Re: Blah, everything is bugging me!

June 23, 2006

My advice? Time to go therapist shopping. It doesn't sound like T

is in your corner and it is not at all therapeutic to put all of

this back on you when that was the problem in the first place.

>

> Well, as I said previously, I did not send my long confrontational

> letter to my mother, because my therapist advised that she could

not

> take the information and might wind up in the hospital.

>

> Instead, I sent a shorter letter stating that I had gotten in

> trouble at work for getting too many personal calls on my line and

> could be fired if she kept calling. The therapist thought this

> might help me calm down some if I could get the phone thing under

> control.

>

> I had been doing my best not to answer my mother's calls, but she

> rang the phone off the hook and I was starting to get really upset

> just from hearing it ring. I can't unplug the phone at work, but

I

> can unplug the home phone.

>

> Now, I am worrying that just the short letter I did send might

send

> her flying to the ER. My father called me last night and told me

> something I never knew before. A few years ago when my mother

> collapsed at home and I had to call 911 and an ambulance came and

> took her to the ER, and then the doctors said she was fine and

there

> was nothing wrong, well I didn't know this, but apparently she and

> my grandmother then told my sister in law that she had " caused a

> hear attack. " I knew my sister in law didn't like to be around

her,

> but I didn't know they'd actually accused her of causing a heart

> attack (which turned out to be a fake heart attack anyway).

>

> But then I started getting upset, because the therapist kind of

put

> the burden back on me again, like if I sent the letter and she

> flipped out and harmed herself, then I'm responsible. Sure my

> letter is confrontational, but it's this kind of fear " Can't upset

> your mother or she'll have a heart attack " that's kept all of us

> kids from ever having normal lives. Seriously--like I wasn't

> allowed to cut my hair for years because the thought of me having

> short hair caused my mother to flip out and have chest pains. I

> mean, seriously, it's not my problem, right? I've had people be

> really unfair to me--like a job where a less qualified guy got the

> promotion because the boss was male and they were buddies--but I

> still know that if I were to harm myself, that's my decision. I

> can't act completely irresponsible and blame it on someone else,

so

> why should she get to?

>

> Sorry. Major Vent!

>

June 23, 2006

I agree that you need a new therapist. I'm guessing your therapist

doesn't specialize in Borderline disorder, and if he/she does,

something is not right. There is a difference between being

assertive and aggressive. Assertiveness is stating what you need

without stepping on the dignity of another. If you are assertive,

which by definition, implies respectfulness, and the other person

can't handle it... it IS THEIR problem. If you say, " Mom, I need

you to stop calling me at work, " or " Mom, I need you to limit your

phone calls to me to once per day, and if you call me more than

that, I will not take your calls, " you are being assertive and

setting boundaries. If she doesn't like them, which she won't, too

bad. You can't allow her threats of hurting herself to be

manipulation tools.

Cissa

> >

> > Well, as I said previously, I did not send my long

confrontational

> > letter to my mother, because my therapist advised that she could

> not

> > take the information and might wind up in the hospital.

> >

> > Instead, I sent a shorter letter stating that I had gotten in

> > trouble at work for getting too many personal calls on my line

and

> > could be fired if she kept calling. The therapist thought this

> > might help me calm down some if I could get the phone thing

under

> > control.

> >

> > I had been doing my best not to answer my mother's calls, but

she

> > rang the phone off the hook and I was starting to get really

upset

> > just from hearing it ring. I can't unplug the phone at work,

but

> I

> > can unplug the home phone.

> >

> > Now, I am worrying that just the short letter I did send might

> send

> > her flying to the ER. My father called me last night and told

me

> > something I never knew before. A few years ago when my mother

> > collapsed at home and I had to call 911 and an ambulance came

and

> > took her to the ER, and then the doctors said she was fine and

> there

> > was nothing wrong, well I didn't know this, but apparently she

and

> > my grandmother then told my sister in law that she had " caused a

> > hear attack. " I knew my sister in law didn't like to be around

> her,

> > but I didn't know they'd actually accused her of causing a heart

> > attack (which turned out to be a fake heart attack anyway).

