Re: i acted poorly today :(

[Guest guest]

Awww Barby, bless your heart sweetie!  Your bobbyglen knows how much you love

him sweetie and this is such a difficult time!!  What you witnessed was horrible

and I so agonize along with you, I know most of us would lose it and snap at

people under those circumstances!   Wish I were closer so I could let you sob on

my shoulder and hug you big!!!!!

 

Love,

Pamela

Subject: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissupport

Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 3:20 PM

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Barby.....it's okay to snap sometimes. We try to hold it together for

ourselves,our spouses who have cirrohsis, our family,our spouses family, our

friends. Well sometimes ...some catalyst( like the poor man dying next to you

and Bobby Glen) just make us snap.  There's nothing to forgive. You're human.

This disease scares the Hell out of me too. Diane dealt with Terry's death with

such grace. It scares me to think if Ed doesn't have a transplant....will I be

able to have that strength and grace. I pray so.  I really hate cirrohsis.

Here's a big hug for you!!

                                       

                                    Love,Jill

 

We don't remember days, we remember moments.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,but by the moments that take our

breath away.

Subject: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissupport

Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 7:20 PM

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Barby, you are human. You reacted to this terrible illness no differently than

each of us has in the past at one time or other. I have been there. I was

rushing Ardis to the hospital the last summer she was alive, and I came to a

stop sign, and the guy in front of me was on his cell phone. Well, I burned

rubber, and passed him right in the middle of the intersection, around th his

right side, and took off like a bat out of hell. Well, wouldnt you know,

was sitting right there. LAW, that is. I found myself in the glow of red

and blue lights. He asked if any body in the truck needed an ambulance, and I

told him, " well, we are on our way to CU's emergency room,...but he didnt care.

I got a 12 point ticket for reckless driving, and I was facing loosing my

drivers license, which meant loosing my job. I behaved very badly, endangered

every one on the road, and deserved that ticket. But I got a lawyer, and sent

Ardis' obituary with him to court, and

the judge felt so bad that she was dead, he dropped the entire case. I did

learn a lesson, though. Please do not kick yourself. You are dealing with this

as any person would. The best you can do. Love, Bobby

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 5:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Barby - you didn't " blow " it because of the guy next door. You got upset

because you saw Bobby Glenn going through the same thing. It doesn't matter

what the final diagnosis was with Bobby Glenn, it could have been varicies,

he is dear to you and you saw him dying. I went to ask the nurses when my

grandson was expected to have the ct scan the doctor ordered after waiting

for about 2 hours. I knew it was just that they were probably busy, and my

grandson wasn't in immediate danger, but it had been long enough. Nobody

here is going to censor you for what you did. Jan H

On Mon, Feb 9, 2009 at 5:20 PM, pinkmeetsblue wrote:

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

--

Jan H

[Guest guest]

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him

and his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs...............

Diane

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

LOVE YOU BARBIE

LINDA

Subject: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissupport

Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 6:20 PM

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Oh, Diane ...I'm sorry Monday was so bad for you. I wish I could reach through

and give you a great big hug. I love you!

                                       

                                    Love,Jill

 

We don't remember days, we remember moments.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,but by the moments that take our

breath away.

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissupport

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

You just did Jill!  Thank you for your love and concern and prayers.  Love you

too!

 Warm Hugs..............

Diane

http://auntdisexperimentallife.blogspot.com/

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Tuesday, February 10, 2009 8:41:50 AM

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

Oh, Diane ...I'm sorry Monday was so bad for you. I wish I could reach through

and give you a great big hug. I love you!

                                       

                                    Love,Jill

 

We don't remember days, we remember moments.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,but by the moments that take our

breath away.

