider my feelings

important if they did not mirror his. Our relationship ended when I told him I

was unsure about my feelings regarding our marriage because I felt that he did

not care about my input in the wedding plans or our plans to raise a family. He

did not address the reasons, he simply told me that I knew where to send the

ring back to.

>

> In my attempt to ascertain whether or not I am a true Aspie, I have gotten

into some discussions on the idea of nature versus nurture. Am I the way I am

because I witnessed my father acting this way when I was a child? Or was it

deeper, with my father's DNA playing a part in my potential Aspie-ness as well?

Personally, I think it was both.

>

> I must note that my mother's influence (definitely NT) has helped me to

understand that my underlying tendencies do not have to rule the way I choose to

be now. I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy learning how to

empathize (or at least how to fake it), how to give up an argument (sometimes

involving throwing things in my room and then sytematically picking them up and

cleaning the whole room afterwards), and why it is important to be socially

acceptable (ranging from modulating my energetic personality to realizing that

people who have control over me in some way, like teachers, are happy with me).

>

> I am also the eldest of 5 girls. There is one other in my gaggle that might be

an Aspie, but again she has a lot of NT in her from having my mom be the parent

who raised her predominantly.

>

> Sorry for taking so long!! Thanks for reading

>

> Happy to be here,

> Kate

>

[Guest guest]

Eyre wrote:

<< It seems to be quite common for those partners to be

in denial, and I'm sure you'll soon be starting to hear the members'

stories about it. I suppose it's fair to say most Aspies have some

difficult streaks in them. I certainly do, but personally I don't

understand why so many go into denial about it. >>

Denial is a common defensive reaction when people are told (or fear)

that there is something off about them, that they are not 'normal' in

some way.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group! And it did not seem long at all, probably because you instinctively paragraphed everything, thus making it an easier read. You do indeed sound like there is likely some Aspie in you, but you also seem to have developed excellent coping skills. Again, welcome to the group and looking forward to conversing with you! ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Tue, 03 May 2011 04:30:19 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Newbie Hi everyone!My name is Kate. I kind of wanted to figure out whether I was truly Aspie or not, so I decided to learn more about it, which brought me here. My father is most definitely an Aspie. Of this I am absolutely certain. I have read enough and seen enough to know that this is the case. He, however, doesn't believe that AS is a " real " disorder, thus all attempts at helping him are met with anger or denial. It is not just me who has brought up the possibility of this being a part of him. My mother (parents are now divorced) and his therapist have both said this might be the case.I was also recently engaged to an Aspie. Must be the whole idea of wanting a husband like Daddy... He had a confirmed diagnosis and, if anything, that made him even more impossible to deal with than even my father. He felt it gave him the right to act in whichever way he wanted and did not consider my feelings important if they did not mirror his. Our relationship ended when I told him I was unsure about my feelings regarding our marriage because I felt that he did not care about my input in the wedding plans or our plans to raise a family. He did not address the reasons, he simply told me that I knew where to send the ring back to.In my attempt to ascertain whether or not I am a true Aspie, I have gotten into some discussions on the idea of nature versus nurture. Am I the way I am because I witnessed my father acting this way when I was a child? Or was it deeper, with my father's DNA playing a part in my potential Aspie-ness as well? Personally, I think it was both. I must note that my mother's influence (definitely NT) has helped me to understand that my underlying tendencies do not have to rule the way I choose to be now. I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy learning how to empathize (or at least how to fake it), how to give up an argument (sometimes involving throwing things in my room and then sytematically picking them up and cleaning the whole room afterwards), and why it is important to be socially acceptable (ranging from modulating my energetic personality to realizing that people who have control over me in some way, like teachers, are happy with me).I am also the eldest of 5 girls. There is one other in my gaggle that might be an Aspie, but again she has a lot of NT in her from having my mom be the parent who raised her predominantly.Sorry for taking so long!! Thanks for reading Happy to be here, Kate

[Guest guest]

> Eyre wrote:

> << It seems to be quite common for those partners to be

> in denial, and I'm sure you'll soon be starting to hear the members'

> stories about it. I suppose it's fair to say most Aspies have some

> difficult streaks in them. I certainly do, but personally I don't

> understand why so many go into denial about it. >>

>

> Denial is a common defensive reaction when people are told (or fear)

> that there is something off about them, that they are not 'normal' in

> some way.

It is also denial when a person refuses to accept some aspect of reality. This

can be external:

Example: my ex " knew " I had no interest in sex. Even after I started approaching

him again (he was too tired, or injured, or needed to think things over), bought

a sex guide for us to read and discuss (he had no time when I suggested we look

at the book, and he never suggested we open it), invited him to look at online

sex toy sites with me (he's in the middle of the book chapter) ... next time the

subject came up in therapy, he still was upset because I was asexual and had no

interest in sex. [Yes, I verbally let him have it -- he admitted I did approach

him, and that maybe I wasn't asexual -- but at our next therapy session, you

guessed it, I was labelled asexual yet again. Classic denial.]

or internal:

Example 2: Although he had numerous hook-ups with men, over at least 7 years,

short and long-term, XH refused to admit he was bisexual.

[My XH's consistent and extreme denial of critical things is a major reason why

we can't stay together.]

" De Nile " is also a river in Egypt -- old joke.

--Liz