Re: limiting contact

[Guest guest]

wrote:

" I worry that I will one day look back and regret it ... but then I look at it

realistically and say, How? It can't possibly get any worse! and it sure as

hell will never get any better. "

Just my personal experience - I'm 54 and I went n/c going-on four years ago. As

I wrote to BP sis " For the first 50 years of my life, I've lived in Lilly's

(nada's) fantasy world...the world where she was/is a perfect wife & mother who

knows what everyone should do, think and say. For the next 50, I choose to live

in the real world " .

And as I continue to toss/give away the mountains of junky guilt-laden gifts

from nada & BPsis which have cluttered my home for decades; as I continue to

enjoy peaceful day after peaceful day; as I continue to focus my energies on

dealing with my own life-challenges instead of listening to their incessant

whining " but I caaaan't, it's too haaaard for poor widdle me " ; and as I continue

to enjoy the company of caring relatives, dear friends & good neighbours who

don't use me as a tool to masturbate their inflated egos - my only regret is

that I didn't go n/c sooner.

That being said, I acknowledge that there's no 'right' answer for everyone and I

applaud all of us for simply surviving.

F :-)

[Guest guest]

Well said, Chris.

I went NC about five years ago, and when I did I thought that maybe

some day I'd get to the point where I'd want to try to have a

relationship with her again. So far, I haven't been anywhere close

to wanting that.

It's really nice not to have to worry about the next time she rages

and how much damage she'll cause, or to watch every word I say and

wonder which one of them she'll misinterpret, or to feel crappy

every time I get off the phone with her because she spends most of

the conversation telling me about all the things that are horribly

wrong with me. It's nice to enjoy the company of good friends and

feel at ease in relationships that have mutual trust and respect.

It's nice to look to the future and feel a sense of hope that there

are things yet to be enjoyed, instead of feeling trapped and

frustrated by a perpetual no-win situation. It's also nice to be

able to live MY life, instead of living life for HER benefit.

And then once in a while I'll start to forget what she's really

like, and I'll think about the idea of a mom and wonder if maybe

she's softened since the last time I talked to her. I'll be tempted

to contact her... and then she'll pull something like she did last

month - punching my brother in the face and kicking him out of the

house, holding his stuff hostage and calling him selfish and

spoiled, spitting venom at him for an entire month because instead

of moving back in with her he moved into an apartment (with Dad's

help). And then on 6/6/06 (I love the irony of that) she sends him

an email saying, " Well it looks like you're getting all settled in!

Let me know if you need help with anything, Love, Mom " . Then I know

that nothing has changed and I DON'T want to invite that back into

my life. Not now, maybe not ever.

But I also agree that the situation is definitely different for

everyone, and there is no one right choice when it comes to

something like this - there is only a right choice for you in your

own unique situation. One thing I know to be true for all KOs: we

are strong, stronger than we give ourselves credit for, stronger

than we even know. We just have to believe in ourselves.

> " I worry that I will one day look back and regret it ... but then

I look at it realistically and say, How? It can't possibly get any

worse! and it sure as hell will never get any better. "

>

> Just my personal experience - I'm 54 and I went n/c going-on four

years ago. As I wrote to BP sis " For the first 50 years of my life,

I've lived in Lilly's (nada's) fantasy world...the world where she

was/is a perfect wife & mother who knows what everyone should do,

think and say. For the next 50, I choose to live in the real world " .

>

> And as I continue to toss/give away the mountains of junky guilt-

laden gifts from nada & BPsis which have cluttered my home for

decades; as I continue to enjoy peaceful day after peaceful day; as

I continue to focus my energies on dealing with my own life-

challenges instead of listening to their incessant whining " but I

caaaan't, it's too haaaard for poor widdle me " ; and as I continue to

enjoy the company of caring relatives, dear friends & good

neighbours who don't use me as a tool to masturbate their inflated

egos - my only regret is that I didn't go n/c sooner.