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

thank you pam i am so blessed to have such great understanding

friends, who can help me make sence of myself when i act like a

raving lunatic hahaha, much love barby ps i love you blog

>

>

> Subject: i acted poorly today

> To: livercirrhosissupport

> Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 3:20 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped

on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly.

i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

thank you for understanding the rants of a temp. crazy women lol, i

hate this too, and seek the faith i am gonna need to live thru this

ordeal.all my love barby

>

>

> Subject: i acted poorly today

> To: livercirrhosissupport

> Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 7:20 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped

on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly.

i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

hahahaha that was funny ,well not really but they way you tell it is

funny, just your luck huh old JOHN LAW just happening to be

there ,what a hoot.thanks for the kind comfort bobby you are a great

friend!! love barby

>

> Barby, you are human. You reacted to this terrible illness no

differently than each of us has in the past at one time or other. I

have been there. I was rushing Ardis to the hospital the last summer

she was alive, and I came to a stop sign, and the guy in front of me

was on his cell phone. Well, I burned rubber, and passed him right in

the middle of the intersection, around th his right side, and took

off like a bat out of hell. Well, wouldnt you know, was sitting

right there. LAW, that is. I found myself in the glow of red and

blue lights. He asked if any body in the truck needed an ambulance,

and I told him, " well, we are on our way to CU's emergency

room,...but he didnt care. I got a 12 point ticket for reckless

driving, and I was facing loosing my drivers license, which meant

loosing my job. I behaved very badly, endangered every one on the

road, and deserved that ticket. But I got a lawyer, and sent Ardis'

obituary with him to court, and

> the judge felt so bad that she was dead, he dropped the entire

case. I did learn a lesson, though. Please do not kick yourself. You

are dealing with this as any person would. The best you can do. Love,

Bobby

>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: livercirrhosissupport

> Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 5:20:26 PM

> Subject: i acted poorly today

>

>

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped

on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly.

i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

thank you jan ,i think you are right my friend

>

> > hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn

woke up

> > spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> > hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> > something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> > strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> > steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> > supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> > bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> > cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> > for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> > he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> > worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly

welllllllll

> > before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31

yr

> > old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> > friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> > horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> > the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying

it

> > was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> > happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i

snapped on

> > bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> > ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped.

i

> > needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies

fix

> > it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> > dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> > six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> > told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the

stupidist

> > thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and

i

> > dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> > i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> > disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> > people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> > i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> > bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> > comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> > acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it.

i

> > wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> > need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> > just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> > best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> > that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so

poorly. i

> > am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> > of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had

a

> > bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> > you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> > disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> > love barby

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

> --

> Jan H

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

diane i am so very sorry to hear you had such a bad day ,they say

crying cleanses the sole ...i think it just causes wrinkles

hahahaha .it breaks my heart you are alone my friend but you have me

(big cheesy smile ),i cant even fathom what you are feeling and i am

so glad you are so strong in your faith, i think i am usually but

then yesterday happens lol. i imagine sometimes what i would do but

its just my imagination yours is realality again no comparrison.i

think i understand the who am i really thing, i did it when i went

thru the empty nest thing, but again i dont know if it the same. i

hope you find who diane really is ,i know she is an angel always

helping others always putting herself last ,a selfless wonderful

human being !!and with crudentials like that you cant go wrond my

friend.i know you are lonely it breaks my heart for you it really

does, a day doesnt pass that i dont say a prayer for you my friend. i

think you hit the nail on the head about yesterday opening bobby

glenns eyes,i think GOD puts things in our lives to teach us and it

was a huge lesson thats for sure. diane thank you for caring for me

for bobby glenn for all of us, even through your pain and grief ,you

are an amazing person.and i want you to know i am here for you

too,even when i get comsumed in my own termiol i want you to know i

love you and i am here for you to my friend ,all my love barby

>

> Barby,

> I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday

was a really bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing

but cry.  It's only been two weeks since Terry's home going and it

already seems like forever.  I am so lost without him.  My whole

world is just up side down and I'm not really sure at this point if

it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over

the last couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths

in the past, so many horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared

me for this.  One half of who I am is gone and I will not see him

again here on this earth where we were everything to each other.  We

have no children, it has been just the two of us since the day we

married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we, I'm

suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity

was tied up in

> Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take

care of him and his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

>

> So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things

you witnessed in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're

scared and you have a right to be.  The man who makes up half of your

existence is suffering from the same hideous disease that took the

life of that precious man next door in the ER.  You watched his

family grieving and could see yourself and your family having to do

the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

>

> Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby

Glen's eyes to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to

fight to stay with you and your precious family.  He still has time

to fight and there are options open to him.  If he chooses to take

those options, the road won't be easy or smooth, but I know the two

of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over losing

control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps

not in the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is

that all of us reach a point where we must let the tension go.

