Re: Curses, foiled again

[Guest guest]

OH my that sounds TOO familiar. If I dont answer Nada's call she will leave a

panicked message about how she wonders if everythign is ok, or else she will say

something about how she isnt sure her phone is working or mine is

working....blah blah. Kind of funny. Other people would get a clue and think

'wow they arent answering my calls'. Most recently I have found that nada is

changing the messages she leaves so that I will return her calls. She will

leave messages saying the exact opposite like 'just calling to see how you are'

and then when I call her back she has some agenda that crosses every boundary

ever made. Annoying! Funny thing is, your subject line is so what I feel like!

" Foiled again! " Do you think they consciously think 'if I call from this urgent

care line they will answer for sure', or do you think they do it without

thinking?

One of the best pieces of advice I received recently from the boards is that I

dont HAVE to answer whether she expects it or not. I always feel guilty and

like a horrible daughter for not jumping to her beck and call. You have a life,

and CAN be busy no matter what time she calls, or where. That is just life!

BUtifulGrace

Neva wrote:

My mother has been trying to call me all morning at my work and I

haven't been answering. Then a number came up on the caller id

as " Cardiac Urgent Care " and the first three digits indicated it was

in the town where my boss lives (and he hasn't called in today). So I

picked it up and it was my mother. She was just " picking up a

prescription " and thought maybe her cell phone wasn't working so asked

to borrow their phone!

Aaarrrrggghhh. She can't know my boss lives there, but I'm sure she

was hoping I'd pick up thinking someone was in urgent care.

She couldn't talk long but apparently wanted to make sure I was at

work today since I didn't pick up here or at home. Then she says

she's going to call later, now that she knows I'm here.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

That is so hard! It's not like you can screen your calls at work.

Well, I guess you can if you are willing to call everyone back and

chase them down again. At home, I don't pick up the phone anymore

for anyone until I hear the voice on the message machine and know

who it really is. My nada will use the cell phones of other family

members because she knows people won't pick up if it's her.

Good luck screening your calls. That sounds obnoxious.

Trish

>

> My mother has been trying to call me all morning at my work and I

> haven't been answering. Then a number came up on the caller id

> as " Cardiac Urgent Care " and the first three digits indicated it

was

> in the town where my boss lives (and he hasn't called in today).

So I

> picked it up and it was my mother. She was just " picking up a

> prescription " and thought maybe her cell phone wasn't working so

asked

> to borrow their phone!

>

> Aaarrrrggghhh. She can't know my boss lives there, but I'm sure

she

> was hoping I'd pick up thinking someone was in urgent care.

>

> She couldn't talk long but apparently wanted to make sure I was at

> work today since I didn't pick up here or at home. Then she says

> she's going to call later, now that she knows I'm here.

>

[Guest guest]

Well, according to the book " Walking..... " you have to reassure her that you

have not abandoned her. Then, I guess, you have to let her know in no uncertain

terms that you cannot take personal phone calls at work or you can lose your

job. If that isn't true and she knows it, say there has been a crackdown and

the rules have changed.

From my own experience, it is not a good idea to let someone become a tyrant

over time. That's what my brother's and I did because we did not set rules.

Best of luck.

Curses, foiled again

My mother has been trying to call me all morning at my work and I

haven't been answering. Then a number came up on the caller id

as " Cardiac Urgent Care " and the first three digits indicated it was

in the town where my boss lives (and he hasn't called in today). So I

picked it up and it was my mother. She was just " picking up a

prescription " and thought maybe her cell phone wasn't working so asked

to borrow their phone!

Aaarrrrggghhh. She can't know my boss lives there, but I'm sure she

was hoping I'd pick up thinking someone was in urgent care.

She couldn't talk long but apparently wanted to make sure I was at

work today since I didn't pick up here or at home. Then she says

she's going to call later, now that she knows I'm here.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

>

> Well, according to the book " Walking..... " you have to reassure

her that you have not abandoned her. Then, I guess, you have to let

her know in no uncertain terms that you cannot take personal phone

calls at work or you can lose your job. If that isn't true and she

knows it, say there has been a crackdown and the rules have changed.