> >

> > But then I started getting upset, because the therapist kind of

> put

> > the burden back on me again, like if I sent the letter and she

> > flipped out and harmed herself, then I'm responsible. Sure my

> > letter is confrontational, but it's this kind of fear " Can't

upset

> > your mother or she'll have a heart attack " that's kept all of us

> > kids from ever having normal lives. Seriously--like I wasn't

> > allowed to cut my hair for years because the thought of me

having

> > short hair caused my mother to flip out and have chest pains. I

> > mean, seriously, it's not my problem, right? I've had people be

> > really unfair to me--like a job where a less qualified guy got

the

> > promotion because the boss was male and they were buddies--but I

> > still know that if I were to harm myself, that's my decision. I

> > can't act completely irresponsible and blame it on someone else,

> so

> > why should she get to?

> >

> > Sorry. Major Vent!

> >

>

June 23, 2006

Oh, don't forget... the name of the book is, " Stop Walking on

Eggshells. "

> >

> > Well, as I said previously, I did not send my long

confrontational

> > letter to my mother, because my therapist advised that she could

> not

> > take the information and might wind up in the hospital.

> >

> > Instead, I sent a shorter letter stating that I had gotten in

> > trouble at work for getting too many personal calls on my line

and

> > could be fired if she kept calling. The therapist thought this

> > might help me calm down some if I could get the phone thing

under

> > control.

> >

> > I had been doing my best not to answer my mother's calls, but

she

> > rang the phone off the hook and I was starting to get really

upset

> > just from hearing it ring. I can't unplug the phone at work,

but

> I

> > can unplug the home phone.

> >

> > Now, I am worrying that just the short letter I did send might

> send

> > her flying to the ER. My father called me last night and told

me

> > something I never knew before. A few years ago when my mother

> > collapsed at home and I had to call 911 and an ambulance came

and

> > took her to the ER, and then the doctors said she was fine and

> there

> > was nothing wrong, well I didn't know this, but apparently she

and

> > my grandmother then told my sister in law that she had " caused a

> > hear attack. " I knew my sister in law didn't like to be around

> her,

> > but I didn't know they'd actually accused her of causing a heart

> > attack (which turned out to be a fake heart attack anyway).

> >

> > But then I started getting upset, because the therapist kind of

> put

> > the burden back on me again, like if I sent the letter and she

> > flipped out and harmed herself, then I'm responsible. Sure my

> > letter is confrontational, but it's this kind of fear " Can't

upset

> > your mother or she'll have a heart attack " that's kept all of us

> > kids from ever having normal lives. Seriously--like I wasn't

> > allowed to cut my hair for years because the thought of me

having

> > short hair caused my mother to flip out and have chest pains. I

> > mean, seriously, it's not my problem, right? I've had people be

> > really unfair to me--like a job where a less qualified guy got

the

> > promotion because the boss was male and they were buddies--but I

> > still know that if I were to harm myself, that's my decision. I

> > can't act completely irresponsible and blame it on someone else,

> so

> > why should she get to?

> >

> > Sorry. Major Vent!

> >

>

June 23, 2006

I agree it sounds like T. is more concerned for nadas feelings than

yours. Just be free and know you can't give your nada a heart

attack. Lizzy

> >

> > Well, as I said previously, I did not send my long

confrontational

> > letter to my mother, because my therapist advised that she could

> not

> > take the information and might wind up in the hospital.

> >

> > Instead, I sent a shorter letter stating that I had gotten in

> > trouble at work for getting too many personal calls on my line

and

> > could be fired if she kept calling. The therapist thought this

> > might help me calm down some if I could get the phone thing

under

> > control.

> >

> > I had been doing my best not to answer my mother's calls, but

she

> > rang the phone off the hook and I was starting to get really

upset

> > just from hearing it ring. I can't unplug the phone at work,

but

> I

> > can unplug the home phone.

> >

> > Now, I am worrying that just the short letter I did send might

> send

> > her flying to the ER. My father called me last night and told

me

> > something I never knew before. A few years ago when my mother

> > collapsed at home and I had to call 911 and an ambulance came

and

> > took her to the ER, and then the doctors said she was fine and

> there

> > was nothing wrong, well I didn't know this, but apparently she

and

> > my grandmother then told my sister in law that she had " caused a

> > hear attack. " I knew my sister in law didn't like to be around

> her,

> > but I didn't know they'd actually accused her of causing a heart

> > attack (which turned out to be a fake heart attack anyway).