>

> Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself,

the Lord already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you. 

You owe no one else nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt,

it will hold you hostage if you let it.  You've done nothing wrong

and you have no reason to feel guilty.

>

> I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain. 

If I could, I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however,

be here for you and I am and will be anytime, day or night.  I am

always available when or if you need a shoulder to cry on, a friend

to scream at or someone to cheer you on and encourage you in the

journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG.  Hold tight to

every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

>

> Love and many warm hugs...............

> Diane

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: livercirrhosissupport

> Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

> Subject: i acted poorly today

>

>

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped

on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly.

i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

thank you titty mouse ))))

>

>

> Subject: i acted poorly today

> To: livercirrhosissupport

> Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 6:20 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped

on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly.

i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Diane,

 

The the time to fully grieve.  We are here for you.  Take it one day at a time. 

Cry for him, scream for.......go to grieve counceling if it is offered in your

area.........Higs and kissess.  I love you!

Lyncia

 

My life is really different now, but it is my life.  God helps us choose our

path!

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissupport

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 4:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Two years ago I was the one brought into the emergency room with blood spraying

out of my throat like a busted water line.  I was lucky they new just was

happening and my hepatologist and his group of colleagues worked on me until the

bleeding stopped and i was given all new blood.  I staying in ICU a few days

mostly knocked out.  It just wasn't my time.  They gave me 2yrs.  I am still

here.  Have seen a new Grandson borne.  Have enjoyed a lot of days.  Esophageal

bleeds are not all way a death sentence.  My parents were with me when this

happened.  They are in their seventies.  I know this aged them.  But I am alone

and still there daughter.  I wished at times i would have passed on then..The

grief and worry I am causing everyone has stretched on to long.  But I am still

here - If this happens with your loved on get them to the hosp. and tell

everyone what is happening. This does not mean the end.

Love

 

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Thank you  .  I don't want my boys to go thruough that type of death with

me.

Lyncia

 

My life is really different now, but it is my life.  God helps us choose our

path!

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

,

 

You said you feel like this is so hard on everyone.  I was a caregiver to my mom

as she suffered cirrhosis and I don't regret a single day we had together! 

Please don't burden yourself with thinking you are causing a hard time for

others.  Enjoy the moments together that you can.  As a caregiver I miss even

the hard times!!

 

Pamela

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby..  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for all your kind words.  Sweetie, it's not me, it's just the

Lord in and through me.  As I said, it is the Lord who holds me together and

gives me the strength I need to go on.

I am so thankful BG seems to have taken things to heart and is being more

realistic about his illness.  I am praying for him, Barby.  I know it's hard for

him.  It's hard for anyone to accept the limitations imposed by such a

devastating disease.  From our experience, I know that one ofthe most difficult

things for Terry was accepting that he couldn't work and provide for us.  That

and the fact that he couldn't even take a walk in the woods anymore, much less

go hunting, which he loved so dearly.  I am praying for you too, my sweet

Barby!  You carry the burden for your entire family.  I guess that's just part

and parcel of Mommying, huh?!  Take care of yourself sweetie.  This disease

takes a toll on everyone, not just the person with the disease.

I love you both and my prayers are ever going up for you.  Hang in there, and

hold tightly to each minute of every day!

 

 

 

Warm Hugs...........

 

Diane

http://auntdisexperimentallife.blogspot.com/

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Tuesday, February 10, 2009 10:26:49 AM

