I'm new- wanted to introduce myself

[Guest guest]

Amy this is probably hard core, but you asked for advice.

NT guys pull the " I'm sorry I have kids and hate my life all " the time on

spouses and girlfriends. " I'm not giving the Aspie free pass on this one. I

think it is totally unfair. Unfair to puke all that hate on your shoes.

Especially since he CHANGED AFTER the kids arrived. I know plenty of guys who

are upfront about how the dislike children. My brother has never wavered on that

and is now going through a divorce because his wife wants kids.

As a child, who mother ROUTINELY told us how much we were a burden, wish she

never had us, faked her way through stuff (seriously, kids are not stupid), I

want so much for 1) they get divorced because both of my parents were miserable

2) we get dumped into foster care. I think I was around 8 when I started hoping

for that. Never happened. Those 2 psychos tormented each other until she died

six years ago. 38 long years of simmering resentment. That should be pity.

Bonus, a week before she died, she piped up again how much she wish she never

had kids. Thanks mom for the stellar final memory. I wasn't a substance abuser

or criminal. I went to university, got married. Didn't matter. They both had the

parenting skills of reptiles. Not abusive. We got food/clothes/when to school/

whatever. Just the emotional void was loud and so was the unspoken resentment.

So staying for the sake of the children made two shrinks grandchildren's trust

funds pretty full. At least in my case. I wouldn't put my worse enemy though

that.

I married my Aspie husband twice. The first time he pulled the " I hate my life "

card on me. Fine, you have 3 business days to figure out what YOU want to do.

Therapy, couples therapy, divorce. Not staying with anyone who is phoning in

living.

He said divorce, no to therapy. Fine. Never fought over stuff. The lawyer said

he couldn't believe we were getting divorce. Why be angry? I was moving the hell

on, and he was getting what he wanted. " Freedom " . Long story- short 3 years

later he wanted to see me. Fine, what had changed? He got therapy. He told me he

couldn't believe I WENT through with the divorce. Hello? Mr. I'm unhappy with my

life. Uh. When someone says their life sucks, and I'm part of the issue, what

I'm suppose to do? Stay and keep getting the emotional scab routinely pulled

off?

We remarried 10 years ago. It has been bumpy. During his mental break down, last

June, when he acted so bad I had to call the cops, he got the ultimatum again.

You better work your therapy program or I'm gone. I don't do chaos. I'm not

putting our DD through that.

Jay is doing better. The one thing I know in my heart he truly loves our 7 year

old daughter. He doesn't do the " responsible parenting " thing well. He has no

clue what to feed her, or what is appropriate dress for school. Or toys for her

age etc. But if I ask him to something for her, and lay it all out, he will do

it with a happy heart.

You husband sounds depressed. I'll be charitable. When depressed everything

feels dead. I've been IP in a psych unit for twice for depression. I know that

feeling.

I would not let things go status quo. Your husband has to figure out how HE

wants to handle his problem. If it's depression-fine, people go through that all

the time. If it's a mid life crisis thing. Fine. Therapy or separate. See how

much he enjoys being away from you and the children.

I know FOR ME, I wouldn't let him just bump along. He needs to learn that there

are some serious consequences for things said too. And if it is truly, honestly

how he feels, why should he stay? There's no crime in that. Let him get therapy

to figure what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

The two best questions a shrink asked me, " is if you own the lottery tomorrow,

would you stay or go? " Right now, I would stay even though my situation is less

than stellar. Also, if your husband doesn't offer you any thing more/less

emotionally at this moment in time, would you be satisfied? This question is for

you. If it doesn't get any better, can I live with this (whatever " this " is)?.

Remember that question does not include things you wish he would do. It is how

he is at this moment in time.

HTH

Nanci

[Guest guest]

Both Aimee's and 's stories are really hurting me. No, not from

anything either of you two have done, but from my own self who I see as

an even nastier individual than either of your husbands or even 's

parents.

I think we're seeing effects of AS in one of its worst lights here.

I only realised I didn't want my 1st wife's child after she first

accidentally became pregnant 40 years ago. Fortunately (or otherwise,

depending on how you look at it) she had a natural miscarriage and I was

spared the horror of it being born. At least this event made it clear

to both of us that I didn't want a child with her. But then she had

another " accident " and got pregnant again. My horror returned in full

force; all I wanted was to get rid of it. But no, she did want it,

and wouldn't get rid of it. We were at loggerheads and sought some

psychiatric counselling but it was ineffective, and as she came near to

her term I panicked, became violent, lost my job and had to be

institutionalised until a month after the birth. I tried, but I never

loved this child, and I had to support it until it reached the age of

18. Basically I've always felt it's birth was a mistake and therefore

its life ought to be eliminated.

See what I mean about me being an even nastier person?

My feelings against the child's life haven't really changed in the 38

intervening years since that traumatic pregnancy, and it's these

feelings that led to my Aspie diagnosis 21 months ago. Now I can blame

it all on Aspergers instead of on " me " which is what I was doing for the

previous 36 years.

Aimee's and 's stories have prompted me to blurt all this out just

now because I thought it might help you to understand how adversely in

some cases, an Aspie can be affected by the arrival of children. It's

all to do with our compulsive need to carefully plan everything in

advance and to try to run our lives in an orderly fashion. This seems

to completely clash with the way things run in a young family. The

clash becomes eminently visible as babies turn into children, so I can

absolutely relate to Aimee's husband finding he doesn't like to be a

father any more. I'd say fathering is a job better suited to NTs than

to Aspies, but if Aimee's husband is willing to raise the kids, that's

surely a big positive to credit him with.