>

That is what my husband is suggesting--telling her I got in trouble

at work over personal phone calls.

The trouble is that I AM abandoning her. I am planning on sending

her a letter soon saying that I can no longer stand by silently

while she continues to psychologically torture my sister. My sister

has stopped speaking to her, and after a long discussion with my

sister, I've decided to stand in solidarity with her. Since my

sister stopped speaking to her, over some very good reasons, our

mother has been stalking and harassing my sister.

Furthermore, it has gotten back to me through other people that

despite calling me non-stop my mother is still telling all kinds of

people that she believes I stole gold jewelry from her. I didn't

steal it and if the jewelry truly is missing, not just misplaced or

something, then I can only assume that it was taken by one of the

cleaning people she has had in her house, or one of the workmen she

hired to re-tile the bathroom, or something like that. More likely

she hid the jewelry when she hired workmen and now can't remember

what she did with it.

So, if she is torturing my sister and her opinion of me is that I'm

a dishonest thief, well, it's time for me to break free.

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

You have every right to end contact with nada and I highly doubt

that she would respect any boundaries you try and set. My nada got

worse if she thought I was beginning to realize that maybe I had a

right to my own life, then she pulled out all the stops, trying

anything to keep me stuck in her world of chaos and misery.

Despite sounding like a broken record, I do not care much for the

book " SWOE " because it seems like the advise is geared towards

trying to soothe and understand the borderline when in fact in many

cases that is impossible!

Many of them don't want to get better, they want to use people upon

whom to dump all their ugliness and negative self projections and

many, maybe most of them, never truly change and that means a life

sentence for those who stay. No thanks! And even if they wanted to

get better they seem incapable of the very quality that would ensure

it; the ability to be honest about their behavior and its effect on

others.

It is not our responsibility to sacrifice our lives for our screwed

up parents'life. It simply isn't. The circle needs to be broken in

dysfunctional families. I chose not to perpetuate such abuse and

sickness. That is not what I wanted my life to be about, assuming

and continuing the family tradition of mental and emotional

retardation.

And I know I made the right decision because my life is my own now.

I have had a lot of sh*t to work through but with each day I am

moving away from the darkness and into the light. Nada's world was

all dark, with no end in sight.

To thine own self be true.

> >

> > Well, according to the book " Walking..... " you have to reassure

> her that you have not abandoned her. Then, I guess, you have to

let

> her know in no uncertain terms that you cannot take personal phone

> calls at work or you can lose your job. If that isn't true and

she

> knows it, say there has been a crackdown and the rules have

changed.

> >

> That is what my husband is suggesting--telling her I got in

trouble

> at work over personal phone calls.

>

> The trouble is that I AM abandoning her. I am planning on sending

> her a letter soon saying that I can no longer stand by silently

> while she continues to psychologically torture my sister. My

sister

> has stopped speaking to her, and after a long discussion with my

> sister, I've decided to stand in solidarity with her. Since my

> sister stopped speaking to her, over some very good reasons, our

> mother has been stalking and harassing my sister.

>

> Furthermore, it has gotten back to me through other people that

> despite calling me non-stop my mother is still telling all kinds

of

> people that she believes I stole gold jewelry from her. I didn't

> steal it and if the jewelry truly is missing, not just misplaced

or

> something, then I can only assume that it was taken by one of the

> cleaning people she has had in her house, or one of the workmen

she

> hired to re-tile the bathroom, or something like that. More

likely

> she hid the jewelry when she hired workmen and now can't remember

> what she did with it.

>

> So, if she is torturing my sister and her opinion of me is that

I'm

> a dishonest thief, well, it's time for me to break free.