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

diane i am so very sorry to hear you had such a bad day ,they say

crying cleanses the sole ...i think it just causes wrinkles

hahahaha .it breaks my heart you are alone my friend but you have me

(big cheesy smile ),i cant even fathom what you are feeling and i am

so glad you are so strong in your faith, i think i am usually but

then yesterday happens lol. i imagine sometimes what i would do but

its just my imagination yours is realality again no comparrison. i

think i understand the who am i really thing, i did it when i went

thru the empty nest thing, but again i dont know if it the same. i

hope you find who diane really is ,i know she is an angel always

helping others always putting herself last ,a selfless wonderful

human being !!and with crudentials like that you cant go wrond my

friend.i know you are lonely it breaks my heart for you it really

does, a day doesnt pass that i dont say a prayer for you my friend. i

think you hit the nail on the head about yesterday opening bobby

glenns eyes,i think GOD puts things in our lives to teach us and it

was a huge lesson thats for sure. diane thank you for caring for me

for bobby glenn for all of us, even through your pain and grief ,you

are an amazing person.and i want you to know i am here for you

too,even when i get comsumed in my own termiol i want you to know i

love you and i am here for you to my friend ,all my love barby

>

> Barby,

> I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday

was a really bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing

but cry.  It's only been two weeks since Terry's home going and it

already seems like forever.  I am so lost without him.  My whole

world is just up side down and I'm not really sure at this point if

it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over

the last couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths

in the past, so many horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared

me for this.  One half of who I am is gone and I will not see him

again here on this earth where we were everything to each other.  We

have no children, it has been just the two of us since the day we

married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we, I'm

suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity

was tied up in

> Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take

care of him and his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

>

> So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things

you witnessed in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're

scared and you have a right to be.  The man who makes up half of your

existence is suffering from the same hideous disease that took the

life of that precious man next door in the ER.  You watched his

family grieving and could see yourself and your family having to do

the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

>

> Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby

Glen's eyes to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to

fight to stay with you and your precious family.  He still has time

to fight and there are options open to him.  If he chooses to take

those options, the road won't be easy or smooth, but I know the two

of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over losing

control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps

not in the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is

that all of us reach a point where we must let the tension go.

>

> Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself,

the Lord already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you. 

You owe no one else nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt,

it will hold you hostage if you let it.  You've done nothing wrong

and you have no reason to feel guilty.

>

> I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain. 

If I could, I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however,

be here for you and I am and will be anytime, day or night.  I am

always available when or if you need a shoulder to cry on, a friend

to scream at or someone to cheer you on and encourage you in the

journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG.  Hold tight to

every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

>

> Love and many warm hugs........ .......

> Diane

>

>

>

>

> ____________ _________ _________ __

> From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ ...>

> To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

> Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

> Subject: i acted poorly today

>

>

> hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

up

> spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

mot

> strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

> supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

> bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

date,he

> cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

here

> for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

said

> he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

> worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

> before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

> old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

> friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

was

> horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

> the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

> was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped

on

> bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

> ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

> needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

> it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

given

> six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

> thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

> dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

yes

> i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

horrable

> disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

crying.

> i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

> wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

> need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

> just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly.

i

> am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

some

> of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

> bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

of

> you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

> love barby

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. I really needed to hesr that today.  It has been a very emotionally

hard one for me.

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby..  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

Thank you Lyncia.  I appreciate your kindness and your prayers.

 

 

 

Warm Hugs...........

 

Diane

http://auntdisexperimentallife.blogspot.com/

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Tuesday, February 10, 2009 11:48:31 AM

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

Diane,

 

The the time to fully grieve.  We are here for you.  Take it one day at a time. 

Cry for him, scream for.......go to grieve counceling if it is offered in your

area........ .Higs and kissess.  I love you!

Lyncia

 

My life is really different now, but it is my life.  God helps us choose our

path!

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 4:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

, I absolutely agree with Pamela.  I just lost my husband on Jan. 26.  Yes,

there were hard times, but I wouldn't trade even the worst of those days for

anything in the world.  It was my last opportunity to give something to my

husband.  Your loved ones will have difficult days, but they will be so thankful

for the chance to help you.  Don't feel guilty.  This is not your fault; it is

the fault of the disease.  I love you and I am praying for you.

 

 

 

Warm Hugs...........

 

Diane

http://auntdisexperimentallife.blogspot.com/

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Tuesday, February 10, 2009 3:34:32 PM

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

,

 

You said you feel like this is so hard on everyone.  I was a caregiver to my mom

as she suffered cirrhosis and I don't regret a single day we had together! 