> >

> > But then I started getting upset, because the therapist kind of

> put

> > the burden back on me again, like if I sent the letter and she

> > flipped out and harmed herself, then I'm responsible. Sure my

> > letter is confrontational, but it's this kind of fear " Can't

upset

> > your mother or she'll have a heart attack " that's kept all of us

> > kids from ever having normal lives. Seriously--like I wasn't

> > allowed to cut my hair for years because the thought of me

having

> > short hair caused my mother to flip out and have chest pains. I

> > mean, seriously, it's not my problem, right? I've had people be

> > really unfair to me--like a job where a less qualified guy got

the

> > promotion because the boss was male and they were buddies--but I

> > still know that if I were to harm myself, that's my decision. I

> > can't act completely irresponsible and blame it on someone else,

> so

> > why should she get to?

> >

> > Sorry. Major Vent!

> >

>

June 23, 2006

I'm surprised your T said this. Do you think she is worried about how

you would handle it if you sent the letter and your nada did something

to herself, or had a heart attack? Maybe her concern is for how you

could handle that right now?

Does your T have much experience with bpd? Does she know your nada

outside of what she has heard from you in therapy? I'm just surprised

at the reasoning. I could see advising you not to send the letter

because you are not ready to handle what may happen, and need more time

to sort thing out. But to say not to because of your mother's reaction

to it seems to reenforce the whole bpd family thing where everyone but

the bpd is held responsible for the bpd's behavior. Part of breaking

free seems to be realizing that you are not responsible for your

parents. That their behavior is their choice. THe only think you can

control is you. And realizing that you don't have to have a

relationship with them if you don't what to. That you have a choice

whether to have contact at all, or to set clear boundaries. If your

nada has heart problem - a real one - she will end up in the hospital

one way or another. And it won't be your fault. If she ended up on

the psych ward, once again it would not be your fault. And even if she

hurt or killed herself (I don't know if this is part of her M.O. but it

is for a lot of nadas) it still wouldn't be your fault. It would be

her choice.

If I were you I would sit down with the T and discuss your concerns.

She may just have worded things in a way that gave an impression she

didn't mean to give. Then if you aren't satisfied with the response,

seek out a T with more experience with bpd. T's are human. The T who

helped me tremendously with PTSD went through a personal crisis as I

was ending therapy and did a lot of things she shouldn't have. Our

parting was a very painful experience for me because she terminated

therapy by lying to me. I will always be grateful for everything she

did for me, but my one regret is that I didn't listen to my gut when I

started wondering about some of her advice. I wish I had confronted

her, and maybe even ended therapy at that point. I just didn't trust

myself enough at that point to listen to my instincts. I found out

later that two friends I referred to her had big issues too at the same

time.

Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding, but if it isn't, don't

discount that little voice in your head that is questioning things. If

you really listen to it, you may be surprised at where it takes you,

and how on target it is.

Fresabird

> Well, as I said previously, I did not send my long confrontational

> letter to my mother, because my therapist advised that she could not

> take the information and might wind up in the hospital.

>

> Instead, I sent a shorter letter stating that I had gotten in

> trouble at work for getting too many personal calls on my line and

> could be fired if she kept calling. The therapist thought this

> might help me calm down some if I could get the phone thing under

> control.

>

> I had been doing my best not to answer my mother's calls, but she

> rang the phone off the hook and I was starting to get really upset

> just from hearing it ring. I can't unplug the phone at work, but I

> can unplug the home phone.

>

> Now, I am worrying that just the short letter I did send might send

> her flying to the ER. My father called me last night and told me

> something I never knew before. A few years ago when my mother

> collapsed at home and I had to call 911 and an ambulance came and

> took her to the ER, and then the doctors said she was fine and there

> was nothing wrong, well I didn't know this, but apparently she and

> my grandmother then told my sister in law that she had " caused a

> hear attack. " I knew my sister in law didn't like to be around her,

> but I didn't know they'd actually accused her of causing a heart

> attack (which turned out to be a fake heart attack anyway).

>

> But then I started getting upset, because the therapist kind of put