Guest guest Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 This is really like the shoe incidents that some of you recalled dealing with nada about, isn't it? Just another way nada let you know not to bother her with your needs, hugh? Only I think because it went beyond not meeting basic needs but like Vicki said, a very sly way to crush whatever dreams you have that you are passionate about or crush your soul. It was definitely in those high school years when we were striking out on our own more and true freedom was just around the corner. Enough to drive nada to use the most venomous ploys to keep us in her web! patinage > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all the > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was not > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut up and > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years because I was > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't allow > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't feel like > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so why > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it was > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there is $$ > > for it? > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and shamed > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you what makes > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school supplies in > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow Trapper > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never get > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted one, as > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed then > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff *was* more > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, maybe 6 > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > Love, > > Vi > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 You guys are cracking me up and triggering memories all at the same time. My nada got me a necklace this last Christmas as she did for my two sister-in-laws. My SILs both received necklaces that I thought fit their tastes exactly but mine was completely something nada would wear. We have completely opposite tastes. I am sure this was in revenge for my NC decision. My impulse was to toss it but I haven't yet. I think it would be good therapy and practice for me of letting go of stuff that doesn't make me happy to go throw it away. I will rest more soundly tonight I am sure. patinage > > > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all the > > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was not > > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut > up and > > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years because I > was > > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't > allow > > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't feel > like > > > > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so why > > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it was > > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there is $$ > > > for it? > > > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and shamed > > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you what makes > > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school supplies in > > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow Trapper > > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never get > > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted one, as > > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed then > > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff *was* more > > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, maybe 6 > > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > Vi > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 Crush it with a hammer...and THEN toss it. Vi (ps--short for " Violetta " --tho Vicki is beautiful!) > > > > > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all > the > > > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was > not > > > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut > > up and > > > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years > because I > > was > > > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't > > allow > > > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't > feel > > like > > > > > > > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so > why > > > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it > was > > > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there > is $$ > > > > for it? > > > > > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and > shamed > > > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you > what makes > > > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school > supplies in > > > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow > Trapper > > > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never > get > > > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted > one, as > > > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed > then > > > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff > *was* more > > > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, > maybe 6 > > > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > Vi > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 <asked for. Buying things for me that I'd let her know that I wanted would make my nada " feel used " , apparently. For her, shopping for presents was about having a fun experience for *herself*, not winding up with something I would care about. > Oh man, I know exactly what you mean Vi. My smother does a very particular thing about presents that p.o.s me. She'll say " Tell me what you want " or " Pick out anything, I want to get you something that YOU really want " and then when I tell her what it is she says " Oh I don't want to get you THAT! " or " Why would you want that? it so UGLY. " Or she'll say " I saw X (something I really want) and almost bought it for you but I wasn't sure you'd like it so I didn't buy it. " She a master at getting my hopes up only to dash them when it comes to presents. And even worse - the few times she's actually given me something I like she's TAKEN IT BACK later on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 Sorry Vi! Great idea to HIT home the point:) patinage > > > > > > > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all > > the > > > > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was > > not > > > > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut > > > up and > > > > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years > > because I > > > was > > > > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't > > > allow > > > > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't > > feel > > > like > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > > > > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so > > why > > > > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > > > > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it > > was > > > > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there > > is $$ > > > > > for it? > > > > > > > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > > > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and > > shamed > > > > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you > > what makes > > > > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > > > > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > > > > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school > > supplies in > > > > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow > > Trapper > > > > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never > > get > > > > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted > > one, as > > > > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed > > then > > > > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff > > *was* more > > > > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, > > maybe 6 > > > > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > > > > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > > > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > > Vi > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 Yap! It's the old trick you into thinking I want to give you something trick. Then, Backing out. Interesting my husband who is also BPD does the same thing only with jobs around the house like change the light bulb. Ask him to do something and he sais later, " I feel like I'm being used. " Other times he just doesn't say anything. But, I feel he still is thinking it. I just don't get it. > > <asked for. Buying things for me that I'd let her know that I wanted > would make my nada " feel used " , apparently. For her, shopping for > presents was about having a fun experience for *herself*, not winding > up with something I would care about. > > > Oh man, I know exactly what you mean Vi. My smother does a very > particular thing about presents that p.o.s me. She'll say " Tell me > what you want " or " Pick out anything, I want to get you something > that YOU really want " and then when I tell her what it is she says > " Oh I don't want to get you THAT! " or " Why would you want that? it > so UGLY. " Or she'll say " I saw X (something I really want) and > almost bought it for you but I wasn't sure you'd like it so I didn't > buy it. " She a master at getting my hopes up only to dash them when > it comes to presents. And even worse - the few times she's actually > given me something I like she's TAKEN IT BACK later on! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2007 Report Share Posted June 22, 2007 it is amusing to me how certain threads will resonate so. I gave up giving mom actual wrapped gifts a few years ago and began giving GCs instead. I was out of ideas for her and she returned everything anyhow. I thought she would balk at my apparent lack of imagination or even effort, but she was obviously pleased by this. She, on the other hand, continued her usual habit of giving extremely practical (to her) gifts, most recently food she bought at the Pepperidge Farm seconds store, all items I would not purchase for myself. I suppose this was an improvement over the golf attire she purchased for so many years (or the colonial knick knacks that I hated) . At least I could use the cookies and other items when company came over. At my last birthday, I suggested she just give me cash (I started my own business a couple years ago and am still struggling financially). She indicated since I was such a poor money manager, she just couldn't give me cash. I owe her $1,000 from last fall when I begged from my hospital bed for the loan so I could make my exwife's mortgage payment. She didn't want to loan me the money and I really did have to beg. I had just had emergency gallbladder surgery and knew I was not going to be able to work for about six weeks so was pretty desperate or I would not have asked. At the time, when she finally consented, she told me she needed the money right back because her monthly meds are so expensive, and she hadn't been able to afford her vaginal dryness cream for months, etc.... (tmi!) but I know she withdrew the cash from savings and didn't take it out of their social security. Their only granddaughter lives with my exwife. Anyone else with means would have been glad to help given the circumstance. Such is the life in borderland. > > > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all the > > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was not > > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut > up and > > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years because I > was > > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't > allow > > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't feel > like > > > > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so why > > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it was > > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there is $$ > > > for it? > > > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and shamed > > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you what makes > > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school supplies in > > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow Trapper > > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never get > > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted one, as > > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed then > > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff *was* more > > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, maybe 6 > > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > Vi > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2007 Report Share Posted June 22, 2007 Pepperidge Farm seconds????? Good grief! For future reference, there's a lot of great ideas on here about neat ways to give donations in someone else's name . . . Maybe you could make a donation in her name to a charity that supports senior citizens who Really Can't afford their meds. > > > > > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all > the > > > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was > not > > > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut > > up and > > > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years > because I > > was > > > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't > > allow > > > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't > feel > > like > > > > > > > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so > why > > > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it > was > > > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there > is $$ > > > > for it? > > > > > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and > shamed > > > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you > what makes > > > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school > supplies in > > > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow > Trapper > > > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never > get > > > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted > one, as > > > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed > then > > > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff > *was* more > > > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, > maybe 6 > > > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > Vi > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 Kyla's comment about fire made me think of something that was done for a family near me who lost everything in a fire - including all pictures and mementos of their son who had died as an infant. A 'getting back on your feet shower was held, but instead of the usual gifts, everyone brought memories written down, photographs, tapes, etc. to help replace those that were lost. Folks who never knew the infant son still brought 'things you told us about him' memories and even some of their own best-loved baby clothes and such. The parents of the baby expressed over and over how touching that was. Even though the things were not the originals, the fact that someone cared enough to try to heal that particular hurt was a gift in itself. Do you have friends or family that could do the same so you wouldn't have to rely on the whims of your nada? -Leslye kylaboo728 wrote: Sherri -- excellent question! This is a tactic many nadas use successfully on their children. It's part of the BPD experience. I like how that " Clean Sweep " guy encourages people to let go of their " stuff " . He says " You have the memory -- this is just a thing. " You can let it go out into the world and you'll still have your memory. It's not tied to this bundle of fabric, stuffing and thread. (or whatever it's made of). One lady wrote an essay in Real Simple magazine about her experience with a fire destroying her home. After the ordeal, when she and her family started over, she realized that there IS life after your " stuff " . She had a clean slate -- but she was still who she was and having stuff in boxes in the attic didn't change that. She said she could think more clearly -- she realized that her stuff was ruling her. She broke free. If a toxic BPD is playing emotional blackmail games with your stuff - - I say " LET IT GO " ......... Live each day in the moment, in the present. Let the dust-gathering, yellowing remnants of the past go. -Kyla > > From : " Nada has pulled this before > on " stuff " -- she has no understanding that stuff means NOTHING to > me, except for the occassional sentimental item, which is exactly > what theses things are. > How do I handle that piece of it? " > > really struck a chord with me on this question. My nada has > used this card often, along with the " Moving " card when she decides > she " no longer has a source of support " , etc. (she's " moved " three > times since I've been NC). Part of me feels like I should just let the > things go, but there are a few things that are sentimental to me, > although not important enough for me to break the NC. How have you all > handled it when this issue comes up? > Sherri > --------------------------------- Don't pick lemons. See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 Antique stores. I've found wonderful " lost " items from my childhood and those are the tings I buy - a piano lesson book, a pot like I used to cook hot dogs in, a pink princess telephone - they mean nothing to others (and so are usually cheaper at the antique store), but they mean the world to me. -Leslye vegdeanna wrote: Hmmmmm.... I don't have any leftover " stuff " . Nada threw all my things away, every time I turned my back. My weebles, my tea set, my mcdonalds restaurant, my hearts game, everything. --------------------------------- Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online. --------------------------------- Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 Pretty good if the 'seconds' were edible - and Pepperidge Farm at that! I get no-name stale candy and cookies - even found mold growing in one of the packages once. Gifts are a risky business when it comes to nada, so we've learned to open and toss. Confronting did no good at all. -Leslye Ritty wrote: Pepperidge Farm seconds????? Good grief! For future reference, there's a lot of great ideas on here about neat ways to give donations in someone else's name . . . Maybe you could make a donation in her name to a charity that supports senior citizens who Really Can't afford their meds. > > > > > > > > > I got a clearance pair of skates that were too big when all > the > > > > > skaters at my level were getting custom fit skates. It was > not > > > > > received well when I said they didn't fit quit right so I shut > > up and > > > > > wore them. My nada still got mad after about 10 years > because I > > was > > > > > getting a new pair for myself. Funny thing is, I still didn't > > allow > > > > > myself to get the custom skates! Is it any wonder I don't > feel > > like > > > > > > > > > > > > I have to wonder--why do nada's do this? > > > > > > > > Is it obliviousness--THEY wouldn't care about custom skates, so > why > > > > should you (since you ARE them)? > > > > > > > > Is it resentment--THEY didn't get custom skates (or whatever it > was > > > > they wanted) growing up, so why should you now, even if there > is $$ > > > > for it? > > > > > > > > Or is it soul-crushing--you want the custom skates, so you very > > > > specifically are given something else, forced to accept it, and > shamed > > > > for wanting different, all in an effort to crush out of you > what makes > > > > you an individual (to tereby better serve THEM)? > > > > > > > > Or a bit of all three? > > > > > > > > I remember little things like going shopping for school > supplies in > > > > middle school, and wanting the colorful rainbow > Trapper > > > > Keeper (dating self!) and pencils. Not only did I never, never > get > > > > one, but nada thought it was silly and amusing that I wanted > one, as > > > > she guided me towards the plainest, cheapest stuff. I assumed > then > > > > that it was a money thing; after all, the stuff > *was* more > > > > costly. But in retrospect, I see that it would have totaled 5, > maybe 6 > > > > more dollars PER YEAR than the plain stuff. > > > > > > > > We lived in Palm Beach County. We had $5-6 more a year for the > > > > colorful school stuff. :C > > > > > > > > > > > > Love, > > > > Vi > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 Thank you Leslye. That's a great idea. -Deanna Hmmmmm.... > > I don't have any leftover " stuff " . Nada threw all my things away, > every time I turned my back. My weebles, my tea set, my mcdonalds > restaurant, my hearts game, everything. > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Building a website is a piece of cake. > Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online. > > --------------------------------- > Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 Wow -- that gave me goosebumps. What a great way for that lady to see the love that surrounded her in the present, and helped her keep in touch with her past. She had a terrible loss, but that shower showed how much she has gained as well. -Kyla > > > > From : " Nada has pulled this before > > on " stuff " -- she has no understanding that stuff means NOTHING to > > me, except for the occassional sentimental item, which is exactly > > what theses things are. > > How do I handle that piece of it? " > > > > really struck a chord with me on this question. My nada > has > > used this card often, along with the " Moving " card when she > decides > > she " no longer has a source of support " , etc. (she's " moved " three > > times since I've been NC). Part of me feels like I should just > let the > > things go, but there are a few things that are sentimental to me, > > although not important enough for me to break the NC. How have > you all > > handled it when this issue comes up? > > Sherri > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Don't pick lemons. > See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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