Please don't burden yourself with thinking you are causing a hard time for

others.  Enjoy the moments together that you can.  As a caregiver I miss even

the hard times!!

 

Pamela

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

Subject: Re: i acted poorly today

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 5:00 AM

Barby,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.  Monday was a really

bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing but cry.  It's only been

two weeks since Terry's home going and it already seems like forever.  I am so

lost without him.  My whole world is just up side down and I'm not really sure

at this point if it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over the last

couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths in the past, so many

horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared me for this.  One half of who I

am is gone and I will not see him again here on this earth where we were

everything to each other.  We have no children, it has been just the two of us

since the day we married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we,

I'm suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity was tied

up in

Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take care of him and

his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things you witnessed

in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction.  You're scared and you have a

right to be.  The man who makes up half of your existence is suffering from the

same hideous disease that took the life of that precious man next door in the

ER.  You watched his family grieving and could see yourself and your family

having to do the same.  It should scare you, Barby..  It's more horrible than I

could have ever imagined.

Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open Bobby Glen's eyes

to how much you love him and need him and how he needs to fight to stay with you

and your precious family.  He still has time to fight and there are options open

to him.  If he chooses to take those options, the road won't be easy or smooth,

but I know the two of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over

losing control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps not in

the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters is that all of us

reach a point where we must let the tension go.

Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself, the Lord

already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you.  You owe no one else

nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt, it will hold you hostage if you

let it.  You've done nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty.

I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain.  If I could,

I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however, be here for you and I am

and will be anytime, day or night.  I am always available when or if you need a

shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream at or someone to cheer you on and

encourage you in the journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG. 

Hold tight to every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

Love and many warm hugs........ .......

Diane

____________ _________ _________ __

From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ bellsouth. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

Subject: i acted poorly today

hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke up

spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its mot

strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes not

supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver as

bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later date,he

cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its here

for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they said

he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if hes

worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly welllllllll

before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31 yr

old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it our

friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it was

horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere in

the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying it

was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i snapped on

bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy bringing

ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped. i

needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies fix

it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been given

six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the stupidist

thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and i

dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried yes

i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid horrable

disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were crying.

i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it. i

wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved i

need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel terrable

just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so poorly. i

am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know some

of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had a

bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all of

you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all my

love barby

[Guest guest]

thank you my friend :)

> >

> > Barby,

> > I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post. 

Monday

> was a really bad day here.  It just seemed that I could do nothing

> but cry.  It's only been two weeks since Terry's home going and it

> already seems like forever.  I am so lost without him.  My whole

> world is just up side down and I'm not really sure at this point if

> it will ever be right side up again.  If the Lord had not been

> holding me together, I know I would have come completely apart over

> the last couple of days.  I have been through so many family deaths

> in the past, so many horrid illnesses and losses.  Nothing prepared

> me for this.  One half of who I am is gone and I will not see him

> again here on this earth where we were everything to each other. 

We

> have no children, it has been just the two of us since the day we

> married.  Now, after nearly 36 years of being one-half of we, I'm

> suddently me.  I don't know who 'me' is anymore.  My whole identity

> was tied up in

> > Terry.  For nearly nine years, I have done little else than take

> care of him and his needs.  I don't know what to do with myself now.

> >

> > So, please don't apologize for the way you reacted to the things

> you witnessed in the ER.  It is a perfectly normal reaction. 

You're

> scared and you have a right to be.  The man who makes up half of

your

> existence is suffering from the same hideous disease that took the

> life of that precious man next door in the ER.  You watched his

> family grieving and could see yourself and your family having to do

> the same.  It should scare you, Barby.  It's more horrible than I

> could have ever imagined.

> >

> > Now, for the good news.  Yes, perhaps this will help to open

Bobby

> Glen's eyes to how much you love him and need him and how he needs

to

> fight to stay with you and your precious family.  He still has time

> to fight and there are options open to him.  If he chooses to take

> those options, the road won't be easy or smooth, but I know the two

> of you together can do it.  Don't beat yourself up over losing

> control.  I cannot tell you how many times I did the same, perhaps

> not in the same way, but it's not how that matters.  What matters

is

> that all of us reach a point where we must let the tension go.