>

> That being said, I acknowledge that there's no 'right' answer for

everyone and I applaud all of us for simply surviving.

>

> F :-)

>

[Guest guest]

wrote:

> I worry that I will one day look back and regret it ... but

> then I look at it realistically and say, How? It can't

> possibly get any worse! and it sure as hell will never get

> any better.

One technique that helps me is to tell myself that I can

always change my mind later. I'll say to myself, " I'll go no

contact (NC) for 6 months and then make a decision about what

to do next. "

So, if it feels too *permanent* to go NC, you might consider

doing it as a temporary measure. I found it helped me a lot

with my healing process. Staying away from her helped me gain

perspective, not get sucked into the insanity of her problems.

It helped me separate myself and see that I'm not responsible

for her (undoing all the conditioning from childhood where we

all were responsible for her).

I've gone NC for various periods of time. Most of these NC

periods were before I knew what BPD was! (I've only known

about her BPD for 4-5 years). I just knew that I could not

be around my mother, or even talk with her on the phone,

and stay sane. I've never regretted these periods. And since

my mother's version of reality is independent of what I do

anyway, it doesn't seem to have affected her, either!

I hope this helps. I completely understand how confusing and

frustrating it can be to try to decide what to do.

Hugs,

Marjorie

Commit random acts of literacy--Join bookcrossing!

http://www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/ahimsa

[Guest guest]

I am right there with you. I too wish I had gone no contact sooner,

but I realize I didn't do it until I was ready to and needed to. I

don't miss 'my' mother as much as I miss 'having' a mother.

Sylvia

> " I worry that I will one day look back and regret it ... but then

I look at it realistically and say, How? It can't possibly get any

worse! and it sure as hell will never get any better. "

>

> Just my personal experience - I'm 54 and I went n/c going-on four

years ago. As I wrote to BP sis " For the first 50 years of my life,

I've lived in Lilly's (nada's) fantasy world...the world where she

was/is a perfect wife & mother who knows what everyone should do,

think and say. For the next 50, I choose to live in the real world " .

>

> And as I continue to toss/give away the mountains of junky guilt-

laden gifts from nada & BPsis which have cluttered my home for

decades; as I continue to enjoy peaceful day after peaceful day; as

I continue to focus my energies on dealing with my own life-

challenges instead of listening to their incessant whining " but I

caaaan't, it's too haaaard for poor widdle me " ; and as I continue to

enjoy the company of caring relatives, dear friends & good

neighbours who don't use me as a tool to masturbate their inflated

egos - my only regret is that I didn't go n/c sooner.

>

> That being said, I acknowledge that there's no 'right' answer for

everyone and I applaud all of us for simply surviving.

>

> F :-)

>

[Guest guest]

" Just my personal experience - I'm 54 and I went n/c going-on four

years ago. As I wrote to BP sis " For the first 50 years of my life,

I've lived in Lilly's (nada's) fantasy world...the world where she

was/is a perfect wife & mother who knows what everyone should do,

think and say. For the next 50, I choose to live in the real world " . "

I really love this one! No kidding!

Ahimsa:

Yeah, that might be a useful way to look at it. But then, I think of all the

stored up anger they will all have at me for just disappearing on them, and

think, How on earth could there ever be a normal time spent with any of them

again with all that ready to blow?

But then again, there is the nada-tendency to forget it all and act like nothing

happened ...

... until the next time they don't like what you do and then -- BLOOWIE!

Suddenly they remember!

: yeah, I kind of feel like that too, right now.

:

I can really relate to this already

" It's really nice not to have to worry about the next time she rages

and how much damage she'll cause, or to watch every word I say and

wonder which one of them she'll misinterpret, or to feel crappy

every time I get off the phone with her because she spends most of

the conversation telling me about all the things that are horribly

wrong with me. It's nice to enjoy the company of good friends and

feel at ease in relationships that have mutual trust and respect.