Aimee, you can't force someone to " like " doing something that's

basically against their nature. Neither do I see any reason for either

of you to feel anger or guilt about the dislike your husband has so

honestly expressed. The situation can't really be changed so you might

just as well both make the most of it and get on with your lives. Be

grateful it's all out in the open and there's nothing hidden to crawl

out of the woodwork.

[Guest guest]

hello aimee--i read your post yesterday and have been mulling it over ever since.our situations are very similar: i've been married to an in denial AS rocket scientist husband for over 21 years. we've known each other over 27 years. we have a 12 year old son with AS and an NT 10 year old son who is gifted. after finally getting the AS label for my son about 3 years ago, a whole lot of things made sense to me about my smart but infuriating husband. i say it made sense TO ME because, of course. my husband sees nothing wrong with himself. denial is like a third partner in our relationship. i am the one who spends all the time trying new things and learning all i can to help our son (and our marriage) while my husband is "fine the way he is." according to my husband, 99% of the issues we have are because of ME and MY attitude. only rarely does he admit fault/responsibility.so . . . you may be asking yourself how is this like your situation? well, you seem to be at the same point in your life like i am, where you need to make a decision: do i stay and put up with it or do i go? i struggle with this daily. my boys NEED their dad in their lives. he's a good dad as far as he can be. he spends a lot of time coaching their sports teams and is usually available for anything they need (even if it does come with grumbling).as a husband and partner though, he leaves me feeling alone, misunderstood, and negatively judged/attacked. don't get me wrong, he has many good qualities that have enabled our family to have a good life, however it is the partnership/friendship that is lacking for me. it was after my son's diagnosis, that i realized my husband won't change and it is up to me to take him as is or leave. that was not an easy thing to realize. along with mourning the son i thought i had, i had to mourn the husband i thought i had (or could have if he'd just change!).as unfair as it seems, the decision is YOURS to make. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. he's not wired that way. as women, we are often called upon to conform and change to suit the situation (which we can do because we ARE wired that way) and so it seems wholly unfair that he is "allowed" to get away with not changing. i am currently trying to decide my position and for now, i'm staying put.it does eat at me every day that my boys have a male role model who doesn't really know how to treat a wife and doesn't take responsibility for his part in the relationship. i do point out to my boys (not in a negative way) that dad does things because of his AS that are not good for them to do when they grow up and marry. my 10 year old son gets that already. i'm not sure how much my 12 year old son gets that yet, but hopefully he'll at least have some awareness of a different way of doing things in a relationship.aimee, you can't make your husband love having kids. kids are smelly, loud, rambunctious, chaotic whirlwinds that probably overload your husband. i can say that it does seem to get better as the kids get older and become more "fun" to be around. you have these kids, with this man, that can't be changed. it is up to YOU to be a bring balance to their lives and interpret their dad for them. as other responders have said, your husband probably DOES love the kids, just not in the way you or i would expect. take what he does at face value and try not to worry about what he's thinking or even saying since you can't REALLY know what he's thinking and he doesn't have the emotional language to express what he really feels.as for you sounding clinical about your relationship, don't worry about how it sounds, aimee. you do need support and need to be able to get these things off your chest. is it any surprise really, that we sound clinical when talking about our AS husbands when that is how they interact with the world? how else could we talk about them? it isn't all wine and roses all the time and this is a serious topic.sorry if any of this seems harsh. i haven't fully explained a lot about my husband's good qualities or the love we DO share, but i wanted to address your concerns. take care--gwendolyn

[Guest guest]

Greetings:

Your post some how hot cut off. Can U repost?

Many thanks!

List Owner

hello aimee--i read your post yesterday and have been mulling it over ever since.

our situations are very similar: i've been married to an in denial AS rocket scientist husband for over 21 years. we've known each other over 27 years. we have a 12 year old son with AS and an NT 10 year old son who is gifted. after finally getting the AS label for my son about 3 years ago, a whole lot of things made sense to me about my smart but infuriating husband.

i say it made sense TO ME because, of course. my husband sees nothing wrong with himself. denial is like a third partner in our

[Guest guest]

, the entire content is showing for me.

Lorelie

To: aspires-relationships From: opu@...Date: Tue, 5 Apr 2011 11:20:40 -0700Subject: I'm new- wanted to introduce myself

Greetings:

Your post some how hot cut off. Can U repost?

Many thanks!

List Owner

hello aimee--i read your post yesterday and have been mulling it over ever since.

our situations are very similar: i've been married to an in denial AS rocket scientist husband for over 21 years. we've known each other over 27 years. we have a 12 year old son with AS and an NT 10 year old son who is gifted. after finally getting the AS label for my son about 3 years ago, a whole lot of things made sense to me about my smart but infuriating husband.

i say it made sense TO ME because, of course. my husband sees nothing wrong with himself. denial is like a third partner in our

[Guest guest]

I would just like to thank Helen and Jennie and Greg for their three

sympathetic understanding replies yesterday about my AS and Parenting

issues.

I think it will be best if I mull these and any new replies over for a

few days rather than rush out precipitative further comments immediately.

However it comes as quite a revelation to me to know that all three of

you now, plus Ron H the other day, can relate to some parts of my

feelings. I had previously imagined that I was so far out of line in

the way I feel, that I was pretty well unique, It seems not so.

Back again soon I hope. Thanks again,

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