Re:Aspie Spouse

[Guest guest]

Although I have diagnosed my husband as an Aspie about 18 months ago, I had just used some limited internet infor and not persued much until he seemed to "accept" the diagnosis. Iit has only been in the last 2 weeks or so we have done any reading about AS. Having finished Atwood's book, and identifying with about 99.5% of all the emotions that the spouse goes thru, I was wondering if any other spouses of the AS have developed what I'll call the "secondary Asberger's symptoms". I find myself, now, feeling almost repulsed by crowds in malls, eatting the same foods over and over, and only really speaking "facts" in my relationship with my husband. It is almost as if after 21 years of marriage, I am beginning to act like he does in some ways. I am just now realizing this and it almost frightens me! At work, I still function as I always have, I believe, but it is when I get home, I almost act like he does.

I think this started as just being easier to "do it his way" and let there be less tension in things I didn't think were that important. Am I losing who I am in this relationship or is that just being married for so long or is this what happens when you are married to an aspie?

In the other discussion line about essential oils, my aspie HATES smells. Cooking foods (he'll tolerate baking bread and baking cookies, but Thanksgiving has tradionally be hard) esp buttery popcorn, really are difficult for him to tolerate. He does like eucalyptus, which is only so-so for me, and I am excited to try other "earth-tone" essential oils to see if he will find these peasant or not.

Thanks, for the insights,

Pat

[Guest guest]

Another consideration here-- which comes first? chicken or egg?

In my case, I could've qualified as an aspergated NT until I found out that I

was actually AS since childhood!

So, perhaps some of the spouses have chosen AS partners because they ARE AS,

just don't know it yet, and they felt that " old black magic " of familiarity!

LOL!

Anyway, just thought this might be an interesting take on the question. I don't

doubt that others (NT) could take on some traits.

The difference? Look at your HISTORY and childhood behaviors.

Once I got there, my asperger's behaviors were abundantly evident in my young

childhood years. Thus, voila! I am an AS, for sure!

Either way, it's no picnic and no easy road to hoe.. (alright, I've shown enough

of my metaphoric prowess for one post! LOL!)

Sharon/enkerem77

AS wife of AS hubby/20 yrs...3 boys, also AS.

Divorcing him--he's also dealing with a personality disorder. I am waving the

white flag and decided to save myself from drowning ;-)

>

>

> << Having finished Atwood's book, and identifying with about 99.5% of

> all the emotions that the spouse goes thru, I was wondering if any other

> spouses of the AS have developed what I'll call the " secondary

> Asberger's symptoms " . >>

>

> NT spouses have a term for this phenomenon, " Aspergated " . As in, " I've

> been Aspergated. "

>

> I'm not saying that it's kind or nice, just that it's common in those

> circles.

>

>

> << I think this started as just being easier to " do it his way " and let

> there be less tension in things I didn't think were that important. Am

> I losing who I am in this relationship or is that just being married for

> so long or is this what happens when you are married to an aspie? >>

>

> Whether ASD is involved (or not), long-term couples often take on

> characteristics of each other. Some of it is motivated by practical

> concerns. Other times it's a way to maintain domestic harmony.

>

>

> Best,

> ~CJ

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sharon,

I agree. Sometimes on this board, as well as in real life, I've observed that

the spouse has many of the markers of AS themselves.

What is regrettable is that sometimes, and I stress sometimes as in a *rare*

sometimes, there are AS-in-denial folks who are real Aspie haters. They

pathologize our condition, spew venom towards us on this list, and reduce every

characteristic we have, good or bad, to a mere automation, a learned response,

as if we were sub human, and in need of a " cure. "

It is said that what you dislike in others is often what you dislike about

yourself. Obviously that doesn't apply in every situation; there are some truly

bad people out there. But it is true that sometimes the very people that " rub

you the wrong way " remind you of parts of yourself you don't like.

Of course, these AS-in-denial folks tend to have a *lot* of other issues, it's

not just the fact that they are clearly AS. Unfortunately, their AS is the

complicating factor in being able to access appropriate help, as they lack the

theory of mind to realize that their thinking is *not* the definitive reality.

Also regrettably, these same types are the ones who get thrown off lists like

this, or, thankfully, leave the group of their own volition.