It's nice to look to the future and feel a sense of hope that there

are things yet to be enjoyed, instead of feeling trapped and

frustrated by a perpetual no-win situation. It's also nice to be

able to live MY life, instead of living life for HER benefit. "

and I've only been NC about a month!

Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through I feel guilty,

because my mother is not the assaulting-other-people, egregious-acting-out type

of nada. Instead she is weepy and pathetic. Well, I think I described it

already. I start to feel like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out

.... but the last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if she were doing

stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost wish she would so I could feel

less guilty!

--.

*sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I used to wish my nada had been more physically abusive towards me,

because if I had the scars or even consistent bruises to prove she

was abusive, THEN I'd be justified in the decisions I made to

protect myself. THEN people would see what I was suffering, and no

one would dare to question why I was staying away from her.

I spent some time working through why I would wish something like

that, and really what it boiled down to was, I wanted validation. I

wanted everyone to understand my decisions, I didn't want to feel

guilty about what I did or like I had to explain my reasoning to

absolutely everyone. I wanted it to be clear-cut, like you see on

the nightly news when a mom tries to kill her children and nobody

ever questions the decision to take those kids away from their mom.

I felt like I needed it to justify my decision, and that anything

less than attempted murder on her part would raise eyebrows at why I

was being so " drastic " .

Here's the thing: you don't need to explain your decisions to

anyone. Guilt has no place in what you've decided to do for

yourself, because the very fact that you made a decision for your

own health means it's a VALID decision. The guilt you feel is a nada-

tape, playing through your head. I know because when I first went NC

I heard the same tape, ie " Is she really that bad? Am I

overreacting? Am I being too drastic? " I felt guilty for even being

a member on this list! Looking back, I can see how much space she

was taking up in my head.

The answer is, if you feel like a line was crossed, you get to

decide how to handle that. If you stay NC for some time and decide

that you'd like to try to work at your relationship with her again,

then you get to make that decision, too. If you feel like you need

to set other boundaries with her, those are your decisions to make.

Or, as I like to put it, some of my decisions are right, some are

wrong, but all of them are valid. That's part of the beauty of

taking my life out of nada's hands and living it for myself.

> Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through I

feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-people,

egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to feel

like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but the

last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if

she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost

wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

>

> --.

>

>

> *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

>

>

[Guest guest]

A Lyons wrote: .

But then again, there is the nada-tendency to forget it all and act

like nothing happened ...

... until the next time they don't like what you do and then -- BLOOWIE! Suddenly

they remember!

>>>>>I didnt realize this is a BPD trait...acting like nothing happened. ???

Just opening it up for comments

BUtifulGrace

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I have found it VERY helpful to keep a journal of just nada events, that way I

have a written reminder of the craziness for when she splits me white.

BUtifulGrace

sherby2k wrote:

Hi ,

I used to wish my nada had been more physically abusive towards me,

because if I had the scars or even consistent bruises to prove she

was abusive, THEN I'd be justified in the decisions I made to

protect myself. THEN people would see what I was suffering, and no

one would dare to question why I was staying away from her.

I spent some time working through why I would wish something like

that, and really what it boiled down to was, I wanted validation. I

wanted everyone to understand my decisions, I didn't want to feel

guilty about what I did or like I had to explain my reasoning to

absolutely everyone. I wanted it to be clear-cut, like you see on

the nightly news when a mom tries to kill her children and nobody

ever questions the decision to take those kids away from their mom.

I felt like I needed it to justify my decision, and that anything

less than attempted murder on her part would raise eyebrows at why I

was being so " drastic " .

Here's the thing: you don't need to explain your decisions to

anyone. Guilt has no place in what you've decided to do for

yourself, because the very fact that you made a decision for your

own health means it's a VALID decision. The guilt you feel is a nada-

tape, playing through your head. I know because when I first went NC

I heard the same tape, ie " Is she really that bad? Am I

overreacting? Am I being too drastic? " I felt guilty for even being

a member on this list! Looking back, I can see how much space she

was taking up in my head.

The answer is, if you feel like a line was crossed, you get to

decide how to handle that. If you stay NC for some time and decide

that you'd like to try to work at your relationship with her again,

then you get to make that decision, too. If you feel like you need

to set other boundaries with her, those are your decisions to make.

Or, as I like to put it, some of my decisions are right, some are

wrong, but all of them are valid. That's part of the beauty of

taking my life out of nada's hands and living it for myself.

> Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through I

feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-people,

egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to feel

like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but the

last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if

she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost

wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

>

> --.

>

>

> *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

>

>

[Guest guest]

For those of you, like me, who have more difficulty justifying

limiting contact with a weepy, " victim " BPD, I'd offer this thought:

Playing the " yes, but... " game is just as damaging and aggressive as

any other game.

This is when the person first of all reverses responsibility making

their emotions your responsibility--this is a fallacy, while anyone

can have their feelings hurt by someone else, or have their mood

brightened by a kind act, NOBODY, and I mean nobody, is responsible

for another person's emotional state long term. But our BPD parents

train us from an early age to think it's our job to make them

happy.

Then the game part comes in--they're never happy and we can't make

them happy! It's just another game we never wanted to play and

can't win--we sacrifice all our free time to them, we give them so

much of our thoughts and energy. We neglect our own families

to " help " them.

But what are they doing? They're playing the " yes, but... "

game. " Yes, I probably should see a therapist but they're so

expensive... " " Yes, I do need to eat, but I can't cook my own food

here so I just don't want to eat anything... " " I know I need to get

up and do something and not just cry in bed, but your sister is

being so mean to me that all I can do is cry... "

And I know where I'm speaking here, because I grew up with a mother

who constantly cried that she was a victim (among other bad

behaviors). Then when I was a young woman I got involved in a very

bad relationship with an abusive guy. Well, I felt like the hugest

victim naturally, but then I got real. I got myself together and

got out of there. Instead of just complaining I saved myself

because nobody else was going to save me. And I do realize that

some people need more help than others, but anytime someone responds

to everything you say with " yes, but... " or " I wish I could, but.. "

Then you can be pretty sure they are playing games. Esp when it

comes to our parents and we already know that they have a lifelong

pattern of this stuff.

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for sharing that perspective. I'm having a somewhat easier time getting

my head around that one lately ... until I get the guilts for *that*.

Really, our mothers are not the only people in the world. They just think they

are ...

--LL.

[Guest guest]

It is so interesting to hear of the OCD behaviour you had back then.

I too developed OCD when living with my mother. From the age of 13 to

21 I actually had it so bad that I would not allow her to touch me or

anything in my room. I would wash and wash and wash anything that

came into contact with her (including myself). I did this for 8 years

(until I moved out). All the time she would simply ignore it or act

all hurt that I was " rejecting " her. She never thought it was a

serious condition that I would need help with (probably knowing that

if she took me to a doctor he would discover that she was the one with

the problem). It has taken lots of therapy to control the disorder

and still today (32) it is something I have to fight all the time as I

have tended over the years to use it to cope with other stressful

situations that I cannot find other ways of dealing with - normally

ones in which I cannot express myself or stand up for myself for fear

of losing someone or simply not feeling safe to do so.

Has anyone else developed OCD-like behaviour because of their

experience with their BPDs? I feel I used it as a coping mechanism

because there was nowhere for me to go and it was the only way I had

of keeping a distance from her as she wanted always to " merge " with me

or control me - or so it felt to me at the time. I just couldn't

handle her clinging, dependent, parasitic behaviour. It just made me

feel so disgusted all the time - the only thing that momentarily

helped is washing and feeling " clean " for a short while. I could

never speak and express myself to her - could never say that something

she was doing was unacceptable to me as there would be hell to pay if

I did and I didn't know how to cope with her reactions while I was

growing up.