> >

> > Reassure BG of your love, he will understand.  Forgive yourself,

> the Lord already has.  If you feel the need, as BG to forgive you. 

> You owe no one else nothing, except yourself.  Let go of the guilt,

> it will hold you hostage if you let it.  You've done nothing wrong

> and you have no reason to feel guilty.

> >

> > I love you and I feel your pain.  Oh sweetie, I so feel your

pain. 

> If I could, I would bear it for you, but I cannot.  I can, however,

> be here for you and I am and will be anytime, day or night.  I am

> always available when or if you need a shoulder to cry on, a friend

> to scream at or someone to cheer you on and encourage you in the

> journey.  My heart and my prayers are with you and BG.  Hold tight

to

> every moment; the days are long, but life is short.

> >

> > Love and many warm hugs........ .......

> > Diane

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ __

> > From: pinkmeetsblue <itsabnbthing@ ...>

> > To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

> > Sent: Monday, February 9, 2009 6:20:26 PM

> > Subject: i acted poorly today

> >

> >

> > hi gang its been a long crueling day at the ER . bobby glenn woke

> up

> > spitting up blood so of course i freaked the **** out,we spent 7

> > hours at the er to find out it was just from his throat, hes got

> > something viral thats got his throat swelled up and bleeding ,its

> mot

> > strep mano or broncitis they said, they just gave him some

> > steriods ,augminton and a huge bottle of liguid lorab that hes

not

> > supposed to have but the er dr. said it shouldnt hurt his liver

as

> > bad a tylenol, i put it up incase we ever need it at a later

> date,he

> > cant have it in his system in order to get on the list, but its

> here

> > for emergencies at any rate.his testicales are swollen but they

> said

> > he doesnt have the mumps but go to the family dr. tommorrow if

hes

> > worse HUH???!!!! ok this is were a started acting badly

welllllllll

> > before that too lol.after 2 hrs. of sitting they brought in a 31

yr

> > old man bleeding out his nose and mouth and yup you guessed it

our

> > friend cirrohsis at work ,he bleed out over the next 3 hours ,it

> was

> > horrable ,everyone in his family was there they were everywhere

in

> > the hall the room outside ,they were crying the kids were crying

it

> > was terrable.i kept thinking of cheif ,it was the same thing

> > happening but right in the room next to us.and i snapped i

snapped

> on

> > bobby glenn i snapped at the dr. the nurses ,the poor guy

bringing

> > ice water in the room. i lost it it scared me and i just snapped.

i

> > needed them to work faster do their tests if it was his varcies

fix

> > it,nothing was happin fast enough and this man next to us was

> > dieing,he died in the er how sad ,his aunt told me he had been

> given

> > six months but it came early.so after being so wound up and being

> > told it was bg's throat bleeding i was mad ,isnt that the

stupidist

> > thing you have ever heard i was mad, not relieved mad as hell and

i

> > dont even know why really. he thought i was mad at him ,he cried

> yes

> > i am ashamed to admit it i made him cry.but its this stupid

> horrable

> > disease that i am mad at not him ,its killing my friends and the

> > people i love and i hate it ,it killed that man his kids were

> crying.

> > i am not gonna be good at this i can see now,if i cant handle him

> > bleeding in his throat what the heck is gonna happen when it all

> > comes to a head? so now i get to cry and ask for forgiveness for

> > acting so poorly, i shocked myself today and wont soon forget it.

i

> > wish i had the strenghth i usually think i have but today proved

i

> > need alot of work.i let bobby glenn down today and i feel

terrable

> > just terrable. i feellike a fool who scolded people for doing the

> > best job they could do at the time,i feel so very sad and foolish

> > that a man was dieing right next to us and i was acting so

poorly.

> i

> > am sorry i just needed to vent and get this off my chest ,i know

> some

> > of you have been through a terrable last few weeks and i only had

a

> > bad day ,its no comparison for sure ,but my heart goes out to all

> of

> > you all of us,that man buddy and his family.i hate this damn

> > disease ,i just hate it it scares me and makes me act badly all

my

> > love barby

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >