AS or just jerky behavior

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone!

Its been a long time since I posted last. Life has been a bit crazy to say the

least. I have a question that I would like your opinions on. I don't know if

this is AS behavior or just jerkiness as I'm still learning about AS.

I finally told my AS husband that I'm angry, feel powerless and really hurt by

our 12 years of marriage. As a back drop I got massively sick over all this.

That was my way of dealing with things and not his fault. A choice I made as a

coping mechanize (sp). I also told him that I think he has AS and explained why.

So he was upset after I told him and went to work out. The next day he's like

nothing happened. In fact, I came home to a cooked dinner - the same thing he

always cooks by the way. And even some baked chicken for the next day. He's been

real friendly and talkitive and the like. I told yesterday I have to get so ill

or mentally unstable before I get any reaction or support from him. In short

this is what he always does. Like a kid in trouble tryin to get on Mommy's good

side again. This is part of the crazy making and roller coaster that I can't

take any more. As I drove to work I was a bit sucidal to be honest. I just feel

so powerless to change things and it speaks to my old tape that my feelings and

sufferings are not valid or important. I know that's not a way out and doesn't

fix anything so I'm not about to act on it seriously so don't worry; it was just

a passing thought that I quickly saw and rejected. I'm seriously considerly

leaving as my health is not worth it and our combonation of " issues " really is

not healthy, productive, desirable or just plain living.

So my question is, what is this AS or just very poor relational skills? Does

anyone deal with this type of roller coaster ride and you know the person has or

strongly feel AS is living in the house with you. I think its AS cause it takes

me at the end of my living rope for a reaction. Kinda simular to the tread about

being overly mad to calm things down. Is this what you were talking about?

Thanks for your insights, I can't wait to read them!!

C

[Guest guest]

I am going to make a recommendation here that may provide you some insights that should help you in making your decision as to whether to stay and try to work things out or run for the hills. There is a thread in the archives here that you should search for and then check out the postings on the thread. The thread is called "how to fight with your Aspie spouse", or something along those lines. It provides insights from both sides, the Aspie side and the NT side. It should clarify some of his behaviors, and also provide some pointers in dealing effectively with the Aspie mind. Good luck...and let us know how things are going! ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Thu, 05 Aug 2010 13:01:11 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: AS or just jerky behavior Hello everyone!Its been a long time since I posted last. Life has been a bit crazy to say the least. I have a question that I would like your opinions on. I don't know if this is AS behavior or just jerkiness as I'm still learning about AS.I finally told my AS husband that I'm angry, feel powerless and really hurt by our 12 years of marriage. As a back drop I got massively sick over all this. That was my way of dealing with things and not his fault. A choice I made as a coping mechanize (sp). I also told him that I think he has AS and explained why.So he was upset after I told him and went to work out. The next day he's like nothing happened. In fact, I came home to a cooked dinner - the same thing he always cooks by the way. And even some baked chicken for the next day. He's been real friendly and talkitive and the like. I told yesterday I have to get so ill or mentally unstable before I get any reaction or support from him. In short this is what he always does. Like a kid in trouble tryin to get on Mommy's good side again. This is part of the crazy making and roller coaster that I can't take any more. As I drove to work I was a bit sucidal to be honest. I just feel so powerless to change things and it speaks to my old tape that my feelings and sufferings are not valid or important. I know that's not a way out and doesn't fix anything so I'm not about to act on it seriously so don't worry; it was just a passing thought that I quickly saw and rejected. I'm seriously considerly leaving as my health is not worth it and ourcombonation of " issues " really is not healthy, productive, desirable or just plain living.So my question is, what is this AS or just very poor relational skills? Does anyone deal with this type of roller coaster ride and you know the person has or strongly feel AS is living in the house with you. I think its AS cause it takes me at the end of my living rope for a reaction. Kinda simular to the tread about being overly mad to calm things down. Is this what you were talking about?Thanks for your insights, I can't wait to read them!!C

[Guest guest]

>

> So my question is, what is this AS or just very poor relational skills? Does

anyone deal with this type of roller coaster ride and you know the person has or

strongly feel AS is living in the house with you. I think its AS cause it takes

me at the end of my living rope for a reaction. Kinda simular to the tread about

being overly mad to calm things down. Is this what you were talking about?

It could be poor relationship skills due to Aspergers.

AS does not automatically mean a person has poor skills ... what it means is

that the Aspie has to consciously learn social skills. My daughter is learning

those skills through both parenting and her IEP program at school, I learned

them through self-study (and I mean *study*, like you might teach yourself

French through a home study course), but some Aspies never have the opportunity

or desire to learn. My Aspie husband picked up some skills on his own (it helps

to have a very high IQ, which he does), but still has some very weak spots.

, it is possible for your husband to learn to relate better to you, to learn

how you would like him to communicate with you -- but it isn't easy. First, he

has to *want* to change, which means he needs to agree that he has some

weaknesses. Then he has to do his homework -- read books on marital

communication (Deborah Tanen has some great ones), and practice. This could take

several years, or more. And you have to be supportive, acknowledging when he

gets it right, and being patient when he slips. It's like when someone has a

stroke, and has to learn to walk all over again.

Unfortunately, many Aspies who don't see the trouble won't go through the

effort, or even see the need to do so.

--Liz

------------

The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/

SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at

http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*

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[Guest guest]

Liz Cademy wrote:

> AS does not automatically mean a person has poor skills ... what it means is

that the Aspie has to consciously learn social skills. My daughter is learning

those skills through both parenting and her IEP program at school, I learned

them through self-study (and I mean *study*, like you might teach yourself

French through a home study course), but some Aspies never have the opportunity

or desire to learn. My Aspie husband picked up some skills on his own (it helps

to have a very high IQ, which he does), but still has some very weak spots. >>

Wow, when you put it like that....

My husband, I've come to believe, has Asperger's. He can be social when he wants

to or needs to (I believe it's because he knows what " social " looks like), but

it drains him and he vastly prefers to be alone. My daughter and I, on the other

hand, show a few of the traits but not others. For one thing, we're both highly

(hyper?) sensitive and empathetic. But though we need our social time, we're

both introverts at heart.

All three of us have this in common: All our lives, we've felt as if we were on

the outside looking in, that there is something other people instinctively

understand that we're missing. And because of this, we all have had various

degrees of trouble navigating the social world. This has caused (and continues

to cause) my daughter and I a lot of pain. (My husband, on the other hand, isn't

bothered by it.)

I've told people (and it's true) that I had to teach myself to hug folks and

that I had to teach myself small talk. (I did the latter by hanging out in

on-line chats and consciously practicing.) I've always assumed it was because of

my upbringing -- and I'm sure that does figure into it. And while our daughter

couldn't read people at all when she was younger (which caused *a lot* of

problems), she's fought her way past it and now can. She and I are both short

close friends, however, and don't " get " how to change that, and so feel largely

isolated.

Hmmm...more food for thought.

p

[Guest guest]

I would like to read this thread, but I could not find the archives. Can someone tell me how to find them?Thanks,MemarieTo: aspires-relationships From: hooversmom@...Date: Thu, 5 Aug 2010 14:15:27 +0000Subject: Re: AS or just jerky behavior

I am going to make a recommendation here that may provide you some insights that should help you in making your decision as to whether to stay and try to work things out or run for the hills. There is a thread in the archives here that you should search for and then check out the postings on the thread. The thread is called "how to fight with your Aspie spouse", or something along those lines. It provides insights from both sides, the Aspie side and the NT side. It should clarify some of his behaviors, and also provide some pointers in dealing effectively with the Aspie mind. Good luck...and let us know how things are going! ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerryFrom: lisamc8898 <alwaysbe3>

Sender: aspires-relationships

Date: Thu, 05 Aug 2010 13:01:11 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships

Subject: AS or just jerky behavior

Hello everyone!

Its been a long time since I posted last. Life has been a bit crazy to say the least. I have a question that I would like your opinions on. I don't know if this is AS behavior or just jerkiness as I'm still learning about AS.

I finally told my AS husband that I'm angry, feel powerless and really hurt by our 12 years of marriage. As a back drop I got massively sick over all this. That was my way of dealing with things and not his fault. A choice I made as a coping mechanize (sp). I also told him that I think he has AS and explained why.

So he was upset after I told him and went to work out. The next day he's like nothing happened. In fact, I came home to a cooked dinner - the same thing he always cooks by the way. And even some baked chicken for the next day. He's been real friendly and talkitive and the like. I told yesterday I have to get so ill or mentally unstable before I get any reaction or support from him. In short this is what he always does. Like a kid in trouble tryin to get on Mommy's good side again. This is part of the crazy making and roller coaster that I can't take any more. As I drove to work I was a bit sucidal to be honest. I just feel so powerless to change things and it speaks to my old tape that my feelings and sufferings are not valid or important. I know that's not a way out and doesn't fix anything so I'm not about to act on it seriously so don't worry; it was just a passing thought that I quickly saw and rejected. I'm seriously considerly leaving as my health is not worth it and our

combonation of "issues" really is not healthy, productive, desirable or just plain living.

So my question is, what is this AS or just very poor relational skills? Does anyone deal with this type of roller coaster ride and you know the person has or strongly feel AS is living in the house with you. I think its AS cause it takes me at the end of my living rope for a reaction. Kinda simular to the tread about being overly mad to calm things down. Is this what you were talking about?

Thanks for your insights, I can't wait to read them!!

C

[Guest guest]

My husband has AS, which was just diagnosed last year. If he never learned

social skills or learned how to argue, then how will he know how to? As an NT

we instinctively learn or pick up on things that the Aspie is literally blind

to. One thing that I had to learn is don't assume they know because they

usually don't. I would suggest picking up the book Aspergers in Love: Couple

Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine C. Aston. Also The Asperger Couple's

Workbook: Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors by Maxine

C. Aston is a good one. Both were recommended by my husbands Psychologist who

is an expert in the field.

All that said, I believe it's AS and not just him being a jerk.

>

> > AS does not automatically mean a person has poor skills ... what it means is

that the Aspie has to consciously learn social skills. My daughter is learning

those skills through both parenting and her IEP program at school, I learned

them through self-study (and I mean *study*, like you might teach yourself

French through a home study course), but some Aspies never have the opportunity

or desire to learn. My Aspie husband picked up some skills on his own (it helps

to have a very high IQ, which he does), but still has some very weak spots. >>

>

> Wow, when you put it like that....

>

> My husband, I've come to believe, has Asperger's. He can be social when he

wants to or needs to (I believe it's because he knows what " social " looks like),

but it drains him and he vastly prefers to be alone. My daughter and I, on the

other hand, show a few of the traits but not others. For one thing, we're both

highly (hyper?) sensitive and empathetic. But though we need our social time,

we're both introverts at heart.

>

> All three of us have this in common: All our lives, we've felt as if we were

on the outside looking in, that there is something other people instinctively

understand that we're missing. And because of this, we all have had various

degrees of trouble navigating the social world. This has caused (and continues

to cause) my daughter and I a lot of pain. (My husband, on the other hand, isn't

bothered by it.)

>

> I've told people (and it's true) that I had to teach myself to hug folks and

that I had to teach myself small talk. (I did the latter by hanging out in

on-line chats and consciously practicing.) I've always assumed it was because of

my upbringing -- and I'm sure that does figure into it. And while our daughter

couldn't read people at all when she was younger (which caused *a lot* of

problems), she's fought her way past it and now can. She and I are both short

close friends, however, and don't " get " how to change that, and so feel largely

isolated.

>

> Hmmm...more food for thought.

>

> p

>

[Guest guest]

Umm...I don't think your response was meant as a follow-up to me, but to an

earlier post. Yet it references mine. I never said anything at all like that and

would hate to have those kinds of words put into my mouth. Could you please be

more careful with your editing and attributions?

Thanks!

p

Re: AS or just jerky behavior

My husband has AS, which was just diagnosed last year.  If he never learned

social skills or learned how to argue, then how will he know how to?  As an NT

we instinctively learn or pick up on things that the Aspie is literally blind

to.  One thing that I had to learn is don't assume they know because they

usually don't.  I would suggest picking up the book Aspergers in Love: Couple

Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine C. Aston.  Also The Asperger Couple's

Workbook: Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors by Maxine

C. Aston is a good one.  Both were recommended by my husbands Psychologist who

is an expert in the field. 

All that said, I believe it's AS and not just him being a jerk. 

> 

> > AS does not automatically mean a person has poor skills ... what it means is

>that the Aspie has to consciously learn social skills. My daughter is learning

>those skills through both parenting and her IEP program at school, I learned

>them through self-study (and I mean *study*, like you might teach yourself

>French through a home study course), but some Aspies never have the opportunity

>or desire to learn. My Aspie husband picked up some skills on his own (it helps

>to have a very high IQ, which he does), but still has some very weak spots. >>

>

> Wow, when you put it like that....

>

> My husband, I've come to believe, has Asperger's. He can be social when he

>wants to or needs to (I believe it's because he knows what " social " looks

like),

>but it drains him and he vastly prefers to be alone. My daughter and I, on the

>other hand, show a few of the traits but not others. For one thing, we're both

>highly (hyper?) sensitive and empathetic. But though we need our social time,

>we're both introverts at heart.

>

> All three of us have this in common: All our lives, we've felt as if we were

on

>the outside looking in, that there is something other people instinctively

>understand that we're missing. And because of this, we all have had various

>degrees of trouble navigating the social world. This has caused (and continues

>to cause) my daughter and I a lot of pain. (My husband, on the other hand,

isn't

>bothered by it.)

>

>

> I've told people (and it's true) that I had to teach myself to hug folks and

>that I had to teach myself small talk. (I did the latter by hanging out in

>on-line chats and consciously practicing.) I've always assumed it was because

of

>my upbringing -- and I'm sure that does figure into it. And while our daughter

>couldn't read people at all when she was younger (which caused *a lot* of

>problems), she's fought her way past it and now can. She and I are both short

>close friends, however, and don't " get " how to change that, and so feel largely

>isolated.

>

> Hmmm...more food for thought.

>

> p

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone. I enjoyed reading all your comments! I think I read that thread

when I first signed up, but I should read it again. To look for it hit the

search button at the top and type in the words in the thread that was mentioned.

(Sorry I trimed my reply before I got everyone's names and who said what!!)

I had thought about those two books as well. Perhaps when I've got the moola,

I'll get them. Unfortunately they are not in the library here.

Now that I think about it and read your posts, I can see him just not knowing

what to do except just to be nice. He often forgets to clue me in on things he

has thought about. Weeks later I find out about some decsion he has made.

Anyway, if looked at things this way and if he doesn't have the social skills

down completely it does seem right to play nice now. He does get over things

pretty quick for the mose part. There's alot of clues that are missed and hard

to speak about as for NTs it is just " normal " (for lack of a better word; hence

the quotation marks).

On my side, its hard not to feel manipulated. I have alot of background with

that, so my trust in that area is a bit weak. I'm aware of the wounds trust me!

Its just a really bad mixture. In the NT world, to act like he is would be

manipulation - if no more dicussion was had and the person just ignored your

pain and pleas for understanding but just acted nice and as if nothing happened.

Hmmm...

Liz (one name I do remember!), I hear ya on the possibility that he can learn

some things. I've heard that many places. Its the willingness for him to do it

and see the need of it that gets me. I have alot of doubt on that one. I'll give

him the oppurtunity to decide that for himself. Only he can do that work; I

can't. (nor do I want to) The bigger question for me is though, its been 12

years of this- the thought of going even more and being patient about it, just

is difficult to comprehend. ly put, I don't think I just do not want to do

this anymore. With or without help. My health has so been affected by this in

some serious ways. The emotional energy is just overwhelming! I'm not sure I can

do it even if I want to.

Its really sad and it pains me to think this way. I have alot of torment over

it. It just feels like no win situation all the way around. I don't want to hurt

him, but I don't want to hurt myself either.

Oh well...thanks everyone!! I'll do some reading...Danke Scheon!