> >

> > > Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through I

> > feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-people,

> > egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

> > pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to feel

> > like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but the

> > last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

> > just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if

> > she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost

> > wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

> > >

> > > --.

> > >

> > >

> > > *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

" And I know where I'm speaking here, because I grew up with a mother

who constantly cried that she was a victim (among other bad

behaviors). Then when I was a young woman I got involved in a very

bad relationship with an abusive guy. Well, I felt like the hugest

victim naturally, but then I got real. I got myself together and

got out of there. Instead of just complaining I saved myself

because nobody else was going to save me. And I do realize that

some people need more help than others, but anytime someone responds

to everything you say with " yes, but... " or " I wish I could, but.. "

Then you can be pretty sure they are playing games. Esp when it

comes to our parents and we already know that they have a lifelong

pattern of this stuff. "

OMG!! OMG!! You are so right!! This is my mother to a T!!!!

Except, I can't even say that to her, because if she knew I was involved with

somebody who basically used me and ran off with $5000 of my money, she'd throw

it up in my face every time I failed to do what she wanted/say what she wanted

to hear. The last time I wrote basically begging her to get some help, I got:

" You have no room to tell me that! You aren't doing well in your job and you

have financial problems and you got fat ... " blah blah blah. I can't really

say that I have finished a novel and entered it in a writing contest -- she'd

make fun of the subject matter, and well, I'm just withholding other information

because I'm sick of her.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

I kept a journal when I was a preteen and teen, but it never crossed my mind

that nada might read it. Nada always gave me privacy in those things, so I

guess I was lucky.

BGrace

lizzyboo81 wrote:

Journal Question?

Was anybody else scared to journal as children living at home? My

best friend growing up kept a journal and I was so jealous she would

fill one up and start another. Sometimes she would read it to me. I

had a journal at one time as a kid but never wrote a thing in it

because of fear nada would find it read it and use it against me. As

a matter of fact even after I moved out I tried to start a journal

many times and ended up destroying them because I was so scared of

my mom and fear that she would find them and hurt me more. Finaly in

the last year and a half I have been able to journal. I started by

writing my first memories and am working my way up to current events

I am now wring memories from my teen years. But I am still to scared

and it is still to painful to write in the present, so I write about

the past only because its less scary for me. I think it is ok to

write down the past because I know I made it. If I write what is

happening now it is to dramatic. My mom could find it see how I feel

what I am thinking and use it to hurt me. I just cant risk that at

this point. But I do find that writing to me is thereputic it feels

like I am releasing years of tention and at the same time I hope one

day my children can read my words and understand. I dont know if

this makes sence to anybody? Lizzy

wrote:

>

> I have found it VERY helpful to keep a journal of just nada

events, that way I have a written reminder of the craziness for when

she splits me white.

> BUtifulGrace

>

> sherby2k wrote:

> Hi ,

>

> I used to wish my nada had been more physically abusive towards

me,

> because if I had the scars or even consistent bruises to prove she

> was abusive, THEN I'd be justified in the decisions I made to

> protect myself. THEN people would see what I was suffering, and no

> one would dare to question why I was staying away from her.

>

> I spent some time working through why I would wish something like

> that, and really what it boiled down to was, I wanted validation.

I

> wanted everyone to understand my decisions, I didn't want to feel

> guilty about what I did or like I had to explain my reasoning to

> absolutely everyone. I wanted it to be clear-cut, like you see on

> the nightly news when a mom tries to kill her children and nobody

> ever questions the decision to take those kids away from their

mom.

> I felt like I needed it to justify my decision, and that anything

> less than attempted murder on her part would raise eyebrows at why

I

> was being so " drastic " .

>

> Here's the thing: you don't need to explain your decisions to

> anyone. Guilt has no place in what you've decided to do for

> yourself, because the very fact that you made a decision for your

> own health means it's a VALID decision. The guilt you feel is a

nada-

> tape, playing through your head. I know because when I first went

NC

> I heard the same tape, ie " Is she really that bad? Am I

> overreacting? Am I being too drastic? " I felt guilty for even

being

> a member on this list! Looking back, I can see how much space she

> was taking up in my head.