Back to Aspergated NT's .. another possibility is that the NT spouse has grown

up surrounded by AS, either one or both parents is AS, has AS siblings, and AS

extended family. The Aspergated NT may well have a touch of AS themselves, but

still firmly on the NT side of the spectrum. And while not necessarily

possessing those traits themselves, the Aspergated NT is tolerant and

understanding of them. Those folks tend to become Aspie magnets in adulthood,

because they are used to accommodating all the idiosyncrasies of AS, and will

tolerate and accommodate to it in the name of love, where a potential non

Aspergated mate may not understand, or put up with it.

Where the pain comes, is, after many years of making an emotional investment in

this relationship, and having children, of which at least one will be more high

maintenance, thus requiring they forgo a work career or personal life, is then

finding that the emotional investment, the accommodations, did not run both

ways, their needs have not been met, their tolerance, generosity and expressions

of love have not been reciprocated. They have spent a decade, or two, or more,

fully absorbing the meaning of " abandonment " until finally, the irrevocable

mental " survival " process, ultimately leading to divorce, kicks in.

An NT spouse would probably put up with all sorts of quirks as long as it was a

two way street! If the family's physical and emotional needs are met, and the NT

spouse's needs are met, and the family unit is " functional " and healthy, as

opposed to dysfunctional, well that's a recipe for a stable and probably happy

and forward moving family. And this, I suspect, is the case for the majority in

" our " community. Now, we never hear from those folks, as in all likelihood, they

have no idea there may be AS in the family, or if they do, it's like, " oh,

that's interesting. "

Although obviously the degree of autism in the individual is a significant

factor, so is having a healthy family of origin, and a healthy community.

Functionality in adulthood has much to do with what is modeled in childhood

(though yes, degree of autism is a factor, too.) But go to any autism website,

and the " statistics " seem bleak. In my opinion, and I've held this opinion for

many years, there are way more happy functional Aspies than not, but they don't

come to groups like this, or seek services, because they aren't looking for

advice :-)

- Helen (55, self-dx'd AS, dx'd ADD)

>

> Another consideration here-- which comes first? chicken or egg?

>

> In my case, I could've qualified as an aspergated NT until I found out that I

was actually AS since childhood!

>

> So, perhaps some of the spouses have chosen AS partners because they ARE AS,

just don't know it yet, and they felt that " old black magic " of familiarity!

LOL!

>

> Anyway, just thought this might be an interesting take on the question. I

don't doubt that others (NT) could take on some traits.

>

> The difference? Look at your HISTORY and childhood behaviors.

>

> Once I got there, my asperger's behaviors were abundantly evident in my young

childhood years. Thus, voila! I am an AS, for sure!

>

> Either way, it's no picnic and no easy road to hoe.. (alright, I've shown

enough of my metaphoric prowess for one post! LOL!)

>

[Guest guest]

That is true, and I think more so today with very mobile and insular family

units. Families are more frequently separated from their " home " communities due

to career/work/education. What " works " in one community, where the family has

routines, connections in the community, family support, and people who were used

to them (may have grown up with them) may come up sorely wanting when they are

uprooted. That is when the stress of change/lack of support may expose hidden

challenges. Of course it can do that in an NT family too, but more so when there

is AS in the family. For example, the non AS spouse may find that they have to

switch vocations or leave their job due to the increased needs and stresses of

one or more AS family members, and switch to more of a caregiver/advocate role

to make up for the shortfall in community and family support.

- Helen

>

> Well said! And sometimes you hear from them - because it's hard to keep

> that family unit functional and healthy.

>

>

>

> Hadassah Lynn

>

> An NT spouse with an Aspie parent, hubbie & teen-age daughter

>

> _____

>

> An NT spouse would probably put up with all sorts of quirks as long as it

> was a two way street! If the family's physical and emotional needs are met,

> and the NT spouse's needs are met, and the family unit is " functional " and

> healthy, as opposed to dysfunctional, well that's a recipe for a stable and

> probably happy and forward moving family. And this, I suspect, is the case

> for the majority in " our " community. Now, we never hear from those folks, as

> in all likelihood, they have no idea there may be AS in the family, or if

> they do, it's like, " oh, that's interesting. "

>