>

[Guest guest]

If my brother's and I had stuck together when we were young I really believe we

could have stopped a lot of Nada behaviors, but we were never in the same place

in our knowledge of what was going on. As time has gone by, she has modified a

lot of behavior, so it can be done. Personally, I think you and your sister

should stick together and it is so good that you can believe in and support each

other. It seems to me sometimes that Nada wants her children to be like her and

will put them through all kinds of twisted manipulations to get them there.

Rather than saying that you are abandoning your Nada (could somebody tell me why

people use the word Nada, it seems awkward to me), if you are an adult, why

should that be an issue? You are at that time in your life when you must, have

to, want to, need to find your own direction and career in your life. In normal

families it would be expected that once you are through school and are married,

and especially if you have children, that you, your husband's and children's

life is paramount. There is such happiness in tending to your own life, and

such misery in trying to control others.

Parents also need to break with grown children to find their place in life as

empty nesters, if they will. It is a two-way street and you can emphasize that

aspect. When the parents become older and need care you may need to

renegotiate this. Are BP's the only people who think they own their children

the rest of their lives?

Re your sister: There is a line in the " Walking.... " book that asks what you

would do if it were a stranger. I remember saying to mom when I found out she

had threatened my youngest that if it had been anyone but her I would have

called the sheriff. Looking back, I should have. It seems incredible to do

this to a parent, but where is the line when the parent thinks they can do

anything to the children?

Re: Curses, foiled again

>

> Well, according to the book " Walking..... " you have to reassure

her that you have not abandoned her. Then, I guess, you have to let

her know in no uncertain terms that you cannot take personal phone

calls at work or you can lose your job. If that isn't true and she

knows it, say there has been a crackdown and the rules have changed.

>

That is what my husband is suggesting--telling her I got in trouble

at work over personal phone calls.

The trouble is that I AM abandoning her. I am planning on sending

her a letter soon saying that I can no longer stand by silently

while she continues to psychologically torture my sister. My sister

has stopped speaking to her, and after a long discussion with my

sister, I've decided to stand in solidarity with her. Since my

sister stopped speaking to her, over some very good reasons, our

mother has been stalking and harassing my sister.

Furthermore, it has gotten back to me through other people that

despite calling me non-stop my mother is still telling all kinds of

people that she believes I stole gold jewelry from her. I didn't

steal it and if the jewelry truly is missing, not just misplaced or

something, then I can only assume that it was taken by one of the

cleaning people she has had in her house, or one of the workmen she

hired to re-tile the bathroom, or something like that. More likely

she hid the jewelry when she hired workmen and now can't remember

what she did with it.

So, if she is torturing my sister and her opinion of me is that I'm

a dishonest thief, well, it's time for me to break free.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

p.s. If she does not have any proof you took the jewelry, a court of law would

consider that libel.

I have gotten so hard-hearted.

Re: Curses, foiled again

>

> Well, according to the book " Walking..... " you have to reassure

her that you have not abandoned her. Then, I guess, you have to let

her know in no uncertain terms that you cannot take personal phone

calls at work or you can lose your job. If that isn't true and she

knows it, say there has been a crackdown and the rules have changed.

>

That is what my husband is suggesting--telling her I got in trouble

at work over personal phone calls.

The trouble is that I AM abandoning her. I am planning on sending

her a letter soon saying that I can no longer stand by silently

while she continues to psychologically torture my sister. My sister

has stopped speaking to her, and after a long discussion with my

sister, I've decided to stand in solidarity with her. Since my

sister stopped speaking to her, over some very good reasons, our

mother has been stalking and harassing my sister.

Furthermore, it has gotten back to me through other people that

despite calling me non-stop my mother is still telling all kinds of

people that she believes I stole gold jewelry from her. I didn't

steal it and if the jewelry truly is missing, not just misplaced or

something, then I can only assume that it was taken by one of the

cleaning people she has had in her house, or one of the workmen she

hired to re-tile the bathroom, or something like that. More likely

she hid the jewelry when she hired workmen and now can't remember

what she did with it.

So, if she is torturing my sister and her opinion of me is that I'm

a dishonest thief, well, it's time for me to break free.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

>

> p.s. If she does not have any proof you took the jewelry, a court

of law would consider that libel.

>

> I have gotten so hard-hearted.

Yes, it's true. She thinks I took the jewelry because when I was a

child I broke some old plastic costume jewelry she had allowed me to

play with and rather than tell her and face the rage, I hid the broken

necklace in my drawer. She went snooping and found it and accused me

of stealing from her. From that day forward I was a thief. Once a

thief always a thief I guess.

I'm sad because I hate to think of all the old family friends who

think I'm a crazy, slutty, thief.

[Guest guest]

>

> If my brother's and I had stuck together when we were young

>I really believe we could have stopped a lot of Nada behaviors,

>but we were never in the same place in our knowledge of what

>was going on.

Too true. My brother I think was far more aware than I was that our

mother was not ok, but he played her against me by constantly making

up bad things I'd done (like lying to say I'd said a dirty word, I

was listening to the wrong type of music on the radio, I was walking

in a slutty manner) to get me in trouble with her. It turns out I

guess he was doing it to give her someone else to rage at and keep

him out of the fray. My sister was always the good one until very

recently. Now it's like her eyes have opened up and we're

completely on the same page.

My brother agrees that she's disturbed, but he's not too concerned

with solidarity. He just wants to stay away from her.

[Guest guest]

" I'm sad because I hate to think of all the old family friends who

think I'm a crazy, slutty, thief. "

They may be more aware than you know of the truth. Although others aren't in on

it like family is, they've usually had one played on them and have got a story

too but just don't talk about it for fear of interfering in family stuff.

The problem to the above is when you don't see the BP often you start to forget

the underhanded and devious ways their brain operates and so do others (until

you get sideswiped again).

In the small town nada lives in my brother and I feel we can't go to the local

family pub because she has bad-mouthed us so bad. No one knows who we really

are, not even my children.

The more I write the more it seems the answer is to get away from Nada. The

stuff is going to go on whether you are there or not and there is just no point

in knowing about it. If she has no information about you she will lie and make

up stories.

I am overwhelmed by all the advice in " Walking.... " . Do we have to appease

Nada's abandonment in order to defuse her so that we can go home again and not

run into all the distortions about us.

Re: Curses, foiled again

>

> p.s. If she does not have any proof you took the jewelry, a court

of law would consider that libel.

>

> I have gotten so hard-hearted.

Yes, it's true. She thinks I took the jewelry because when I was a

child I broke some old plastic costume jewelry she had allowed me to

play with and rather than tell her and face the rage, I hid the broken

necklace in my drawer. She went snooping and found it and accused me

of stealing from her. From that day forward I was a thief. Once a

thief always a thief I guess.

I'm sad because I hate to think of all the old family friends who

think I'm a crazy, slutty, thief.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Mine plays Divide and Rule. It's the first game babies play with their parents

and it has been her main game all of her life. All of us have gone through

innumerable periods of not speaking to each other because of the stories she

tells each of us about the other. What has held us together are the common

memories and the bonds we developed as children.

Is your brother older? One of mine was two years older. He was very jealous of

me, not an unusual thing, but nada was a child and joined him. They stuck

together and between the two of them I was verbally abused and harassed. My

younger brother was talented, good-looking, smart, popular and I found out after

high school that he thought he was retarded. I think the expression on my face

cured him of that nonsense. The older brother was her favorite and he is the

most damaged. I feel great loyalty to both brothers because I can never forget

the scenes of my childhood and what we endured.

I'm getting in too deep here. I have to quit writing for awhile. Sorry

Re: Curses, foiled again

>

> If my brother's and I had stuck together when we were young

>I really believe we could have stopped a lot of Nada behaviors,

>but we were never in the same place in our knowledge of what

>was going on.

Too true. My brother I think was far more aware than I was that our

mother was not ok, but he played her against me by constantly making

up bad things I'd done (like lying to say I'd said a dirty word, I

was listening to the wrong type of music on the radio, I was walking

in a slutty manner) to get me in trouble with her. It turns out I

guess he was doing it to give her someone else to rage at and keep

him out of the fray. My sister was always the good one until very

recently. Now it's like her eyes have opened up and we're

completely on the same page.

My brother agrees that she's disturbed, but he's not too concerned

with solidarity. He just wants to stay away from her.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

>> I'm getting in too deep here. I have to quit writing for awhile.

Sorry

>

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really stirring up the waters here!! I did my

venting and now I'm feeling a tad more sane.

[Guest guest]

I'm taking a Josh Grobin CD tea break before doing some vacuuming. I'm glad you

are feeling better. I'm assuming that's what this is for. You didn't stir

things up in me, I did. One of the spin-offs of BPD and PSTD and KO and NADA.

I haven't read for enough yet. BTW, what is KO? Is it related to boxing?

Well, let's not go there either.

It's been good talking to you. Kathleen

Re: Curses, foiled again

>> I'm getting in too deep here. I have to quit writing for awhile.

Sorry

>

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really stirring up the waters here!! I did my

venting and now I'm feeling a tad more sane.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Kathleen, I don't think that you have to appease anyone. Once, I

was telling my therapist about a time when I'd been enforcing

boundaries with nada, but had inadvertantly triggered major

abandonment issues--which meant some serious raging. I told him

that I thought I could have done a better job and that maybe if I

had, nada wouldn't have flipped. He said that wasn't necessarily

true. So, I guess my point is, I try to have sympathy for my nada's

abandonment issues, but I have to live my life and there's not

always something I can do to help her and still take care of

myself.

Trish

> >

> > p.s. If she does not have any proof you took the jewelry, a

court

> of law would consider that libel.

> >

> > I have gotten so hard-hearted.

>

> Yes, it's true. She thinks I took the jewelry because when I

was a

> child I broke some old plastic costume jewelry she had allowed

me to

> play with and rather than tell her and face the rage, I hid the

broken

> necklace in my drawer. She went snooping and found it and

accused me

> of stealing from her. From that day forward I was a thief.

Once a

> thief always a thief I guess.

>

> I'm sad because I hate to think of all the old family friends

who

> think I'm a crazy, slutty, thief.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. Did you have to get time and distance between you in order to take

care of yourself or were you able to do it with a therapists help?

Re: Curses, foiled again

Kathleen, I don't think that you have to appease anyone. Once, I

was telling my therapist about a time when I'd been enforcing

boundaries with nada, but had inadvertantly triggered major

abandonment issues--which meant some serious raging. I told him

that I thought I could have done a better job and that maybe if I

had, nada wouldn't have flipped. He said that wasn't necessarily

true. So, I guess my point is, I try to have sympathy for my nada's

abandonment issues, but I have to live my life and there's not

always something I can do to help her and still take care of

myself.

Trish

> >

> > p.s. If she does not have any proof you took the jewelry, a

court

> of law would consider that libel.

> >

> > I have gotten so hard-hearted.

>

> Yes, it's true. She thinks I took the jewelry because when I

was a

> child I broke some old plastic costume jewelry she had allowed

me to

> play with and rather than tell her and face the rage, I hid the

broken

> necklace in my drawer. She went snooping and found it and

accused me

> of stealing from her. From that day forward I was a thief.

Once a

> thief always a thief I guess.

>

> I'm sad because I hate to think of all the old family friends

who

> think I'm a crazy, slutty, thief.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>I haven't read for enough yet. BTW, what is KO? Is it related to

boxing? Well, let's not go there either.

KO stands for Kid Of (BPD Parent) There are a whole list of

abbreviations used on this site. Here they are: Dee

> Hi all,

> Below is a list of abbreviationas and acronyms often

> found on these

> lists and in the BPD literature. If you have any

> additions or

> suggestions, please forward them to me at

> @...

>

> ABBREVIATIONS: The WTO lists have abbreviations and

> their own

> vernacular. Words commonly used include:

>

> BP: person in your life who has BPD or whom YOU

> THINK has BPD

> traits.

> BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder.

> BPSO: BP Significant Other. XBPSO=Ex BPSO (this

> has many

> variations)including uBPSO (undiagnosed BPSO).

> DBT: Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, a

> cognitive-behavioral

> therapy that has been successful in the treatment of

> BPD. Also

> see 'Therapies' at www.BPDCentral.com website.

> DEAR: Communication technique used to set

> limits and ask for

> things. See at www.BPDCentral.com (<press>

> 'Library').

> Defense Mechanisms: projection, denial,

> splitting, and

> rationalization.

> Distortion campaign: a deliberate attempt by

> someone to smear

> your name because they have split you as all bad.

> They feel

> justified and may tell lies or truly believe their

> distortions. May

> or may not involve the law.

> DSM-IV: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual,

> edition 4, published

> by the American Psychiatric Association. Used for

> diagnostic and

> insurance purposes.

> Fada: Used by some of the NonBP adult children

> of BPs on the

> Oasis lists to refer to their BP father who was

> not-a-father in the

> true sense of the word.

> Fleas: Unhealthy behavioral responses learned

> while living with

> a BP.

> FOG: Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which make you

> susceptible to

> emotional blackmail.

> FOO: Family Of Origin (includes one's original

> mother, father,

> and siblings).

> Hovered: after the vacuum cleaner, to be sucked

> back into the

> relationship for another ride on the BPD roller

> coaster.

> Intermittent reinforcement: when good outcomes

> happen on an

> unpredictable schedule, thereby reinforcing (i.e.,

> rewarding)

> behavior. Examples: when the BP sometimes acts

> 'normal', when you

> sometimes don't observe limits (this is rewarding to

> the BP).

> KO: Kid Of [a BP].

> L & L: The booklet titled " Love and Loathing " .

> Light Bulb Effect: the realization that you're

> not crazy and

> BPD may explain the other person's behavior.

> LOL: Laughing Out Loud.

> Mirroring: Not absorbing the BP's projections

> and reflecting

> them back to the BP.

> Nada: Used by some of the NonBP adult offspring

> of BPDs on the

> 'Oasis' lists to refer to their BP mother who was

> not-a-mother in the

> true sense of the word.

> NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

> NonBP: Person who is affected by someone else's

> BPD -- e.g.,

> you and your family.

> OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

> OZ: the " Twilight Zone " feeling of not knowing

> what is real

> because of the BP's distortions.

> PAS: Parental Alienation Syndrome: When a

> parent deliberately

> and repeatedly makes the other parent the " bad guy "

> and the child

> believes the accusations (such as " Daddy doesn't

> love you. " ). A form

> of child abuse.

> Projection: When a person denies certain

> feelings by

> attributing them to someone else.

> PUVAS and DEAR: Communication techniques you

> can download at the

> www.BPDCentral.com library. DEAR is about setting

> personal limits

> and PUVAS is about ONE of the communication

> techniques you can use to

> communicate with BPs. Other techniques in SWOE are

> defusing and

> walking away.

> Rationalization: Good-sounding reasons but not

> necessarily

> truthful.

> ROFLOL: Rolling on the floor laughing out loud.

> SO: Significant Other.

> Splitting: Black and white thinking, practiced

> by both Nons

> and BPs.

> Sponging: Absorbing the BP's projections and

> bad feelings.

> (See " mirroring " )

> STB-ex: Soon-to-be ex [husband, wife, or SO]

> SWOE: The book " Stop Walking on Eggshells. "

> SWOEW: The workbook to SWOE.

> T: Therapist.

> Trigger: Something that takes a person back to

> an earlier

> trauma. They respond to the current situation and

> also relive

> the past one. For example, a BP's criticism about

> your clothes

> triggers you because your father did the same thing.

> UBM: Book titled " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother "

> by Ann Lawson (2000).

>

> Thanks,

> R.

> List Manager

>

>

>

>

>

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