>

> The answer is, if you feel like a line was crossed, you get to

> decide how to handle that. If you stay NC for some time and decide

> that you'd like to try to work at your relationship with her

again,

> then you get to make that decision, too. If you feel like you need

> to set other boundaries with her, those are your decisions to make.

>

> Or, as I like to put it, some of my decisions are right, some are

> wrong, but all of them are valid. That's part of the beauty of

> taking my life out of nada's hands and living it for myself.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through I

> feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-people,

> egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

> pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to feel

> like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but the

> last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

> just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if

> she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost

> wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

> >

> > --.

> >

> >

> > *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizzy,

When I was in grade school I had a diary with a lock on it, but I

was still too scared to write anything " revealing " in it, because I

knew nothing was sacred where my nada was concerned. I kept to safe

topics, like what happened at school and who liked who, but never

anything more personal than that.

Throughout my childhood my nada felt she had " every right " to break

into our rooms and read anything/everything she wanted to... and she

did.

Once I moved away from home I kept journals. It felt strange at

first to write down personal feelings, but I think it became part of

the healing process for me, too.

> >

> > > Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through

I

> > feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-

people,

> > egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

> > pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to feel

> > like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but

the

> > last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

> > just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if

> > she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost

> > wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

> > >

> > > --.

> > >

> > >

> > > *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Your lucky u only tried to write one journal....i apparently never

learned from my mistakes.i must have written atleast nine or ten.

starting from 3rd grade till the beginning of college.ALL of them

confiscated,ALL of them read...i just loved writing so much...she

took that love away from me too...Please DON'T let your mother do

that to you...be BOLD,write whatever you feel,past or present...and

if she or anybody else reads it and tries to use it against

you...just tell them tough luck...if they really loved you as much

as they say,they would understand that you have every right to vent

your feelings as much they do.If they don't understand then don't

give them a second thought...

take care,sinthu

> >

> > > Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been through

I

> > feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-

people,

> > egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

> > pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to feel

> > like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but

the

> > last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET HELP

> > just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as if

> > she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I almost

> > wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

> > >

> > > --.

> > >

> > >

> > > *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks to everybody who has responded so far to my Journal Question.

Beachbunny, , Butifulgrace, and Sinthu. It is helpful for

the healing prosses to hear other share with you in your life and in

your pain. My heart was breaking when I read your story Beachbunny.

I just wanted to cry for you. It really brings back sour memories.

Nothing I wrote down just personal thoughts. here is the story...

My mom had just confesed a 6 year affair and was playing the victom.

Crying and going on about how my dad abandoned her and forced her to

do it. She then went on to show me the places she met with her lover

and what they did. we were alone driving in the car. In my

foolishness I blurted out " don't you even feel guily? " I was just 11

years old. Her response to me was " well don't you feel guilty for

all the men you have had sex with? " Did I mention I was 11!!! I was

shocked! I never had sex so I just sat there silent and took the

hint I better not say another word. It hurt deep and to hear

Beachbunny talk made me think of that moment with her and how they

can degrate you to nothing in such a short moment with a few short

words. You have no safe place no outlet It's just you and your

thoughts and you dare not let them out.

I am so sorry that you feel unable to write anymore Sinthu. I hope

one day your passion can be restored. And I understood

every word like you were reading my thoughts. And also thanks to

Butifulgrace for supporting us with your kind words. I am sorry you

all have had such pain in your lives but I know talking to you gives

me hope and joy and I hope it does the same for you. Thanks again

for such kind responses, Lizzy

> > >

> > > > Sometimes when I read what other ppl on here have been

through

> I

> > > feel guilty, because my mother is not the assaulting-other-

> people,

> > > egregious-acting-out type of nada. Instead she is weepy and

> > > pathetic. Well, I think I described it already. I start to

feel

> > > like things aren't really bad enough to just walk out ... but

> the

> > > last stuff she wrote me after my latest plea for her to GET

HELP

> > > just really crossed the line with me. I feel almost as bad as

if

> > > she were doing stuff like your nada is doing. In fact, I

almost

> > > wish she would so I could feel less guilty!

> > > >

> > > > --.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > *sigh* Decisions, decisions ...

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

<<Was anybody else scared to journal as children living at home?>>

My mother read my journal the day after I graduated from high school. I

was a pretty religious kid, and it was written in the form of prayers to God.

Nothing scandalous in it, but lots of concerns about my mother's behavior.

She had to do some poking around to find it (under the mattress in my room.)

When I got back from work the night she read it, there was a rambling note in

my room, telling me to move out. She also gave the journal to my younger

sister to read, which was, of course, horrifying to me as a teen.

Before I left, I did find the journal again, in her room. She had written a

number of " responses " to my prayers in the margins.

I never was able to feel comfortable journaling again.

[Guest guest]

<<Do you and your mom talk

still? was your sister mad at you or did she understand?>>

I went to minimal contact abt 6 years ago (15 years after the journal

incident.) It was hard at first. I had major guilt, because my mother is

quite

low-functioning (and a waif, which ups the perceived neediness factor.) It's

been the best thing for me though. I don't dread the phone calls anymore, I'm

not making these tortuous visits. No more waiting to see what crisis she

will create for herself next, and want me to fix.

My sister didn't have nay reason to be mad. However, she had her own mental

health issues, and the relationship between us was always tenous, in part

because of her problems. My mother's giving the journal to that particular

sister was her way of twisting the knife and also a typical BPD " divide and

conquer " manuever.

Thanks for the nice comments, Lizzy.

[Guest guest]

Shephanie, That is a sad story, I am sorry. Do you and your mom talk

still? was your sister mad at you or did she understand? I

understand feeling uncomfortable journaling. My grandma gave me a

prayer journal after I moved out and went n/c to nada.I never use it

for a prayer journal infact she got me 2 one sits empty and one is

full of notes. It is very uncomfortable to write things down. Its

like admiting that they happened. Maybe its just easier to deny. I

hope one day we all can have that comfort again. Lizzy

>

> <<Was anybody else scared to journal as children living at home?>>

>

> My mother read my journal the day after I graduated from high

school. I

> was a pretty religious kid, and it was written in the form of

prayers to God.

> Nothing scandalous in it, but lots of concerns about my mother's

behavior.

> She had to do some poking around to find it (under the mattress

in my room.)

> When I got back from work the night she read it, there was a

rambling note in

> my room, telling me to move out. She also gave the journal to my

younger

> sister to read, which was, of course, horrifying to me as a

teen.

>

> Before I left, I did find the journal again, in her room. She

had written a

> number of " responses " to my prayers in the margins.

>

> I never was able to feel comfortable journaling again.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> <<Do you and your mom talk

> still? was your sister mad at you or did she understand?>>

> I have been through the divide and conquer and understand all to

well. Thats to bad. At least you have a little peace with the mom

situation. Lizzy

>

> I went to minimal contact abt 6 years ago (15 years after the

journal

> incident.) It was hard at first. I had major guilt, because my

mother is quite

> low-functioning (and a waif, which ups the perceived neediness

factor.) It's

> been the best thing for me though. I don't dread the phone calls

anymore, I'm

> not making these tortuous visits. No more waiting to see what

crisis she

> will create for herself next, and want me to fix.

>

> My sister didn't have nay reason to be mad. However, she had her

own mental

> health issues, and the relationship between us was always tenous,

in part

> because of her problems. My mother's giving the journal to that

particular

> sister was her way of twisting the knife and also a typical

BPD " divide and

> conquer " manuever.

>

> Thanks for the nice comments, Lizzy.

>

>

>

>

>